Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@eesha It's easily done, I think I have been a bit like this with Mr Mad but I've thought about it and (a) obviously now I don't want him to profess his love and (b) actually he does give me something back as a friend - frequent, really good laughs plus some kind, virtual hugs - and doesn't demand much input at all. Now. For a while though, staying friends with him was holding me back and if I had my time again I wouldn't have bothered.

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic the truth is we couldn't be in a relationship after how he's told me about his autism affecting him, mini breakdowns for months etc. I couldn't handle all that with kids to look after too. I guess it's because when I asked him if his feelings had changed, he said it wasn't that, it's just he's really struggling etc. I just enjoyed the dynamic of what we had and I miss that. Certainly if someone else came up, I'd take a chance on that.

Hi @Eesha - thanks and yes, it is not easy and I don't think he will resolve it. It's a shame, he is such a lovely man and ticks most of my boxes, and also we have an amazing sex life. But he did lie to me about how enmeshed he is. And I am only getting the picture now of how toxic she is (as he really doesn't bitch that much - I think he is actually ashamed of living with someone so awful.) I get why he did, like with Mr Beard and all the eventual revelations showing him to be an absolute callous vain player (a 'slick Harry' if you will - I always fall for them) - in both cases if they had played their hands on date 1 or 2 or 3 I'd have been off - but it is always a gradual revelation over months by which time you are reeled in. He has been getting quite (very) affectionate and serious and has said he will be devastated if we split up now but if she comes back then I am not getting involved in that.

I guess although he is adorable I learned from Mr Beard first time round to guard my feelings in future (and I still speak to him from time to time. I just can't quite block him) - I just expect men to lie now and so I have hedged my bets with Mr Local. Who after 6 months continues to be no bother!

I'm really sorry about you and Mr Yoga as well. I did think you were very patient and caring, but I guess his issues just meant he was not ready for a relationship at this time. I do hope you find someone lovely - you seem so nice. But it can be a wasteland out there!

@HairyArsedMan - fascinating article. It actually made me feel my strike rate was pretty good in comparison! But it's true, the apps make money out of single people. If they worked more often than not they would barely scrape by! Food for thought.

@TheCatWithTheHat - think you are just having a dry spell. I remember when you had loads of dates one after the other. Compared to some guys I chat to I think you do quite well in general! It is just a hard time out there in the tail end of winter lockdown

On the weed/booze debate... I was brought up in a drinking culture and it doesn't bother me, as long as it isn't the sort of alcohol use that changes people's personalities, and equally I have no objection to weed (though I don't smoke it myself). But I have noticed that weed smokers also tend to be quite demotivated individuals (generalising of course). Mr Bike smoked weed and he was so passive I wanted to shake him. But then some woman might have loved how 'laid back' he was - I guess we all have our own view...

Right now my biggest problem is overwork and my stupid divorce papers and missing my gym. Am trying not to get over emotional about men. It has not served me well in the past - and I don't think I actually want to live with a man or merge lives, not after my car crash marriage. So am just going with the flow...

definitely an interesting discussion there about staying in touch/friends after stopping dating.

It’s quite hard to negotiate really - especially if the interaction has been fairly intense emotionally

it’s easy to want to keep the connection, maybe see the other person as someone nice you can just get on with and go for coffee - (but I suppose if it’s never been like that then that’s a bit of a pipe dream! 🤣)

Also meeting so many people on apps, I find it’s easy to build up a collection of contacts who might be interesting people, but aren’t really friends/don’t have my best interests at heart?

I went on a few drunken nights out with someone a few years ago (just divorced)

He was a clever guy, and he had clearly decided that I was going to be his “friend” as I looked a certain way and could get him access to cooler social groups/promote his amateur creative work?( he kept probing to see if I was a member of Facebook or social media ).

On the other hand I have genuinely got something back from connections which started off dating.

I think being bit brutal and summing up if you actually have stuff in common is important?

Also sounds old-fashioned but if the other party is a genuine decent reliable sort and not just an overdramatic/fun/unreliable sort then it’s easier. Also if the break up was mutual.

Like with MrC I think when things settle a bit it might be nice to go for lunch or a walk (as he’s 100% reliable and seems to enjoy my company and we both like trying new places. And detaching seemed quite mutual ).

That said, exchanging angsty semi flirty messages now would just end up being frustrating (plus I think he might want to date others) so I think I’ll give it a couple months to bed in a bit 🤔

Hello all.
Lots to catch up on, sorry how it's all ended @Eesha but as ever you sound sensible and together.

No one on the thread will be even slightly surprised to hear I'm seeing Mr P. We just had a nice weekend together and talked and talked..
He basically wants the kind of relationship you guys have referenced above.
He said the divorce has left him too wounded and he doesn't feel he ever wants to risk his independence or finance again. He wants a living apart together scenario. He told me he loves me, respects me, fancies me, enjoys my company but just cant do that.
He says he doesn't want to lose me but thats where he's at.
I don't know what I want. I couldn't live with him if I wanted to right now, as my teens are in the highs of exams and life changing decisions. I don't even know if I want that but I think I might eventually.
He wants to meet my kids and family and even offered to take me and the teens away.
I'm fully invested. We told each other repeatedly how much we loved each other....
I just have to figure out if I'm about to waste my time and store up heartbreak or if I can live like that. I can certainly see the benefits.
So my plan is, lockdown is coming to an end, im going to work hard, learn to drive, get my kids through the next few months, focus only on my life and enjoy the time I see him and give myself a mental check in date to see how I feel.
The stronger I make myself then the more likely I am to make the right, clear decision.
I'm hoping?

Great to hear your update clover. You clearly really care for each other and it sometimes just seem like when you find that you should hang on to it. Are you better at not doing everything for him, do you think? And making sure your needs are prioritised also? Focusing on yourself and your kids for now seems sensible and you are properly communicating now, which is essential, so maybe you'll find that you could be happy living together apart in the future? A bird in the hand... or an iron in the fire is better than two in the shed...😆

@WeWantTheFinestWines we talked about that, about me doing things. I've definitely pulled back from that. Part of it was me, I've told him before I like doing things for him.
I'm still feeling a little sad, BUT, I'm fed up overthinking, over analysing everything. I'm tired. I've neglected my house and my kids and myself and that needs to be my goal and my focus.
I left a shitty, lonely, marriage to be happy, I'm not going to spend my time miserable. This is MY life, I'm only 46 ( please say that isnt too old ) im going to make MYSELF happy and figure out what's next.
I need to take some tips from @Dancerinthemoonlight I think, she seems to have totally got a handle on the self love!
Talking of regulars on the threads , where did @Ruralbliss go ?
I miss reading her updates...

Hi @Clovertoast I hope you are ok. I think putting yourself first is absolutely the right thing today. Investing in yourself is always a good plan. For me the proof of the pudding is in the eating, and there were things about Mr P that concerned me, not just his blowing hot and cold. The way he angrily tailgated a woman who upset him driving. Him ignoring you whilst you were at his. Going to bed after you. Having you cook and clear up after him and his kids. Do try and bear some of these things in mind as you begin to put yourself first.

@UtterSocks that sounds like a headfuck of a situation. Are you saying that during lockdown they live separately? Now this pattern has been established can't it continue post lockdown? Have you managed to get to the bottom of why he lets her behave like that? I'd hope lockdown has helped set some boundaries between them. How old are his kids?

@eesha I could only be friends with someone if hearing about them dating or meeting someone wouldnt really hurt me. If it would hurt me then I know that I'm not really a friend.

@Clovertoast Hello! I think great advice here. You both seem quite smitten and I'd struggle to break off with someone who professes love to me! I would agree with @Notcoolmum in that remember those darker moments as they are red flags. My ex would be someone to tailgate or get really aggressive even if someone did something tiny like not acknowledge him letting them pass. I know when things are wonderful, it's easy to forget the bad stuff but try to keep that in mind when thinking long term.

I think I'm going to try and wean myself off the friendship thing with Mr Yoga as I'd certainly be devastated if he met someone else (which he will). He's clearly checked out of the idea of us, and been honest about the reasons so I need to stop clinging to any connection. I actually replied to his message today but asked whether he did still want to keep in touch after everything but heard nothing! I doubt it's anything personal but I just don't feel like this is positive for me. The Mr Unavailable book explains how we cling onto things because of the past and that's exactly what I've been doing, but it's just me instigating things most of the time. He's long gone I feel.

Had a couple of chats with ex irons today because I was feeling sad. One is someone who wanted to date me before but I had met Mr Yoga plus he had questionable views on race plus today I find he is a covid denier too!! No six pack is worth all that hassle as a partner though he can be a source of good male input. Then chatted to my ex fwb who proceeded to tell me how he was trying to win me back. He's actually making a big effort with me which is flattering but again, can't go back. Have deleted all my matches on Tinder as no one messages me first!

Actually he did reply and said in terms of relationships, he was avoiding them and that he just didn't understand them. I said no problem, and that was that.

@Eesha I'm so sorry. That must have hurt :(

@Notcoolmum i assume he meant we could still be friends but not in a relationship. This was what he alluded to before anyway but when it was spelt out like this, then there was no ambiguity.

@Eesha

Yeh, definitely not going to be much of a reciprocated friendship if it’s just you “reaching out”/ playing emotional caretaker all the time?

If theres unique social stuff you have in common, or you’re very extroverted and genuinely enjoy arranging stuff for others and collecting maximum people to socialise with he might be worth keeping around (I dunno how much social media you use but it’s a way of keeping in touch lightly isn’t it? 🤔)

But I’ve found that friends with fairly limited social skills (even if they’re great sometimes 1-1) can just be wearisome - you feel like you’re working as an unpaid PA just to keep them in touch and what’s the point?

Plus obviously it’s good to be independent etc

but if you have a crisis or a stressful life period having so-called “friends” who don’t even reply to messages or basically ignore you until you’re fun again is fairly disheartening

@SleepyBunk no i can't do the friends thing. It will just be me instigating things.
But just seeing it there on the screen, that I'm well and truly dumped, well it hurts. I knew it from before but it's all very clear now. I feel quite stupid for investing so much of my heart into this, but onwards and upwards.

@Eesha nothing stupid about you

Definitely nothing stupid about you @Eesha you are so together.
I'm sorry. It sucks.
It's the worst.
Sending x

@Eesha

I think you’ve 100% managed the situation well - I remember you saying that you’d give things a chance till early this year - you haven’t let things linger obviously you’re hurt but you’re moving on

(as obviously no-one wants to just dismiss a potentially good connection too easily - especially given current weird circumstances !) .

You’ve done just that, you’ve been aware of how you feel, you’re now detaching and open to meeting new people?

I think it’s good to have a balance between giving people a chance over time (otherwise we’re just going to end up dating love bombers) and also thinking “ok this doesn’t suit me” when you’ve seen an overall pattern over time.

Hello everyone,
I hope this is ok, I'm looking for some advice regarding OLD.
You all seem to really support each other on this thread and it's so refreshing to see..I suppose I was kinda hoping I could be a latecomer? Get some advice from some of you lovelies 💐

WElcome @TimeForTeaAndMe yeh just jump in

@SleepyBunk thank you for that, I just screenshotted it to remind me I'm not an idiot! Thanks to everyone else who has seen me post my woes on this thread and taken the time to support me with advice.

@Eesha definitely not an idiot, it says that you’re caring and want to see the best in every situation. I’m really sorry it hurts right now. Maybe in time things will change?
As Ella Eyre says - They always come back ...

My after lockdown plan is get my motorcycle license and buy myself a motorcycle and be a better rider than my ex was! I’ve realised this last year with nothing to focus on it’s really affected my mind. Hopefully also it will take my mind of men too much.

@eesha you aren't an idiot at all, you're a kind and caring person to whom unfortunately the universe dealt an impossible hand re dating someone with issues. I really think that with two toddlers you need someone without issues, who can support you fully. Someone who requires no fixing. Difficult but not impossible to find, given how much you have to offer.

@Eesha I always feel like an idiot when I've let myself fall and they didn't... But the alternative is all the barriers and that is also a sad place to be. At least with Mr Yoga it was definitely not you, but him. By the sounds of it he can't cope with life, let alone a relationship. With anyone. He didn't run off with someone else leaving you wondering if you're fundamentally unlovable. He loves you in his own way, but can't have a healthy romantic relationship with you. You have been strong and not let it run and run - you're amazing and deserve to find someone who can give you what you need. In the meantime: