Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DudeFromThatLondon - Yes, I was thinking the 'enough' bit is really enquiring as to whether he would be satisfied with missing out on the potential offered by the apps, versus the potential @LongtimelurkerL offers. I agree that phrasing it 'as I want to see where this goes without distraction' is another strong way to put it, but still leaves it as an 'I' statement and leaves it unsaid from his side.

@LongtimeLurkerL Then hide the profile there, and use that to start the discussion.

"Sorry to lose our conversation on OkCupid but I've come off because it's a bit pointless being on there and wasting peoples time when I've got you for the rest of my life"

(Sorry couldn't resist being a bit silly)

You’re not wrong @VanGoghsDog I more mean that I have done the not talking about it thing and then been blindsided later down the line when i thought it was all clear - obviously that wasn’t a good relationship but as previously discussed if it’s not going to be one I’d rather know now before I’ve invested too much into it!
Haha @HairyArsedMan lol you might have something there

It is a bit much pressure to ask him to let you know if he's "the one". But I don't know, I've never had a "one", possibly because I don't think it's a "thing".

@LongtimelurkerL, just be brave and have the chat. Doesn't have to be heavy. Just kind of say I feel like we've made a good start with getting to know each other. I was always looking for something exclusive with someone so I am not going to be using the apps or chatting to anyone else whilst we see how things go between us. Are we on the same page? As we all know you plan the conversation then the other person's replies take it off in an unscripted tangent. Just be clear in what you want and if he's interested he won't see it as a heavy conversation but instead be happy to clarify he feels the same.

Sorry @VanGoghsDog I meant one as in a relationship rather than the one - I also don’t think that’s a thing. We all have many ‘ones’ IMO. You’re prob right @Onesmallstep67 and I really don’t see it going ‘badly’ but would just prefer clarity rather than any second guessing. We’ve got a phone call this evening once I’ve put the small to bed but won’t bring it up on advice from
This thread - will be ‘cool’

@LongtimelurkerL this guy seems to have been happy to let things develop at a slow but steady rate, which in my book is great. I don't really see why you are so concerned therefore, why not just continue to let things develop? You're still getting to know each other. Is it that you are seeking clarity so you both know you are both on the same page moving forward (fine, very sensible, but you have to woman up and ask the question re the apps, and be prepared for the consequences)? Or are you actually looking for certainty? Is there any such thing as certainty in any relationship, let alone one that's only just getting off the ground?

Sorry, cross-posted. You don't have to be 'cool' (too often that's short-hand for 'putting up with shit I'm not happy with'), just be clear in your own mind about what it is you want to know, and why, and what the consequences might be.

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic you’re right - I don’t really have any ‘real’ doubts about this ‘relationship’ - it’s more a hangover from past ones where I’ve thought xyz and actually abc has been happening - I don’t want to be stupid again mainly

Very interesting conversation going on here tonight and it has pushed me to post (again!)
I’m really conflicted about my situation with Mr TG. His lack of initiating anything is kind of getting to me now. I’m starting to feel like he’s at best ambivalent about us and at worst just not that into it but it’s a nice lockdown distraction.
I know my mind tends to go into overdrive though and like you Long, I have that hangover from past ones where I’ve been invested and all into it and they weren’t!
I’ve been reading loads of threads on here this past week where there are arguments between ‘if a man is interested he will show you, pursue you etc’ and ‘ you are an independent woman an equal part in this relationship and you don’t sit pretty waiting on him to pursue you’
I am firmly in the latter camp but it feels like all the effort is mine and not matched by his. All dates but one have been at my initiation, I looked at our messages for the past week and I initiated 6/7 days. He does post a goodnight message to me every night though irrespective of that days messaging.
I know when I posted about this here before people said it’s probably that I’m more organised than him. 🤷‍♀️
When I suggest anything he seems to enthusiastically agree, is lovely when we meet and we have a great time.

I am queen conflict avoider so will happily come up with any excuse not to raise something not because I’m afraid of the reaction generally , more so because I hate awkward conversations! But I need some reassurance that I’m not wasting my time here!
I don’t know what I want by posting about this really. Maybe some advice about what to say that’s not too heavy or even someone to tell me I’m worrying unnecessarily

@Mayzee why don't you take a mental step back and let him organise a date or something. You've probably just fallen into those roles. In hindsight, with my previous relationship, I often did the organising and he said I had kids so I was the one with more to plan. I think if I could do it again, I would have let him make more effort. I guess part of me was scared if I left it to him, nothing would happen but I agree, if someone wants to see you, they will make it happen.

@VanGoghsDog you sound as if you really don’t like neck kissing guy so do you really need an irritating friend? Walking guy sounds lovely though...

@LongtimelurkerL if you ask the question then just make sure you will be ok if the answer isn’t what you want. I did that once and I was so disappointed I felt like I’d been slapped. But that was in the early days of OLD and I’m much tougher now and like to know things upfront. Although people can always lie of course ... I’m very untrusting

@cravingthelook - crocodile? FFS 😂

@LuckyLinda3 I went on the apps as a distraction to get over heartbreak. People use them in all sorts of ways and it’s hard to read into it. I always have to keep busy or I slide back

@Eesha sorry I have not replied about your profile yet but I will email you tomorrow (you look lovely by the way, the photo is gorgeous)

I find on lockdown I alternate between insomnia and over sleeping. At the moment I’m super stressed over my Form E and it is killing me. It’s so bad even Mr Beard offered to help me with it as soon as lockdown eases a bit. I mean even he feels sorry for me 🤣. I spent an hour in counselling today crying about it. I can’t even sleep. Am utterly useless!

So I was thinking about a couple of things while I was out doing stuff earlier and there is another question here as to why you @LongtimelurkerL )and applies to you @Mayzee) are carrying this all on your own ? Now I’m not sure I’ve done well in relationship school so far but wondering what’s going on in the minds of your chaps and why they’re not aware of the context and thinking out loud about how they can provide a stable base for things. Maybe a simpler more open start that involves them would be ‘how do you think it’s going?’

I was also pondering @VanGoghsDog neck kissing guy and just wondering how he got away with it. If I tried to kiss someone’s neck I’d be stooping and disappearing round the back of them and lifting up hair, scarf and whatnot. I’m sure in the process I’d be seen coming and possibly get a slap if not a recoil and a funny look.

@LongtimelurkerL I would ask him straight out how it's going to him and would say that I prefer to see how this goes rather than seeing others. Does he feel the same? I'm just someone who has to know!!! I'm sure you have nothing to worry about though I would be very annoyed to see a partner on the apps.

@UtterSocks thanks so much, I'm having nil luck on Tinder, Bumble, Ok Cupid, Hinge and Match! Think I'm heading for the Undateables!

That said, I did a teeny bit of exercise today and although my legs are aching, I feel so much better about things. And I are loads of tangerines rather than the mini muffins that were calling my name! #hotstuff

Hi everyone,

Today I stuck a cotton bud up both nostrils as far as I could 😁 Not going to lie, it wasn't pleasant 😢
But I am COVID CLEAN 😃

Good times 👍

@Mayzee and @LongtimelurkerL

Definitely curious by/interested by this dynamic as well (sorry that's not that helpful).

Earlier in my life I had fairly difficult love-bomby relationships and the guys did declaring and chasing and organising but were very difficult/disappointments down the line. Or I wasn't a mature judge of character/situations so I was overlooking the fact that they were basically "desperate" to get something out of me.

Also I know I have my own rejection hang-ups and trauma to bring to the party so I'm mindful of that!

I do think the issue with OD is things arise in quite an unnatural way so you're not getting to see/know each other organically - I definitely see IRL some guys are really good partners but quite passive in relationships.

But conversely, I don't want to feel like I was doing all the heavy lifting in an interaction!

Sounds mercenary but a lot of it for me is to do with resource allocation - time or money or energy?

If it's a long term connection I'd adjust my schedule, whereas for a shorter term one (where the guy was open to dating others) not so much.

I think I'd personally find it a bit unpleasant if I was hosting or going out of my way for someone (based on us being "steady") but then they were waiting to get back to me because they were chasing/waiting to meet someone new for a date.

So I suppose that's the argument for exclusivity earlier!

Basically.....IT'S COMPLICATED! (like most of life).

Hope you both get a resolution and/or some peace of mind on this

Thanks for your reply @uttersocks. Sorry to hear you are stressed💐

@UtterSocks

Is it worth doing a NC and posting about Form E on here somewhere?

MN can be a bearpit of lunacy sometimes (as you know) but for practical advice etc you'll get some decent support from practicing legal people etc. Hope you feel better soon

@Eesha I do agree we have fallen into the roles now and I also feel like mentally stepping back, but when I’ve held back from arranging anything a few weeks ago we didn’t see each other. I’m not into game playing either and if I want to see him I’ll ask but I want to know he wants to see me as much iykwim? Today I have not messaged and he has not either but I know in the next hour he’s going to send me a lovely goodnight text
@HairyArsedMan that’s kind of where my head is at-why is he not pushed to make the same level of effort that I’m willing to? Or is it that he sees it as things are just fine and what’s the problem here?

@SleepyBunk it’s an interesting dynamic alright! I’ve never had a love bomber type of date and I give off very cool somewhat standoffish vibes at times so maybe that’s what I get reflected back at me!

@UtterSocks you sound as if you really don’t like neck kissing guy so do you really need an irritating friend? Walking guy sounds lovely though..

I don't dislike him, I just dislike that behaviour. We have similar values and outlooks, which is nice. And we both like a good walk - I have literally no-one else I can go for a local walk with.
Now it's confirmed it's not me being uptight I will talk to him about it.

I do like MrWG a lot though. In fact, don't tell him, but I fancied him the first time I met him which was January 2018! I have certainly played the long game huh!?

@Mayzee

Funnily enough, one of the things that put me off neck-kissing-guy (bleurch) at the start was that he never initiated, he whined if he hadn't seen me but didn't suggest anything, and I got bored of that. I simply need more drive.

@HairyArsedMan
I was also pondering @VanGoghsDog neck kissing guy and just wondering how he got away with it. If I tried to kiss someone’s neck I’d be stooping and disappearing round the back of them and lifting up hair, scarf and whatnot. I’m sure in the process I’d be seen coming and possibly get a slap if not a recoil and a funny look.

Well, he doesn't have to stoop, he's not much taller than me. I don't have long hair so no hair lifting and I guess he doesn't do it when I'm all wrapped up against the cold, not really thought about that.
I have a mole in the middle of the back of my neck, just under where my hair comes to, and he got a bit fixated on it I think.
I should definitely be more assertive about it - when we were 'dating' suppose he thought it was cute/romantic and I thought it was affectionate, but even then I hated it. And the 'I owe you five kisses because you said sorry five times' is so yucky! He's 58 FFS!

But anyway, yes, I really should have told him right at the start. And I need to get him to ease off on this over familiar behaviour.

(sorry, bold failure there)

So ... seems to be March/April (ish) for lockdown slightly lifting?

Might get back on apps next month in that case when I've finished current chunk of work/applications.

I haven't tried Hinge yet so that's a new place for me.

I don't really feel like it a lot to be honest, but I think even desexing my ad and lightly chatting to new people would be good.

longtime I think it's possible to check where he's at without making it into a heavy relationshippy conversation. As someone said, just asking 'are you happy with how this is going?' could be a nice opener. I also like the 'are you doing this with anyone else?' question? That could lead into the 'are you still on the apps?' reveal... Because you need to know!

mayzee I wonder if waiting for him to instigate suddenly could be quite confusing, when you've been doing the planning until now, and might require some mind reading on his part. He probably has no idea this is an issue for you. 'I feel like I'm doing lots of planning - is that what you prefer? I just want to make sure you want to keep meeting up...?' Maybe he's used to being organised by others and it hasn't occurred to him that that could look like a lack of interest?

@WeWantTheFinestWines that’s a brilliant way of putting it thanks and you are right that me sitting back planning nothing will probably seem disinterested to him then!
My main issue, I’ve realised, is not with the initiating, but rather the not knowing if he’s as interested as I am or is he a semi-willing passenger so asking the question the way you have suggested is good.
From what little I’ve gleaned about his ex wife, she seemed like a strong force in the marriage and they married quite young so maybe he knows no different in relationships.

I wonder if there's quite a lot of folks (mostly guys) on the apps who still don't understand how what went wrong with their marriages / relationships relates to their behaviour. I think it's very easy to fall back into established patterns of behaviour if you haven't worked through it, and likely, even if you have.

@DudeFromThatLondon I would say you are absolutely right here. I myself am quite a strong personality so I have consciously tried to be less so at times. I have found with 2 of the guys I met that they still seemed to have issues with their ex, unfinished business/hang ups. Think its difficult as we get older and spend more time alone. Ideally we all need to re-evaluate at the end of a relationship and take what we can learn from it. I'm finding myself again, dancing around the kitchen to music, I'm less stressed, less serious. I really do believe it's good to have a wee inwards look. Every day is a school day!