Page 15 | Could you accept a 'love child?'

Namechangeforthisone83 · 2021-01-30T15:58:28+00:00

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 30/01/2021 21:57

Yes would definitely get a DNA test but decide the what ifs before hand. Xx

YellowBeryl · 30/01/2021 21:58

This is truly awful for you OP and a tragedy on many levels. You were 'on a break' , not separated, there is a difference. Your relationship hit a rough patch that you were working through. You do not work through problems by going to a bar, picking up someone and sleeping with them. He cheated. How did he think that was going to help your relationship?
Unfortunately, for everyone, it sounds as if he cheated with someone with issues. I fear that it is not just the child that will loom large in your life from now on, the OW will too.
If you decide to stay with him, you have to accept the child as they doesn't deserve to suffer as a consequence of his parents actions.
I couldn't stick around, but only you can judge the level of you DH's repentance.

I think you need to be brutally honest with your DH, tell him: you love him but you don't know yet whether you will be able to accept the child as a constant reminder of his infidelity and if the OW continues to impact your life it may be more than you can bear. She may settle down once her child is born or she may become more demanding of your husband, particularly if she has a hard time with her parents.
So many innocent lives changed for a few hours if fun. Your DH has a lot to answer for.
You did not deserve any of this, be kind to yourself and if you need space take it. If he loves you he will let you.

TennisBunny · 30/01/2021 21:59

Di you think it will be easy given DH is the father of her children who will undoubtedly be involved in this, whatever PP say

Did I say it would be easy?
But it'll be a damn site easier than having to host contact time and live with it every day - if they split it would be no different from any other step child relationship; undoubtedly hard, but not actively in your face each and every day.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2021 22:01

Op tell dh to keep it formal. DNA test, legally agreed visitation in place and agreed maintenance. In the early days perhaps contact could be facilitated at DH parents house. Neutralish ground. Make sure he is chaperoned as such so child's mum cant play any mind games. Keep strict boundaries that discussions are only about the child and he doesn't go into her home and she doesn't come in yours. You can both manage this amicably if keep decent boundaries in place.

iolaus · 30/01/2021 22:04

Personally no I couldn't and it would be the end of our relationship

I don't see it as him cheating - a break is a break up to me (I also don't think I'uve seen who initiated the break - if it was you - as you mention Ross and Rachel - then I would feel confident he hadn't been seeing her already

You say you don't want to be the one who breaks up the family for your kids - aren't they confused already with Daddy going for 3 months and then coming back?

I know some people have said they would stay if he didn't have anything to do with the baby - I couldn't be with a man who abandoned his child (regardless of child support or the relationship with the mother), if that was the case then he clearly wasn't the man I thought that he was, but I know everytime he went to see the baby it would hurt me if that child had been conceived after we got together (even if it was during a short break) - hence the ending the relationship because I can't see a way any of us could win with us staying together

Him having a child/children before we got together would be different

user47000000000 · 30/01/2021 22:05

hakuna has good advice x

Hopingformydb · 30/01/2021 22:15

I feel for you OP.. I mean why should you leave when you don't want to but in the other hand what he's done is unforgivable. I couldn't even forgive the sleeping with someone else let alone a kid. I think if you don't get out now it'll get worse and you'll end up resenting your DH. She isn't going to stop. And you say you have no hate towards the child but you dont know that when its here how will you feel when your DH goes to see baby she's made it clear you can't see it. Are you going to be worrying when they're together?? Hes shagged her once who says he won't do it again. Leave now save your kids further heartbreak and keep your dignity and head held high. Good luck

midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 22:18

I would never unite with my Dh against another woman that he clearly has chosen to have a sexual relationship with. How do you turn her into the enemy here?
He made his choice to break away from an 8 year long marriage, and straight away begin a new relationship, however short that relationship ended up being.

It is possible that he thought he could keep it all hush and was only honest ( in part) and showed the messages when he realised his girlfriend was keeping her baby. This raises other possible questions with perhaps other choices he made, that he has not been forthcoming with, such as choosing not to wear a condom.

LizFlowers · 30/01/2021 22:25

@Hankunamatata

Op tell dh to keep it formal. DNA test, legally agreed visitation in place and agreed maintenance. In the early days perhaps contact could be facilitated at DH parents house. Neutralish ground. Make sure he is chaperoned as such so child's mum cant play any mind games. Keep strict boundaries that discussions are only about the child and he doesn't go into her home and she doesn't come in yours. You can both manage this amicably if keep decent boundaries in place.

I think that is very sensible, Hankuna.

Op, I know it is difficult for you right now but you say you and your husband love each other so you would be unhappy if you parted. Try to think in terms of five years down the line, or even ten; the other child would just be a fact in your lives and the chances are the child's mother would be with somebody else, probably married with another child!

Is it worth breaking up a basically good marriage and disrupting your children because your husband was stupid and careless - during a time you were apart?

Hankuna has offered excellent advice for the early period. Do give it some thought. Your husband knows jolly well he's messed up but we all do in some way or another, generally without such consequences.

strawberriesontheNeva · 30/01/2021 22:25

Op are you sure the lady is actually pregnant ? I mean if she's loopy enough to harass your dp and his family......

Bridgespot · 30/01/2021 22:26

oh my sweet. This is really, really hard, That said, I'm trying to project everyone 20 years into the future. Let's say you've gotten over the rough spot with your partner (LOTS of discussion) and let's say the child is born and is now 19/20. You know what would be amazing? For him/her to have lots of loving, caring adults in his/her life, who've smoothed over the admittedly confusing circumstances of his/her birth.

