How can I expect him to love me after 5 minutes..?

[Coffeeandbananas]

I wondered if I could get some advice.
Me and bf have been 'together' for 3 months. We're exclusive, and we met on a dating app.

When I met him I had only recently come out of an abusive relationship. I joined the dating app for a look around and didn't really intend on chatting to anyone. Boyfriend was the first and only guy on there I ended up speaking to. At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend' and I'm happy how things have turned out.

I suppose the issue is with me and my self esteem but I'm not sure. We were chatting about a month ago and he asked me if I'd ever been in love - I said yes a couple of times. I asked him if he had and he told me how many times and who with. He's mentioned a girl he worked with who has since left his place, quite a few times .. it turns out it was a crush and she wasn't interested but he became obsessive (he admits to this) and told me he fell in love with her after 5 months of knowing her. They never had a relationship or fling, never spent time together - she ignored him at work after she found out he had feelings for her.

Said girl is 24 and he is 46 (I'm 36) this would normally set alarm bells off. It has, but I'm ok with it as it seems to have been a one off.

For context he's a virgin and I'm his first girlfriend. There is a slight other issue and that's with sex - we haven't had penetrative sex as yet as he finds it nerve wracking which I totally understand and don't mind at this point - we are intimate in other ways and spend every weekend together

My gripe is, I feel like I'm falling for him and I told him this, he says it's too soon to tell me he loves me ., and he doesn't feel comfortable yet but definitely feels he will get to that stage in the future.

Am I wrong to feel jealous and weird about previous girl - not just the age gap, but how can he fall in love with someone he didn't even know, wasn't intimate with and didn't spend time with. Maybe I am being jealous but I'm not sure how to stop it. I feel like I'm possibly being used (for 'sex' primarily) as how can he have loved her and not the one he's been so intimate with? Especially since it's his first experience of intimacy.

I'm not sure whether to end things - I don't want to lose him, but can't get this stupid thing out of my head. I've brought it up once (not in the way I've posted on here) and he reassured me that she is in the past. I know she is, but it's not quite what I'm getting at.

Do I sound like a bunny boiler? Sorry for rambling

He has issues! He didn’t fall in love with the other woman, he loved who he thought she was. I imagine if you asked her she would say she found him creepy.

You definitely need to be kinder to yourself.

And you are much much better living alone than leaping into being tied to a man like this. Lockdown single life is tough but a good opportunity to work on yourself.

There's nothing to talk about. Just end it and do the Freedom Programme, asap.

Just end it. Tell him you need time alone if you feel you need a reason (you don't need a reason).

Talking isn't going to fix any of this, there's really no point.

So many red flags, Op. One of those things alone is weird/unusual (first relationship and virgin at 46? Really?), constant talking about a colleague he was obsessed with. Love bombing you to make you fall hard.
You’re 3 months in. Run.

Have you googled his name and town?
I might even be tempted to request a Claire’s Law on him, honestly. A great way to hide your past is to claim you don’t have one. At best he comes across as creepy and weird.

Just end it.

Like you say, you need to treat yourself better so start doing that by ending this relationship. No negotiation, over.

I know it's painful healing from abuse and adjusting but if you never give yourself the time and space to heal/adjust, you never will heal and it will continue to mess your life up and cause you heartache.

@Aquamarine1029

There's nothing to talk about. Just end it and do the Freedom Programme, asap.

Yes.

You really need to take some time to yourself. I know from experience it takes time to get over an abusive relationship. For me it was two years before I felt ready to date far less date a guy who

1. Is 10 yrs older
2. Is a virgin
3. Sounds VERY stunted socially by what he thinks is acceptable chat to a date.

How do you even know he's a virgin??
Folk say all sorts of shite to get attention.

OP, I meant coaching through his intimacy issues and how to be in a relationship - this won't just be confined to the bedroom. It will affect many elements of your life together. A middle aged man who's lacked confidence his whole life, and has only just gotten into a relationship has never had to think about anyone or compromise in any way - it's a completely new way of being for him.

