Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Interesting article with some eyebrow raising stats:

hackernoon.com/about-the-misaligned-incentives-of-dating-applications-cw6a3232

@Heartbeats0708 thanks. I'm sorry to hear you've had a similarly shit day. Hopefully you're feeling a bit better?

As for getting back on the apps - I guess you'll just know when the moment is right. I struggle to stay away for too long, but it's like the TV ads for gambling sites - when the fun stops, stop.

I'm also slightly worried I've opened up a can of worms about egg cooking compatibility

@DudeFromThatLondon don't get me wrong...I'm all for trying new things and 'scrambling' it up a bit, but there are eggstremes. It's no yolk, I think that's going a bit far. Whatever poaches someone's boat though.

Sorry, not egg related at all. Waiting for Mr Nuclear to call. For the first time. I hate this bit. What if it's really awkward? Or I don't like his voice? Argh!

I do prefer an unpopped yolk.

Well the messaging with Miss G have gone from 'infrequent penpal of few words' to 'marginally more frequent penpal of slightly more words'.

It's progress.

Throw me off the thread but fried eggs with runny yolks make me shudder 🤮😂 even typing that was hard!

Mmmm...... fried eggs with runny yolks.....

Well, I think Mr Nuclear was a bit nervous, which I want to like, as slick Harrys aren't to be trusted - but I am wont to swoon over a slick Harry... Also he has an accent, which is to be expected of a fellow visitor to these shores, but it's not one I particularly enjoy. There's a definite sweetness, though, and no slagging off of ex, which is a big plus. We're going to consider breaking the rules to meet up in some way - we're 1.5 hours apart - as we are both frequently tested at work and I've had the vaccine so that doesn't seem reckless. Doesn't feel like it could ever be swoonsome, but I have to believe.

Sounds good @WeWantTheFinestWines slick Harry’s are the way to angst and tears

Speaking of swooning Mr TG called to mine last night and he had shaved off his beard - he is so so handsome without it I was definitely swooning 😍
And he was so not swoonsome at the beginning!

Ooo mayzee sounds yummy! What better way to celebrate Valentine's than to discover your man is even better looking than you thought 🥂

@Techgirldating

I too am in the living apart together mindset. I’m a hard working, no children, home owning average woman. I had a long marriage that left me totally blindsided by his leaving. I never (at least not right now) want to be in that vulnerable position again and give up everything to live with a man.

My friend for example met a man OLD in late October he moved in, in January, in reality maybe it’s ok but really she knows nothing much about him.
I suppose I just want a nice slow paced getting to know you relationship with a nice man that isn’t a player or some other weirdo.
Or a decent FWB relationship but I get feelings so I don’t think that would work for me.

It may have been said already but I think we need to remember we are worth more than these men/women that can’t see our worth.
And snip, snippity snip them out of our lives, so we can find ones that do want to date us ....wherever they may be 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm similar to Techgirldating - but would quite like to live with someone if things went well.

I had the marriage (shorter though) but no DC.

After a chat over a few days which turned into me discovering I was talking to a complete nutter (non mask wearer, wouldn't wear one if we met or went into train station/cafe, doesn't want vaccine) I've decided to take my foot off the OLD pedal for now. There are way too many crazies out there at the moment!

I have one final iron left on OKC but he's said he's not on there much - so I'm just keeping it quiet. I did message a few ex irons at the weekend but I'm really not feeling it at the moment!

Eesha - a friend of mine - I might have said this here - she met someone via a casual site (like Adult Friend Finder) a few years ago - he got in touch with her late 2019 they dated and he moved in I think last summer with her - but the mindset for him had changed from 'casual' to more and having lockdown meant things moved faster for them. I certainly think if you're both on same page and if you're careful then casual can become more fairly quickly - but I'd just say don't jump in too soon!

There was another really interesting convo I had yday with a man who I met a few years ago on a Tinder date - but we decided to stay friends and not date. Anyway, he was asking me why a few exes had contacted him over lockdown when things had gone wrong with their boyfriend and he wanted to know why when I suggested reasons (bored, want sex; want someone to chat to; thinking about other chance with him as lockdown gives more time to think) - he said he'd worked all that out! Yeah, right!

@CleverCatty thank you, I might have a nosey on Adult Friend Finder just out of curiousity. The truth is I could easily get sex/FWB with my ex FWB plus a previous iron contacted me too wanting to meet (looks good but can imagine will be hard work in a relationship). However I don't know if that's all I want. Things with Mr Yoga made me feel so happy that ideally I would like something like this one day.

Had a nosey on tinder, several matches but none contacted me. Two did contact me but gave me the same line 'living 5 min from ex' which I feel is code for living with the ex!

Hello all - not been on for ages - life overtook - and also dating anyone new is so hard these days with lockdown closing everything and walks being only for the very hardy, that I imagined it would be quiet on here. But nosing around while I wait for a late work meeting to start and had to reply to @Eesha and say definitely do beware of this as my situation with Mr Ginger (who I may as well call MrG now as I've been dating him almost 4 months) is looking increasingly impossible and the longer I have been with him, the more time and emotion I have invested in something that is beset by problems. Ones which won't resolve and which I am not available for when they start to affect our arrangements.

It began with the lie "my ex stays at the house very occasionally" and transpired "my ex hasn't worked for 14 years, doesn't drive, pretends to be ill all the time, spends all night on the sofa watching TV and reading Take a Break and all day in bed and was actually living with me most of the time." I do believe the relationship is dead (as much as you can ever know these things), but she basically won't move out and refuses to let him sell the house and pay her off despite a) having somewhere else to live b) having a new boyfriend who is obviously not daft enough to move her in and c) not paying a penny towards bills or expenses or looking after the kids while he works two jobs.

I have had to prise this information out bit by bit and we have so far benefited by the lockdown restrictions in that his kids go to her every weekend and I go to him and there is no pressure to merge lives. But once we get back to normal (and G's ex wants to return) there is no way we are going to be able to carry on. I just can't believe a man who is so lovely, kind and hardworking, and smart, lives with someone SO unlike me, (I was the breadwinner and the do-er in my marriage and am independent and a reasonably high achiever).

I do think that whatever a man confesses to at first is often the tip of the iceberg. I'm enjoying our thing for now and we have just had the best Valentine's weekend, but I'm always pulling back and trying to avoid making plans together for the future because - well because there won't be one unless the Acme company drop an anvil on his ex like in Road Runner. I am not being dragged into someone else's drama.

Honestly, I do not think there is one normal single man over 40 left in the entire western world! (with apologies to Hairy and Dude and Cat etc)

It’s ok @UtterSocks I can take it. I’m not normal anyway, so ...

@Eesha On the 5 minutes from ex- thing, I think you could interpret differently too, based on whether kids are involved. I’m 5 minutes away from mine (if I run a fast mile, bike or drive) and there is no way this is a euphemism for us being together. It works for schooling and co-parenting though.

@HairyArsedMan just deleted them all anyway!

Haha @HairyArsedMan I don't insist on entirely normal but people do have an insane amount of baggage. I'd settle for someone not actually living with an entitled ex right now! But then mine only left when he inherited a flat, otherwise I'd have ended up supporting the cocklodging wanker. Maybe that is why I bonded with Mr G but also find his situation impossibly triggering. I sometimes think I got life all wrong, working for a living and supporting myself...

@UtterSocks im really sorry you are in this silly situation. It's really hard as you have met someone you think is lovely and you want to make plans but can't. Does he understand your issues with his situation? Is there room for things to change post lockdown? I mean what's he going to do when the ex moves back in? I would say cut your losses but I know how hard it is when you care for someone. And most definitely it's hard out there.

