How can I expect him to love me after 5 minutes..?

[Coffeeandbananas]

I wondered if I could get some advice.
Me and bf have been 'together' for 3 months. We're exclusive, and we met on a dating app.

When I met him I had only recently come out of an abusive relationship. I joined the dating app for a look around and didn't really intend on chatting to anyone. Boyfriend was the first and only guy on there I ended up speaking to. At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend' and I'm happy how things have turned out.

I suppose the issue is with me and my self esteem but I'm not sure. We were chatting about a month ago and he asked me if I'd ever been in love - I said yes a couple of times. I asked him if he had and he told me how many times and who with. He's mentioned a girl he worked with who has since left his place, quite a few times .. it turns out it was a crush and she wasn't interested but he became obsessive (he admits to this) and told me he fell in love with her after 5 months of knowing her. They never had a relationship or fling, never spent time together - she ignored him at work after she found out he had feelings for her.

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend. There is a slight other issue and that's with sex - we haven't had penetrative sex as yet as he finds it nerve wracking which I totally understand and don't mind at this point - we are intimate in other ways and spend every weekend together

My gripe is, I feel like I'm falling for him and I told him this, he says it's too soon to tell me he loves me ., and he doesn't feel comfortable yet but definitely feels he will get to that stage in the future.

Am I wrong to feel jealous and weird about previous girl - not just the age gap, but how can he fall in love with someone he didn't even know, wasn't intimate with and didn't spend time with. Maybe I am being jealous but I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like I'm possibly being used (for 'sex' primarily) as how can he have loved her and not the one he's been so intimate with? Especially since it's his first experience of intimacy.

I'm not sure whether to end things - I don't want to lose him, but can't get this stupid thing out of my head. I've brought it up once (not in the way I've posted on here) and he reassured me that she is in the past. I know she is, but it's not quite what I'm getting at.

Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Sorry for rambling

@Itstimetoquit I don't want to let him go, I feel sad. But I have to as it just isn't going to work.

@RichardMarxisinnocent

Being a virgin at a late age ALWAYS would come coupled with issues I wouldn't want to be dealing with. That includes being shy, quiet, deep rooted insecurities, lack of confidence.
Posters are not being nasty if they'd prefer a man without some of the issues that the virginity is a red flag for (or the visible tip of the iceberg ).

Each pot has it's lid - glad you found yours!

OP he sounds like a fantasist and I think you ultimately know what's right for you in the long run, now you just need to do it.

A Virgin at 46?
Can't perform!
Obsessive.
Fixated on his ex obsession.
Love bombing you.
Pressuring you too soon.

Red flags everywhere.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

@AfterSchoolWorry

A Virgin at 46? Can't perform! Obsessive. Fixated on his ex obsession. Love bombing you. Pressuring you too soon.

Red flags everywhere.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Exactly. One thing on its own is possibly workable, this is just a huge “nope get out of there”.

[quote willsa]@RichardMarxisinnocent

Being a virgin at a late age ALWAYS would come coupled with issues I wouldn't want to be dealing with. That includes being shy, quiet, deep rooted insecurities, lack of confidence.
Posters are not being nasty if they'd prefer a man without some of the issues that the virginity is a red flag for (or the visible tip of the iceberg ).

Each pot has it's lid - glad you found yours![/quote]
Being shy and quiet aren't issues they're just someone's personality. Fair enough if you personally wouldn't want a relationship with someone who is shy, but it isn't an "issue to be dealt with (and plenty of non late in life virgins are shy too). And I don't think you can generalise and say being an older virgin always comes with issues. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, I think it depends on the person and what other aspects of their life are like. I wasn't very confident as a teenager and in my early 20s, but almost 30 years of running my life alone and having to be very independent solved that. I don't have deep rooted insecurities, I do have some wonderful friends who love me, a decent job with good colleagues and my own home.

Honestly OP I agree with everyone saying this man is not a good bet for your future.

I can't believe a man of 46 really believes he loved someone who he never had anything with and who avoided him once she found out he liked her. This is weird and creepy.

He sounds like he can only fall in love with the idealised fantasy of the perfect yet unavailable woman - not the real 'imperfect' woman standing in front of him.

Never mind the virgin at 46 aspect. Why on earth don't you mind about this? Why are you being so understanding?

I messaged him and told him what was on my mind, he's replied and told me he loves me (convenient) but that he no longer wants to discuss past romantic interests.
why am I flogging this dead horse? I do really like him, I'm questioning my own insecurities, maybe that's what it's down to? My low self esteem.

Either way I've told him I won't be seeing him this weekend.

Things should not be this hard! You're only 3 months (12 weeks) into a relationship - it's nothing. Why are you tying yourself up in knots over a man who has so much baggage?

Pull up your big girl pants and send this one on his way. You need something much more fun and uncomplicated.

OP, that’s the old unfulfilled love scenario. You can’t compete with that. Move on.

Have you considered the possibility of him being asexual? If he has never had any desire to have sex with anyone that’s a possibility. Does he instigate any intimacy with you when you are together?
(NB. being ‘in love’ with work girl isn’t proof of heterosexuality - asexuals can experience romantic attraction without sexual desire.)
Just throwing it out as a counter to all the virgin bashing as I clearly don’t have enough information to judge if he is or not. You might have enough clues to rule it out for yourself though.

@TigerDragonMonkey we do have sex, just not 'penetrative' sorry TMI 😖😖

OP, that’s the old unfulfilled love scenario. You can’t compete with that. Move on.

I agree.

Convenient he now doesn't want to talk about it when he's the one who brought it up in the first place! You wouldn't know about it otherwise!

Well, that escalated 🙄 I told him I think he's a creep and he replied that he still wants to see me.
Just had a terrible day in general, I'm disappointed in myself.

I still think he’s hiding his true sexuality.

You don’t have to answer if he’s given you oral or not but if not I’d definitely be thinking beard.

@CodMouth sorry, what?

@CodMouth are you going to explain what you are getting at, or not??

A beard is a gay man who has a limited relationship with a woman to hide his true sexuality.

Actually he’s not the beard but he’s using a woman as a beard, a cover.

There are just too many red flags here OP.

I’d finish it off, explaining its not a good time for a relationship for you, and then I’d take a look at the freedom programme

Op I have to chime in with my agreement that you've probably made the right choice. Nobody should feel ashamed at being a virgin at whatever age they are, of course, but nonetheless it is still quite unusual and paired with the obsession with his co-worker, I think you've dodged a bit of a bullet. Try not to be too hard on yourself

Still a virgin at his age? That is absolutely not normal. Run a mile.

Where to start. You don’t get to decide if his experience of love was legitimate or not and secondly you should have taken the time to work on yourself after your abusive relationship.

A 46 year old virgin who is scared of sex sounds like hard work and I think you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak. I suspect there are a whole host of reasons why you are attracted to this guy and some of them are probably unhealthy and can probably attributed to your abusive relationship.

richard he isn’t you though. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at a late age in itself. But it CAN be indicative of some issues that the OP might not want to be a part of.

And, it turns out that yes, there are other issues that build a worrying picture. No one is obligated to continue a relationship. No one. There is also a risk that if the OP is just out of an abusive relationship, she isn’t going to be the best match for this chap, even if he is just an innocent fixer upper.

We are not rehabilitation centres for damaged men