Could you accept a 'love child?'

[Namechangeforthisone83]

As the title says really. 8yrs married. 2 dc (9, 6). Deeply love my dh but I don't know what to do. Technically no cheating involved as 'we were on a break' (sounds so Ross and Rachel) for around 3 months 🙄 he didn't want the child but she did so here we are as it gets nearer I just feel devastated. All I can think about is the humility I will suffer if I continue to be with him. I never thought this would happen to me.

@TheGriffle

If he went in 3 dates with her how the has she got his mums number and the details for his aunts brother?! To be contacting them?

If you would be willing to forgive the affair then I think it only fair to accept the child as long as it is his. I would push for proper 50/50 contact though and not dance to her tune of you not being involved.

She contacted them via Facebook he has tagged pictures on his profile etc

I've been in your situation OP and no I couldnt accept it. I chose not too. We divorced. My sons dont know about their sister yet - that is something for another time.

This child is NOT your responsibility and I dont believe you have to consider him/her in making your decision. He/she has 2 parents and neither of them is you.

I suspect all the posters saying they would accept it have not been even close to the situation and cant even begin to imagine the emotions involved. I get it. I'm sorry for you.

OP - take your time.

1. Paternity test then if it is his work out where you want to be. If it is not then you need to decide if you can tay with him.

1. If it is his - then court ordered access, financial support and all legally as tight as it can be - if he does not do this then walk away from him. He needs to take control of the situation stop being passive in it and set the rules. She can not dictate who sees the child when in DFs care.

1. If the child is his - this child is never going to be out of your life - your DCs will get to know their sibling. You can not run away from this -sadly for you.

1. My now EX had another child whilst we were still married. Said child is very much part of my life and I have no regrets - comes round to play with their siblings, has over nights and I treat like aniece/nephew. It is not the DCs fault. I have moved on have new DP and SDCs but this child is still part of our lives and rightly so.

Good luck

OP, a different view from me.
I completely disagree with the majority of posters about the cheating bit. They were on a break and I wouldn't consider it cheating. I was always on Ross' side.
In regards to what should you do.. Do what is best for you personally and your kids. You seem to love the guy, the kids will benefit from that. I would try to get over what you call humiliation and try to stay in the marriage.
In regards to the lady who is expecting you husband's child.. First of all I would start with the DNA test as soon as the child is born. Desperately wanting to keep a child from a man who she saw 3 times.. It sounds a bit like Fatal attraction to me. If the child is indeed his, then he must pay CMS and try to be a part of the child's life as much as he can/allowed to. Sounds like this lady won't be very accommodating though once she finally believes he is not coming back.
It is your life, your marriage, don't let someone else ruin it

Does he want to fight to be a part of this child's life? I don't think I could be with a man who didn't do that. I personally think I would be able to separate the child from the mother and have a relationship with them but obviously you don't feel that. The child has a right to a father and it's siblings.

How is this going to affect you financially? The CMS will calculate 15% of his wages in maintenance.

I would also want him to take a DNA test in these circumstances and for you to get screened for any STDs.

Do NOT concede on ALL of his contact time being at YOUR house. She has a nerve saying that the child can't ever see you - as if she has the power to say that - how utterly stupid.

OP You don’t have to answer this but are you from a culture where second marriages are still somewhat acceptable?

She contacted them via Facebook he has tagged pictures on his profile etc
So she just randomly messaged people who were tagged in photos? How did she know they were related? They would have been tagged with their own names not 'mum' or 'aunt x'??

I could accept the child as the child would be a sibling to my own children.
However, I wouldn’t take my husband back

Sounds like she’ll make your life a misery, and this will be forever. A constant reminder of what he did, which was cheating. Can you live like this ?

@Santaiscovidfree

Madness to proceed with what ifs before he has a dna test.

Agree. I would be insisting on a dna test before anything was decided. So id be saying to my husband to tell her that once baby is born, he would like a test done and if baby is his he would like to be involved and then go from there.

@Tiktaktoe

She contacted them via Facebook he has tagged pictures on his profile etc So she just randomly messaged people who were tagged in photos? How did she know they were related? They would have been tagged with their own names not 'mum' or 'aunt x'??

There would be a caption like 'best mum in the world' 'family time with my aunt' etc it was very clear they were related also have same last name I know of course could be coincidence but that and the captions would make it easy to see. His page is not completely privatised after that incident.

I agree with DBML and Thewith, put yourself and your kids first here, not him, her, their kid and their drama. He's a real git for trying to get you to choke all this down so he can carry on having it all.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Hit the nail on the head!!!

How would your husband feel if it was you that was pregnant by another man

There would be a caption like 'best mum in the world' 'family time with my aunt' etc it was very clear they were related also have same last name I know of course could be coincidence but that and the captions would make it easy to see. His page is not completely privatised after that incident.
Ah, that's very convenient!

