Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Catching up with the new First Dates over curry.... seems really surreal as I think they’re testing EVERYONE so it’s basically operating like a normal place.

Quite like the old neuroscientist he’s a bit “working the Chris witty sexy look”.

I don’t believe in “the One” and reckon I’d be happy to date around when I’m elderly - I think the site they use now is called Lumen or something?

@SleepyBunk i always giggle when I see the REALLY old ones on 1st Dates, like they literally are never giving up on love, even at 99 years old!! I do think it's real as I know someone who went on, slept with the guy then he ghosted her!

Ok no judgement but I texted Mr Yoga earlier, my 'check in' which I was meant to have decided not to send because I wanted him to come to me. I think I just had too much time on my hands, plus my ex was drunk and I was feeling sorry for myself. So I sent a nice checking in note.

Anyone tried Facebook dating? Just having a look...doesn't look great though 😕

@Eesha what will be will be - at the end of the day it’s your decision and your life to work through in your own time.

There clearly is a connection and real emotions there and you need to work/follow things through.

Lol yes I think some of the First Daters “know it’s a set-up” and sort of play to the cameras a bit (like agreeing to meet/saying date went well even though they don’t have any intention or it’s not realistic). I also think the producers do set the participants up a bit (as with all programmes) to fit a certain narrative!

Still love it though one of us threadies needs to go on it for sure!

@bangheadhere40 my best friend used Facebook dating and was inundated with people. She never went on any dates though, they all seemed to cancel last minute. I think it's a viable dating option, try it!

@SleepyBunk the girl I know who went on was beautiful, with a very average looking cheekie chappie bloke. Cannot understand why he didn't see her again, she was lovely!

Yes, there was a connection but i think I've done all I want to now. I spent the day with my toddlers thinking I need to focus on us more because they need me completely and perhaps dating needs to take a back seat for a few years. Their dad is an alcoholic and that's also a difficult one to manage. God knows how many partners would be able to handle that dynamic. It's just made me think that any man in my life really needs to add value to us rather than me always doing the giving.

@bangheadhere40 sorry to barge in as I'm a lurker not a poster but I've tried Facebook Dating. I've also been on Tinder, Bumble, POF, paid for E-Harmony (waste of money) etc.

I liked Facebook dating. Plenty of interest but I am in Manchester so probably a bigger pool up here than rural areas. There's not loads of matches but I got a steady stream. 4 or 5 a day consistently and they can only message you once and if you don't reply, they can't message again.

I met a lovely man in Nov. We've only had 6 outdoor walks so far but are getting on well and I'm hopeful it could lead to more when we can touch! 😁. I'm usually the jump on them quick type so the pandemic has slowed me right down.

Anyway, I liked it. Probably worth a go as it's no worse than POF, in fact, I'd say it was better.

Mr Yoga did respond and told me things had been up and down. He did say he needed to contact his ex because of freehold issues. This was something he had been scared of doing before because their relationship ended with her trying to take a lot more money from him and he was scared she would make things difficult. I'm putting 2 and 2 together and thinking having to contact her has brought all this stress on. Not sure what to think about this in the sense I'd been shut out all this time with very little explanation. Might speak to him later.

That would play absolute havoc with my anxiety @Eesha but you and I are very different people, you are way stronger than me.
I think it might well have made him anxious but as his girlfriend it would have been nicer if he'd shared it with you before no ?
Also interesting he has replied as soon as you've reached out though. Thats good?

Mr P called me. We talked. I told him I think he's slowly backing out therefore I wish him well but I can't do this and I'll do the break up for him
He was adamant that isn't what he wants. He said he wanted to suggest I see him tonight but didnt want to be the one making all the dates and having me at his beck and call.
He said he felt like he was being unfair to me. He told me he loved me and suggested we make loose plans in advance so I dont feel so anxious.
I told him to take the rest of the weekend to sleep etc and we'll catch up.

@Clovertoast you seem to have handled that really well, especially leaving him to his weekend now. It sounds like you are both managing each other's expectations and working through it better. You are strong, don't forget it!

I'm not 100% sure this was why things have happened but it seems to fit as I know he was always anxious about getting in touch with her again. I guess for him, it caused a lot of pain and he has closed that part of his life and he's frightened to reopen it. I think though, what I've struggled with is being shut out. Big things no doubt will come up but I think he's one to retreat and sort out himself. He's always been self reliant and an only child. If we do speak, I'll explain how I felt. I'm just not sure this is right for me, despite the connection. He's wonderful and I adore him but I need my own support at times and I'm not sure how this dynamic will work.

@clovertoast. If its of any help there was more than one experience with a man in my 2 years of dating that I moped over, made me anxious, tearful. Lockdown or no lockdown when someone else is making all the calls and you feel like you can't ask wtf is going on for fear that they'll end it, it causes uncertainty and insecurity and it f*cks with your self esteem. The difference between that and a person who cares for you enough to let you know whats happening, wants to ensure that there are no misunderstandings etc is night and day. And such a person isn't impossible to meet. This isnt to say hes a bad man but he doesnt seem like the right man or at the right time. I couldnt live like that again, it utterly drained me. I dont think twice about any of the men I previously cried a bucket over.

@Heartbeats0708 I can relate totally to how you are feeling. I have been seeing someone for about 18 months. Sounds a long time but we have taken it really slowly (my doing as I knew I was screwed up by ex).
I have 3 children and he has none so we have totally different lives when apart.
I used to see him on the weekends I didn’t have the kids and occasionally during the week but whilst the kids have met him I prefer to keep my lives more separate as I worked so hard to create a new little unit for kids and I, it would be so hard on them to suddenly have someone else come into that. But every now and then is fine.
However since lockdown and they’ve been home schooling, I don’t get a moment to myself. So when they are away I just love having time alone. He on the other hand is alone 24/7 now so is gagging to see me whenever he can. I feel so mean saying I need space. He wants to come over and look after me and takes it as rejection when I don’t want that.
I feel horrible as feel I am the one holding all the cards. My eldest is struggling with lockdown and has a major meltdown quite regularly and frankly I just think I can’t cope with more than being a mum at the moment....

