My partner wants a baby, but not with me... help!

[DadInNeedOfAdvice]

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

1. Have a baby together
2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

1. Have a baby together
2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

Sheesh. 11 months in and all this drama.

She wants another baby, wants you to help raise it but have the option to fuck off with said baby once she's done with you.

That is cruel on the baby, the 3 year old she has and your DD's that will have all bonded together.

Grow up and walk way before there's hurt children in the middle of this bullshit.

I get the feeling the 'girl' of your dreams is in fact much younger and quite immature.

Being blunt, it really sounds like she's pissing you about. The fact it's known that her best friend is in love with her and he is still on the scene, despite her being with you is a huge red flag convention. I think you need to wake up and give head a shake.

Also whilst it's very commendable that you're paying for the mortgage etc for your ex-wife, this situation doesn't sound very sustainable financially (unless you're very wealthy), especially if you're looking at starting another family with someone else.

How old are your three kids ?

@Cockenspiel

I get the feeling the 'girl' of your dreams is in fact much younger and quite immature.

Being blunt, it really sounds like she's pissing you about. The fact it's known that her best friend is in love with her and he is still on the scene, despite her being with you is a huge red flag convention. I think you need to wake up and give head a shake.

Also whilst it's very commendable that you're paying for the mortgage etc for your ex-wife, this situation doesn't sound very sustainable financially (unless you're very wealthy), especially if you're looking at starting another family with someone else.

I tend to agree on feeling pissed about TBH

In terms of the finances, I'm reasonably wealthy and can easily afford the current arrangement

@Tinacollada

How old are your three kids ?

7, 9, 13

I teach the results of all this ridiculous - just for the hell of it/ because I can-childish procreation.
Poor bloody kids.
New man, new baby, new man , new baby.......

I can't understand why you're pushing this relationship so hard and so fast. You barely know each other, and a lot of what you've found out about her isn't great, and she sounds like an absolute mind fuck. You are being so foolish.

You state that your children's needs are your priority - how long ago did your marriage end?

Have your kids had time to adjust to their new situation, 1 week with you and the other with their mother? How do they feel about the 3 year old calling you dad? If you don't know the answers to these questions or you're just assuming the answers, you really shouldn't be adding more kids to their household.

Is their sense of emotional security a consideration in any of this, or is hanging on to "the girl of your dreams" (You're nearly 40 - gross) actually your number 1 priority?

It sounds like she doesn’t want a baby with you. Which sounds sensible to me - you haven’t been together that long.

The best friend thing is a whole other situation though.

What a mess. I feel suffocated reading about it.

There are 4 children already living in this quagmire. 4 children who come from broken families. 4 children who have had a step family of sorts thrust into their lives after only 11 months on the basis of an incredibly new and murky relationship between people who have no idea what they are hoping to achieve together.

Children aren't house plants. You don't just think 'hmm, one more I can probably afford it so why not'.

And FFS you shouldn't be chuffed that poor confused toddler called you dad. It's really sad. In the same post you are musing about ending your relationship with her mother. Another father figure come and gone from her life.

Stop it. Right now.

The existing children deserve to be prioritised. You are responsible for 3 children. As a self proclaimed 'good guy' how about putting them first. Don't throw a newborn with a new woman into the mix. Don't start a home with a woman who clearly isn't all in.

That woman isn't sure about you. Step aside.

Enjoy your vasectomy and the three children you have.

She's sure she wants a baby. She isn't sure she wants you and doesn't want the commitment of having a child with you. She's being quite clear. You're trying to manipulate her into other options that give you more of a stake in her future. Time to walk away. You aren't compatible.

The thing is, OP, if people really want to do something, small hurdles don’t stop it from happening. She is purposely putting hurdles in the way. Take it as it is. She doesn’t want a baby with you. She doesn’t want the genetic attachment.

I know it’s hard to hear but I think you need to try and accept she doesn’t want one with you and either get on board with anonymous sperm donation and ultimately accept that it isn’t really your child and she’ll likely leave in a few years... or end it.

I’d end it. She doesn’t seem particularly into you and is messing you around. You have 3 kids and a fairly decent set up with your ex as far as you’ve described. I wouldn’t rock the boat for someone is as flakey as her.

If you want a 4th child, please wait until you’re with someone who is 100% dedicated to you and is genuinely happy being a step mum to 3 kids. It’s a big commitment, though. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen. Blending step siblings is hard work and I think you need to consider it for a lot longer than 11 months. It needs to be a really carefully planned decision where you don’t rush into things.
But, look. You have 3 kids. Put your energy into them, let her go and if the right woman comes along who is ready for commitment like you are, then great. If not, you’ve still got 3 kids. It isn’t a bad situation at all

Nope. She's not the 'girl' for you. Shudder.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

What a mess. I feel suffocated reading about it.

