Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yes, now you've expanded on things @LuckyLinda3 I agree with @ThisTooShallBeFantastic things settled down and his new relationship energy dissipated (possibly due to work stresses) and it didn't grow in the way you'd like. If it was me I'd go with the friendship but not be too much of a support and see if he comes out of his funk, and also see if there's someone more suitable for me. You have to respect your own grief over this ending too - the first one after a long relationship is disproportionately painful.

Urgh so haven’t managed to have the ‘deleting apps convo’ with MrLW yet (didn’t come up organically and didn’t want to force it out of the blue) - just checked the app and he was online. Does this mean he’s not into me/thinks of me as a fwb?

Aw @HairyArsedMan thank you! I wasn't trying to make out I'm perfect or all that but I did just feel in my gut that the energy had zapped for whatever reason. My marriage ended very one sided with me on the bottom of my exh list and I promised myself I would go there again. Great to have male perspective. I might give the apps a break for a while but may call on your experience again in the future...if you dont mind obviously.

@LongtimelurkerL he might be thinking the same as you, that you're on the apps so you're not into him so he's keeping his options open.

I think the chat needs to happen asap.

@LuckyLinda3 as the others have said, I wouldn't read much into him being back on the apps. I've done exactly that after someone has ended it with me even though I was upset, and would have happily stayed with them.

I was in a similar situation to you, in that someone I was seeing last year (Miss H) was busy with her DC and work, and I was having to fit in around her time off. She ended it though, but I think/hope in hindsight I'll realise I should have done so earlier, as it wasn't right.

I've just started reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl on the recommendation of quite a few people on this form, and so far it's really hitting close to home (I guess you can swap Mr for Miss, and Girl for Guy in my case). Btw, if anyone's interested - it's available for less than £3.50 on Amazon to download for Kindle.

@LongtimelurkerL oh no, that's the worst feeling when you see them online. Although is there a small chance that he was having the same thoughts about you, and wanted to see if you were online? Or maybe he's still chatting to other irons to stop himself getting invested in you too much?

Maybe now's the time to have that conversation.

@TheCatWithTheHat hi and thank you. I think I will be purchasing on your recommendation. How are things with you now?

I have the book too, described me and my previous iron to a tee.

@LongtimelurkerL, I think it's been established that Mr LW is not one to rush into things. None of us can know exactly what his feelings are about seeing you unless the question is asked. What seems clear is that you would prefer to be exclusively dating just him while you work out if there is potential for more/ long term. Do you know what he said he was looking for ? All of us are coming at dating from different starting point or with a different goal in mind. I think sometimes we are scared to ask in case the answer isn't what we want to hear. But if he's on a different page to you then better to know that and make your decisions accordingly

Thanks @TheCatWithTheHat and @SortingItOut I think it’s most likely half term boredom but def needs a convo asap

Yes def @Onesmallstep67 you’re completely right and I’d def rather know now than when I’ve fallen completely! Will try to have the dating apps convo ASAP - is over the phone ok?

His app said short/long term relationship and monogamous (okcupid)

@LongtimelurkerL - over the phone would be fine for me

@LongtimelurkerL personally I like face to face so I can see their facial expressions.

If you're not meeting for a while then I think phone is fine as it does need addressing as soon as you can

@SortingItOut can’t see each other in person till my next child free evening which is early next week

If it were me, I'd wait until next week then. I'd prefer face to face too, as it's an important thing to talk about, and you can tell a lot by someone's body language and facial expressions.

Totally got to be face to face @LongtimelurkerL

This would be a brave thing for you to do, but even braver: remove yourself unilaterally and let him do whatever he wants to do.

Always felt that was the way to go for me - you can't finesse or compel someone to want you above everyone else, but it'll feel so much truer if they come to that conclusion freely despite everyone else that's out there. Maybe that's easy for me to say and do as I come at it from a position of having done a lot of dating and not having a lot of curiosity about who is out there.

@HairyArsedMan I don’t really know what you mean? How would I remove myself completely - surely if I randomly stop replying to messages or whatever now I come across as unhinged

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@HairyArsedMan I don’t really know what you mean? How would I remove myself completely - surely if I randomly stop replying to messages or whatever now I come across as unhinged[/quote]
No, just remove yourself from the apps, you do you, leave him to do him.

I do this. Then if the question comes up I have the ability to honestly say I've already come off them. (Obviously I only pause them!)

@LongtimelurkerL If you have ongoing conversations with others - bow out gracefully, say you want to see how things go with someone you've met. Most normal people will accept this and maybe suggest getting in touch if things don't work out. Then hide or pause your profile and leave the site. Or perhaps you mean the only means of chatting with your guy is through the site ?

Oh I see @HairyArsedMan and @VanGoghsDog - no we’ve been whatsapping daily since mid nov - I don’t use the app we ‘met’ on and have deleted my others. Haven’t deleted or paused this one because I guess he could see that I’ve done that and seems a bit odd without a convo? I don’t use it but get notifications - we both got one on Valentine’s Day (when we were together) - and joked about it but that felt too soon to raise it as that was only a week a half post kiss - now only 2.5 weeks post actually doing anything physical! Guess I’m confused because I’m not sure whether to ‘count’ the past 3 months or not? I have no interest in dating anyone else so get the whole just do me thing and let him tell me he’s deleting it - but that implies he will want to? I don’t want to ‘waste’ months if he doesn’t actually want to date me

He seems to want to date you, that much is very clear. At some point you'd like to know that he is dating only you and not interested in dating anyone else, right ? If you're right for him and he's a decent person, he'll let you know.

If you really want to know and it's messing with your mind, then a playful ask next time you're together, perhaps ? But I feel, and correct me if I'm wrong, it's not an apps question, it's an "am I enough for you?" question deep down and those are hard to ask without seeming like you actually think you aren't enough. So maybe do "strong vulnerable" with him and go with telling him you don't want to date anyone else but do need to know you're on the same page on that.

Btw, on OkCupid unless you're messaging each other you can't actually tell if a random profile is online or not, nor whether that person's profile is hidden or not. You only see who the site serves up to you, unless you're paying and using all the filters.

You’re right @HairyArsedMan it’s not really an ‘are you on the apps still’ question it’s a ‘are we dating with a view to long term marriage and babies thing’ which you’re very right is very hard to ask without coming across unhinged! I do think I’m enough - it’s more that I have a child and so I’m aware I’m ‘more difficult to date’ than someone without and I’m not sure how he feels about all that - we do talk about my child and he asks about them but still? Who knows without asking explicitly - just not sure how to do it?!?
We ‘met’ (as in reconnected after 10 years plus) on okcupid and the initial chat happened there hence I can see he’s online and I think I’d vanish from his chat if I hid my profile?

@HairyArsedMan and @LongtimelurkerL - Does it have to be seen as an "am I enough for you" conversation? Could it not just be wanting to date someone and see where it goes without the distraction of the apps? After all, as pointed out in that excellent article @Hairy posted, the apps have something of a conflict of interest and it's not entirely clear that they don't reinforce certain kinds of behaviour with their business model in mind. It would likely be a conversation I would have because, in terms of dealing with the uncertainties in OLD, it's quite a low hanging fruit.

Oh sure @DudeFromThatLondon but the apps convo seems so ‘simple’ comparatively - ie if I bring up a ‘I’d like to date you’ convo And then found out he was still on the apps in a few months then people could argue he’d done nothing wrong as it hadn’t be discussed etc etc

Why does it matter if you disappear? He's hardly likely to mention it as that will show he's still looking at the app.

And relationships are not about "people can argue" are they? It's not court. It's very clear to any grown up that "dating, exclusive" means "also not on apps, not chatting people up, not having one night stands, not pulling at the pub, not getting into an emotional affair...." etc.