How can I expect him to love me after 5 minutes..?

[Coffeeandbananas]

I wondered if I could get some advice.
Me and bf have been 'together' for 3 months. We're exclusive, and we met on a dating app.

When I met him I had only recently come out of an abusive relationship. I joined the dating app for a look around and didn't really intend on chatting to anyone. Boyfriend was the first and only guy on there I ended up speaking to. At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend' and I'm happy how things have turned out.

I suppose the issue is with me and my self esteem but I'm not sure. We were chatting about a month ago and he asked me if I'd ever been in love - I said yes a couple of times. I asked him if he had and he told me how many times and who with. He's mentioned a girl he worked with who has since left his place, quite a few times .. it turns out it was a crush and she wasn't interested but he became obsessive (he admits to this) and told me he fell in love with her after 5 months of knowing her. They never had a relationship or fling, never spent time together - she ignored him at work after she found out he had feelings for her.

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend. There is a slight other issue and that's with sex - we haven't had penetrative sex as yet as he finds it nerve wracking which I totally understand and don't mind at this point - we are intimate in other ways and spend every weekend together

My gripe is, I feel like I'm falling for him and I told him this, he says it's too soon to tell me he loves me ., and he doesn't feel comfortable yet but definitely feels he will get to that stage in the future.

Am I wrong to feel jealous and weird about previous girl - not just the age gap, but how can he fall in love with someone he didn't even know, wasn't intimate with and didn't spend time with. Maybe I am being jealous but I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like I'm possibly being used (for 'sex' primarily) as how can he have loved her and not the one he's been so intimate with? Especially since it's his first experience of intimacy.

I'm not sure whether to end things - I don't want to lose him, but can't get this stupid thing out of my head. I've brought it up once (not in the way I've posted on here) and he reassured me that she is in the past. I know she is, but it's not quite what I'm getting at.

Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Sorry for rambling

Talking about a girl he got obsessed with at work on a first date - op where are your boundaries? Come ON

... and no digital footprint, despite being on a dating app? He could have been in prison, you know nothing about this man. I’m not going to slate him for being a virgin (tho i find it v difficult to believe sorry) or living with his dad because it takes all sorts, but come on op there are red flags all over the place here, find your bollocks and bin him.

I agree with many other pps. This does not bode well at all! The obsession with the 24 year old is very creepy. She clearly didn't reciprocate and good on her.

I can understand why some people don't settle down until their 40s or find the right person later on in life, but for a 46 year old to be a virgin??

Either way, none of this sounds very good.

"Said girl is 24 and he is 46"
Get the heck out of there for this alone! Was Infatuated and obsessed with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Sick.

Red flags all over.

He sounds very immature for his age, pressuring you into being his gf or you getting swept up sends off alarm bells for in terms of you be able to set boundaries. I think some time alone building your self esteem would be better for you long term. Goodluck xx

@Toilenstripes

MN fascinates me sometimes. A 14 gets pregnant “No shame, hun!” “Keep your nose out of your daughter’s sex life!”....a 46 year old man is still a virgin and the shaming and nastiness is shocking.

Completely agree about the shaming and nastiness. As someone who was a 40 something female virgin I wasn't weird or odd, there wasn't anything deep rooted wrong with me, I didn't have issues that needed dealing with. I was just an incredibly shy teenager, hadn't had any interest from boys at school so continued to be shy around men as I got older, and nobody ever showed any interest in dating me. I guess I'm just not overly attractive and my shyness perhaps put men off a bit. I am perfectly capable of being in a romantic relationship, of compromise and considering others ‐ you learn that sort of thing from other types of relationship.

I hate how so many on this thread are declaring him being a virgin a massive red flag, without having a clue how he ended up a 46 year old virgin. Yes perhaps he does have issues of some sort, but on the other hand maybe he is just shy and lacking in confidence.

Could you be his beard?

