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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Disrespectful Db

129 replies

Brokenwife20 · 26/01/2021 21:16

Myself and my husband have been together for 14 years.
Throughout those years we have of course been through our ups and downs, mainly him cheating on me repeatedly and me giving an endless amount of second chances (yes I know).
The peak of his cheating has been in the last 4 years, put down to a variety of reasons (self diagnosed ptsd, depression,stress, and me not being or doing enough (his words)).
For the last 12 months both of us have been trying to make a better effort in repairing out relationship and things have been OK, literally just ok.
Obviously after all the cheating and other issues we've weathered my confidence has taken a massive nose dive, and I've been really struggling with my insecurities and mental health, I haven't kept this a secret he knew, although I was working on them myself (as he's not the best at being supportive to others mental health).
Two days ago I found that he had messaged a new friend he made recently (male), a very unflattering picture of me first thing in the morning at the breakfast table, with the caption "do you want to buy a dog". Without going into full detail the discussion between the two then turned to aspects of my body, in a derogatory violating way.
I'm now seriously considering my marriage again! But I wonder if I'm being too sensitive? He is arguing that it was a joke and wasn't meant to upset me, so I'm overreacting?
For me this level of disrespect is so low, he's allowed a stranger to believe its ok to speak about his wife in such a disgusting way because he was clearly ok with speaking about me like that!
I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I've tried to be as brief as possible but with enough background to give context.
I'm literally looking for reassurance for something I already know the answer to.
This is not! something I would ever consider but I happen to feel pretty lost atm, and don't actually know where to turn.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 27/01/2021 08:38

Too sensitive?? I don't think you're being sensitive enough!

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 27/01/2021 08:43

I would never speak to someone again who did that to me, no matter what my relationship with them. That would be the end permanently. Time to get angry now, cold angry.

Beautiful3 · 27/01/2021 08:45

I cannot believe what I've just read?! He is abusive and welcoming his friend to be abusive towards you too. That's horrible. Please leave this man.

Aimee1987 · 27/01/2021 08:49

That's is vile and disgusting please leave, he is abusive. Your mh will take a massive jump once that grade a asshole is out of your life.

Krampusnolongerbabysits · 27/01/2021 09:01

In all my years on this forum, I have never read anything so vile and heard about someone so disgusting, bar some accounts of extreme physical violence. Please, please summon whatever strength you have left and get rid of this garbage.

inappropriateraspberry · 27/01/2021 09:22

Why the hell have you stuck it out for so long? What do you get from this relationship, apart from being crapped on from a great height every day?
Get out now.

passthemustard · 27/01/2021 10:08

He has no respect for you. He doesn't love you. That is not how we treat people we care about. Ask him why he hasn't left you? Then throw him out.

merryhouse · 27/01/2021 10:31

What they all said.

Flowers
PussGirl · 27/01/2021 10:40

Being alone would be better than this - get yourself out - there are decent men out there.

Maves · 27/01/2021 11:15

Get out now! Wtaf at the dog comment but the cheating...he knows he can treat you like a twat cos he's getting away with it! You deserve better no one should have to put up with this shit.

Maves · 27/01/2021 11:15

Get out now! Wtaf at the dog comment but the cheating...he knows he can treat you like a twat cos he's getting away with it! You deserve better no one should have to put up with this shit.

Goingtogetflamed · 27/01/2021 11:20

Jesus Christ he’s horrific. Speak to women’s aid, speak to a friend. Please do not stay.

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2021 11:28

This is so far over the line op
It’s completely unacceptable
Leave him

tigerlily20 · 27/01/2021 11:31

I don't say this lightly, but please leave. He isn't even protective over you, he sent someone a message and photo about you and invited him to make horrible comments about his wife. He was probably saying the same things about you to the women he was shagging. Don't let him humiliate you, kick that mf out. Honestly, I'd have been behind bars by now if this happened to me, put yourself first op, it ain't going to get any better while he is hanging around your neck like a millstone. Let the streets have him, he's a prick.

MerlinsSaggyLeftTit · 27/01/2021 11:34

You are worth so much more than this. Leave.

YoniAndGuy · 27/01/2021 11:35

You're not going to get ANY different response to this.

You won't be happy until this disgusting slug is out of your life. And you're so ground down just by BEING with such a foul twat that you can't even see it. You've 'BOTH' been trying to repair your marriage? Really? What exactly have you done to him, let's hear it - have an opinion? Have the cheek to dislike being treated like shit?

Honestly, read and read these replies because this is what the world at large, what women from all situations see in your so-called husband. A fucking nasty loser that no self-respecting woman would give the time of day to.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

Leave him and have a much much happier life.

icelollycraving · 27/01/2021 11:47

Your husband is an absolute piece of shit. He didn’t expect you to read it. To encourage a friend to be disrespectful too is horrific.
Your life will always be a shadow of what it could be without him.

Geppili · 27/01/2021 13:10

Ffs leave this utter utter wanker.

PlinkPlink · 27/01/2021 15:29

@MerlinsSaggyLeftTit GrinGrinGrin off topic here but your username madame chuckle 😂😂😂

Swordfish1 · 27/01/2021 17:02

Are you ok, OP?
Please takes everyone's advice and leave this horrible, horrible excuse for a human being.
You are not being sensitive. He is repulsive.
I hope you're ok. Flowers

MerlinsSaggyLeftTit · 27/01/2021 17:03

@PlinkPlink Why thank you! Grin

Brokenwife20 · 27/01/2021 17:13

You all will never know how much your comments meant to me!
Im not an unintelligent person, and have been aware what has needed to be done for a while and I am aware it still needs to happen.
We do have children, but no his horribleness does not thankfully extend to them, they adore him and often turn to him more than me (we have 3 boys 2 high schoolers and 1 primary aged).
I could give a million reasons as to why I haven't left but, the truth is when you accept certain treatments for a long time, its hard to see that the best way is out. I have a trove of self loathing (all triggered by him) that prevents me from believing i can cope without him, or that I would be better without him. I would also feel very responsible for splitting my kids from their dad, it feels selfish in a sense.
Once again thankyou all for giving me a little bit of hope and care xx

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 27/01/2021 17:24

we have 3 boys 2 high schoolers and 1 primary aged

I would also feel very responsible for splitting my kids from their dad, it feels selfish in a sense.

You would be doing your boys (and any women they're involved with in the future) the biggest favour by leaving this arsewipe. They will grow up thinking that his behaviour towards you is ok - they will see the disrespect and contempt from him, and the lack of self-worth you have, and will emulate this in their own relationships.

Do the right thing by your sons and show them that when someone treats their loved one like shit, they don't get to have them around any more. It may be that his nastiness has already started to creep in - especially for the older ones - they will be subconsciously taking on the message that you can treat a woman like shit and she'll stay.

Please help them to be better men and break the pattern that will inevitably continue if you stay. Being a single mum is nothing to be ashamed of, there's plenty of us and most people have nothing but admiration for those doing a great job of raising our DCs to be polite and respectful adults. You don't stand a chance of doing that while this vile scumbag is mentally abusing you under your own roof.

WalterWalter · 27/01/2021 17:28

This is one of the worst things I have read on this forum. And I have been on here for over 10 years.

Have my first ever LTB.

Although, I know from experience, it’s just not that easy to go, is it? Please make a plan to leave and consider calling Women’s Aid. This is emotional abuse.

I will be thinking of you from the other side of the world. Please realise you are worth more than this.

Also, you will be putting your DCs first if you leave - it is not healthy for them to be in a home where one parent is treated with such unkindness.

WalterWalter · 27/01/2021 17:33

I agree with @MarkRuffaloCrumble.

Staying will have a terrible impact on your DCs. They will have a difficult time forming healthy relationships if they are in a home where this treatment of you is normalised.

Please leave. Or start making a plan to leave.

Post here for help if we can support you. Many of us out the other side and know what you are going through.

Flowers
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