There's nothing to really discuss with him. What he felt for her is irrelevant, it was an infatuation, and doesn't compare to a real relationship with all its warts and flaws. The fact he thinks he could get there eventually is a good sign - but the reality is, if he's never been in a relationship he might not even recognise love or be able to identify feelings. And if you stay with him, you will have to be patient while he figures his own feelings and issues out. He is likely to take a lot longer than most in identifying love v infatuation v attraction etc.

46 and still a virgin???

46 and falling "in love" with a woman half his age???

46 and falling "in love" with someone he NEVER dated???

46 and still talking about this crush like he's 16???

RED FLAGS all over the place! I'd run hard and fast from this dude.

I feel like a complete idiot for letting myself get in this ridiculous situation.

I'm also angry, at him - for some reason. I want him to reassure me and help me feel better but like people have said, it really shouldn't be like this at this stage.

46 and a virgin - that's weird. Run, fast

He's never been in love. He doesn't realise that. One day he'll be in love and realise that is the first time he's been in love.

He's told all his friends and colleagues that I'm his girlfriend. I haven't told anyone I know about him yet 😖 .. I suppose that's his problem, though.

No need to feel like an idiot.

You made a mistake, you're about to rectify it, and you are going to learn from it.

We all make mistakes, what counts is what we do next.

Ok, I don't usually do this but I'm going in - do you think he might be on the autism spectrum?

That aside, what is it you think you love about him really? Ok he's nice and pleasant to you but he also has some glaring issues. Agree he has no idea what love is, not a real intimate connection with a living breathing woman, not a fantasy object.

I don't think you'll find what you're looking for from this one.

"Ok, I don't usually do this but I'm going in - do you think he might be on the autism spectrum? " - No, I honestly don't think he is. He mentioned having his heart broken about 15 years ago, (someone who messed him around - she was married, they didn't have sex! 😖) then he settled into being long term single.

Sounds like a creeper! End it,I think he could turn out to be a bunny boiler!

@Emmelina

So many red flags, Op. One of those things alone is weird/unusual (first relationship and virgin at 46? Really?), constant talking about a colleague he was obsessed with. Love bombing you to make you fall hard. You’re 3 months in. Run.

Have you googled his name and town?
I might even be tempted to request a Claire’s Law on him, honestly. A great way to hide your past is to claim you don’t have one. At best he comes across as creepy and weird.

This.

There is something quite creepy and frankly a bit scary about the whole package of him.
Many of the pp's I'm sure are hearing alarm bells going off, quite concerning.

No, it just doesn't sit right.

I've googled him but found nothing. He's never really used 'technology' (only got a smart phone last year) and doesn't have a Facebook or Instagram account.

But you met him on a dating app.

Have you met any of his friends? His family? Have you been to his house/flat?

I haven't met his friends yet due to the lockdown, but they know about me. I usually go over to his house, but sometimes he comes over to me. We're bubbled, I live alone and he lives with his dad. (I know... 🙄) I don't mind, it's sweet as he helps him out around the house but will mean we may never be able to live together, another thing I'm unsure about.

Another red flag - someone broke his heart 15 years ago, yet he hadn’t even got to the stage of having sex? And this then put him off for another 15 years?

Before I had first had sex, I was infatuated with everyone and lusted after them. I went into each encounter totally heart over head. Then I learnt what constitutes a real relationship and that calmed down. For him to be 3 months in and not feeling like he’s in the honeymoon period, something has to be wrong - especially as this is still all new to him (so he says). Yet he sounds like he has come on far too strong with previous women! All very bizarre.

Although you’re happy with no sex, he doesn’t sound like someone who will light your fire. Are you prepared for a life of no passion? I think you’d look back in years to come and think you settled, just so you wasn’t lonely, but he isn’t the one!

It doesn't matter what comes up on Google, or who his friends are, or where he lives or whether you could live together. The encounter should have ended as soon as this happened:

At the time I felt as if I was getting swept away with it all, as I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pressed very hard for me to be his 'girlfriend'

I got up to 46 yo virgin and stopped reading... run OP... something deep rooted wrong with him it sounds.. sorry for being rude but my 1st image in my head reading this is the character out of the film 'one hour photo' creepy feels reading this