All of that said, the obsession with the 24 year old does sound concerning. A crush is one thing, but to actually tell you on a first date that he was obsessed with her and in love with her despite not knowing her would make me pretty wary.

@RichardMarxisinnocent

All of that said, the obsession with the 24 year old does sound concerning. A crush is one thing, but to actually tell you on a first date that he was obsessed with her and in love with her despite not knowing her would make me pretty wary.

^^ this I would be wary. Nothing wrong with him being a virgin though, but sounds like he’s a virgin because of something other than saving himself for marriage etc.

Creepy McCreeperston. I agree that you need to run in the opposite direction. He sounds like he's stuck in adolescence - do you really want to be dating a man who lives at home in his 40s? Who's never had a relationship? Who lusts after young women?
And yes yes to the freedom programme.
You are worth so, so much more

Talking a lot about someone he was “in love”/obsessed with but not wanting to say it to you, but he will be ready at some point, is classic abusive man territory - he’s doing this to make you feel not good enough and want to please him, and it’s working.

He told you he was obsessive. Imo that’s testing the water to see what you’ll put up with.

He latched onto you and pressured you when you were just out of an abusive relationship. Men like this can sniff out women who have weak boundaries or low self-esteem or are feeling vulnerable.

Being a virgin isn’t necessarily a bad thing but along with everything else it’s a potentially worrying sign. Either he’s not managed to get far with relationships for some reason, or it’s just another way of reeling you in and may not be true.

Please please get rid. You owe him nothing. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it - you barely know him. You should ideally take a break from relationships anyway after your bad experience, but this guy is dodgy mcdodgeface and an absolutely terrible prospect.

I feel so shit and lonely. I've drafted a brief message that I'll send later, reading it back I sound quite angry but hey, I think I'm angry with myself though, not him. I need to stop making this a big deal!

I'd just go with 'I've been thinking about things and I've decided this isn't for me'. Bland is the way to go, less potential drama

It’s ok to feel angry. You haven’t done anything wrong. although I would avoid any kind of angry exchanges or scenes with him - better to keep calm and detached. You don’t need to give him reasons if you want to end it or get sucked into any arguments.

Where to start with this....???

He became obsessed with a girl 20 years younger than him at work who completely shunned him??? And he calls it love?????

He is a 46 yo virgin - nothing wrong with the concept, except for the fact that a married woman broke his heart 15 years whom he never has sex with. That is some distorted shit right there .

He pushed for you be his gf despite your hesitance. Just nope.

He talked about his weird obsessive crush on a date with you, which does not paint him in a good AT ALL.

You are now questioning after a couple why he doesn't love you. Ask yourself, do you really want this mans love? I think you'd spend 90% of your time trying to fix his issues and then questioning yourself over the slightest of things. It will erode your self-confidence.

Dump this weirdo and work on bettering yourself - you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

Couple of months*

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

Please don't normalise the alarm bells. They are ringing for a reason.

Yes alarm bells are good - that is your self-preservation system, listen to it.

Him saying it was love when she ignored him is very odd! He was clearly infatuated with her not love at all. But maybe he just doesn't know what love is yet if he hasn't experienced a relationship and he is getting this feelings mixed up.

A 46 year old virgin who thinks he was 'in love' with a 24 year old who had to avoid him at work as he made her so uncomfortable and can't sleep with his current partner?

What a prize. Sounds like a creep with major issues tbh.

Just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. Things feel a lot clearer today. I'm going to avoid speaking to him for a few days and if he asks why I'll just let him know that I need some time to myself.

I must be kinder to myself.

@Chatterpie

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend.

Nope. Chuck him back in.

Excellent advise

How are you x

Excellent advise
My DP was my first boyfriend and I was a virgin when we got together, I'm bloody glad nobody he knew was closed minded enough to tell him to chuck me back. I'm not a fucking fish, I'm a human being, with feelings.

@RichardMarxisinnocent I disagree with the opinions on this thread about chucking him back due to his virginity- this isn't the issue I'm having. I don't care at all that he's a virgin.