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Original poster

My partner wants a baby, but not with me... help!

142 replies

DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:22

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

OP posts:
Sethy38 · 28/01/2021 09:46

* I'm a good guy*

You lost me there

titchy · 28/01/2021 09:48

Dude, she's just not that into you.

strawberriesontheNeva · 28/01/2021 09:48

@DadInNeedOfAdvice

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

Eh? Hmm
Coffeeandaride · 28/01/2021 09:49

I was reading it thinking a baby for her is a deal breaker (it is).

She isn't sure you are for the long haul.

You didn't want another baby (even if you are ok to have one now).

Option 4) is just crazy and shows that having a baby is more important to her than your relationship.
So what if IVF doesn't work?

It strikes me that a rapid progressing yet not totally committed relationship and pregnancy is not in best interests of the current 4 children you have between you. I think they should be both of your priority.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/01/2021 09:50

You want it sorted and settled
She isn't convinced her long term future is with you.
It's not for you. Move on and have some confidence you will find the right partner at the right time.

Sethy38 · 28/01/2021 09:50

@titchy

Dude, she's just not that into you.
And yet she has this guy around her very young daughter to such an extent that she sometimes calls him dad after 11 months together.

Some family situations are just so... messed up

LudoTrouble · 28/01/2021 09:51

Sadly it just sounds like the timing is not right for the two of you. She doesn't want to have a baby with you. That's okay.

Break up and move on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2021 09:51

She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

Hopefully she was corrected or she will be losing a second dad figure. Of a man in her life less than a year.

All rushed, all intense, all over romanticised and stifling and suffocating to read.

This isn't a healthy enough or established enough relationship to bring yet more children into.

Why would she need to give up her entire support system due to a 30 minute distance? What an isolating thing to do and what a vulnerable position for her to be in. I can't see she would have any intention of following through on it or she would be incredibly irresponsible to uproot her child for the sake of a man she's known less than a year and a 30 minute distance...

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Well that's it then isn't it. She's decided what she wants to do with her body and her eggs. You're well within your rights to disagree but, particularly less than a year in, it's ridiculous for you to think you have some sort of say in it (like listing options) other than "I'm not comfortable with that so this relationship isn't working for me" and breaking up.

She's also essentially told you she wants a baby ASAP, not with you and might shag her mate (presumably quite a few times as it might not work first time) to do so. Do you not think she's basically telling you it's over but being a wuss about it? I mean what else could she do to put you off, ask you to watch?!

Eleven months. You've known her eleven months and are already exhibiting unhealthy relationship behaviour like being proud her 3 year old calls you dad sometimes, which isn't healthy. And all mainly through lockdown which isn't 'real world' times.

Onetwothree456 · 28/01/2021 09:51

Slightly unfair comments here. I've been reading a lot on solo parenting by choice lately for myself. This has not been an easy decision. It's involved several years of thinking and realising my age is against me and last long term relationship failing.

But I also hope that doesn't mean I won't be able to date or enter into a relationship at some stage. It would be wonderful to meet someone before I have a baby. But meeting a man and very quickly having a baby isn't ideal. Can you live with her being a mum of two who aren't your own (so similar to your own situation)?

Why does she have to move to make your relationship work and not you?

Affor · 28/01/2021 09:53

She sounds batshit.

Moving in with you and having IVF IS having a baby with you! At 11 months you should both be concerned with the consequences of having to parent together so soon, regardless of genetic material. The fact she wants to use someone else's sperm but raise it with you tells me she's not looking at you for long term, and doesn't want to be tied to you.

Run.

BlueForgetMeNot · 28/01/2021 09:53

Run while you still can!!!

Sethy38 · 28/01/2021 09:55

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

Hopefully she was corrected or she will be losing a second dad figure. Of a man in her life less than a year.

All rushed, all intense, all over romanticised and stifling and suffocating to read.

This isn't a healthy enough or established enough relationship to bring yet more children into.

Why would she need to give up her entire support system due to a 30 minute distance? What an isolating thing to do and what a vulnerable position for her to be in. I can't see she would have any intention of following through on it or she would be incredibly irresponsible to uproot her child for the sake of a man she's known less than a year and a 30 minute distance...

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Well that's it then isn't it. She's decided what she wants to do with her body and her eggs. You're well within your rights to disagree but, particularly less than a year in, it's ridiculous for you to think you have some sort of say in it (like listing options) other than "I'm not comfortable with that so this relationship isn't working for me" and breaking up.

