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Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 30/01/2021 22:51

I couldn't do it,but I couldn't get over the cheating either x

allornothing77 · 30/01/2021 22:56

Namechangeforthisone83 I don't know why you asked a question here when you already know what you are going to do! You find excuses for everything, so stay with him and that's it, it's your problem at the end of the day. Just in case you forgot already what you said, It's easy to say she is the victim but it was ultimately her decision to keep the child knowing that he didn't want her or the child. So you do blame her... You are as bad as him. This is your version of the story but I'm pretty sure there's more to it and you know it! He has no respect for you and you have no respect for yourself or your kids so perhaps you deserve each other...be prepared though as he will sleep with other women again (and I doubt that this was the first time...).

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2021 22:56

@Namechangeforthisone83

OP do you have confirmation in messages between them that they used a condom?

Zoomez · 30/01/2021 22:58

I would just not get over him doing this to a 6 and 9 year old. Who wants to bring that level of complication into their lives?

So that is what I could not get over and I think you have been taken for a ride - sorry! So sorry!

Zoomez · 30/01/2021 22:59

Yes and condoms generally do work - so I would not fall for that one either. So sorry OP!

louise4754 · 30/01/2021 23:00

To be honest the messages might not be from
her. He could easily save another number in his phone as her name and send the messages to himself from another phone. Making out she's crazy and that it happened twice. Basically making up the conversation.

How do you know she is 31.

Onestep2021 · 30/01/2021 23:01

I really feel for you.
To have forgiven him, decided to stay together and love him so much and have this then emerge is such a kick in the teeth.

The thing is, you just don’t know what will happen. And that’s kind of the point.. you will never fully know and be in control. If this woman decides to always be a nightmare then your lives, your children’s lives could be severely impacted. She could turn the child against ylj all and make it very hard for any relationship to build.
I suppose you need to know what your husband intends to do in terms of maintenance but more importantly, his involvement.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 23:03

@allornothing77

Namechangeforthisone83 I don't know why you asked a question here when you already know what you are going to do! You find excuses for everything, so stay with him and that's it, it's your problem at the end of the day. Just in case you forgot already what you said, It's easy to say she is the victim but it was ultimately her decision to keep the child knowing that he didn't want her or the child. So you do blame her... You are as bad as him. This is your version of the story but I'm pretty sure there's more to it and you know it! He has no respect for you and you have no respect for yourself or your kids so perhaps you deserve each other...be prepared though as he will sleep with other women again (and I doubt that this was the first time...).
Totally unnecessary.
midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 23:06

It is very interesting that many on this thread see the mother of your Dh new baby as the villain.

This works well for your DH as she is painted as the crazy person who should not inconvenience others by choosing to have his baby that he doesn’t want and by choosing to message family to put the truth out there to the child’s family. Not a great move, and certainly not helpful to her vulnerable situation, but I can see where she is coming from, having no doubt been love bombed then discarded like a piece of shit on a shoe.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 23:07

@allornothing77

Namechangeforthisone83 I don't know why you asked a question here when you already know what you are going to do! You find excuses for everything, so stay with him and that's it, it's your problem at the end of the day. Just in case you forgot already what you said, It's easy to say she is the victim but it was ultimately her decision to keep the child knowing that he didn't want her or the child. So you do blame her... You are as bad as him. This is your version of the story but I'm pretty sure there's more to it and you know it! He has no respect for you and you have no respect for yourself or your kids so perhaps you deserve each other...be prepared though as he will sleep with other women again (and I doubt that this was the first time...).
I didn't ask for your opinion on whether or not YOU think it makes sense or adds up which is exactly what you done. Maybe read the op and see what I've actually asked. No where did I say I blamed her for keeping the child it is entirely her choice as I've said ALL ALONG! So your reply is completely unwarranted and unnecessary.
OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/01/2021 23:10

I would presume that when the shit hit the fan with her, he's scuttled home to the safety of you, his wife and the kids you share. I couldn't forgive his selfish thoughtlessness and certainly wouldn't be helping him try to sort out the mess he's gotten himself into.

LolaSmiles · 30/01/2021 23:10

It is very interesting that many on this thread see the mother of your Dh new baby as the villain
When someone starts calling round someone's extended family trying to cause drama, accuses his wife of stealing him from her, and is already showing that they have no issues using an unborn baby as a weapon then it's hardly surprising people think negatively of her.

