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Original poster

My partner wants a baby, but not with me... help!

142 replies

DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:22

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

OP posts:
IthinkIm · 28/01/2021 09:24

Nah. Ditch her and move on. That's not normal.

Idratherberude · 28/01/2021 09:25

It's been 11 months. I feel suffocated, let alone her.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2021 09:26

I don't think this is going to work out. Have you said flat out it's over if she goes ahead with this?

Mylittlepony374 · 28/01/2021 09:27

That's crazy. Leave her. There is no way her having a baby with someone else who is in love with her doesn't negatively impact on your relationship.

FlatteredRhubardFool · 28/01/2021 09:27

I don't know where to start with this it's so messed up. Do all the kids caught up in this a favour and split up.

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:29

I've said flat out that having a baby with her friend is a no and I would end it. She has agreed not to do that, but is insisting on IVF and looking at buying sperm from a bank.

OP posts:
WitchWife · 28/01/2021 09:30

She’s in a toss up between her future being with you and with him (at least as a co-parent but presumably as a big emotional/financial support and probably sex too). That’s what jumps out at me from this.

Anyone would be MAD to have a baby with a friend who has feelings for them (I actually considered going this path with a friend before realising he had feelings and seeing what a terrible idea it was) - unless they want this to become a hugely complex and involved situation!!

WitchWife · 28/01/2021 09:32

I think if you’re relatively new to the relationship and she wants to have IVF (and you already have kids) - why are you upset about this?

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:34

@WitchWife

I think if you’re relatively new to the relationship and she wants to have IVF (and you already have kids) - why are you upset about this?
I'm not against this TBH, I've said that I could do it and would like to be involved and supportive. That's why I proposed us move in as planned and she have the IVF.

I don't quite understand her resistance to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:35

@WitchWife

She’s in a toss up between her future being with you and with him (at least as a co-parent but presumably as a big emotional/financial support and probably sex too). That’s what jumps out at me from this.

Anyone would be MAD to have a baby with a friend who has feelings for them (I actually considered going this path with a friend before realising he had feelings and seeing what a terrible idea it was) - unless they want this to become a hugely complex and involved situation!!

I agree entirely, it's been a concern for a while
OP posts:
MaizeBlouse · 28/01/2021 09:35

Whichever way you look at this, it isn't a healthy relationship.

To be plain and simple a healthy relationship is: two people who are committed to each other only, put the welfare of thier children first in any blended situation and communicate openly and maturely to each other.

Love2cycle · 28/01/2021 09:36

I don't think this girl either loves you or trusts you. I doubt it's anything to do with you, sounds like she had her own issues.
She is being very selfish to everyone involved and acting like she's the centre of the world.

MMmomDD · 28/01/2021 09:38

You lost me with the ‘girl of your dreams’... are you 15?

In her place I’d not be having children with you either. You had yours, and you are only going along with it to keep her around.
At least she is mature enough to understand that 11 months isn’t long enough to know someone before committing to having a child. Because she needs someone who would be around.
You left your 3 children. So having another - or a few is easy enough for you as it just means paying maintenance and continuing your life as you please.

I hope she makes a right choice for her. And doesn’t turn her life around for someone’s fantasy.

(On a side note - not sure why a 30 min move means a change of job...)

Tellto · 28/01/2021 09:38

leave her.. she sounds an absolute mess!

Justcallmebebes · 28/01/2021 09:39

Way too batshit for me I'm afraid

litterbird · 28/01/2021 09:40

Goodness me what a messy situation. You already have 3 kids, she has one. Just stop for a moment. You are 11 months into a relationship. Just stop. This is a really odd relationship. Just spend time getting to know one another, spend lovely times with your own children, spend time with her child but for goodness sake dont start moving in and having another marriage and child with her. This has got disaster written all over it!

Mistystar99 · 28/01/2021 09:40

Need to sort out living arrangements first. Why does it make sense for her to make all the sacrifices and move to you? I can see why it makes sense to you! But to her??

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:40

@MMmomDD

You lost me with the ‘girl of your dreams’... are you 15? In her place I’d not be having children with you either. You had yours, and you are only going along with it to keep her around. At least she is mature enough to understand that 11 months isn’t long enough to know someone before committing to having a child. Because she needs someone who would be around. You left your 3 children. So having another - or a few is easy enough for you as it just means paying maintenance and continuing your life as you please.

I hope she makes a right choice for her. And doesn’t turn her life around for someone’s fantasy.

(On a side note - not sure why a 30 min move means a change of job...)

I have not left my children at all, they spend every other full week with me and are far happier than living in a toxic environment. I also continue to support my ex wife financially

I spent thousands of pounds ensuring that I get to keep my kids around as they're my everything

OP posts:
BigButtons · 28/01/2021 09:43

It’s only been 11 months and you want a baby with her? Why?

AIMD · 28/01/2021 09:43

I’m sorry but this whole situation doesn’t sound healthy or stable to me. Throw your children, her child and a potential new child into the mix too just makes it all the more complex.

You’ve been together only 11 months. To be talking about marriage, a baby and moving in together at this stage....when you both have commitments to your own children, doesn’t make sense to me. It’s be different if you were both childless and your choices impacted no one but you.

Having arguments about something so important as having a new baby already is not a good sign either. If you’re not on the same page now about something so important how on earth would this work long term....in any way.

I don’t mean to sound harsh op. But honestly the only advice I could offer on the basis of what you have written is to either end what is clearly not a good relationship or to put the breaks on and see how things pan out before committing to sharing households or having another child come into your life.

ukgift2016 · 28/01/2021 09:44

What a mess.

She properly doesn't want to have a baby with a man who already has 3 kids.

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:45

@Mistystar99

Need to sort out living arrangements first. Why does it make sense for her to make all the sacrifices and move to you? I can see why it makes sense to you! But to her??
I agree entirely, I have tried to persuade her that she doesn't need to sacrifice so much, but she insists that she doesn't want my kids to have too long a trip to school as they'll be with us every other week.

It's a logistical challenge, but not a nightmare

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 28/01/2021 09:45

She doesn't seem committed - a committed partner would choose to have a baby with you, not a sperm donor or a friend. Or if they felt it was too soon they would wait a year or two to be sure - is there a reason she won't wait? Is she in late thirties or older?

Either way it's a huge ask for you to take on another man's child that hasn't been conceived yet, whether a donor or a friend, when you're able to father your own children. It suggests she doesn't really think you'll be together long term, I'm afraid. It all sounds very bizarre and I'd be very careful before getting too entangled with someone who thinks this is the best approach to having a child. The fact she can't comprehend you had a vasectomy when you have 3 children already and didn't want a fourth with your previous partner is odd too - many people don't want 4 children but might be keen to have another one if they got divorced and got a new partner who really wanted one, it's not unusual.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/01/2021 09:45

A 30 min commute is hardly a "massive sacrifice"!

I think she's making it quite clear that she doesn't see a long term future with you.

AIMD · 28/01/2021 09:45

Op, again not to sound hard but if your kids are your everything then your focus needs to remain on them and you need to put the breaks on with this new partner. Moving in with someone or having a baby with someone who there is already strain/disagreement with will not be good for your children.