Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

@IM0GEN at a guess I’d say if he decided not to have anything to do with the baby, he probably wouldn’t tell his other kids?

i could do it.
therefore id bounce it back to him to find a workable solution.if hes fully commited to you and kids theres gony be a wee sting adjusting.he can tell 30yr old how his picture looks ,re the baby.hating her would be easy.wont help.it is what it is.good luck

Wow in your shoes Id be feeling pretty hard done by. I think Id be weighing up drawing a line in the sand under it all and walking away (my preferred option as I know I couldnt handle the ongoing drama and emotions&physical presence) or staying put and facing the fact that you'll inevitably be mentally and emotionally invested, and the two of them could end up co-parenting& possible feeling ousted and like a third wheel feel in your own home. Sorry OP.

What @Housing101 said.

Hmm. Tbh your marriage was not very good and you both had 3 months off. In which time you also could have met someone and done the same. If we had 3 months apart I would prob expect husband to have done the same. Shes pregnant he realised he wants you and you want to try again. Fine. But this child is part of the package of your husband unfortunately.

I wouldnt accept a love child.

He jumped into someone else’s bed pretty quickly, wouldn’t give me much confidence that he wanted me back!

I couldn’t take him back, explaining that to your children’s is going to Be difficult.

3 dates, previously unknown to him and they met on a night out. She's heavily pregnant now. So baby was perhaps conceived in May or June? When we were in lockdown? Pubs etc. didn't open until July.

So how exactly did he meet her on a 'night out'?

@Namechangeforthisone83 - I think I’m more shocked that you are pretty much putting the blame on the woman who has been made pregnant by your husband and decided to keep their baby, you are trying to justify your husbands behaviour by putting the blame on her and making out your husband is the ‘victim’, whilst clearly he was a willing participant.
She was a single woman, she had sex with your husband and ended up pregnant, it’s highly unlikely if they used a condom, she would be pregnant.
A relationship ‘break’ isn’t the opportunity to have sex elsewhere but to take time to reflect on the relationship you currently have, it is frankly cheating.
You have two options, you separate, or you accept the child into your husband and children’s life and remain in the marriage. He will need to be responsible for his child and ensure he is paying for him/her too. Another question is whether he will attend the birth of his child. You need to sit down, do some serious talking and find out what is best for you both.

@cautiouscovidity

3 dates, previously unknown to him and they met on a night out. She's heavily pregnant now. So baby was perhaps conceived in May or June? When we were in lockdown? Pubs etc. didn't open until July.

So how exactly did he meet her on a 'night out'?

Countries exist outside of the UK...

OP, paternity test first
But no, I couldn't do this. Its not a baby, its a new person. Your husband will visit mum and baby when its too small to leave her. You'll be sitting at home waiting for him. He will be involved in decisions like which school to go to, he'll go to parents evenings, to the doctor when the child is ill, the child will have a relationship with your children. You'll pay maintenance for at least 18 years, longer if higher education. Your husband will go to the graduation and the wedding and have grandchildren. And in the mix will always be a woman who thinks you stole her man and wants him back. It will hurt you over and over again.
I'm so sorry, its a horrible thing to happen

What an awful situation for you to be in
I personally do not think i could stick around with all that drama, contact in the future is going to be hard for you and your marriage.

Its a disgusting situation your husband is putting you through.

I would feel more sorry for her if it wasnt for her strange behaviour, i really feel for you, your kids and the baby in this situation

No. I'm obviously not as good as some posters because no I couldn't accept a love child.

You kind of have to accept that your children will likely have a relationship with this child as their siblings but I could not play doting step mum to my husbands affair (because that's how I'd see it) child. They would be forever a reminder imo and it wouldn't be fair on anyone.

No I think your marriage is over. For your own sanity you need to concentrate on yourself and your own children. He’s made his bed. Good luck.

What do courts generally say about access/contact when the child is very young eg baby or young toddler? Could contact start later? There is no way your DH can spend time with this woman alone, surely?!

I couldn't, no. Her and the baby will be in your lives forever, a permanent reminder and complication that I fear might drive you apart for good eventually.

I think woman take men back after affairs all the time so even if you choose to look at it as an affair it's doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be over.
There is no point in saying this is ideal least of all for a poor baby brought into this world by two people who appeared to barely know each other but people have overcome worse if they truly wish to be together.. there is no easy choice here

For the child's sake too because whilst it absolutely isn't their fault, I really would struggle to play the loving, kind step mother. I honestly couldn't do it so I wouldn't even try. Put frankly, I'd be constantly wishing they didn't exist and being irritated by the intrusion on our lives which wouldn't be fair.

I could. But this would depend on husband creating a workable solution. No games, no nastiness from the baby's Mum. When old enough 50/50 access with child. If husband couldn't make that work and it all be civil then I'd have to reconsider.

I’m not sure I would call it cheating tbh. A break is to see if the relationship is right and to go separate ways for a while. I suppose it would fully depend on how the break was agreed on. If I was on a break with DH I wouldnt want him to sleep with anyone else but I’m not sure I could hold it against him if he did.

If a child came from it I’d be very pissed off that he was so bloody stupid. I’d want std tests done and I’d want a paternity test done. If it indeed was his child I’d like to think I’d try and find a way to deal with it if I truely wanted my marriage to work. The way I look at it, a decent man and father dosnt walk away from his child even if that child was the result of a mistake. I’d loose far more respect if he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby.

As for the other women, she can’t dictate what involvement you have or if over night stays are allowed. It’s between you and your husband. I’d decide what I wanted then I’d tell my DH and it would be his job to make sure my wishes were met.

No I couldn't. I would have to finish the relationship.

Either you accept this child and this woman and their place in your life and your family for ever - they are your childrens half siblings - or you don't.

[quote zigzog44]@Namechangeforthisone83 - I think I’m more shocked that you are pretty much putting the blame on the woman who has been made pregnant by your husband and decided to keep their baby, you are trying to justify your husbands behaviour by putting the blame on her and making out your husband is the ‘victim’, whilst clearly he was a willing participant.
She was a single woman, she had sex with your husband and ended up pregnant, it’s highly unlikely if they used a condom, she would be pregnant.
A relationship ‘break’ isn’t the opportunity to have sex elsewhere but to take time to reflect on the relationship you currently have, it is frankly cheating.
You have two options, you separate, or you accept the child into your husband and children’s life and remain in the marriage. He will need to be responsible for his child and ensure he is paying for him/her too. Another question is whether he will attend the birth of his child. You need to sit down, do some serious talking and find out what is best for you both.[/quote]
Agreed, on all counts except the cheating.

The person I feel really sorry for here is the innocent unborn baby. What a god awful mess to be born into.

I’d want my husband to do whatever he decides is best for the child and I’d support him in doing that.

He is not just your Dh anymore he is now father to this baby and always will be regardless of how involved he is.
Will you be able to deal with the early years when he has to go and spend time with the ow and their child. Will you be resentful if your dc have to go without or have to tighten your belt so Dh can pay maintenance. Would you feel the same way about him if he ignored his child.
Are you willing to put in the effort to make it work and share your Dh with this other child.
Only you can know think through everything Christmas birthdays how would it all work. Then decide if he is worth all that extra effort and drama.

Oh dear OP.

Let’s not even talk about how the OW came about... fact is she is pregnant and she has every right to keep her own child. I’m sure she’s not thrilled about you either.

I don’t know if I could continue or not personally I think the line has been crossed when someone has brought a life into the equation it affects all of you.