I've been reading Mr Unavailable (thanks @Notcoolmum) and it's proving a really enlightening read. Whilst I can't see myself having repeated the patterns, I do see myself having not read the signs early on with Mr Yoga. Also, the only two men I've seen since my break up have not drunk but did smoke weed. So I'm thinking I went for the lesser of two evils whereas there must be a happy medium out there.

Messaged Mr Yoga today about sending me back some of my stuff. He was friendly though still in the midst of his autism diagnosis and anxious about all that. I miss the fun stuff we had but it's pretty clear now things are over as it was chat about all of the serious stuff.

I've never thought about "living 5 mins from ex" as being code for living with one. When my first long term partner and I broke up many years ago I decided to buy a place just round the corner from her, purely because I liked the area, had lots of friends here and it was convenient for work. I gather she wasn't too happy about it, but the only contact we had after that point was bumping into each other a handful of times in the local supermarket over the next few years before she moved away.

Also I found out not too long ago that Miss H's exDH lives close by to her, and he pops round occasionally to pick stuff up. I didn't even consider it as a potential issue, as it just seemed to make sense for child care.

I think living with an ex is a different matter, and that would put me off, but I can understand that some people have no alternative.

@UtterSocks I'm starting to wonder if maybe I am normal, given how hard it is to match with anyone who I think is nice and normal!

I noticed quite a few new profiles on Bumble yesterday, but no matches for me on any of the apps.

@UtterSocks sorry to hear about your situation - it's so hard when there's something that just seems to be unresolvable, but by then you're so invested it's really tough to walk away.

@Eesha hope you're feeling OK - that must be tough talking about taking your stuff back.

Interesting you mention about weed - that's always something that puts me off. My last long term ex did that, although I didn't realise at the time we got together - it just came out about 6 months later I think. She also drank a fair bit too at times, which actually caused more of an issue, but the smoking annoyed me more for some reason.

@TheCatWithTheHat ive been thinking about the weed thing. It's not something I would ever do but I think I lived in fear of my ex with his alcohol plus he can be a very frightening man (ex military). What I found with my last two partners who smoke weed, were they didn't drink plus were obviously very chilled and I felt completely safe around them. I didn't intentionally pick them for that but in hindsight, maybe that was the reason.

@TheCatWithTheHat it was only one thing he had but i think he will send it back today. I guess what upsets me a bit is that we used to chat a lot and it's gone now. It's dominated by his autism stuff etc. It's getting better though for me, things are looking up.

I can understand that. I never felt in fear physically, but it did make me feel anxious when my ex was drunk.

I think in my case with the weed smoking, she would do it with some of her old friends from back home who didn't have jobs or any ambition, and it made me see her differently. It definitely became more of an issue for me than it should have been though, and much preferable to her being drunk and belligerent.

That's always tough isn't it - losing that closeness, and the regular chats. But there's someone new out there who will give you all that, and more.

@bangheadhere40 eggshellent. you definitely win with that one.

@Uttersocks can't claim to be normal either. Perhaps I can get away with new normal ...

@HairyArsedMan - great article.

@eesha - that's hard re the chat. Always think you miss the good morning and good night chats almost as a separate thing to the person.

@TheCatWithTheHat im a bit scared I'll end up more of the friend girl in the Mr Unavailable book! Mr Yoga has been open about his autism stuff that's going on. Do I try and stay friendly? I feel a bit like I'm missing the relationship whereas he's just in deep with his stuff. Hes not being suggestive or anything, literally friendly. But I'm the one who has had reached out, then he's very responsive but mainly saying how worried he is about it all.

@Eesha I think you have to ask yourself why you are considering staying friendly. Do you need more friends in your life? If not, what is in it for you by being his friend? Do you get anything back? Personally I am a very firm believer in friendship being a two-way street...

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic no i have loads of friends. I guess I'm just missing the closeness but after reading the book, I feel a bit textbook yoyo girl/friend person hoping he will profess his love to me on some level.