Had this woman found out she was pregnant, told the OP's husband and said that although they aren't together she wants to have a parenting relationship and for the baby to build a relationship with their half siblings then I think people would have been much more sympathetic to her.

Hawkins001 · 30/01/2021 23:12

Id have a dna test ordered , just in case it's not your dh.

zigzog44 · 30/01/2021 23:17

@StartupRepair - The OP hasn’t indicated that the OW was aware that he had a family. We also don’t know what he has said to her, we’re only hearing this from the OP’s side and there’s always two sides to a story.

To be honest, I feel sorry for the OW, she started dating the OP’s husband and had sex with him twice, she fell pregnant, decided to keep the baby and was subsequently kicked out by her parents. She’s now been left to raise a baby alone.

The OP states OW is acting the victim and can’t see that this woman is actually the victim here.
The OP also stated she couldn’t be the doting step-mother to her husbands child and has continued to put this woman down repeatedly. If they stay together, then the poor child is doomed from the start because clearly this child will be an inconvenience to her and her children’s lives.

allornothing77 · 30/01/2021 23:20

Namechangeforthisone83 I can say whatever I want! He is lying to you and you know it... You are not interested in anyone's opinion unless it's someone who is against this other woman... as I said before you deserve each other... keep lying to yourself if that makes you feel better.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 23:20

@LolaSmiles

It is very interesting that many on this thread see the mother of your Dh new baby as the villain When someone starts calling round someone's extended family trying to cause drama, accuses his wife of stealing him from her, and is already showing that they have no issues using an unborn baby as a weapon then it's hardly surprising people think negatively of her.

Had this woman found out she was pregnant, told the OP's husband and said that although they aren't together she wants to have a parenting relationship and for the baby to build a relationship with their half siblings then I think people would have been much more sympathetic to her.

Mmm.

But we don't actually know what has or hasn't been said by this woman, or what she was or wasn't told by OP's husband in the first place.

That aside, in the last few pages shes been accused of lying about the dad, getting pregnant deliberately to trap DH, and sending messages to herself (oh and the ones about how she will absolutely horrendous and still want him back in 18 years time).

All of which are just continuing to fuel an already very difficult situation for all (particularly for the woman who hasn't actually done anything wrong).

AllMyPrettyOnes · 30/01/2021 23:22

@louise4754

To be honest the messages might not be from her. He could easily save another number in his phone as her name and send the messages to himself from another phone. Making out she's crazy and that it happened twice. Basically making up the conversation.

How do you know she is 31.

Do people really have time for this
whoamongstus · 30/01/2021 23:23

I don't think it was cheating, but I do think it was stupid and shortsighted of him not to use a condom.

The baby's mum sounds like she is going to be difficult and unfortunately I don't know if I would want that stress in my life, nor would I be particularly impressed if someone I thought was generally a good man was willing to accept not having a full role in his kid's life because she said so, but I don't really know how you work round that if the baby's mum won't let him be around your child and presumably its siblings.

Original poster
Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 23:29

@allornothing77

Namechangeforthisone83 I can say whatever I want! He is lying to you and you know it... You are not interested in anyone's opinion unless it's someone who is against this other woman... as I said before you deserve each other... keep lying to yourself if that makes you feel better.
Again your opinion on whether or not YOU believe him is irrelevant.
OP posts:
MartiniDry · 30/01/2021 23:30

"I think for your marriage to work he may need to walk away from his love child (apart from paying maintenance)."

RandomMess, I don't have the words to express what an awful suggestion this is. Who would want to be married to a bastard who walked away from one of his children anyway? Men like that are the scum of the earth and no partner with any sense of human decency could tolerate it.

midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 23:33

@LolaSmiles you are right that the mother of DH new baby is creating drama and making assertions with anger, which is not helping her situation here. This is often what happens when women feel strongly that they want and love their baby and are upset the father does not want the baby, especially if they were led on and lied to. Not a great move on her part, as stated. She is pregnant, and reacting emotionally in a vulnerable situation.

FourPillars · 30/01/2021 23:35

I think his attitude to the situation could be gleaned through how he has acted during the pregnancy. This baby is about to be born! Is he taking responsibility for the child he fathered?
The OP has chosen not to answer this.

thebestnamehere · 30/01/2021 23:37

It would have killed it for me. Was the OW around before the split? Seems likely. You should let him go and be with her and the new baby, it's his mess. Your children will get over it

allornothing77 · 30/01/2021 23:40

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Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 23:42

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