She's also essentially told you she wants a baby ASAP, not with you and might shag her mate (presumably quite a few times as it might not work first time) to do so. Do you not think she's basically telling you it's over but being a wuss about it? I mean what else could she do to put you off, ask you to watch?!

Eleven months. You've known her eleven months and are already exhibiting unhealthy relationship behaviour like being proud her 3 year old calls you dad sometimes, which isn't healthy. And all mainly through lockdown which isn't 'real world' times.

Nailed it.

Absolutely nailed it

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2021 09:56

End this absolute car crash of a relationship before it impacts your children, because it will.

Ragwort · 28/01/2021 10:00

You both sound like lovesick teenagers.

Ditch her, focus on your existing children.

How can you possibly feel like this after 11 months of Covid dating ... presumably you are 'in love' with the fact that a younger woman is willing to share your bed and massage your ego. Grow up.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/01/2021 10:00

Hmm tricky situation that l can kind of see from both sides. One thing that jumps out is why do she HAVE to move to your area? Is there no possible way you can move or meet in the middle? Having a baby is super important to her clearly, no offence but there are no guarantees with a vasectomy reversal. I would be reluctant to prioritise an 11 month relationship over my fertility / completing my family. But using a friends sperm has disaster and drama written all over it

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/01/2021 10:01

Firstly 11 months is way too soon to be discussing all this.

Her 3 year old is cool with you being around, but do your 3 children know that you are planning for a woman they don’t know and a toddler to land in their midst?

Your girlfriend is thinking that living with 3 step children (half the time) and her child plus a new baby is a good idea?

Why on earth would you facilitate any of these baby making ‘options’ before considering a vasectomy reversal?

How far are you pandering to her push for another baby in order to hang in to the relationship?

She may well be the girl of your dreams but it all sounds like a nightmare in the making.

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 10:02

@Onetwothree456

Slightly unfair comments here. I've been reading a lot on solo parenting by choice lately for myself. This has not been an easy decision. It's involved several years of thinking and realising my age is against me and last long term relationship failing.

But I also hope that doesn't mean I won't be able to date or enter into a relationship at some stage. It would be wonderful to meet someone before I have a baby. But meeting a man and very quickly having a baby isn't ideal. Can you live with her being a mum of two who aren't your own (so similar to your own situation)?

Why does she have to move to make your relationship work and not you?

I can live with her having two of her own, no problem at all.

Reason for moving towards me is that my 3 kids need to be near their school and their mum as it's 50% shared custody

She is able to move more easily than I am, but I really dislike how much the move unfairly impacts her. I've been pushing for a middle ground so she can keep her job

OP posts:
Outdoorsywithgin · 28/01/2021 10:02

@titchy

Dude, she's just not that into you.
THIS
Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 10:04

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Hmm tricky situation that l can kind of see from both sides. One thing that jumps out is why do she HAVE to move to your area? Is there no possible way you can move or meet in the middle? Having a baby is super important to her clearly, no offence but there are no guarantees with a vasectomy reversal. I would be reluctant to prioritise an 11 month relationship over my fertility / completing my family. But using a friends sperm has disaster and drama written all over it
I agree with everything here, I would prefer the half way house in terms of location and I'm good with her having IVF if needed, but I would love to try first
OP posts:
Ragwort · 28/01/2021 10:06

I feel desperately sad for the four existing DC in this situation- you both sound totally selfish and focussed on your own needs rather than of the children that you have already created.

No wonder there are so many messed up children - what a nightmare.

lechatnoir · 28/01/2021 10:06

I think you're taken not this far too quickly and too seriously. given the complex family setups it's waaaay to early to be talking moving in and babies. If you don't want to end it completely leave her to make her own choices about IVF/sperm donation - if and when a baby arrives you may both feel differently but for now, dating and own homes is the sensible thing to do.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/01/2021 10:08

So her move means she needs to leave her job? I would be surprised if she would put herself in that situation. Especially if she wants to have a baby imminently, IVF is expensive and typically no NHS assistance is given if you already have a child

Wartigen · 28/01/2021 10:09

Why are you paying child maintenance if you have 50% custody?

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 10:13

@Wartigen

Why are you paying child maintenance if you have 50% custody?
To try and ensure that my kids have a better quality of life when they're with their mum. I also pay half of her mortgage payments so that she can afford to stay in the house.

Obviously I don't have to do this, but I feel it's important for my kids happiness and development

OP posts:
RB68 · 28/01/2021 10:13

she is not the girl of your dreams - she wants a baby with someone else but happy for you to share care as a partner - frankly fuck that for a game of monkeys she is taking you for a ride - you need to back off and out of this and find someone else

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