S/he is just an embryo/a fetus/waiting to be born. No role in any of this. I'm pretty sure I'll be jumped on BUT, if the child is born, wouldn't the best thing be for everyone to suspend their own feelings and welcome the hell out of it? You can deal with your partner as you feel fit, you can cope with your relationship as you feel fit, I get all that, and you've said all the relevant arguments, both pro and con. But personally, if I were in a situation that was pretty ambiguous, I would want to spread love and acceptance as far as I could, because the opposite only leads to this kind of message board. It may well be that this entails some kind of financial contribution from your partner. That's life: and again, if that's enough to make you re-think your relationship, then ok.

midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 22:32

To answer your question, I would accept and welcome the new baby as a step sibling into my family, with clear boundaries in place, as suggested by @Hakunamata but I would end the relationship with my Dh

allornothing77 · 30/01/2021 22:33

Your story doesn't really make sense... so she is a random girl he met on a night out... and she is due in a few weeks. If you do the maths, they "met" during lockdown and therefore everything was closed, so no they didn't meet on a night out. If she is a stranger how does she know all his family? You seem to blame her more than your husband but your husband is the only person to blame here. She is choosing to keep her a baby and that's her choice, abortion is not an option to everyone. If you have another break in the future would you be ok with your husband sleeping with someone else and getting someone else pregnant?

FourPillars · 30/01/2021 22:34

If she is ‘weeks away’ from giving birth, has your DH been involved with the pregnancy at all? Attended appointments, viewed scans, supported her?

zigzog44 · 30/01/2021 22:36

@StartupRepair - The OP does not need a say in whether the OW keeps the child, it’s not her uterus or body. We don’t have a say in other women’s reproductive choices and neither should we!

PeggyHill · 30/01/2021 22:36

OP can't do this.

What?! Why can't the OP choose not to be in a relationship with this man? Did I miss something? If my husband went out and impregnated someone else tomorrow, are you honestly telling me that I wouldn't have the right to divorce him and live separately from him? That's absurd.

PeggyHill · 30/01/2021 22:38

OP has no right to deprive her own kids of a sibling though. That’s terrible.

Choosing not to be in a relationship with her husband is not depriving her kids of a sibling. Their father can foster whatever kind of relationship he wants to between his children. That's up to him to sort, not the OP.

Coffeeandcocopops · 30/01/2021 22:40

The kids might not want a relationship with a child their mother doesn’t know.

midsummabreak · 30/01/2021 22:41

Lots of questions raised here by the way the woman has reacted so strongly. Why does she say that you have broken their relationship up? What did Dh tell her that set her up to believe she had a future with him?

It’s unlikely that he said “I have no interest in a future with you but let’s hook up. “. It is more likely that he led her on.

StartupRepair · 30/01/2021 22:41

@zigzog44 I didn't word that well. Of course it is solely ow's decision to proceed with the pregnancy. But she has done that in the knowledge that the baby's father has a wife and DC and was never going to set up house with her.

zigzog44 · 30/01/2021 22:42

@allornothing77 - I thought the same thing, as OP says they met in a night club and went on a few dates, unless she’s in a different country.

Ukt67688332 · 30/01/2021 22:42

@allornothing77

Your story doesn't really make sense... so she is a random girl he met on a night out... and she is due in a few weeks. If you do the maths, they "met" during lockdown and therefore everything was closed, so no they didn't meet on a night out. If she is a stranger how does she know all his family? You seem to blame her more than your husband but your husband is the only person to blame here. She is choosing to keep her a baby and that's her choice, abortion is not an option to everyone. If you have another break in the future would you be ok with your husband sleeping with someone else and getting someone else pregnant?

Agree with this

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 22:42

@allornothing77

Your story doesn't really make sense... so she is a random girl he met on a night out... and she is due in a few weeks. If you do the maths, they "met" during lockdown and therefore everything was closed, so no they didn't meet on a night out. If she is a stranger how does she know all his family? You seem to blame her more than your husband but your husband is the only person to blame here. She is choosing to keep her a baby and that's her choice, abortion is not an option to everyone. If you have another break in the future would you be ok with your husband sleeping with someone else and getting someone else pregnant?

We are not in lockdown and not in the UK. So yes they did meet on a night out and again as pointed out in my earlier posts she was on his Facebook and messaged his tagged family. She does not know his family at all before that happened. And again as I have said that it is entirely her choice to keep a child he didn't want. I have also said many times that my husband had not got off lightly in any instance just because I am considering staying that doesn't mean that I blame him any less.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 22:44

@Hankunamatata

Op tell dh to keep it formal. DNA test, legally agreed visitation in place and agreed maintenance. In the early days perhaps contact could be facilitated at DH parents house. Neutralish ground. Make sure he is chaperoned as such so child's mum cant play any mind games. Keep strict boundaries that discussions are only about the child and he doesn't go into her home and she doesn't come in yours. You can both manage this amicably if keep decent boundaries in place.

Thank you

OP posts:

kirinm · 30/01/2021 22:47

Oh OP what a mess

I don't think I could do it. I couldn't stand my family being a part of another family I wasn't a part of. It isn't the child's fault, it's not even her fault, but it would be a constant reminder of my DP cheating on me. I know technically it might not be cheating but it would still feel like that.

It would be too painful for me.