Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants a baby, but not with me... help!

142 replies

DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 09:22

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Hey,

I've not found anything quite like like our situation and I need help. I'm a dad of 3 from marriage, I went to court to ensure my 50% custody and I pay maintenance and half the mortgage for my ex wife... I'm a good guy

I got together 11 months ago with the girl of my dreams, I spend every other week at her house when I don't have my girls. She has a 3 year old and we get on amazing too, she has called me dad a few times and I spend far more time with her than own dad who moved away.

We have decided that we want to live together, we've discussed marriage and were planning the move. She's been a little flaky about it, given our circumstances, the only solution that could work is for her to move to the area I live in, about 30 mins from from where she lives. That means a massive sacrifice on her part including home, job, schooling, further from family etc.

I knew that she wanted another kid and that she had considered IVF before I came along, however, this week we've had some heated discussions and I'm not sure that I like where its' going.

I've told her that I would love to have another baby in the next couple of years before I turn 40. She has said that she doesn't believe that I want a kid because I had a vasectomy (I didn't want more with my ex).

We ended up with 4 options:

  1. Have a baby together
  2. Move in this year as planned and she have IVF
  3. Have the baby this year then move in afterwards
  4. Let her have a baby with her best friend who is madly in love with her

I was honest and said that I couldn't do any option where someone we know, especially this guy, supplies sperm.

I said that I'm happiest with option 1 and less happy as she reads down the options.

She doesen't feel that the timing is right for us to have a baby together, which I do agree with, but that she wants a baby now and wont wait. She and her friend had already discussed this behind my back, and he's ready to either sleep with her or supply sperm for IVF.

Help... I really don't understand

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 28/01/2021 20:36

@DadInNeedOfAdvice

What a very odd (weird situation to find yourself in,like one of those art house foreign French drama films.

I think your partner is very confused or somewhat !

Her head is thinking one thing/but her heart her feelings is different.

She seems as if she could either have emotional baggage issues potentially or she is definitely not convinced you could reverse versectomy and have a child with her?
Why the big rush for this to happen then?
Get to know each other much better as a couple first,
Slow things down,put the breaks on.

How old is your partner then?
Totally understand you not wanting anything to do with her friends way of become a dad again.

thosetalesofunexpected · 28/01/2021 20:46

@DadInNeedOfAdvice

You might have to consider that you might not be able to have a child naturally through.

I would if you seriously would want to became a Dad again with her or if this relantship didn't work out the way you wish it would,happily ever after.
Would you still consider becoming a Dad again if you met someone else who you felt a strong connection with?obviously if this current situation did not work out?

I would definitely look into reversing your versectomy As soon as possible then as the longer you leave this,( the less chance of the viability of the success of you becaming a dad naturally again.

Sunnysunshine3 · 28/01/2021 20:51

@DadInNeedOfAdvice If it helps at all, I completely agree with you and what you have said. If you both see a future together it makes complete sense that you get your lives in order first, especially when there’s already children involved, before bringing a baby into it. I understand your girlfriend wants a baby now, and I know everyone’s different, but I would never choose to have another mans baby if my partner said yes we can try reversal / IVF in a years time. Your reasons for having the vasectomy sound sensible and you also sound like you are a good dad too. My partner is early 40s and I worry he will think he’s too old to start again. I would be over the moon if he said to me what you have said to your partner. You are showing that you aren’t jumping into things but you want to have this with her in the very near future.

Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 20:55

@thosetalesofunexpected

Yep, if it wasn't odd, I wouldn't be here asking for advice.

I think she is torn between her desire to be a mum again and to be with me. She quite rightly acknowledges that it's too early in our relationship to be doing that together now, but seems unwilling to give it a year.

I just feel awful for potentially getting in her way, but also concerned that she's not thinking straight because of that desire eating at her.

Would I want to be a dad to someone else... I can't answer that one yet, it's a good point though

OP posts:
Original poster
DadInNeedOfAdvice · 28/01/2021 21:04

[quote Sunnysunshine3]@DadInNeedOfAdvice If it helps at all, I completely agree with you and what you have said. If you both see a future together it makes complete sense that you get your lives in order first, especially when there’s already children involved, before bringing a baby into it. I understand your girlfriend wants a baby now, and I know everyone’s different, but I would never choose to have another mans baby if my partner said yes we can try reversal / IVF in a years time. Your reasons for having the vasectomy sound sensible and you also sound like you are a good dad too. My partner is early 40s and I worry he will think he’s too old to start again. I would be over the moon if he said to me what you have said to your partner. You are showing that you aren’t jumping into things but you want to have this with her in the very near future.[/quote]
@Sunnysunshine3

Thank you for taking the time, getting something like that from a lady on the other side of a similar situation has helped more than you can imagine.

