How can I expect him to love me after 5 minutes..?

[Coffeeandbananas]

I wondered if I could get some advice.
Me and bf have been 'together' for 3 months. We're exclusive, and we met on a dating app.

When I met him I had only recently come out of an abusive relationship. I joined the dating app for a look around and didn't really intend on chatting to anyone. Boyfriend was the first and only guy on there I ended up speaking to. At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend' and I'm happy how things have turned out.

I suppose the issue is with me and my self esteem but I'm not sure. We were chatting about a month ago and he asked me if I'd ever been in love - I said yes a couple of times. I asked him if he had and he told me how many times and who with. He's mentioned a girl he worked with who has since left his place, quite a few times .. it turns out it was a crush and she wasn't interested but he became obsessive (he admits to this) and told me he fell in love with her after 5 months of knowing her. They never had a relationship or fling, never spent time together - she ignored him at work after she found out he had feelings for her.

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend. There is a slight other issue and that's with sex - we haven't had penetrative sex as yet as he finds it nerve wracking which I totally understand and don't mind at this point - we are intimate in other ways and spend every weekend together

My gripe is, I feel like I'm falling for him and I told him this, he says it's too soon to tell me he loves me ., and he doesn't feel comfortable yet but definitely feels he will get to that stage in the future.

Am I wrong to feel jealous and weird about previous girl - not just the age gap, but how can he fall in love with someone he didn't even know, wasn't intimate with and didn't spend time with. Maybe I am being jealous but I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like I'm possibly being used (for 'sex' primarily) as how can he have loved her and not the one he's been so intimate with? Especially since it's his first experience of intimacy.

I'm not sure whether to end things - I don't want to lose him, but can't get this stupid thing out of my head. I've brought it up once (not in the way I've posted on here) and he reassured me that she is in the past. I know she is, but it's not quite what I'm getting at.

Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Sorry for rambling

How are you today op x

@Itstimetoquit I'm ok, thanks.

We had a chat last night and I feel a bit better, as the previous poster said, it's right that I don't get to decide whether his experience of love was legitimate or not. If I want to carry on seeing him I'm going to have to put things to the back of my mind. Obviously I don't have to continue to see him. We have probably got off on the wrong foot now anyway, and I'm unsure as to whether his true colours are beginning to show - I told him that I was sorry for what I said (about suggesting him being in love with a 24 year old was creepy) and that I needed some space at least, as I felt a bit drained and I'd had a difficult week at work, he told me that my reasons were "appalling" and that he still wants to see me tomorrow as planned.

I was a bit gobsmacked in a way, and haven't replied yet - it's difficult to know how he was coming across over what's app, though - he probably didn't mean it in a nasty way. I don't know. 😖

I'm not sure why my immediate reactions are that of anger, and I definitely need to address this.

So you told him you need some space and he said no? Anger is the right response to that. Or have I misunderstood?

OP it's all about him really isn't it...his needs, his insecurities, his obsessions, his past, his problems...

Where are your needs in all of this? being ignored from the sounds of it, whenever you voice your concerns he just shuts you down.

You are not his support human, or his therapist. It shouldn't be this hard, it really shouldn't. He will never be able to fulfil your emotional needs because he is too focused on his own.

Please step back and focus on yourself for a while - being along may not be easy, but it's so important to be ok with being single and not afraid of it, if only so you don't end up putting up with the crumbs of attention from emotionally inadequate men.

Also, you said that you are not having sex but doing other sexual acts - is that basically you giving him pleasure? does he reciprocate?

This whole thing sounds incredibly one sided...

So just to get this clear:

• he lives with his dad
• he had some kind of relationship 15 years ago but then nothing til quite recently (?) when he became infatuated with a much younger colleague who thought he was creepy
• no social media presence
• but he’s on a dating app
• claims to be a virgin

He’s been inside OP, I’d bet on it. Probably for quite a long time. What job does he do? Is it something involving any kind of responsibility or CV checks?!

I feel like he might do a bad murder on you

Sorry let me get this right, is this what's happened?

