Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Could you accept a 'love child?'

737 replies

Namechangeforthisone83 · 30/01/2021 15:58

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

OP posts:
Girlonit · 30/01/2021 20:56

Honestly Op I don't know if I could or not and I really feel for you.

You said she's due in a few weeks, what has your DH said about contact? What's he hoping for?
I think for now I'd be firstly insisting on a dna test, is he open to this?
Contact when baby is very small will be difficult, it will be little and often and no he won't be having overnights etc straight away.

Regardless of your decision your life will change, your children will have a sibling and even if you split up the child and by default the mother are some what part of your life.
My advice and I realise it's easier said than done, would be to take a step back. Let him establish contact and a relationship with the baby (just him at first) give it a few months, continue working on your relationship but take talking about the baby, seeing pictures etc at a pace you feel comfortable with, same with telling your dc.
I think it's it's to work and there's no guarantee it will, but I think you'd maybe rather know you've tried. But it needs to be slow and steady, your DH needs to understand that and he also needs to think if that's something he's ok with.

Some other points worth discussing looking into.
Maintenance, definitely through CMS.
Solicitor regarding rights, contact. It can be done without too, so don't let finances stop him. I'd be insisting on a court order for contact.
His family, it's natural they'll want involvement, but this may be something he wants to delay until things are more formal.

Best of luck Op

zigzog44 · 30/01/2021 20:57

@RootyT00t - If both parties hadn’t agreed that they would be separating for those 3 months, then I do class it as cheating, a break is a break from the relationship to evaluate what is going wrong, it’s not permission to go on dates and have a one night stand and to be frank, it shows what little respect her husband has for her.
If they agreed to separate but then decided they wanted to make a fresh start again, then I wouldn’t class it as cheating.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 20:59

[quote zigzog44]@RootyT00t - If both parties hadn’t agreed that they would be separating for those 3 months, then I do class it as cheating, a break is a break from the relationship to evaluate what is going wrong, it’s not permission to go on dates and have a one night stand and to be frank, it shows what little respect her husband has for her.
If they agreed to separate but then decided they wanted to make a fresh start again, then I wouldn’t class it as cheating.[/quote]
Oh I don't think it was a great thing to do but the posts aren't in response to what actually happened.

OP went on a break with her husband, he fathered a child, she knew about all of this and took him back and is now worrying (obviously) about how this pans out with the child.

PP's are telling her he must have been cheating all along, casting holes in the story, making things up, and generally making the whole situation a thousand times worse than it already is.

oakleaffy · 30/01/2021 20:59

Not a “
Love child but a “
Lust Child”
They couldn’t be in love as basically strangers .

seepingweeping · 30/01/2021 21:01

Yes I could and would.

seepingweeping · 30/01/2021 21:01

It's not the child's fault.

BloggersBlog · 30/01/2021 21:02

I couldn't accept a love child if I felt it would negatively impact my dc or my life.

When you have a break from work, it's with the expectation that you are going back. By definition a break isn't the end of something. So he committed adultery.

How is HE planning on resolving things?

averythinline · 30/01/2021 21:02

Poor child .......I hope her family supports her as your dh is a nasty piece of work...this is his child...he made it as much as he made your children together..hope it never knows how unwanted it was..

You seem to have a real issue with her but it was him that was married...

On your options....you could tell him to fuck off as a cheat but on the minimising you're doing seems unlikely path for you at the moment..

So maybe go the other way and embrace the child as sibling to your children..... and ignore the crappy adults on the creation ...

Hard ..personally I couldn't handle the cheating...you didn't decide yo go shagging around on your short break...completely unnecessary so would ltb he can deal with the consequences of his actions

Teardrop2021 · 30/01/2021 21:03

Best thing to do op is get that paternity test first it would be very unlucky for it to be you're dhs after 2 times and he used a condom, I would have suggested getting a t3st with it being a fling. Women in their 30s can get pregnant on purpose I know someone who was actively having unprotected sex in the hopes of getting pregnant as she was 33. She got pregnant had a misscarrage then got pregnant again not long after and is very happy being a single parent with no involvement from the father.

Whathehello · 30/01/2021 21:03

I have OP.

Shes 2.5 now and I've grown fond of her.

She comes here every Thursday and I have no negative feelings towards her at all.

I had a thread about it on the relationships board when she was due to come to my home for the first time and received alot of support, unfortunately some posters were hell bent on calling me a troll because no woman would ever welcome the child into their home etc. The thread was deleted.

People will tell you how it'll ruin your life but that won't necessarily be the case.

Of course you would need to trust and believe that things were completely over between your DH and the woman, do you think it is?

GreySkyClouds · 30/01/2021 21:05

Your anger should be directed at him, not her!

Teardrop2021 · 30/01/2021 21:05

Whathehello
Glad it worked out I remember your thread. It takes a very special person to be so accepting Flowers

Darbs76 · 30/01/2021 21:06

If I’d been to counselling and decided I wanted to make it worse with my husband then yes I think I’d accept it. Of course overnights won’t happen when baby is young but when baby is older then of course you will be part of babies life. I’d get court ordered contact where the judge can make it clear that of course the child will have contact with you coming to your home for contact and whilst the mum might not like this she won’t have any say in this. Good luck, I’d have less respect for my husband if he told this woman he wanted nothing to do with the child. I wouldn’t class it as cheating no

sqirrelfriends · 30/01/2021 21:06

It's shit OP, personally I wouldn't be able to cope with that situation.

Have a think about how he would react if the roles were reversed and you were pregnant from someone you slept with while on a break. Would he accept it?

PeggyHill · 30/01/2021 21:07

I couldn't do it. Your husband has put you in this position and now there is no way to get away from it except to leave him. I would see it that he has left you no choice.

If he really did use a condom correctly then I think he should be asking for a DNA test, but ultimately that's up to him and his ex girlfriend.

I wou p d honestly just remove myself and my children from the equation and leave your husband to sort his own mess out. I couldn't forgive him for this.

BigPaperBag · 30/01/2021 21:08

Nope. Too humiliating and all trust would be gone. There would never be any way to move on from this as the child is always going to be in the picture, as is she.

Whathehello · 30/01/2021 21:09

@Teardrop2021

Whathehello Glad it worked out I remember your thread. It takes a very special person to be so accepting Flowers
Thank you Teardrop for the kind words Smile

She's a lovely little girl and my DC love her to bits.

4redSocks · 30/01/2021 21:10

@PeggyHill

I couldn't do it. Your husband has put you in this position and now there is no way to get away from it except to leave him. I would see it that he has left you no choice.

If he really did use a condom correctly then I think he should be asking for a DNA test, but ultimately that's up to him and his ex girlfriend.

I wou p d honestly just remove myself and my children from the equation and leave your husband to sort his own mess out. I couldn't forgive him for this.

OP has no right to deprive her own kids of a sibling though. That’s terrible.
RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:11

@MotherofTerriers

OP, paternity test first But no, I couldn't do this. Its not a baby, its a new person. Your husband will visit mum and baby when its too small to leave her. You'll be sitting at home waiting for him. He will be involved in decisions like which school to go to, he'll go to parents evenings, to the doctor when the child is ill, the child will have a relationship with your children. You'll pay maintenance for at least 18 years, longer if higher education. Your husband will go to the graduation and the wedding and have grandchildren. And in the mix will always be a woman who thinks you stole her man and wants him back. It will hurt you over and over again. I'm so sorry, its a horrible thing to happen
People do this all the time though.

Thers nothing to say this woman won't move on , I find it unlikely she will want him back for eighteen years.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 21:12

@PeggyHill

I couldn't do it. Your husband has put you in this position and now there is no way to get away from it except to leave him. I would see it that he has left you no choice.

If he really did use a condom correctly then I think he should be asking for a DNA test, but ultimately that's up to him and his ex girlfriend.

I wou p d honestly just remove myself and my children from the equation and leave your husband to sort his own mess out. I couldn't forgive him for this.

OP can't do this.
StartupRepair · 30/01/2021 21:13

It will only wort if you completely believe that is priority it you and all his children. This means that the financial hit is on him and his hobbies or interests. He is totally transparent at all times about where he is. If you have equal say on any family and financial decisions. If you are never In a position of defacto child care that you don't offer.
Children rightfully require so much time, energy, resources and love. I really feel for you being put in this position.

withmycoffee · 30/01/2021 21:13

@Lorw

You don’t deserve that, your children don’t deserve that. Please, please just leave. He may say he loves you but he doesn’t mean it, I always tell myself that ‘actions speak louder than words’ and he went and was willing to risk his whole family, his children, for a shag, that tells you all you need to know about your husband I’m afraid.

I wish you luck and strength OP. This is by far my greatest fear.

They had split up. He went off in the understanding that they were not together and perhaps part of his coming to realise what was important to him was to experience someone else. This is not in the slightest the same as someone in a committed relationship cheating. What does 'a break' mean if not 'separate'?
Taylrse · 30/01/2021 21:16

I really don't know if I could accept this situation or not. I have never been in a situation remotely close to this.

However I think it's best to take everything at your pace, don't feel pressured into deciding yet. The paternity test is important to do first.

Have you already explained this to your children, that they have a new half sibling on the way?
I haven't read every page of this to know.

Coyoacan · 30/01/2021 21:17

I don't see that he did anything 'wrong'. He slept with a woman using contraception while separated from his wife

This is my point of view, OP, take it or leave it. It will be complicated going forward but I wouldn't allow such a thing to break up a good marriage and I am usually the first on here to say LTB

oakleaffy · 30/01/2021 21:18

What would concern me is the affair seems a bit unstable and jealous- from OPs previous posts.
A child with a decent mature mother is very different to a desperado still living at parent’s house and saying OP can’t have anything to do with her husband’s child.
Huge red flag right there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread