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Original poster

My partner wants a baby, but not with me... help!

142 replies

DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:22

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 28/01/2021 11:28

And, what is her financial plan if she moved to yours and gives up her job? I wonder

Oh yes I missed this. So she’s going to have a baby with her “friend”, then she’ll give up her job and let you support her financially? Of course the baby daddy will have to come round for contact with his child regularly, while you are out at work.

Sounds great, what a dream girl!

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 11:31

@Changechangychange

And, what is her financial plan if she moved to yours and gives up her job? I wonder

Oh yes I missed this. So she’s going to have a baby with her “friend”, then she’ll give up her job and let you support her financially? Of course the baby daddy will have to come round for contact with his child regularly, while you are out at work.

Sounds great, what a dream girl!

She's a Doctor and insists on 50:50, she's incredibly generous with her own money

She would be looking for a role in a hospital nearer here

OP posts:
shitinmyhandsandclap · 28/01/2021 11:31

11 months!!!!

Obimumkinobi · 28/01/2021 11:32

To coin a very old phrase "she's just not that into you". You can discuss logistics, suggest compromises etc but you and her clearly have different ideas about a shared future - and you're still in the honeymoon phase. Give it 5 years and by then you both won't be able to agree on what day it is!

Cut your losses, concentrate on your girls for now and subsequently you'll meet someone else.

BTW doing right by your existing children doesn't make you a "good guy" - it just makes you a parent.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/01/2021 11:41

OK, OP.

It seems as if at best she is facing a dilemma in her life. And can’t decide between a rush job into having a second child, I can see why she is keen to have two close in age, and building a relationship with you.

But is it possible for her to have all that without putting a lot at stake?

Grimsknee · 28/01/2021 11:47

Be interesting to hear how much time elapsed between your divorce and getting together with the girl of your dreams OP.

MotherExtraordinaire · 28/01/2021 11:47

As someone who has used a sperm donor to have a child, I'd say that her using her friend for IVF, is, quite frankly, a waste of money if no underlying issues as its a) expensive b) he'd be viewed as the father and the legal ramifications this has or c) to get viewed as a donor with the legal protection this offers, cost even more and add on a further 6 to 12 months on top of the ivf process.

I understand that given you have had a vasectomy that this reduces the odds quite significantly. I also understand that she feels she already had a plan b etc available. Likewise I fully get that 11 months in to a relationship with a father of 3 probably isn't the best time to have a pregnancy and quite honestly, get that I'd also be reluctant to if there was a chance that I'd "lose" my child 50% of the time in the same way that your ex has. Yes I know rights to both parents etc, but selfishly that's how many of us truly feel and I've not got a father of my child to lose sleep over!

I think that it's too soon to move in full stop. And actually if that was how things were heading, that given you're in a stronger position, you should be driving that it would be in her area or indeed 15 minutes midway between the 2 areas. For her support and stability.

Tbh, i think that if she's allowing her child to refer to you as dad, that I'd say that she's sort odnsbeidnf Cross signals. Either you're a full part of the decision and "dad" or you're simply dating and not.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 28/01/2021 11:51

@Grimsknee

Be interesting to hear how much time elapsed between your divorce and getting together with the girl of your dreams OP.
A divorce can take years though, he could have been split from his ex for quite a while.
Fieldofyellowflowers · 28/01/2021 12:17

You are thinking about raising a child together? But she wants to go down the sperm bank route? Confused

If she were to use a sperm bank, would you have any legal rights to the child? Seeing as you wouldn't be the biological father?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/01/2021 12:19

@MotherExtraordinaire good point, naively l assumed she had actual fertility issues rather than using IVF as a shortcut. I think people who have not had fertility issues or have IVF etc think it’s guaranteed Hmm. When in reality there are no guarantees at all with IVF

Namechange8471 · 28/01/2021 12:21

It's too much in 11 months!

Moving in, 4 kids between you, having ANOTHER child.

Nah man it'll end in tears.

dreamsarefree · 28/01/2021 12:22

Haven't RTFT but not sure I'd be that in to you either if you have 50:50 custody but are still paying maintenance and half your ex-wife's mortgage. What is she contributing exactly?

SeasonFinale · 28/01/2021 12:30

Why do you believe the solution is for her to give up her home and move into yours? Does she agree that is the solution? Perhaps not. It sounds like you very much want it all your way. That said I would agree it would be strange to be in a relationship and actively have a child with someone else. It sounds very much as though she is not actually invested in the relationship as much as you are, and more interested in having her next child (which is fine too if it is what she wants to do).

strawberriesontheNeva · 28/01/2021 12:47

Do you and your 'girl' have any idea just how expensive and difficult ivf actually is?
I wouldn't recommend ivf unless you absolutely have to have it, conceive naturally.

sadie9 · 28/01/2021 12:59

The big part of this that is missing is that you have another life half of the week with 3 children.
She only has 1 3yr old. How much time has she spent as a step mother to your 3 children who would be living with her every other week? That's the elephant in the room.
She's only thinking of her life. I don't think you want another kid.
You just want to keep the 'nice' week with her because I'd imagine it's like a holiday for you every week going to hers.
The other elephant in the room is that you DID have a vasectomy after 3 kids. You'll have 5 kids now - 2 for one week and 5 the next week.
If you add another layer to that already very very complex family dynamic it can only end in tatters.
And your and her actions will severely impact your existing 3 children if you invite this baby-by-any-means-possible route.

MrsVogon · 28/01/2021 13:00

too much, too soon! You are only 11 months in and all this drama is occurring. It shouldn't be like this. Girl of your dreams, or no.

Dopo · 28/01/2021 13:10

She's a doctor.
The thread gets funnier.

Stop having kids.

soughsigh · 28/01/2021 13:13

I haven't RTFT, but all of OP's replies.

I think she's using you somehow, she wants a second baby but doesn't want to do the baby bit alone? She doesn't want you to be the biological dad because you care deeply about your existing kids and she doesn't want you getting 50% custody when she dumps you.

But I might be cynical here.

CharlotteRose90 · 28/01/2021 13:15

Gonna agree it suggests she doesn’t see a future with you long term. That being said if you have had a vasectomy and she wants kids I think ivf is the best alternative. Most vasectomy reversals don’t work and she would waste all the time hoping it would work.

Thewithesarehere · 28/01/2021 13:20

Don’t play the pick me up dance. Leave her, you are her back up.

GreenSlide · 28/01/2021 13:23

I don't know how to say this without sounding horrible, but don't be that guy who produces babies with every woman he goes out with. It isn't fair on your children.

billy1966 · 28/01/2021 13:32

@BigButtons

I teach the results of all this ridiculous - just for the hell of it/ because I can-childish procreation. Poor bloody kids. New man, new baby, new man , new baby.......
I couldn't agree with you more.

What is this desperate need to have a child with people 5 minutes after they've met.

And then moving on.

What the hell is the rush and compulsion?

OP,

You have 3 children, what's the desperation for another.

Would you focus on the three you have and concentrate on supporting them after their parents have broken up.

You clearly barely know this women.

You sound a bit demented.

Calm down.

It is possible to have a great relationship with someone without procreation.

In fact the few fathers that I have known that are separated and continue to be really good fathers didn't have anymore children. They have focused on the children they have.

Flowers
Grimsknee · 28/01/2021 13:59

"She's a doctor.
The thread gets funnier.

Stop having kids."

You've heard of Doctors Without Borders... now for Doctors Without Boundaries!

mindutopia · 28/01/2021 14:03

It's way too soon to be thinking of having a child together. I think it's probably also way too soon to be moving in together and becoming a blended family. I didn't even move in with my now husband until we'd been together 3 years, and we were freewheeling adults in our 20s with no children and no ties to any home or job at the time. At 11 months, I wouldn't even be introducing someone to my child, so it seems like this is all quite rushed. Put the breaks on, enjoy your time together. If you want to move in together, great.

It does make sense she moves to you, but I would probably time it when her dc is starting school, so as not to disrupt childcare. She doesn't need to change her job. 30 minutes is a perfectly normal commute. She would be sensible to not uproot too much of her life until you both know this is going to be for the longterm. If she is in a place of considering having a baby with someone else, this is unlikely to be for the longterm.

She is obviously perfectly able to do what she pleases, but I'd take babies off the table. If she wants to be with you, great. If she doesn't and she wants to pursue IVF on her own, I would let this one go. Personally, if my partner was considering pursuing having a child with anyone but me, I'd be letting them go. There are more fish in the sea and I would want one that really wanted me.

dontdisturbmenow · 28/01/2021 14:06

She's a doctor? That explains a lot. How old is she? I will guess in the late side of 30 or even maybe early 40s.

Her attitude and behaviour is one of a woman whose priority and goal is to have another child at any cost. This will take precedence over everything.

She probably loves you and would consider a life together but this is not as strong a desire as her being a mum again.

Being a doctor, she will know the odds. Doing IVF using the sperm of a healthy man has more chance of success than trying to extract sperm from a man whose had a vasectomy as although icsi us a possibility, the likelihood of getting very healthy sperm is low, especially when the vasectomy took place years ago.

So that's that. She wants to maximise her chances of pregnancy the quicker as possible and that's not with your sperm.

She also is probably conscious that you've I my been together for under a year, in lockdown mode and have no experience of living together without somewhere to go back to. It's a big risk to have a child with you if the relationship was not to work.

She probably knows her friend better and trust that he wouldn't fight for 50/50 as she would know you'd expect since it's the arrangement you have with your ex.

It's a very difficult place to be in, but if she is so determine to have another child, there is little you can do to be more important to her.

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