There are 4 children already living in this quagmire. 4 children who come from broken families. 4 children who have had a step family of sorts thrust into their lives after only 11 months on the basis of an incredibly new and murky relationship between people who have no idea what they are hoping to achieve together.

Children aren't house plants. You don't just think 'hmm, one more I can probably afford it so why not'.

And FFS you shouldn't be chuffed that poor confused toddler called you dad. It's really sad. In the same post you are musing about ending your relationship with her mother. Another father figure come and gone from her life.

Stop it. Right now.

The existing children deserve to be prioritised. You are responsible for 3 children. As a self proclaimed 'good guy' how about putting them first. Don't throw a newborn with a new woman into the mix. Don't start a home with a woman who clearly isn't all in.

That woman isn't sure about you. Step aside.

Enjoy your vasectomy and the three children you have.

THIS ^^

@BooBahBoo

The thing is, OP, if people really want to do something, small hurdles don’t stop it from happening. She is purposely putting hurdles in the way. Take it as it is. She doesn’t want a baby with you. She doesn’t want the genetic attachment.

I know it’s hard to hear but I think you need to try and accept she doesn’t want one with you and either get on board with anonymous sperm donation and ultimately accept that it isn’t really your child and she’ll likely leave in a few years... or end it.

I’d end it. She doesn’t seem particularly into you and is messing you around. You have 3 kids and a fairly decent set up with your ex as far as you’ve described. I wouldn’t rock the boat for someone is as flakey as her.

If you want a 4th child, please wait until you’re with someone who is 100% dedicated to you and is genuinely happy being a step mum to 3 kids. It’s a big commitment, though. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen. Blending step siblings is hard work and I think you need to consider it for a lot longer than 11 months. It needs to be a really carefully planned decision where you don’t rush into things.
But, look. You have 3 kids. Put your energy into them, let her go and if the right woman comes along who is ready for commitment like you are, then great. If not, you’ve still got 3 kids. It isn’t a bad situation at all

I really appreciate this comment, it very much mirrors my thoughts TBH. Thank you

I had a friend in an extremely similar situation of that of "the girl of OPs dreams"

I couldn't tolerate how manipulative and blinkered she was as to the feelings of the men and children involved, and we no longer speak.

You've got enough kids now- more than the average. Time to focus on the existing ones.

From what your have written OP it’s your GF who wants this baby right? She obviously had these thoughts before you came along.

Do not move in with each other. You have your own kids and your GF has her own DD too.

It’s too soon. If she wants to have a baby let her do option 4 and then walk away it sounds strange very strange.

To be honest, if my partner suggested sleeping with somebody else, who they knew was in love with them, for ANY reason, but particularly so they could make babies with them, I’d be out.

Your relationship is dead st this point. She might like having you around to pay for things, or whatever it is she is getting out of the relationship, but she has no commitment to you whatsoever.

You need a therapist. You really, really need a therapist. And you can clearly afford one, so please get some local recommendations and find a good one.

You should not be in this relationship. You should not be considering bringing this woman fulltime into your children's home. I don't want to speculate on why you have fallen so deep and hard into this f*ed up situation, but you should be wondering why it happened. You should be talking to someone about it and creating some personal boundaries for yourself and your dc.

Can't believe she's even suggesting having a baby with someone else, that is a deal breaker. She wants a baby more than you and seems in an unreasonable rush to have one, don't go long with it either yours or not it's too soon after 11 months. I would find someone more level headed.

One week on/off is an absolutely terrible arrangement for young children, utterly unsettling.

OP, you really are doing all the decent things to be a good Dad to your kids.

That is worth the world.

Please spend a few hours on the step parenting boards here. Blending families is fraught.

And at 7 1 would have truly struggled to see a younger child plonked in the nest and calling my Daddy ‘Dad. Being there with him, there with him when I went to my other home...

At 13 I may well have hugely resented a woman coming into my home as a step mother, and then being the focus of attention with a new baby. Especially resentful if the whole move took me away from local friends.

It is admirable hat you are concerned about your girlfriend’s sacrifices but yours could be far greater.

And, what is her financial plan if she moved to yours and gives up her job? I wonder. (Why does a 30 min commute mean giving up work? )

She sounds awful OP - I'm sorry to say, it sounds like she's not that into you. If she cared about you at all, she would definitely not be suggesting having a baby with her friend or a stranger's sperm. End this, move on, find someone who actually cares about you.

Absolutely, I'm not sure of the laws in the UK but if you parent this child for a long enough time aren't you financially responsible for it even though it's not yours? in which case you're getting played.