Hi everyone - I wondered if I could get your perspective on something as a man who's just joined Match. From lurking on these boards, I've learned that monosyllabic replies from guys seem to be an (understandable) bugbear, as are unimaginative conversation starters like "how was your day"?

So, I've had a couple of matches and made an effort to really look at profiles and ask more interesting questions. But here's the thing... all I'm getting back are one-line lines and their questions are always just variations of "how was your day?" - exactly the kid of thing I was told would be a turn-off from me!

I'm wondering if this is a sign they're just not into me. It strikes me as a bit lackdaisical, especially as apparantly it wouldn't be tolerated if I did it. Should I just give up now or am I being a bit too harsh?

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher personally I love it when there is that spark and the conversation flows and it really turns me off when they aren't like that. I guess if you are really attracted to the profile, you could ask a few more questions and see if it improves? Online dating is hard! Good luck!

tossacoin I guess the rub is that its usually the man that approaches. Approaching is different to responding. Tbh i'd say they're poss not interested but that doesn't mean they won't be. what tended to get through to me was off the cuff humour. Anything that was short and a bit unusual.

Oh @Savoretti it's rubbish isn't it but our positions sounds identical. It is awful feeling like you have all the power about when you see them but I'm easily swept along so it's taken me a while to say "actually hang on, what about what I want?".
The more I read about what @Clovertoast is feeling though the worse I feel about it. And what @supercali77 said about
Lockdown or no lockdown when someone else is making all the calls and you feel like you can't ask wtf is going on for fear that they'll end it, it causes uncertainty and insecurity and it fcks with your self esteem*
I prefer to think I'm the latter part of that post and the person that lets him know what's happening but at the same time I am questioning deeply if we are compatible with such different lives.

So new to this! Haven't even been separated/single very long but have an awful pang of loneliness. I downloaded a chat app and have enjoyed just chatting to people, I'm a talkative person and guess I'd missed interactions! I've been talking to one guy in particular who's nice, we seem to get on really well but meeting during covid is not gonna happen - he's a frontline key worker and I'm not into travelling half hour for a freezing cold walk. Do I just write it off now considering we probably will never meet?!

Also - how soon is too soon to swap numbers and come away from the app? I hate talking via apps after a while!

@Heartbeats0708 yes I also feel bad reading it from the other point of view via @Clovertoast. However I have always been up front with my DP, it’s just as more time goes on I feel I should be letting him into my life more - and that’s the bit I am not sure I actually want. Sounds the same as you....

Yes, exactly the same. He has met my DC, like yours, but not for a while and I too have worked hard to give DC stability and normality. I don't want to merge lives at all, and after this amount of time it feels like the next step. It feels like I've been clear and upfront but I'm also wondering how much of that has been taken on board or if he's just thought "oh she will come round/change her mind". PM if you want to talk it through any more without the outing risk!

@havecourage8bekind unfortunately walks are all you can do at present. Is he up for meeting or just happy to chat?

Personally I prefer chatting on the apps rather than handing my number out. I think do what makes you feel comfortable.

@eesha he seems happy to chat to be honest but I'd like to know what face to face chemistry there is. We've spoken about meeting but what we talk about seems to be a bit fantasy like in my mind - as in, the meetings we chat about don't seem to have covid in mind..so that tells me it would be months before meeting. Not sure I can do months of online small talk!

@havecourage8bekind why not just meet for a walk, to save you overinvesting? It's getting nicer out there.

@Clovertoast how are you feeling today?

@Savoretti and @Heartbeats0708
Have you both asked your partners what they want short and long term?

You might be surprised and find out that they are happy as you are and dont want more.

When I was just meeting people casually I was always clear on what I wanted, sex and a bit of friendship and there would never be more. Most men got it but a few thought they could change my mind so they got binned.

I've been seeing Mr K 16 months and we started as FWB, neither were looking for more but it happened.
I've always been very clear that I will never live with a man, marry or share finances ever again (I was married for 17 years to an emotionally abusive person).
Mr K comes to mine and sees my kids but they are 18 and 24 so basically adults.
I have met his son (9) but just as a friend when they came to see my animals.
Mr K is completely on the same page as me, he doesnt want to live with anyone until his son is much, much older and he is very wary of sharing finances.
He was married but she cheated and he has also had a relationship of a few years where he was cheated on and was basically used for his money even though they dont live together.

A lot of people have been hurt in previous relationships and dont actually want to live with or marry someone.
Its becoming more common for people to be in a relationship and live apart.

As long as you are clear on what you want then there can be no confusion, @Clovertoast has the issue that Mr P made all the right noises at the start about wanting a relationship but now he hss changed his mind and is being vague about things. It doesnt sound like you're both vague on what you want.

Agree with @SortingItOut completely wrt @Heartbeats0708 and @Savoretti. I can't see myself living with anyone in the near future. I have toddlers and I've worked so hard to give them a stable life. I can't imagine someone living here but yes I will one day have a relationship and I could see us living separately. @Clovertoast seems to be Mr P changing his mind about things.

Yes I have had that conversation several times @SortingItOut and he makes the right noises but his level of investment remains much greater than mine. I never really understood the difference between fwb and relationships until now, and I want the former whereas he sees us as the latter.
It's one of those where I think he agrees/says what he thinks I want to hear to keep me happy. But you can't very well tell someone how they feel can you even when it's written all over their face