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Original poster

My partner wants a baby, but not with me... help!

142 replies

DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:22

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

OP posts:
C152 · 28/01/2021 14:07

This doesn't exactly sound like a good start...I would delay moving in together and definitely don't jump into having kids together. It's great you've had the conversation now, but her not wanting to have kids with you is a pretty big hurdle to get over.

Ragwort · 28/01/2021 14:09

You (sensibly) had a vasectomy presumably after deciding that three children is enough - why have you changed your mind! Is your name Boris?

I can hardly believe this, and the woman is a Doctor Hmm.

Techway · 28/01/2021 14:23

Op,how would you go about explaining the situation with an IVF baby to your children?

This isn't a soap opera or drama but feels like it is.. It is real life and you are messing with real people. At what stage did you imagine your life looking like this?

If you weren't be driven by lust/limerence would you really be going ahead with this plan??

Stop and look at this in the cold light of day. Imagine your feelings when the honeymoon phase is over...and it will in around a year's time.

YoniAndGuy · 28/01/2021 14:44

It's actually fairly logical in a way.

I don't agree that it says 'she's not that into you'. Rather, it says 'She's as into you as is reasonable to be after 11 months, and isn't seeing your relationship as more important than her own individual goals'.

Bravo, really.

I would think that how she sees it is this. You have already 'finished' your family, and your children are with another, different co-parent outside of your relationship - already three of them, so quite a few. She hasn't finished her own family, but when she does, she'd kind of rather it be organised in a way which puts you on an equal footing rather than - her having no input or investment or say in the majority of the family children, but you having a permanent say/investment in one of her two. She'd rather you both come as equal individuals with your own separate investments, she doesn't want to share a child.

I kind of get it. She's not being that sensible in having a friend as the father, but it's more sensible than a man she's known 11 months. The most sensible option is anonymous donor.

YoniAndGuy · 28/01/2021 14:46

I mean, for example - she would be thinking - ok, I'm prepared to move, but this might not work out. I want to have another baby now, I'm not waiting for three years to have a good enough handle on this guy, and I certainly don't want for it to not work out in ten months' time and me then be tied to co-parenting with this guy, and then unable to move very far from his patch because he'll now have a say over contact. Etc.

Sensible really if she wants to finish her family within the next couple of years.

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 15:15

@YoniAndGuy

I mean, for example - she would be thinking - ok, I'm prepared to move, but this might not work out. I want to have another baby now, I'm not waiting for three years to have a good enough handle on this guy, and I certainly don't want for it to not work out in ten months' time and me then be tied to co-parenting with this guy, and then unable to move very far from his patch because he'll now have a say over contact. Etc.

Sensible really if she wants to finish her family within the next couple of years.

Thanks, those 2 messages really helped me.
OP posts:
Festivalgirl83 · 28/01/2021 17:28
  1. Moving way too fast
  2. She isn't committed to you at all if she is considering ivf with another bloke
  3. Why are you paying maintence when you have your own kids 50/50??
NotaCoolMum · 28/01/2021 17:34

I have food in my cupboards older than your relationship.

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/01/2021 17:43

Question, where does this guy live? Close to you or close to her or neither?

The feeling I get is that you are a placemarker. She doesn't want a baby with you under any circumstances. This tells you she doesn't see you as a long term thing.

mydinneristasty · 28/01/2021 17:52

I love the way people think they can order up a baby as if it were a takeaway. She is 40 and IVF has a very low success rate at that age. I should know having had many attempts all of which failed. Maybe that makes me a bit bitter but it does amuse/upset me the way some people approach having a baby as a God given right. It might not happen for her or you whatever route you chose. I would focus on the relationship and not some crazy fantasy which may or may not come off. It sounds to me as if her priority is a baby, not you. Are you really ok with this?

Amotherlife · 28/01/2021 18:08

Off the point:

She doesn't need IVF if she has no reason to doubt her own fertility. Just donor insemination. IVF is for women whose eggs don't tend to fertilise easily, as the sperm is directly injected into the egg.

IVF is very invasive for the woman and each cycle very intense.

famedThesaurusofTheforgotten · 28/01/2021 18:20

Could you have a reversal ?

Grimsknee · 28/01/2021 18:21

@Amotherlife yes this whole thing is bizarre - IVF is Option 2 in this couple's strategic plan.... yet it doesn't sound as if there are doubts about her fertility.
(What kind of doctor doesn't appear to know how gruelling, heartbreaking, expensive, and often unsuccessful IVF is?)

deliciouschilli · 28/01/2021 18:21

How is she doing with being a step-parent to your 3 children. How are they coping with all this? Do they get lots of time with new step-sibling?

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 18:30

Some very odd comments and valid questions, so to clarify:
She's 29 not 40.
Fertility is not an issue for her.
I would have a reversal if we were to try together.
She's amazing with my kids, they adore her
IUI comes before IVF, but I didn't put that in the detail

OP posts:
meltedgalaxy · 28/01/2021 18:33

That's quite heavy for 11 months in.

