How can I expect him to love me after 5 minutes..?

[Coffeeandbananas]

I wondered if I could get some advice.
Me and bf have been 'together' for 3 months. We're exclusive, and we met on a dating app.

When I met him I had only recently come out of an abusive relationship. I joined the dating app for a look around and didn't really intend on chatting to anyone. Boyfriend was the first and only guy on there I ended up speaking to. At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend' and I'm happy how things have turned out.

I suppose the issue is with me and my self esteem but I'm not sure. We were chatting about a month ago and he asked me if I'd ever been in love - I said yes a couple of times. I asked him if he had and he told me how many times and who with. He's mentioned a girl he worked with who has since left his place, quite a few times .. it turns out it was a crush and she wasn't interested but he became obsessive (he admits to this) and told me he fell in love with her after 5 months of knowing her. They never had a relationship or fling, never spent time together - she ignored him at work after she found out he had feelings for her.

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend. There is a slight other issue and that's with sex - we haven't had penetrative sex as yet as he finds it nerve wracking which I totally understand and don't mind at this point - we are intimate in other ways and spend every weekend together

My gripe is, I feel like I'm falling for him and I told him this, he says it's too soon to tell me he loves me ., and he doesn't feel comfortable yet but definitely feels he will get to that stage in the future.

Am I wrong to feel jealous and weird about previous girl - not just the age gap, but how can he fall in love with someone he didn't even know, wasn't intimate with and didn't spend time with. Maybe I am being jealous but I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like I'm possibly being used (for 'sex' primarily) as how can he have loved her and not the one he's been so intimate with? Especially since it's his first experience of intimacy.

I'm not sure whether to end things - I don't want to lose him, but can't get this stupid thing out of my head. I've brought it up once (not in the way I've posted on here) and he reassured me that she is in the past. I know she is, but it's not quite what I'm getting at.

Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Sorry for rambling

He wasn't really in love with her. He was infatuated and that's very different to developing genuine feelings for someone you know and are in a relationship with.

I've thought I was in love a few times with men I wasn't in a relationship with but I wasn't really.

@YesterdaysPizza but he doesn't acknowledge that, which is annoying. It's as if he genuinely believed it was love. Not sure how to feel about that.

Someone once fell in love with me to the point of obsession.

Except that he wasnt really in love with me. He only saw me at my best and didnt really know me! He'd fallen in love with am idealised version of me and what I represented.

He told everyone he loved me though.

He probably did feel that he was in love with her. She didn't challenge him, she was always perfect because she never had the opportunity to be anything else.

He is getting to know you properly. He sees the good and the bad.

It's totally different.

If he doesnt recognise that (and a lot of people don't- just look at all the threads on limerance on here!) then that doesnt mean anything about how he feels about you.

It all sounds a bit like hard work.

I'm wary of the last year and people feeling they're in love or falling. Nothing is normal.

Everything may change when covid is over, I'd just try and stay aware of that if it were me.

What he has with you is real. What he imagined about her wasn't.

I would be running a mile from this man, and then I would keep running. This whole senario has disaster written all over it. Stop wasting your time and move on.

you're just out of an abusive relationship and straight into a thing where he pushed you for more than you wanted to give, you felt 'swept away' and now something about how he's being with you is jangling your alarm bells.

you are not ready to date, bin him off and do the freedom programme online.

He sounds quite immature for a man of his age. An infatuation with a girl half your age you don’t really know and have never had a relationship with isnt ‘love’.

To be honest, you have not long come out of an abusive relationship and this guy sounds like he has his own baggage. I’d proceed with caution, take things very slowly, put his fictional love interest out your mind and concentrate on getting to know each other.

1. You were just out of an abusive relationship when you met
2. He pressed hard for you to be his girlfriend
3. He thinks it's too soon to tell you he loves you
4. But he wanted to tell you about these other girls he's loved in the past

I could go on but I don't want to labour the point. Be very wary OP. He doesn't sound like the right man for you.

He's a 46, a virgin and you're his first girlfriend? This alone would set off alarm bells for me!

He's a virgin at 46? Sounds like he has issues that will not be easily resolved. Are you happy for this to be your life?

Things really aren't meant to be hard work at this stage.

He's not meant to pressure you into more than you want either.

I'd back off and be very sure of your boundaries. (Actually, I'd run a mile from this bloke.)

Why is he a virgin at 46?

Don’t get me wrong, people are perfectly capable of being virgins much later in life, but IME that does lead to a different understanding of feelings...

Bearing in mind he has never been intimate with a woman, so his definition of love is likely different to yours.

I had a BF like this in school. He was 5 years older than me, had never had a GF before, and when we went out he was adamant that I was the one for him,, the love of his life. He also told me years and years later that he viewed our break-up as very bad break-up even though for me the relationship had just run its course.

He never had a physical relationship until he got married 2 years ago, by which time he was 49.

I have no idea about his marriage or his sex life, but I am certain he sees things in a different light now to then.

A man who has never been intimate with a woman who still isn’t sure about how he feels is unlikely to want to take that step any time soon. There will be a reason why he’s a virgin at 46, and possibly he needs to deal with that first.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend.

Nope. Chuck him back in.

Run for the hills!!!!!

@TeaAndHobnob

1. You were just out of an abusive relationship when you met

1. He pressed hard for you to be his girlfriend
2. He thinks it's too soon to tell you he loves you
3. But he wanted to tell you about these other girls he's loved in the past

I could go on but I don't want to labour the point. Be very wary OP. He doesn't sound like the right man for you.

This. It's worrying that he still thinks what he felt for her was love rather than desire/obsession from a distance.

Protect yourself from being the person he uses to try out being in a mature adult relationship. Not on your watch.

Ps sorry to be blunt but as someone who let something not-right go on far too long aged 36, please don't waste a precious part of your life on this, especially if you want children one day.

It's perhaps not very charitable, but a man who has got to 46 without having sex has likely given off "run for the hills" signals to many, many women before you. Trust the instincts of your sisters here!

I'll be honest, I find it very alarming that you don't seem to appreciate the veritable sea of red flags that surround this man. Until you get yourself sorted, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be involved with anyone, and especially not with a 46 year old virgin with sexual dysfunction and no clue about healthy relationships.

He has no idea what love is.

Quite apart from anything else, once the novelty has worn off he'll think there's something wrong with the relationship because it doesn't have the fizzing stars and unicorns that were there in the beginning.

(Fizzing stars and unicorns are romance and they never last, but an amazing number of both men and women don't appear to realise this. Despite experience - which to be fair he doesn't have.)

You weren't looking for a relationship, life is odd right now, the sex is dismal, he's a romance junkie and a weirdo. I'd throw this one back.

Please note: You don't have to make him understand why!

46 year old virgin? I’m sorry but something has to be up there.

I was in love with Donny Osmond but I grew up.

I think you are worrying entirely about the wrong things. The workplace obsession, the pushing you hard for a relationship and the age gap thing are all massive red flags. This has out of the frying pan and into the fire written all over it and it’s a bit worrying you don’t seem to see that.

I’d suggest you do the freedom programme.

He doesn’t understand love. He doesn’t know what it is.
Love for him is one sided and obsessive and does not have to deal with a living breathing communicative person.
I have met several men who were virgins post the age of 30. For no ‘religious or moral reason’. My ex husband was a virgin at 35 and hadn’t kissed anyone or even held hands with anyone. No religious or moral reason. When I met the mother I found out why but the scars were deep. The parents controlled him abs he is turned tried to control me abs his parents wanted to control me. Totally weird. Sexual problems can and do exist of course. In this case the red flag is him surrounded by red flares and I would run. Do the freedom programme and run.

If he's a virgin at 46 and sleeping with you, he'll be a virgin at 56 as well.

Read what the others have said. This has so many red flags, OP.