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Relationships

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Original poster

Why won't my separated boyfriend divorce his wife?

81 replies

Onemumtwokids · 27/01/2021 21:31

I have been dating a lovely man for 8 months. He has been separated from his wife for over 10 years and I have his been introduced to his 3 adult children and his teenage child, plus multiple friends as his "girlfriend". So far so good.

We met as single people on the internet but I have done a reasonable amount of background checks on him because of this, so I don't think there's a massive cover-up of anything.

However, I as my divorce gets closer to completion I am more and more bothered about why he isn't yet divorced. I have asked him and answers range from "she wouldn't sign off on it", "head in the sand" and "no need to". They are "friends" he says and have known each other since childhood.

Things have come to a bit of a head for me as he is buying a new house further away from his ex but nearer to his work (now that the teenager can travel independently between the two on the public transport). Again, all good. However, he is willing to pay a lot of extra stamp duty because of the fact he is still married and even when he sells the house he lives in now, he still owns the original family home his wife lives in too.

It's really upsetting me and makes me think that he will never divorce if he will voluntarily pay a 3% surcharge on his house for the privilege of staying married to a woman he hasn't lived with for over a decade.

Why would he do this? Help me rationalise it all.

I'm not intending to move in with him and don't even want to marry him myself in the short to medium term but I can't see myself being happy with this status quo in the longer term and I really don't know if I would still want to be the "girlfriend" of a (legally) married man in 10 years time. Not least, because it would cause a monumental mess for me if we lived together and he died whilst still married. I've already lied to my mum and told her he's divorced.

OP posts:

Deathraystare · 28/01/2021 08:09

Well, he gets to have his cake and eat it!

LookingUpIn21 · 28/01/2021 08:25

I don't have an issue with dating whilst separated but still married (I have), but I wouldn't feel comfortable not progressing to divorce myself, or if my partner showed no interest in divorcing. It feels like a shadow cast over the new relationship, to me.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who had no intention of divorcing a long-gone spouse.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 09:33

Op my partner instigated divorce proceedings after being separated for approx 18 months

It was a big shock to his ex definitely who had thought they would just live apart but stay a family unit

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 09:33

He doesn’t need her permission to divorce if they have new separated over 5 years anyway

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 09:47

Sorry op I didn’t answer your question - we were together about 18 months before he started the proceedings BUT we both met very soon after our marriage ended and I ended up being divorced about a year before he was in the end . Mainly cos my ex wanted to divorce me ASAP

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/01/2021 09:59

I am also still legally married, separated 3 years and been with partner 18 months.

We agreed to wait the 2 years at the beginning, to make things as amicable as possible for us and our kids, however 2 years has gone onto 3, a national pandemic has hit and the last thing I need right now is the stress of divorce. I am also still in the family home with our kids and don't want to 'rock the boat' by legally sorting finances and potentially having the sell the home. My ex rents nearby and it works for us (probably more for me but he had an affair so I don't feel too bad about that).

We get on well (took some time), co-parent well and I can't speak for him but I have no intention of marrying again so divorce isn't high on my priority. When we do it, I want to do it properly and get what me and the kids are entitled to and that costs money which neither of us really have at the moment. I don't ant a 'quickie' divorce that leaves me high and dry.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 10:06

Maybe it’s only important if the parties want to remarry ? Dp and I are engaged so obv he had to be divorced before he could ask me to marry him

Jocasta2018 · 28/01/2021 10:27

My parents lived apart for 25 years but remained married despite my father having a relationship for 20 of those years. I truly believe that if it hadn't been for him finally deciding to marry his partner, my parents would still be married.

It did however mean the divorce turned into a right buggers muddle as finances had become more complicated over the years. Things would've been far simpler if they'd divorced 30 years ago.

So why didn't they go for it 30 years ago?

Things would've been REALLY vicious back then & it was far easier to live separate lives & not rock the boat.
My father had a far better lifestyle with the marital assets intact - it was my mother that started over - so divorce was going to hit him hard.

As it was, after decades of 'mellowing' it still got to the stage that both hired barristers as it turned into a bunfight over assets, pensions & inheritances accrued over the 20 years of separation.

Certainly their car crash of a marriage has put me off ever linking myself legally to another & I don't think I would ever get involved with someone who was separated but still married. A divorce could happen, it might be nasty & I would not want to be a bystander again.

Beamur · 28/01/2021 10:39

Give over, you're not a mistress. Why lie to your family either? This isn't their business.
Have you asked your boyfriend why he doesn't divorce?
My DH was married, but separated when we met but all financial stuff had been sorted amicably. He and his ex did get round to divorce after a couple of years and it was pretty straightforward.
I think if your relationship is looking like a keeper I think it's fair to ask as it does have significant financial implications. Especially if you want to have children. I wouldn't agree to having kids until he is divorced for example.

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/01/2021 11:09

Because he doesn't want to.