• You asked for space rather than meeting tomorrow and gave him your reasons

• He said your reasons were "appalling" so he still expects to meet you tomorrow

Is that right?

OP... with all due respect - fuck him off! The guy is surprisingly rude and disrespectful about your boundaries for someone who makes out he's one of the good guys isn't he?

How many more red flags do you need?

He made another, much younger, woman so uncomfortable in their workplace that it freaked her out.

He said he was in love with her. She was creeped out by him. They did not have a romantic connection at all, he was fixated on a much younger woman who found him creepy not attractive. He said he was obsessive about her. That poor girl a man 20 years her senior making her so uncomfortable. Ugh.

Cynics like me would suggest that by telling you (someone freshly out of an abusive relationship) about that and seeing you didn't run a mile, he's pretty confident you'll take whatever shit he throws / ego stroking he'll want because your boundaries are still incredible unhealthy.

You need to have time alone to heal from your past relationship before considering dating him or anyone else.

You are so very vulnerable to another abusive relationship at the moment.

Have you stuck to your guns about space and not meeting tomorrow? He can't dictate terms!

So many red flags here. Run.

Yes leave him! You need some space after a bad relationship. I dont think he is right for you at all.

Morning @Coffeeandbananas, anger is absolutely the right response here!

You rightly told him you don't want to see him today. His opinions on your reasons for that count for jackshit! He really doesn't get to decide they are "appalling" or justifiable or whatever. This is your decision, for you, and nothing to do with him. The fact he's trying to overrule your decision on this is yet another big billowing red flag. (They are entirely justifiable, btw, he is showing his true colours as a controlling arsehole).

It's good that his response makes you angry, you are rightly fighting for yourself. Turn your phone off, or block him, and busy yourself with someone or something else today.

I think @Misandrylovescompany makes valid points and you need to quietly but very firmly cut all ties with this man.

Oh OP, please don't ignore all the red flags. He has manipulated you. He told you what you wanted to hear when he thought you might end it and then belittled you for asserting your need for space. This is unhealthy.

I don't care about the virgin thing, the fact that, at 46 years old, he can't see the difference between infatuation and love should tell you he is not capable of providing the kind of stability you need after such a toxic previous relationship.

When we feel broken we can be drawn to others who are also broken. That is a recipe for disaster in your case. You are storing up misery for later for the sake of some company now. You need to value yourself so much more than this.

Please OP, I can see the course of your comments through this thread and it is classic behaviour:
questioning ( because you know things aren't right),
the impetus to take action when your fears are echoed by the community, tentative action,
total turnaround in tone after the partner in question slaps you down.

Stop the cycle, OP. Please.

Your anger is your instinctive reaction. I'd listen to it.
You said up thread that you need to be kinder to yourself and you're absolutely right.
The bloke sounds like a creep. You don't deserve a creep.

You need to have some standards as there are numerous red flags with this man and you don’t need that after your last relationship, no one needs it. He’s way too intense.

Echoing all PPs about the red flags.

I cant get over the fact you told him you thought he was a creep and he STILL wants to keep things going.

Who would want to continue with someone who thought they were a creep lol. A creep.

He didn't know her! He filled his head with idealism, that was infatuation. To me he seems to not be able to read emotion and coupled with a fear of sex I think he definitely has signs of being on the spectrum. He sounds like an awful lot of hard work- good luck with this one

Sorry just read the thread properly! He spoke about his ex love on the first date!!!! That is such a unfeeling thing to do! He told you he loved you to keep you rather than because he meant it. He is way out of his depth he has no clue how to behave in a relationship.

Run for the hills!!

@Aquamarine1029

I'll be honest, I find it very alarming that you don't seem to appreciate the veritable sea of red flags that surround this man. Until you get yourself sorted, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be involved with anyone, and especially not with a 46 year old virgin with sexual dysfunction and no clue about healthy relationships.

Where doe's he live 10 Rillington Place.

The whole thing gives me shudders, to be honest.