Ghostella · 28/01/2021 18:47

In her position, I wouldn’t want to have a baby with you either. You’re already a dad to three kids and I wouldn’t want to be tied financially and emotionally to you through a child ( a rest of life commitment) after 11 months. If I wanted to be a mum again and didn’t want to wait, I’d do IVF too. Moving in together seems all very soon, perhaps you should leave her to it and let her get on with things. This means more to end than your relationship. You have 3 kids already, you don’t need to get involved in this - plenty more fish in the sea.

mydinneristasty · 28/01/2021 19:29

My apologies I thought she was a similar age to you. If she is so young and with no fertility issues then why exactly the rush? You can afford to take your time a bit. I think it is odd to be looking at IVF when the chances of you having your own child post reversal must be quite high. Great that she has such a good relationship with your kids.

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 19:39

@mydinneristasty

My apologies I thought she was a similar age to you. If she is so young and with no fertility issues then why exactly the rush? You can afford to take your time a bit. I think it is odd to be looking at IVF when the chances of you having your own child post reversal must be quite high. Great that she has such a good relationship with your kids.
I wish I understood the rush... that is the crux of the problem IMHO

If there was no rush, we could make a proper job of carefully, calmly and gently integrating the families (they all get on really well). Then when everyone is settled, we could revisit it.

That's what I've been asking for

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 28/01/2021 19:54

It’s time to remove the ‘girl of my dreams’ rose tinted glasses off. What kind of woman has a child with someone she knows is in love with her and who’s feeling she doesn’t reciprocate? Someone utterly selfish, that’s who.

Give your head a wobble!

PotterSquatter · 28/01/2021 20:01

Why are you discussing babies with a woman you don't even live with yet?

You do not know how well your children will take to the relationship when you live together yet, whether the children themselves will get on, whether you two work as a couple actually living together etc... It's madness to consider a baby before ensuring all of the above is stable and sound.

And that's without the batshittery of her having a baby with a friend.

deliciouschilli · 28/01/2021 20:01

It's very early days and she is seriously considering having a baby with another man without caring about your feelings or the feelings of your children. I'm afraid that would be a dealbreaker for me. Sorry.

JesusAteMyHamster · 28/01/2021 20:11

Run for the freaking hills........then run s bit further in case the absolute weirdo follows you.

And FFS, don't have a kid with a woman who apart from being extremely odd you've only just met..........going down that road will mean you're still tied to her long after she's boiled the last bunny.

Sunnysunshine3 · 28/01/2021 20:14

@DadInNeedOfAdvice I am in a similar situation that I have met someone who has 3 kids and had a vasectomy. I want a child but i wouldn’t want someone else’s child whilst being with with my partner. If it turns out he would never consider looking into IVF / reversals I would have to leave him. I wanted to wait to see how our relationship developed before broaching reversals and IVF. I don’t see why your girlfriend can’t just wait another year if she’s only 29, to just see where you are at in your relationship by then. Also on a side note, would you mind me asking why you went for a reversal with it being considered permanent? Have you previously thought about getting a reversal and wanting more kids or has this woman just sparked that want back in you?

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 20:29

[quote Sunnysunshine3]@DadInNeedOfAdvice I am in a similar situation that I have met someone who has 3 kids and had a vasectomy. I want a child but i wouldn’t want someone else’s child whilst being with with my partner. If it turns out he would never consider looking into IVF / reversals I would have to leave him. I wanted to wait to see how our relationship developed before broaching reversals and IVF. I don’t see why your girlfriend can’t just wait another year if she’s only 29, to just see where you are at in your relationship by then. Also on a side note, would you mind me asking why you went for a reversal with it being considered permanent? Have you previously thought about getting a reversal and wanting more kids or has this woman just sparked that want back in you?[/quote]
@Sunnysunshine3 I'm interested to find that we're not alone and hope that you manage to find a way forward too.

I had the vasectomy originally because I was in a terrible relationship and and my wife's contraception 'failed' twice on the only occasions that we slept together in years. I love my kids and stuck around until I realised that it would be better for us to split and then ensured that I stayed as prominent in my kids lives as possible.

I'm all about the kids, so when we were discussing the future, and trying to make sure we fully accounted for each others wants and dreams, she shared with me that she desperately wanted a baby. I thought about it, and realised that I would genuinely love to be a dad again and that she's an amazing person who I believe would make an incredible mum to our baby. So yeah, she stirred it in me.

That being said, I think that we're a couple of years away from it being viable, but she really doesn't want to wait. If she agreed to getting our clearly complex lives in order first, and making sure that we focus on the children that we have before bringing in more, then I would 100% have a reversal, and if that failed go through the IVF process, which we can afford.

I've said that I wouldn't want to wait too long as I'm only a few years off 40 and would want to at least be pregnant by then.

OP posts: