How can I expect him to love me after 5 minutes..?

[Coffeeandbananas]

I wondered if I could get some advice.
Me and bf have been 'together' for 3 months. We're exclusive, and we met on a dating app.

When I met him I had only recently come out of an abusive relationship. I joined the dating app for a look around and didn't really intend on chatting to anyone. Boyfriend was the first and only guy on there I ended up speaking to. At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend' and I'm happy how things have turned out.

I suppose the issue is with me and my self esteem but I'm not sure. We were chatting about a month ago and he asked me if I'd ever been in love - I said yes a couple of times. I asked him if he had and he told me how many times and who with. He's mentioned a girl he worked with who has since left his place, quite a few times .. it turns out it was a crush and she wasn't interested but he became obsessive (he admits to this) and told me he fell in love with her after 5 months of knowing her. They never had a relationship or fling, never spent time together - she ignored him at work after she found out he had feelings for her.

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend. There is a slight other issue and that's with sex - we haven't had penetrative sex as yet as he finds it nerve wracking which I totally understand and don't mind at this point - we are intimate in other ways and spend every weekend together

My gripe is, I feel like I'm falling for him and I told him this, he says it's too soon to tell me he loves me ., and he doesn't feel comfortable yet but definitely feels he will get to that stage in the future.

Am I wrong to feel jealous and weird about previous girl - not just the age gap, but how can he fall in love with someone he didn't even know, wasn't intimate with and didn't spend time with. Maybe I am being jealous but I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like I'm possibly being used (for 'sex' primarily) as how can he have loved her and not the one he's been so intimate with? Especially since it's his first experience of intimacy.

I'm not sure whether to end things - I don't want to lose him, but can't get this stupid thing out of my head. I've brought it up once (not in the way I've posted on here) and he reassured me that she is in the past. I know she is, but it's not quite what I'm getting at.

Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Sorry for rambling

So many red flags - not least of which is that you ventured back into dating so soon after the end of an abusive relationship. Is it even worth it to suggest that you stay single for a while and do some exploration in therapy of your relationship style? Possibly not.

@TeaAndHobnob

1. You were just out of an abusive relationship when you met

1. He pressed hard for you to be his girlfriend
2. He thinks it's too soon to tell you he loves you
3. But he wanted to tell you about these other girls he's loved in the past

I could go on but I don't want to labour the point. Be very wary OP. He doesn't sound like the right man for you.

Exactly this op. All sorts of red flags.

Often people jump straight out of one abusive relationship and into another. This has all the hall marks.

It even sounds like he love bombed you in the beginning.

I think you should walk away op and take some time to stay single. And to read up on healthy relationships and how to spot abusers.

Walk away now...sounds like all kinds of wrong
I've read all the replies and I've agree, walk away

You both sound bonkers tbh

"but he became obsessive (he admits to this)"
Well now you know more about him.
He 'fell in love' with someone at work but she had nothing to do with him. He mistook her friendship.
However he classifies this to you as one of the major relationships in his life. It was a fecking passing crush on a work colleague!

He's 46yrs old. Has got to nearly 50 but never has had sex or been intimate with anyone, ever except you.
I dunno. It's unusual isn't it?

RUN! ALL the red flags above...

And do the Freedom Programme.

And get your head a whole lot straighter before you even think of dating anyone. Sorry.

My head is exploding op, there are just too many questions whirring round my head.

Why do you not feel the same?
Be careful, you have already been in an abusive relationship, please tread carefully, this is an unusual man.

I want to add something to my earlier post:

The reason you went straight back into dating (even while telling yourself that you "weren't really looking") is that you are avoiding having to deal with the underlying issues yourself.

It's so much harder to do this - to look back and see why and how you're here and you have made the choices you've made - than it is to try and find the solution in another relationship.

Of course, because you haven't dealt with the underlying issue, you then continue to choose men who are unsuitable for you ... and you'll continue to do so until you stop, and put in the hard graft of getting to grips with your own psychology. Which is shit while it happens, of course, but it is also ultimately life-changing and enriching.

This one is broken
Put it back in the dating pool box and find a new one

A 46yr old virgin? Hell to the no! Dump?

I don't know why I don't believe I deserve better. He's lovely and we get on well, we have things in common and we like each other. The sex thing, I don't mind about., but I worry that he'll get bored quickly - it's more exciting to be infatuated with someone at a distance, isn't it?

Ugh. I need to end it. I don't particularly want to, but it'll hurt less now than later down the line.

The being a virgin at 46 in itself would stop me in my tracks.

Thinking infatuation was love is incredibly immature.

Plus the speed at which he is pushing this along .

You're 36, not 16. Give yourself more time alone to get some perspective on your previous relationship and what you might look for in a man in future.

He was the only one you spoke to on the app? That's not a good thing. Date loads if you want, but don't rush into something 'serious'.

MN fascinates me sometimes. A 14 gets pregnant “No shame, hun!” “Keep your nose out of your daughter’s sex life!”....a 46 year old man is still a virgin and the shaming and nastiness is shocking.

@Coffeeandbananas

I don't know why I don't believe I deserve better. He's lovely and we get on well, we have things in common and we like each other. The sex thing, I don't mind about., but I worry that he'll get bored quickly - it's more exciting to be infatuated with someone at a distance, isn't it?

Ugh. I need to end it. I don't particularly want to, but it'll hurt less now than later down the line.

"I don't know why I don't believe I deserve better"

It's so good you're asking this. And I think it's really important you find someone to talk with to answer it before you hook up with anyone else.

I'm as concerned by your feelings and thoughts, as I am of him. I say this with respect to you OP but you're fresh out of an abusive relationship and he's the first and only man that you have spoken to on a dating app. You are looking for 'I love yous' and jealous about his feelings for someone he didn't have a relationship with. My first reaction, as with PP, is that he sounds like he became obsessed with a lot younger colleague. That in itself is a red flag and you should hear the alarm bells ringing like a siren, not questioning yourself. Also the fact that he's got to 46 yet remains a virgin

I'd walk away from him tbh, there's too much ikk and oddity for me. The red flags are flying

@MadameButterface

you're just out of an abusive relationship and straight into a thing where he pushed you for more than you wanted to give, you felt 'swept away' and now something about how he's being with you is jangling your alarm bells.

you are not ready to date, bin him off and do the freedom programme online.

Yes. This.

You aren't ready to be in a relationship because you're not yet able to identify warning signs or toxic relationship patterns.

If you were ready to date, you would have binned him off already and wouldn't be asking if you're the problem.

Bin him. Freedom Programme.

I'm in a similar position op in that I am comfortable with someone now and he treats me good. But there are red flags and I know I'm going to have to walk away.

It's hard to want to walk away from someone whos' company you enjoy. Part of me just wants to enjoy it until it's not good at all anymore and then walk away. But I know that then it'll be way harder to do.

The way I look at it is that both our men have too much baggage - There's no way there will be a happy ending. And it might be best to rip the plaster off for a little pain now, whilst we can still bounce back, before we get sucked under.

I think I need to be kinder to myself. After our first date (where he talked about work girl for a good part of it) I decided I didn't want to see him again. I left it for a day or so as I was trying to think of how to let him down and then at that point we started chatting again.. and things just went from there.

I think I'm answering my own questions.

I'm also scared to be alone. I lived with my ex partner for some time, and since we split I've been living alone. It's been difficult to adapt. I'm also sick of this pandemic.

Living alone is far better than wasting your life on this car crash of a man. Please raise your standards, op. Nothing about this relationship is normal or healthy. You need a partner, not a project.

Do you know why he is still is a virgin at 46? Is it religious? If not, I'd be worried it shows a fear of physical intimacy especially as he still finds it nerve wracking. Do you really want to coach a middle aged man through sex and relationships - am assuming he doesn't want kids, as if he did, he will have to have sex to do this?

The being in love with the other women, I'd ignore: that was an obsession, not real love. But he will take a while to figure out if he's in love as he's never experienced it in a relationship.

However, I see so many red flags here. As lovely as he may be, can you really see a future with this man? What would it look like? You're still young and shouldn't be wasting good years on unfulfilling relationships that won't give you what you want.

@Toilenstripes

MN fascinates me sometimes. A 14 gets pregnant “No shame, hun!” “Keep your nose out of your daughter’s sex life!”....a 46 year old man is still a virgin and the shaming and nastiness is shocking.

I'd love to see the threads that you are talking about.

A man who has previously had girlfriend's and is actively dating on a dating app but has never had sex in his 46 years is odd.

What teaandhobnob said. It’s all too soon. He pressured you. It sounds like you have some unresolved issues. Why the hell would anyone tell you they’d been obsessed with someone else. It makes no sense except to try to make you feel shit about yourself. Which has worked. He’s a dick.

@BibbityBobbety he isn't a virgin for religious reasons, he's always had confidence issues. I don't need to coach him, he seems to know what he's doing (without being too TMI) but we haven't had actual sex yet and probably won't be doing so for a while.. I'm not sure it would feel particularly good for him, as I imagine he's so used to how his hand feels now.
I don't mind, as like I said we are able to do other things - I just don't want to get hurt.

Should I talk to him or just end it?

"am assuming he doesn't want kids, as if he did, he will have to have sex to do this?"

• neither of us have or want kids. (probably a good thing).

Just end it.