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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Disrespectful Db

129 replies

Brokenwife20 · 26/01/2021 21:16

Myself and my husband have been together for 14 years.
Throughout those years we have of course been through our ups and downs, mainly him cheating on me repeatedly and me giving an endless amount of second chances (yes I know).
The peak of his cheating has been in the last 4 years, put down to a variety of reasons (self diagnosed ptsd, depression,stress, and me not being or doing enough (his words)).
For the last 12 months both of us have been trying to make a better effort in repairing out relationship and things have been OK, literally just ok.
Obviously after all the cheating and other issues we've weathered my confidence has taken a massive nose dive, and I've been really struggling with my insecurities and mental health, I haven't kept this a secret he knew, although I was working on them myself (as he's not the best at being supportive to others mental health).
Two days ago I found that he had messaged a new friend he made recently (male), a very unflattering picture of me first thing in the morning at the breakfast table, with the caption "do you want to buy a dog". Without going into full detail the discussion between the two then turned to aspects of my body, in a derogatory violating way.
I'm now seriously considering my marriage again! But I wonder if I'm being too sensitive? He is arguing that it was a joke and wasn't meant to upset me, so I'm overreacting?
For me this level of disrespect is so low, he's allowed a stranger to believe its ok to speak about his wife in such a disgusting way because he was clearly ok with speaking about me like that!
I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I've tried to be as brief as possible but with enough background to give context.
I'm literally looking for reassurance for something I already know the answer to.
This is not! something I would ever consider but I happen to feel pretty lost atm, and don't actually know where to turn.

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 26/01/2021 21:19

Please for gods sake leave this utter piece of shit.

You know he’s 100% a prize cunt.

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 26/01/2021 21:22

Your mental health will always be awful if you stay with this horrible human being. It’s not you, it’s him. Leave him and regain your self respect. Choosing to move on will do wonders for your confidence.

Jesskir89 · 26/01/2021 21:25

Nope if my dh spoke about me like that to someone I didn't know I wouldn't take it as a joke. Sorry op hes a dick

percheron67 · 26/01/2021 21:28

Oh my word! What you do is your decision BUT I ask you to leave this man. The sort of thing you are describing is what I put up with for six years. It wasn't all at once, happened gradually and it wasn't until later I realised the full extent of it. Why I say leave is that it took me years to get over the mental wounds and I don't want it to happen to you. My thoughts are with you. If you want to pm me so that i can help in any way, please do get in touch.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 26/01/2021 21:28

I can't believe what I've just read. That's really awful and unacceptable. There is no reason in the world why I would ever be ok with that. The lack of respect is staggering, I wouldn't be so nasty to someone I disliked let alone someone I was meant to be in love with. I'm so sorry OP.

Ninkanink · 26/01/2021 21:31

@Cockenspiel

Please for gods sake leave this utter piece of shit.

You know he’s 100% a prize cunt.

What the hell?! No you’re not being sensitive; fgs don’t stay with this man!
Ninkanink · 26/01/2021 21:32

Don’t know where that quote came from, sorry!

seensome · 26/01/2021 21:34

He is disgusting piece of shit, no other word for him. Please get yourself out of this relationship, you are not being too sensitive in the slightest. Take control and protect yourself and any dc? Just go

sunnyzweibrucken · 26/01/2021 22:32

i'm very rarely speechless but after reading this i was. he has done so much damage to you that you think you are too sensitive. he called you a dog to someone else!!!! that is unacceptable. i would never, ever recover from this. i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with a man that treated me like your dh does you. get out for your own sanity and dignity.

PlinkPlink · 26/01/2021 22:38

It wasn't meant to upset you because you weren't meant to read it. Not because he didn't mean in a bad way...

He did mean it in a bad way.

He has literally shown you that he has no respect for you whatsoever.

I would never do that to my partner and he wouldn't do it to me. If he did, I could never forgive him.

Fucking awful OP. Ditch him. He doesn't give a shit about you.

MsTSwift · 26/01/2021 22:41

I’m not sure how you can get back from this tbh.

Yellowcakestand · 26/01/2021 22:43

Leave. You will be do much better off xx

BlueThistles · 26/01/2021 22:44

Why are you still there OP ? this man neither respects nor cherishes you ...

So why after everything... are you still there ? 😳

Onthedunes · 26/01/2021 22:55

op, so sorry about this abusive shite.

He has hurt you many times and does not care. Your mental health is suffering and how does he help? by insulting your very being.

He is a diabolical creature who needs...... god the list is endless what this man needs doing to him.

He is vile, please end this relationship, find someone else, be on your own but don't spend another minute in this dirtbags company.
Do not speak to him again.
Flowers

Bumpsadaisie · 26/01/2021 22:56

??? Good lord.

You know what to do. Do it!

nzborn · 26/01/2021 23:10

Leave him

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2021 23:16

You have known for a very, very long time what a reprehensible piece of shit your husband is, and yet you've stayed, and sadly you are now the maker of your own misery. How many times do you have to be betrayed until you end this absolute farce of a marriage? What's it going to take? Haven't you wasted enough time already?

category12 · 26/01/2021 23:24

Sorry OP, but you're right that the man has zero respect for you.

He has no affection for you either.

Your mental health would be much improved if you got rid of the cause of your loss of self-esteem, of the gaslighting, of the cognitive dissonance of living a lie. That cause being him.

He is emotionally abusing you with the gaslighting.

Inpeace · 26/01/2021 23:44

Would you ever ever do something like that about him?

No?

No, of course not. And it is not acceptable from him. There is NOTHING about you that makes his behaviour ok.

I know this for certain without even meeting you.

Gazelda · 26/01/2021 23:47

He's not actually trying , is he? He doesn't respect you at all. And an OK marriage isn't what you deserve.
Leave him. You've put up with more than enough. You can have a happy future without him.

Stillhurting786 · 26/01/2021 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eekay · 26/01/2021 23:54

Get rid of him asap.
He's vile.
I predict that your mental health will improve massively.

sunflowerdaysinmay · 26/01/2021 23:58

He is disgusting. You deserve so much more. If/when it's possible, get out and don't look back. Have you got any children with this man?

PanamaPattie · 27/01/2021 00:02

I thought you were talking about your DB - brother. Anywho - why are asking this question?

CherryBlossomTree7 · 27/01/2021 00:23

I actually felt a bit sick after reading the part about texting his friend. That is truly repulsive.

Please do what you know you need to do and leave him. Your husband, the one who is meant to love and respect you unconditionally. There is no way that he loves or respects you.

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