That's all.

He won't be in any rush to re marry if he likes it how it is. It happens. Doesn't mean you have to date him if you don't like the status quo.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 11:18

@Silenceisgolden20

Because he doesn't want to.

That's all.

He won't be in any rush to re marry if he likes it how it is. It happens. Doesn't mean you have to date him if you don't like the status quo.

Exactly - he isn’t divorced because he doesn’t want to be else he would be

Men are so straightforward !

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 11:20

Op - lots of women wouldn’t accept this status quo because he isn’t exactly looking for a serious relationship if he’s married still.

Th choice is definitely yours as to whether you can accept him being married . No way could I have done xx

tisonlymeagain · 28/01/2021 11:24

I made it clear to my DP he needed to get divorced from his ex before we would live together.

I don't really understand why anyone would want to stay married to someone. Financial reasons aren't enough for me, there are as many negative financial reasons to get divorced as there are reasons to stay married.

I got divorced as quick as humanly possible, we both wanted to draw a line under it and move on.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 11:47

@tisonlymeagain

I made it clear to my DP he needed to get divorced from his ex before we would live together.

I got divorced as quick as humanly possible, we both wanted to draw a line under it and move on.

I do think it’s so true there can only be one woman in a man’s life

If he isn’t divorced it is his ex wife !

OP you need to make it clear to him that you want him to divorce and then the ball is in his court . If he doesn’t then he isn’t serious about your relationship in same way you are

Original poster

Onemumtwokids · 28/01/2021 12:08

I think I will continue the relationship at a fairly casual level until he gets divorced. I am not ready to live with him anyway and I have just bought my own post-divorce house to live in with my kids.

The strange thing is that he seems more keen on having a serious relationship than I am, he just doesn't seem to see how incompatible that is with him remaining married.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 28/01/2021 12:22

You may get further with your request if you offer to sign a pre nup.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 12:24

@Onemumtwokids

The strange thing is that he seems more keen on having a serious relationship than I am, he just doesn't seem to see how incompatible that is with him remaining married.

Typical man ! They don’t think it’s a big deal because to them it isn’t .

It is a big deal to his ex wife and I suspect she will be less friendly if - when he says he wants a divorce

Am I correct in assuming she hasn’t met a serious partner herself ?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/01/2021 12:35

It’s odd from my perspective. My husband and l split up, we got divorced within the year. Onwards and upwards surely. Even during that relatively short length of time then l was worried about me dying and him benefitting. I changed my death in service at work to my mother as the beneficiary for example. Yeah it’s a hassle and expensive but psychologically l felt so much better afterwards

FinallyHere · 28/01/2021 12:36

I've already lied to my mum and told her he's divorced.

Honestly, don't do that. Or at least come clean about it. Live your life the way you think is right and then own those choices.

Lying about your circumstances to people close you you , like your parents, just means that you are ashamed.

If he isn't divorced TDA years after splitting, then you might as well work on the basis that he will no divorced. If that's not what you want, then do what you have to do.

Don't live your life lying, it really doesn't do you any good at all.

he seems more keen on having a serious relationship than I am, he just doesn't seem to see how incompatible that is with him remaining married.

Or he is future faking. Good luck.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 12:44

How can he have been on the internet presenting himself as single !! Sounds a bit deluded tbh OP

movingonup20 · 28/01/2021 12:45

I've toyed with not bothering with divorce because financially I would be better off - I'm the beneficiary of his very generous life assurance and pension that way. I think I will once covid is over for closure I suppose but we probably won't bother with the consent order as it's costly and of no consequence to us.

movingonup20 · 28/01/2021 12:48

In my case I think I would like to marry dp in the future hence sorting it out btw, otherwise it makes no difference

billy1966 · 28/01/2021 13:03

@Onemumtwokids

The strange thing is that he seems more keen on having a serious relationship than I am, he just doesn't seem to see how incompatible that is with him remaining married.

Do yourself a favour and do not become invested here.

The relationship is young and he has baggage.

I can well understand a woman not wishing to be involved longterm with someone who clearly doesn't wish to regularise his marital status.

I could well understand you being embarrassed about it.

And yes I think it smacks of him expecting any woman to just accept his situation.

I think any woman with self respect and standards wouldn't find this acceptable.

Each to their own of course🤷🏻‍♀️

cuddlymunchkin · 28/01/2021 13:11

You're in a relationship with a married man. If you're happy with that, as he obviously is, then great. But be clear about the fact that he is and will continue to be married - to someone else.

WombatChocolate · 28/01/2021 13:19

I wouldn’t be willing to go forward in a relationship if this was the case.

That’s because I am very pro marriage and so if the relationship was to keep going, I would be wanting to marry...and obviously that wouldn’t be possible. If he doesn’t want to divorce, that’s his choice of course, but it would mean we weren’t on the same page in terms of values as he wasn’t interested in marrying me.

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