Page 17 | Could you accept a 'love child?'

Namechangeforthisone83 · 2021-01-30T15:58:28+00:00

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

FourPillars · 30/01/2021 23:43

@allornothing77 your comments are nasty and completely uncalled for.

Chimeraforce · 30/01/2021 23:43

No.

hMG206 · 30/01/2021 23:44

OP you had a break and he has not even given you headspace, just a huge permanent drama.

Fuck it, he proved what he thought of your marriage. You can escape this. You don’t need to accept this

Sisiwawa · 30/01/2021 23:44

I think if you and your DH want to stay together, you should visit a good family lawyer, get good advice on what his responsibilities/ rights are etc, so that she's not calling all the shots. Then consider if you can both handle that together. As a pp said, you can always try to make the best of things, if it doesn't work later on, you know you've tried your hardest. Also, she may back off in time, when she sees you are united and doing right by the child.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/01/2021 23:49

I am intrigued about why a few listers has OP husband is “careless”. I thought being careless was burning your dinner or leaving something on a bus

OhCaptain · 30/01/2021 23:49

@allornothing77 ease up on the triggered me-railing.

Start your own thread about whoever hurt you. Stop projecting on the OP.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 23:50

@allornothing77 that is an absolutely vile comment.

I think you've made your point, I don't think OP needs to hear anymore from you.

Souther · 30/01/2021 23:51

I dont usually give advice on relationship threads.
But just wanted to say.
How would you feel if you did end your relationship and your husband then went to live with her?
Would you care or would it break you?
That's what will happen.
I'm sorry there is no way I would trust him after this and personally I think they are suited to each other.
I feel for his childs mother.
I've read your threads and understand that you feel she is making the whole situation worse. But truly she has no other choice to do the best for her child.
In situations like this it is always the man to blame. And whatever you decide he will end up with someone. You if you decide to stay with him or her if you dont.
Personally I'd break up and see what he does. Within a few weeks he'll have shacked up with her. That's the type of person you are dealing with and this whole sorry scenario has shown it to you. You are better off without him.

Vivenne · 30/01/2021 23:51

I would find this really hard op. I know someone who went through this but they weren't on a break, he just cheated, it worked out ok for her at the time as the OW lived about 15 miles away so not on their doorstep. How close away is the OW?

midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 23:52

@allornothing77 neither women are fools, they are only reacting to what they know so far.

PeanutButtaCups · 30/01/2021 23:52

I don’t think I could do it, have you spoke to DH about how you’re feeling/having doubts

FuckOffBorisYouTwat · 30/01/2021 23:53

There is no way I could stay. It wouldn't be fair on my children, on the baby or on me. The best thing for the children would be to have parents who co-parent in different houses. That is the less selfish option.

EKGEMS · 30/01/2021 23:55

@allornothing77 I think you need to read Carnegie's book "How to win friends and influence people"

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 23:56

You sound totally unhinged @allornothing77

You don't know any of the people involved here in real life, there's no need to get either so nasty or so invested.

Chill. Life's much nicer if you aren't shitty to strangers.

midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 23:57

@WhatKatyDidNxt totally agree. What a shame he carelessly slipped it out and went back for more. Moreover the lawyers will take their cut to respectfully put in boundaries with all contact with the unwanted child and inconvenient mother avoided at all costs.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 23:59

[quote midsummabreak]@WhatKatyDidNxt totally agree. What a shame he carelessly slipped it out and went back for more. Moreover the lawyers will take their cut to respectfully put in boundaries with all contact with the unwanted child and inconvenient mother avoided at all costs.[/quote]
Ouch.

zigzog44 · 31/01/2021 00:00

Moving forwards OP, you want to remain with your husband. It’s not the life you expected and with the expectant mother being weeks away from giving birth, you need to sit down with your husband and discuss where you go from here. I know you said you wouldn’t be the doting stepmother but as you’ve chosen to continue with your marriage, then you will have to put all feelings aside and accept your husbands baby, as part of your extended family. I hope everything goes as well as it can in such difficult circumstances!

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 31/01/2021 00:01

To answer the question as best I can, admittedly I have asked not to be involved with the pregnancy, but from the messages I have seen he will be involved and they 'will discuss nearer the time' in her words. She is due in 6ish weeks and he has every intention of being involved and has said that he respects whatever decision I make in my involvement, ultimately of course I understand that at some point I will have involvement but that is not an issue for me at least not straight away and would only be the case if we were to work things out down the line.

I honestly think the best decision for all involved is to take a step back. Any contact between the children will be facilitated by him whether we are together or not.

I have spoken to him and he completely understands why I feel the way I do and respects my decision whatever I decide to do.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 31/01/2021 00:03

When someone starts calling round someone's extended family trying to cause drama, accuses his wife of stealing him from her, and is already showing that they have no issues using an unborn baby as a weapon then it's hardly surprising people think negatively of her.

The pregnant women is not far off from giving birth. So this isn’t a new situation. The DH has probably spun her a load of lies for the past few months (maybe to keep her quiet) and when she realised he’s back with the OP she thinks the OP is the issue rather than the DH (similar to how op feels).

The family have every right to now they are getting a grandchild and whether she did it out of anger because she found out the DH is back with op or out of just assuming they already knew - it doesn’t actually matter because they would have found out when it’s born anyway.

I’m sure op would have rather she made up her decision before everyone else knew but the baby will be born soon and I think it’s better for everyone to know before it’s born.

toocold54 · 31/01/2021 00:07

I honestly think the best decision for all involved is to take a step back. Any contact between the children will be facilitated by him whether we are together or not.

I think this is the best solution at the moment.
You will have no idea how you will feel in a few months time, so just give yourself that time to think about what you really want.

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 31/01/2021 00:08

@toocold54

When someone starts calling round someone's extended family trying to cause drama, accuses his wife of stealing him from her, and is already showing that they have no issues using an unborn baby as a weapon then it's hardly surprising people think negatively of her.

The pregnant women is not far off from giving birth. So this isn’t a new situation. The DH has probably spun her a load of lies for the past few months (maybe to keep her quiet) and when she realised he’s back with the OP she thinks the OP is the issue rather than the DH (similar to how op feels).

The family have every right to now they are getting a grandchild and whether she did it out of anger because she found out the DH is back with op or out of just assuming they already knew - it doesn’t actually matter because they would have found out when it’s born anyway.

I’m sure op would have rather she made up her decision before everyone else knew but the baby will be born soon and I think it’s better for everyone to know before it’s born.

She done that in the beginning! Before he even had the chance to tell them. The shock had barely worn off before he was getting calls from his mother asking why some random woman was messaging her on Facebook. Of course he would have told his family but he didn't even get that chance. I really believed that she done it because she found out we were back together. But as you said it really doesn't matter now anyway.

OP posts:

FascinatingWeather · 31/01/2021 00:13

I feel for you OP, what a horrible situation. While stepping back might seem the most sensible thing to do right now, I wonder if that really is the case. If you and your husband are staying together, you have to be united. By stepping back you might create a space between yourselves which will allow doubt and insecurity to creep in. The OW and baby will be meeting and getting to know your in-laws and husband and you might find it all the more devastating to not be involved in that. It would be very hard to not be jealous looking in from the outside. Communication issues were the cause of your breakup in the first place. The OW seems pretty intent on cutting you out. Your H needs to make it very clear that is not on the table.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2021 00:18

I think, maybe I’m wrong that deep down you want to stay with him, is that correct? Or are you thinking this way because of your dcs?

If this is what you want, you’re going to make it work. You sound pretty compassionate and level headed. I know today you say you’ll not be able to care about the baby. But you simply don’t know what will happen in the future. My concern would be is if this woman is genuinely as unstable as she’s being painted, you are probably going to end up getting involved. So I would also be taking this into consideration. I am, of course, aware that that the unpredictability may be due to pregnancy hormones or even your dh exaggerating.

toocold54 · 31/01/2021 00:25

Of course he would have told his family but he didn't even get that chance. I really believed that she done it because she found out we were back together.

It definitely does sound that way then if it was in the beginning!

My biggest worry would actually be is this women going to playing games, spreading lies to try and split you up etc for the next 16+ years.

I could definitely get over him sleeping with someone while you were on a break, I could probably get over him having a child and having it in my life but I couldn’t deal with the drama of the other women constantly.
She may calm down once she realises the DH isn’t going to be with her though hopefully as she could be just acting out as she genuinely thought they were going to be together.

RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 00:27

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think, maybe I’m wrong that deep down you want to stay with him, is that correct? Or are you thinking this way because of your dcs?

If this is what you want, you’re going to make it work. You sound pretty compassionate and level headed. I know today you say you’ll not be able to care about the baby. But you simply don’t know what will happen in the future. My concern would be is if this woman is genuinely as unstable as she’s being painted, you are probably going to end up getting involved. So I would also be taking this into consideration. I am, of course, aware that that the unpredictability may be due to pregnancy hormones or even your dh exaggerating.

I think she does.

and I think you're right - if OP wants to stay and make this work then making her out to be worse than she is is not helpful one bit.