I know that I've only known her 11 months, but the way things worked out with lockdown, we've effectively lived together every other week for nearly a year. I know that we have a way to go in learning everything about each other, but having been in bad relationships, we feel that we know what we want and we have got on really well for the most part since we met.

I definitely see a future with her, and I believe that she does with me too. We sat for hours working out the detail for how we could integrate the families and most of it was a challenge, plenty of debate but we got there.

Then this... I knew that she wanted a kid and had considered IVF before I came along. But it's the urgency I don't understand.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 28/01/2021 21:05

How long ago did you separate from your ex wife? A new baby is a lot of time and attention.
Whatever about your new GFs kid, your 3 kids will get less from you when a new baby arrives. Moving the other two in would be a bombshell enough without a new baby arriving shortly after.

LynetteScavo · 28/01/2021 21:10

You deserve better than this. She really isn't the woman of your dreams, unless the woman of your dreams is someone doesn't want you to father their child. You are being taken for a mug.

Vtech · 28/01/2021 21:12

She doesn’t see you as a long term prospect and is making sure your lives aren’t too intertwined. Sorry OP but it doesn’t look good. Someone who really loved you and was committed to you wouldn’t even consider these options.

partyatthepalace · 28/01/2021 21:16

This is totally odd. You’ve been together for 11 months. Why are you talking about babies??

She clearly isn’t committed to you and you sound a bit desperate for a relationship if you are seriously trying to make this strange situation work.

Just move on. And maybe learn to be happy on your own for a bit.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2021 21:58

I know that I've only known her 11 months, but the way things worked out with lockdown, we've effectively lived together every other week for nearly a year.

Take a step back here.

She has a child.

You have three children.

Do you really think that having lived together every other week for essentially the duration of knowing each other (less than a year) has been responsible parenting from either of you?

Ragwort · 28/01/2021 22:04

I think eleven months of 'dating' in Covid times is just not giving you a realistic picture of being in a relationship - these are such unusual times and perhaps you have just got far more 'intense' than you would have in 'normal' times ...and to think about trying to reverse your vasectomy just because you've met a younger woman is frankly a bit desperate. Do you really think it's fair to your existing children? You sound as though you are only considering having another child so that you can hang on to your new girlfriend Hmm.

Grimsknee · 28/01/2021 22:19

So you two get along (mostly!) on the alternate weeks when it's just you, her, and a toddler. What next - you all move in together and your three children just have to adjust? (again). Then maybe have to adust to a fifth half- or step- sibling?
I know you say they love her, but that's a very small part of blending a family, from a child's perspective. It really sounds like you think children are set-and-forget, once materially provided for.

Sunnysunshine3 · 28/01/2021 23:01

@DadInNeedOfAdvice I would give it a little time for her to think it over and hopefully she will see the logic in what you are saying. If she is adamant she wants to proceed with having a baby with another mans sperm then I would question the whole relationship. Does that mean that in the future if you don’t do exactly what she wants at the time she wants it she will find someone who will? And would you really want to stay with her if she goes ahead with her plan? Would you really want to take your time and energy away from your own kids to bring up a child that isn’t biologically yours but could have been? I can tell you seem to love this woman a lot but don’t let this cloud your judgment. If one of your mates told you this scenario about themselves what would your advice be to them? I think you are being perfectly reasonable in what you have suggested so don’t lower the bar for yourself just to keep this woman.

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 28/01/2021 23:02

She’s amazing with your kids? And yet she allows her own child to call someone dad, who she doesn’t actually want to be a ‘real’ dad to one of her kids. She sounds feckless to me.

AIMD · 28/01/2021 23:13

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I know that I've only known her 11 months, but the way things worked out with lockdown, we've effectively lived together every other week for nearly a year.

Take a step back here.

She has a child.

You have three children.

Do you really think that having lived together every other week for essentially the duration of knowing each other (less than a year) has been responsible parenting from either of you?

Sorry but I’ve got to agree with this.

How has a situation where her young child is calling you dad and you are talking about integrating your families happened before you’ve even been together a whole year.

I’ve no doubt you live your children dearly and are probably a great dad....but their needs are not being centred here at all.

deliciouschilli · 29/01/2021 21:58

You don't really, really want a baby. You want her. Giving her what she wants is your way to "get" her.. Sorry, but it is a disaster waiting to happen. You will end up hurting yourself and your children. This is not what you want to hear..but it is the voice of reason.

reginafalange2020 · 29/01/2021 22:11

@MrsGulDukat

Sheesh. 11 months in and all this drama.

She wants another baby, wants you to help raise it but have the option to fuck off with said baby once she's done with you.

That is cruel on the baby, the 3 year old she has and your DD's that will have all bonded together.

Grow up and walk way before there's hurt children in the middle of this bullshit.

This
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread