Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I think its a different scenario if you've been clear. What someone chooses to make of that, outside of what you've said is kind of on them. I guess its up to them to decide if they're OK with that set up. Im a fan of the really clear comms these days. Egg on my face is better than time wasted

@Heartbeats0708
I've had different levels of FWB, some we messaged only to confirm date and time and I met once a week/fortnight others have been much more, I had an FWB for 14mths, we messaged all day every day and met twice a week. I cared about him a lot and he the same but neither of us wanted more but if you saw us you would have thought we were in a relationship.

If he has said he is happy as you are (no matter if you think his face says different - does it really or is he just an affectionate guy?) Then you can do no more.
You've been clear and whether he takes that in is up to him.

If he starts asking to move in or meet up when you have the kids then that is a whole new conversation.

@Heartbeats0708

I agree with @SortingItOut - you can take things at face value

I think it’s quite common to project all sorts of emotions and motivations and narratives onto others (especially if you’re an intelligent conscientious type) or interpret gestures in a certain way

(she/he did X so he must be in love with me and she/he’ll be broken if I leave him!).

I do think people on the dating scene are often more pragmatic than we might interpret?

Look at how fast we swap/update men on this thread. It’s the same for guys

I’ve definitely felt a few guys were REALLY into me, and were keen on a relationship

but if they’re attractive and have stuff to offer they generally meet someone attractive/new ASAP, if they want to ?

Interesting food for thought here thank you. He is affectionate but also vocal about his feelings for me which does make me a touch uncomfortable because I don't feel so strongly. My thoughts on his feelings are backed up by what he says, not just what he does, but I could be reading more into it.
I suppose I'm also pondering how happy I really am. At the moment, not at all, and sometimes arranging a meet contributes to that and feels like a hassle I could do without. I don't think that can be a good sign. But lockdown has a lot to answer for and I'm much more irritable than usual.

@Heartbeats0708
Is he saying he is in love with you or just that he likes and cares about you?

Its fine to have different feelings even if you are FWB but I'd be very wary if he's saying he loves you if you dont want a relationship with him.

It sounds like you've got lockdown fatigue☹

Were you just seeing him for 1 night this weekend? How did that go?

@Heartbeats0708 i think lockdown is making everyone feel a bit shit. I think you've been open and upfront and should just enjoy the good times you are having.

Thanks for the support. It went ok. Yes sorting that's more the differing levels I'm referring to. Definitely having lockdown fatigue!

Lockdown longing and ennui here @orzo15 !

My theme for the next month is putting my well-being and mental health first, working on goals that won’t be affected by lockdowns (end of this year ?)

and with dating literally holding ground with my irons and not having too high expectations!

Spoke to my iron MrC last night and he was nice and supportive as always

but all seems a bit glum and shit planning stuff really. He’s tired and should be back next week, so we talked about me just going to meet for a kiss as soon as he gets (plus maybe extra ) or we could schedule a longer meet for later. See how it feels.

@orzo15 can you pull back from the social group a bit?

One reason I like the apps is you avoid the social politics of trying to meet/flirt in small groups

. I’ve moved around a lot and had to start from scratch a few times and although I’ve had some good experiences with meeting groups they can often be a bit claustrophobic to be in!

@orzo15 whats stopping you and him getting together? Have you posted before, are you an ex pat? The story seems familiar.

All ok here, so yesterday texted Mr Yoga and he replied and it was ok but I suggested a call and although he said yes let's see how the day goes, his phone was off and then later he didn't reply to my text. I know he just didnt feel like chatting but couldnt say it. My friend said i pushed too much with asking to speak and should have just kept it light. I give up really and am not going to make contact again. It was good for me to hit that rock bottom point because it made me annoyed. I feel like he's so caught up with his flat and the ex and his autism that he can't be bothered with me. It will take a major shift now to get it back to what it was before and I doubt very much that will happen. Valentine's will be interesting as no card will be the death knell for me.

@Eesha you getting mad is not before time. Your patience is commendable but your needs are real too and not secondary despite his mental health challenges etc.
Your situation reminds me so much of my experience with Mr German. He too cried off contact with me because of stress and his mental capacity to cope with too much. I gave him space and did a gentle check in a couple of weeks later which he responded to but said still stressed I have not heard from him since- over 2.5 months! If he had been honest that he either didn’t want to pursue things or that he needed space I would have been fine but instead I was left thinking I did something wrong, and I still cringe about our last time together when I felt the deepest of connections I’ve felt in this whole dating thing,
now that I suspect that he didn’t feel it too.

Didn’t end up seeing mr TG this weekend.
I had the AF from hell and just wasn’t feeling it. I’m so feeling it now but of course not possible to see him now until who knows when 😬

Anyway, I’ll need therapy when I’m done with this dating lark 😂

@Mayzee That sounds tough about Mr German and similar. Yup, there's a part of me which is wondering is it something I've done, so I have kids and he doesn't, or did I say the wrong thing which set this in motion or is he just no longer into me? I'm pretty sure though that it really is something genuine and not about me but his actions of shutting me out say differently. I feel a fool because I told people how smitten I was with him, and had a huge smile on my face. What a silly fool I was.

A little life update for those who have been on the thread and following my story. I have decided to go no/low contact with my dad. There are a million and one reason but the crux of it is that I don't trust him or want him to be part of my life. He will get a father's Day and a birthday text/call but that's it. He doesn't get to know anything about my life. I have turned into an amazing woman without him being in my life or playing much of a role for the past 20+ years.
I know it's going to be a thing I have to navigate when I get back to dating but it can wait until then and I'm sure I will have a million and one questions to ask then.

@Eesha I can't believe your friend said you pushed him too much. You have been a model of restraint and patience. I think Mr Y has behaved really badly. Finding your anger sounds a good thing. You are a real person and your needs are as important as his.

@Dancerinthemoonlight hope you are ok. You sound so strong these days. It's lovely to hear.

Sorry to hear @Dancerinthemoonlight and @Eesha I think you’ve been amazing through this but yes you are also allowed to have feelings!!

Little update from me - MrLongWalks and I kissed. A lot. Nothing else because I said I didn’t want to jump from 2 months of not touching to everything in one go! He said it was the nature of walking that meant he hadn’t tried before ☺️

@Eesha I too am glad you've found your anger, it would have only taken seconds to send a message to say he wasnt feeling up to talking today.
I still think its good he has showed his true colours early on, imagine being 5 years down the road and he starts acting like this.

@Dancerinthemoonlight This is completely the right decision for you and I know you will have spent a long time thinking about this. I'm sorry its come to this but sometimes, no matter our age we have to make these decisions and if he doesn't bring many positives to your life what is the point.
Hope your job is going ok and you are not too bored.

@LongtimelurkerL Yay to kissing, thank god you got there in the end. Does this mean he likes you as well💕

@SortingItOut he likes me

@LongtimelurkerL Yay🥳 Lockdown dating is like old fashioned courtship from years ago, meeting up with not much chance of physical stuff and then a kiss when you can sneak one in.

I hope this works out, when are you next seeing him?

@LongtimelurkerL yay!!!!! Finally!!! I'm the first lockdown me and Mr B went from being very physical to evening phone calls. It was such a lovely thing and I think really helped develop our relationship. Some old fashioned courtship!

@LongtimelurkerL that's brilliant news! Really quite romantic and I'm thrilled for you.

Thanks @SortingItOut @Notcoolmum and @Eesha it is very exciting and quite romantic I agree! Seeing him Tuesday

@Notcoolmum @SortingItOut @LongtimelurkerL yes, you're all right. He does have form for instability like this ie hiding away. It's just I've lost my patience now. Like you say, it would have taken seconds to say he wasn't up for chatting but he couldn't do that. I need to keep that in mind.

Yay and whoop! @LongtimelurkerL

@Dancerinthemoonlight always good to hear from you!

I don’t think it’s really something you need to bring up lots in dating really - a lot of people have difficult relatives they are NC with or living in a different city from! You just mention it when you’re chatting and that’s it really -

being a bit cautious here but also don’t reveal too much vulnerability or past trauma to someone you don’t know that well

I mean someone you’re dating should be interested in your life but also there’s a lot of predators who like to target women without supportive social networks

“my dads a bit difficult we don’t speak much” is all I think you need to say!

@Eesha

Sounds like you’re in a good place. Keep focussing on your own lovely life and family and valuing your own mental and emotional health.

Overall, I’ve learned I need people in my life who are reliable and contribute to my wellbeing, life’s hard enough.

I mean I think I could handle a cool but unreliable/non-supportive boyfriend if I was from a great supportive family, worked in a sociable busy job, was very emotionally confident and not very sensitive - I’m not like that though!

@orzo15

Is it quite a small place you live? I do sometimes see some overlap in general friendship groups and dating but I try to avoid as much as possible!

In my 20’s I once dated someone who was part of a meet-up group I was in which was also a big social thing for me and.....it was tricky to say the least! I mean it was ok at the time but would stress me out a lot now