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Original poster

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:19

@oakleaffy

What would concern me is the affair seems a bit unstable and jealous- from OPs previous posts. A child with a decent mature mother is very different to a desperado still living at parent’s house and saying OP can’t have anything to do with her husband’s child. Huge red flag right there.
This might settle though.
BlueThistles · 30/01/2021 21:20

No x

Strongerthanilook · 30/01/2021 21:21

This reply has been deleted

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Lizadork · 30/01/2021 21:21

It only takes one time but i would still be encouraging a DNA for when child born.

The no staying over night sounds logical to me as newborn shouldn't be separated from mum especially if breastfeeding. If she won't allow access and he does want access, then go down the legal route.

I can understand her being a bit crazy right now and maybe you both not seeing the best side of her. That might change once baby here and they have all of her focus.

Might need to give it time and to only respond to her in regards to baby - not get dragged into drama.

May not be easy but all workable, even your relationship with your husband. Whether with him or not, still going to have to put up with this situation as baby a sibling to your children.

oakleaffy · 30/01/2021 21:22

@RootyT00t
The baby wouldn’t bother me nearly as much as the mother.

Lots of very vindictive people about that could make OPs life miserable.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:24

[quote oakleaffy]@RootyT00t
The baby wouldn’t bother me nearly as much as the mother.

Lots of very vindictive people about that could make OPs life miserable.[/quote]
True.

But , she has to make a choice.

It would be silly to throw away a marriage now based on what the mother may or may not do.

Didkdt · 30/01/2021 21:26

I think you need to decide why you want to keep the family in one household.
Yes a divorce will be hard on your children, but in all honesty a younger sibling with regular contact will also be confusing and as they get older also something they may have strong feelings about towards their dad.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 30/01/2021 21:26

Oh I don't know - would it be better that her DH left her, and started another life complete with new partner and baby?

He seems to have decided he wants to take responsibility for all of his family, and being honest about it all.

maybe not all families have Jerry Hall who seems to have welcomed all of Mick Jaggers children into the fold, and who knows how much resentment ensued, but now that the baby is almost here, it's a fact of life.

Not sure how I would feel, but would hope given the circumstances would welcome the baby as part of the family...

Miffyliffy · 30/01/2021 21:28

I couldn't do it.

I think it would eat away at me.

Maybe not initially but over time hearing about the situation and the child over and over id probably get rather resentful.

VinylDetective · 30/01/2021 21:30

Anyone remember Bob Geldof taking in and bringing up Paula Yates’ youngest? It was one of the most generous and heartwarming things I ever heard.

TennisBunny · 30/01/2021 21:30

@Namechangeforthisone83

You are going to be devastated whatever your decision.
At least if you leave, you'll have control over your life and not have the 18+ years of drama, heartache and utter shit that the OW is going to unleash.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:31

[quote TennisBunny]@Namechangeforthisone83

You are going to be devastated whatever your decision.
At least if you leave, you'll have control over your life and not have the 18+ years of drama, heartache and utter shit that the OW is going to unleash.[/quote]
Di you think it will be easy given DH is the father of her children who will undoubtedly be involved in this, whatever PP say .

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:32

@Didkdt

I think you need to decide why you want to keep the family in one household. Yes a divorce will be hard on your children, but in all honesty a younger sibling with regular contact will also be confusing and as they get older also something they may have strong feelings about towards their dad.
It will be more confusing when dad leaves and later down the line they are introduced to dad's other children.
sunnydays78 · 30/01/2021 21:36

Can you imagine when the child is here. It’ll be oh he/she is unwell and wants to see you. If you want to spend time with him/her it’ll need to be at my house when I’m here. It’ll drive you both apart. I absolutely couldn’t stand it.

Nogardenersworld · 30/01/2021 21:37

this isn’t about accepting the child in this case, this is about your DH who had been apart from you for less than 3 months
And had (probably unprotected) sex with someone else.
You say you’ve both worked so hard, but How hard was he working at repairing your relationship whilst he was exploring someone else’s vagina?

Not only that but this woman sounds like either v unstable or like she has been led down the garden path by your DH
Selfish choice from him either way.

And this woman who slept with what she believed was a single man, who has now ditched her and left her alone and pregnant

Not only that but he has created a sibling for your children, and it now effects them too.

So my issue would not be if I could accept this child, but could I accept this clearly very selfish man. And no, I couldn’t.

your children will be far more effected seeing their mum be treated awfully than they will by a divorce.

Littleposh · 30/01/2021 21:42

I understand that you're hurt and you definitely should be but so much of how you say things suggest that you remaining in a relationship with him is going to cause a toxic environment for your children together and this new child

StartupRepair · 30/01/2021 21:42

The ow has decided to keep this baby knowing she is not in a relationship with the father. She is the only person who has had agency here and has decided to bring a baby into a less than ideal situation. It seems very hard that your life is thrown into chaos by something you had no say in.

Colouringaddict · 30/01/2021 21:45

Initially his contact with the baby will take place at her home, especially if she breastfeeds. Do you think you could deal with messages from her every time that he has been there’s saying, “he told me he loves me”. Or “we slept together this evening”. She sounds very immature and willing to use her child as a weapon, after all the baby isn’t even here yet and she is laying down the law.

I think I would be telling him that a DNA test is a must, and then you will give it some very serious thought. Do you really think he is depressed or using it as an excuse to swerve some really difficult decisions?

You have to do what is best for you and your DC, even if that changes months down the line.

Are you staying because you love him or because you think if you split he would be running to her?

I would say to go back to counselling on your own and as a couple to unpick this very complicated situation.

I wish you all the very best

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:47

@StartupRepair

The ow has decided to keep this baby knowing she is not in a relationship with the father. She is the only person who has had agency here and has decided to bring a baby into a less than ideal situation. It seems very hard that your life is thrown into chaos by something you had no say in.
Eh?

It is entirely her choice what she does with her baby.

strawberriesontheNeva · 30/01/2021 21:50

No I wouldn't. I would get divorced.

Onthedunes · 30/01/2021 21:52

I personally couldn't do it but that is because of the 3 month split, I don't think I would believe the fact that the split wasn't engineered by him to pretend he was single with this other woman.

Anyway..... I think both women would do well to kick him to touch, I would be more welcoming of the child than him, you sound a very measured person op, as though you would make a very caring step parent. You are obviously much more mature (in thinking) than this ow who was used and discarded by your h.

This poor child is an innocent and it's future looks unstable to say the least, you sound like the only grown up in this situation.

TenderTremblingTimes · 30/01/2021 21:52

Unfortunately the baby and it’s mother will haunt you forever.

If you stay together, it will be a sibling of your children, this woman will be part of your life forever, and you will have to pay out for it forever.

All these things will happen now anyway.

But can you live with it.

The monetary impact is quite considerable.

And when he goes off with it, and his parent accept the child, I couldn’t live with that.

Apart from his cheating as well.

Think about asking him to leave for good.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 30/01/2021 21:53

Ok I haven't read the whole thread but is this woman actually pregnant? And if she is, I would be asking for a DNA test.

strawberriesontheNeva · 30/01/2021 21:53

Will he be a part of the child's life or just help financially?

user47000000000 · 30/01/2021 21:55

Oh op what a predicament.
If you and your DP are able to be united against the baby’s mum then it could work. But he will have to be totally on your side, you’ll both have to treat the baby as an addition to your family and he will have to work with you if there are any issues with the baby’s mum.
So tough for you Flowers

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