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Relationships

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Original poster

Why won't my separated boyfriend divorce his wife?

81 replies

Onemumtwokids · 27/01/2021 21:31

I have been dating a lovely man for 8 months. He has been separated from his wife for over 10 years and I have his been introduced to his 3 adult children and his teenage child, plus multiple friends as his "girlfriend". So far so good.

We met as single people on the internet but I have done a reasonable amount of background checks on him because of this, so I don't think there's a massive cover-up of anything.

However, I as my divorce gets closer to completion I am more and more bothered about why he isn't yet divorced. I have asked him and answers range from "she wouldn't sign off on it", "head in the sand" and "no need to". They are "friends" he says and have known each other since childhood.

Things have come to a bit of a head for me as he is buying a new house further away from his ex but nearer to his work (now that the teenager can travel independently between the two on the public transport). Again, all good. However, he is willing to pay a lot of extra stamp duty because of the fact he is still married and even when he sells the house he lives in now, he still owns the original family home his wife lives in too.

It's really upsetting me and makes me think that he will never divorce if he will voluntarily pay a 3% surcharge on his house for the privilege of staying married to a woman he hasn't lived with for over a decade.

Why would he do this? Help me rationalise it all.

I'm not intending to move in with him and don't even want to marry him myself in the short to medium term but I can't see myself being happy with this status quo in the longer term and I really don't know if I would still want to be the "girlfriend" of a (legally) married man in 10 years time. Not least, because it would cause a monumental mess for me if we lived together and he died whilst still married. I've already lied to my mum and told her he's divorced.

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/01/2021 17:56

I've recently got divorced but only because he has met someone else that he wants to buy a house and have kids with. We have no kids and no marriatal assets together but was separated 6 years before we made it legal. In short I couldn't be arsed and neither could he. We were mates, it ended because we wanted different things I didn't care one way or another whether we divorced or not. I don't want to get married again, I'm not interested in merging finances with anyone and kids are a definite no no. In his situation, especially if he owns his own property, there are still kids involved and you aren't looking at getting married then he may be thinking it's a lot of expense and hassle for not really something that is an issue to him.
You're with him so it can't be too much of an issue for you either, if it is then why would you have continued developing a relationship with him. If you ever consider living together then I'd look into the legalities of it but until then he owns his property, it's not like you've financially contributed and stand to loose anything if something happened. You've only been together a year I wouldn't expect you to come in at that stage and start expecting him to change things that obviously aren't bothering him.

Flittingaboutagain · 28/01/2021 18:20

Hi OP

My partner was like this. Had tried to get divorced but didn't go through with it because couldn't agree financial terms. Years before we met.

On one of early dates I explained that I couldn't progress the relationship because of concerns about if we had a future, and someone else was his wife. He got a solicitor and the financial order and absolute were done a year later. It cost him a few thousand in legal fees but it meant the world to me.

In my situation he needed to be aware that he was choosing money over a future with me. He had just never had an incentive before to take the financial hit. If it had cost him £££££+ as some drawn out legal cases do, who knows what I'd be saying now though.

Iyiyi · 28/01/2021 18:27

DP got divorced after 7 years separation and I don’t think he would have done it if it wasn’t for me - although it wasn’t so much him being married that bothered me but the fact that he wanted us to buy a property together, and make a joint commercial investment. I don’t care about us getting married but I wasn’t prepared to make myself financially vulnerable by entering into a joint financial arrangement with someone who was married. He and his ex had an amicable relationship and she wasn’t out to screw him financially - but you never know how things might play out and while she might have a good relationship with him, she has no loyalty to me, and us progressing our relationship could have been a trigger.

In his case it was laziness, his own personal feelings about divorce, and his reluctance to disrupt the amicable status quo. All of which I understood, but which were incompatible with us having a long term committed relationship.

Iyiyi · 28/01/2021 18:34

Just to add to the above - we talked about the situation and I made it clear how I felt, in my head I had a timeframe for it being resolved and if it wasn’t, I would have walked away. I didn’t want to manipulate him into doing something he didn’t want to but I didn’t want to compromise my own happiness.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 18:40

@Iyiyi

Same - he knew we would have no future if he didn’t divorce his ex as soon as practically possible

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/01/2021 18:41

It cost him a few thousand in legal fees but it meant the world to me.

You see, I don’t have a few thousand do divorce properly, and neither does he. What I do have is the family home that me and our kids are living in and that stability is more important to me than making our separation legal by divorcing right now.

My relationship with my partner is committed and serious though. I just don’t want to marry him or anyone else. Why would I do that again? He rushed his divorce with his ex wife within the first year they split and everything’s in a bit of a mess now for him financially so I’ll stick with being separated but secure.

Emmie2021 · 28/01/2021 18:52

@Sunshineandflipflops

It cost him a few thousand in legal fees but it meant the world to me.

I do think this is the reason a lot of men won’t divorce - ex-wives wanting to feel secure and still married in a sense

Flittingaboutagain · 28/01/2021 20:33

You see, I don’t have a few thousand do divorce properly, and neither does he.

It only cost this much because they had to go to court as they didn't agree.

I don't think you are secure really. If your ex meets someone like one of us we'd expect him to divorce on order to have a relationship so you might have to face it anyway. You might not want to marry your partner, but if one day you want to jointly own a property, getting the financial security of a fully settled divorce with a consent order means a lot to some people.

Fudgsicles · 28/01/2021 23:43

I know someone who was dating someone who was separated but still married. He died very suddenly and his ex, who had had an affair and wasn't nice to him at all, got everything. All because he never got around to sorting it out.

She was removing cash and other things from his house before his body had been removed!

Emmie2021 · 29/01/2021 09:20

@Fudgsicles

She was removing cash and other things from his house before his body had been removed!

Blimey - more fool him !

Iwonder08 · 29/01/2021 09:45

OP, i used to work with a guy, he has been separated from his wife for 8 years, all these 8 years he lived with his new partner. The new partner eventually pressed him to get married so he needed to get divorced. I asked him why hasn't he divorced before, just out of curiosity. He gave me 2 reasons : there was no emotional need to do that as thyy are very amicable with his ex and Co-parent very well and there was no need to go through the paperwork and all the hassle as the married status just never bothered him..

BlueThistles · 29/01/2021 13:32

do some people (possibly) remain married on paper... so they can avoid 'walking up the aisle' again...

is this a remote possibility 🌺

Bananalanacake · 29/01/2021 13:54

I had one of these, we were together for 4 years, he couldn't be bothered to sort his divorce so I refused to go on a foreign holiday with him. We never wanted to live together. I ghosted him when I met my now DH.

Emmie2021 · 29/01/2021 14:32

@Bananalanacake

God !

Silenceisgolden20 · 29/01/2021 14:46

I also think divorce is a very emotive subject. Some people are ready to face it, some people are fine with the status quo. T

My guess is, as i posted before, he doesn't want to. For whatever reason. As men usually go for what they want.

It could be he's not ready to face the paper work. Could bring up lots of feelings he doesn't want to face. Means change and he doesn't want that right now.

There will come a time when they will have to. (Unless one of them dies and it gets messy. It gets messy if they've moved on with new partners)

And he's not ready for that time. Not right now.

Not much you can do but tell him how you feel.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2021 15:01

Did he describe himself as single or separated when you met him?. He does not want to get divorced I think for a whole host of reasons; laziness and apathy being but two. Do you really want such a man in your life going forward?. Eight months in is still him being very much on his best behaviour. Fact is he remains very much married to his wife whilst you in turn are dating a married man, albeit one separated for 10 years. You are as yet not divorced either so you've given yourself no time really to recover from the end of your own marriage. Instead you are dating this person now for 8 months; why?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I think he could continue to lead you a merry dance if you allow it and why have you lied to your mother about his marital status?. Honestly I would wonder now whether continuing a relationship with him is worth all this and to my mind it is not.

sassy63 · 09/09/2021 08:47

I was in a similar type of relationship for on and off 9 years. He was separated when we met I met his girls I got on well with both but one in particular who was a mum herself I had a great relationship. I told him when we met that I didn’t want to spend my life with something was married to someone else, there are numerous complications, he told me it was on the cards, lots of issues over the years finally resulted recently in him confessing he couldn’t be bother to divorce her he didn’t want to give her half his money! He’s now an ex partner. Asks him outright, don’t worry about the next 40 years life too short, you will do fine without him. In my opinion there is no respect for you or your dreams of a future together it will be thwart with problems and doubts and your self esteem will suffer, mine surely did.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 08:51

I don't know what his reasons are, but I know I couldn't be with a married man, whether that's "just" on paper or not.

sassy63 · 09/09/2021 09:14

I learned my lesson and that’s a big no no going forward. If any prospective new partner is separated but not divorced, I’ll run for the hills. I had the best relationship with him, but ultimately it created huge waves, he knew the score I told him from the off but chose to manipulate and lie to get what he wanted, but its back fired in him. He’ll move on to some other vulnerable female who falls for his charm and believes he’s a decent guy and will do the honourable thing! I wish them well.

MrsMaizel · 09/09/2021 09:24

I don't understand the financial reasons that some people suggest are a benefit about staying together - first of all you are projecting a long long way into the future if you are talking about death . Children do not inherit assets without some liability depending on the amount of the estate . Yes , while there is passing on to a spouse a property , there is no IHT on anything less than 325k so if parents were to divorce and split property then it could in fact be beneficial . A widow's pension that dies with you ? Much better to have a pension transfer amount on divorce which will transfer to your children with no IHT . Buying a house while still married to someone else - madness ! Anyone who has been married but separated for this length of time is imo a combination of any of the following - lazy , scared of his wife , guilty and not financially savvy. None of these are attractive characteristics.

logincard · 09/09/2021 09:27

its simple. He doesn't divorce because he doesn't want to. That's it. I will not have a second date with such a man ( and I have met lots) because in the end I know it will really bother me.

move on. this will eat away at you and destroy your relationship anyway

Pumpkinsandtrees · 13/09/2021 21:56

Any update? You are clearly not happy at the idea of having a long-term relationship with someone who is married to someone else and I feel exactly the same way. I think you have to be honest with yourself and him. It sounds like this is a dealbreaker for you. You should tell him that you don’t want a boyfriend who is married to someone else. Ask him if he is going to get divorced. If he is, when is he going to get divorced? He needs to give you a straight answer. If you don’t get one, that is your answer (he’s not getting divorced in the foreseeable future). The reasons for him staying married or getting divorced don’t really matter. If he wants to stay married (for whatever reason) that’s his choice. If you are not happy with having a married partner for the long term ( and I don’t understand why anyone would) then you need to do what’s right for you and end it. I am divorced, my boyfriend is still married (legally separated). I asked him early in our relationship (last summer) if he was going to get divorced and if so when. He hadn’t been officially separated for long enough at the time to file but he has now. He said he would start the process this year but as far as I am aware it hasn’t happened yet. I’m going to bring it up tomorrow. I made my feelings very clear from the start so it shouldn’t be a surprise to him. He is brilliant, we love each other and we have a good relationship so I think he will follow through but if he doesn’t, I know I’m walking away.

sassy63 · 13/09/2021 22:20

I support you on this. I was with my husband 32 years and a victim of domestic violence, I was divorced when I met him. I think I was a bit naive and in a vulnerable place. I laid out all of my cards on the table at the start and so did he, or so I thought. I have never connected with someone in the way I did with him and don’t think I ever will again, but ultimately he lied to me about his availability, I waited and hoped he would see the light, given he constantly declared his love for me, but he made the choice to stay married and I made a better one and walked away. I tried to talk to him on many occasions but he said he didn’t do ultimatums, my response was neither do. He’s in a loveless marriage perhaps passing his time now counting his money. He might be a wealthy man but he’s lost so much more in the form of friendship, love, family, respect etc. All the things money can’t buy. Don’t wait as long as I did there’s a whole world out there and a life to live, you don’t need any man to validate it x

Viddy2021 · 13/09/2021 22:20

@Aquamarine1029

I don't understand why you are still with him. Him being married clearly upsets you, and you're even lying to your mother and children about him. How would they feel when they find out the truth, knowing you've been lying to them as though you're a young girl not wanting to get in trouble?They probably will find out because lies rarely stay buried.

You will never be satisfied in this relationship, and you are old enough to realise this. He will never get divorced. You are really wasting your time.

This message is so unhelpful. Its only been 8 months. I was in your position, my partner had never got around to it. It was important to me, he knew it, and he divorced, a year and a half into our relationship. Things evolve.

OrangutanLibrarian · 13/09/2021 22:33

Why don’t you ask him?

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