What a dreadful situation to find yourself dragged into, utterly humiliating, even though you have done nothing wrong.

This is going to be such a bomb drop in your children's lives.

I can well imagine, despite loving him, that you are wondering do you really want to be a part of this.

Your husband bringing his child to your home, and YOU having to act as step parent in this situation.

I would not rush into agreeing to ANYTHING.

This is NOT on you to make it work.

I would NOT be agreeing to ANY logistics regarding the child.

Any contact will be away from your home anyway for a long time as the baby will be so small, and will need to be with its mother.

How are you going to feel with him spending time with her?

How are you feeling about having this very angry woman in your life for rest of your marriage? ......well at least for the next 20 years as the child grows.

Indeed, it will NEVER be the child's fault, but that does not make you unreasonable to say you don't want to have the child around you, in your home, reminding you of what your stupid husband did.

You are human and I can understand that this may be how you feel, even though you wish you didn't.

I think you should have very, very low expectations that your marriage will survive this.

You were on a break, but the speed with which he went on the prowl is extremely distasteful, but by gum, he surely is paying for it now.

I feel very sorry for you and I can well imagine that your head feels like your head will explode.

However, ultimately, I think the humiliation and distaste of this situation, will cost him his marriage to you.
I think it most likely that as time goes on the situation will chip away at the love you had for him.

So sorry OP, you sound lovely.

@Namechangeforthisone83 FWIW I can understand you moving on from a fling. You were on a break so I can see how you’d get past it.

The child obviously complicates that immensely...

But as others have said, DNA test is a priority.

And - does your DH even want a relationship with this child?

Let’s be honest, he wouldn’t be the first man to walk away!

Hello dear. My sympathies... I don't normally post, but I felt I should give you the info I have as it may help you.
You deeply love your DH. Well then that is your guiding light here. Your DH loves you too i feel. All couples need a break. I had one from my DH that lasted years! Back with him now and it's blissful!

So I have a friend whose DH had an affair (30+ years ago). It lasted a couple of years and resulted in a baby girl. The DH was forgiven because of the great love his DW had for him, they had two little girls of their own. Fast forward to now. They are still 'in love' and enjoying retirement together, have just welcomed grandchildren into their lives. The 'baby girl' got married 3 years ago and the DH walked her down the aisle! My friend was invited along with the grannie.
All I am saying is that if there is deep love between two people...anything is possible and can be worked through.

It's bloody tough. I send a huge hug... everyone makes mistakes..

No, I don't think I could accept that situation, and that's assuming I could first come to terms with him rushing to sleep with another woman while we were supposed to be getting a little breathing space and deciding the future of our not-quite-finished marriage. (I think him giving in to a desire to sleep with other women before we'd officially called it quits would've been the end, for me, honestly.)

It's a shame that the ones who will suffer most from this mess, whatever the outcome, are the children, including the "love child".

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We’re all different & you need to take time, be kind to yourself & then decide if it’s something you can deal with. I know I couldn’t handle it & I would leave him but that’s me. Don’t be afraid to leave if that’s what you want, you can do it & you’ll be fine. Don’t put yourself through anymore pain unless you really want the marriage to work. I agree with PP - you would have this OW & the child in your life forever as a constant reminder. I couldn’t do it, the anger would eat away at me but you might be a nicer / more forgiving person than me! Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think that you find a line like 'we were separated for a while, during that time dh conceived a child, its difficult and confusing but secrets aren't healthy' and stick to it. Then you and dh keep working on your relationship. Try to fast forward 10 years. Imagine dh having a bond with the distance of time, maybe you having grown fond of a child that shares your children's DNA. And now rewind to now. Try to imagine yourself feeling positive hearing that the baby is safely born. That's enough for now, the rest will come.

@Namechangeforthisone83

Have you seen messages that 100% confirm they used a condom?

Your love for him is all well and good. But have some love for YOURSELF. First and foremost. Will you be able to feel proud of yourself in 10 years time, just accepting this situation. I wouldn't, I'd be ashamed and feel like a poor role model if I hadn't walked away. And I'd hate everyone gossiping / feeling sorry.

He's caused all of this madness and most likely would have dropped you like a hot potato if you got pregnant by someone else.

It wasn't a set time as such, we hit a rough patch and needed the time apart. I understand we both wasn't sure if we would work things out and after around 3 months ish we decided we wanted this.

Taking a breather like this isn't imo an opportunity to shag someone else, so I'd consider him a cheat and wouldn't be able to get back from that.

And - does your DH even want a relationship with this child?

Let’s be honest, he wouldn’t be the first man to walk away!

No he wouldn’t be the first but it would still make him a complete bastard. Why would he punish an innocent baby because he fucked up?

How would he explain it to his other kids ? “ Yeah well I abandoned your half sister / brother because it was complicated, you see I only love some of my kids, the convenient ones “.