Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hope you’re all enjoying Valentines - treating yourselves if no one is treating you.

@VanGoghsDog Agreed, it doesn’t fit in very easily in the space they give you on these sites. I’d feel wary about saying it upfront as it sounds too much like friends with benefits and a lot of women do find the space to state that is not what they are looking for.

Previously I’ve said i’m looking for a committed/enduring relationship but again that doesn’t really cover the way that would work with two households potentially involving young children. Maybe it should simply be a ‘cross that bridge when you come to it’ thing, depending on the strength of the relationship that arises through just dating. I’ve discussed it upfront in a previous short relationship and that ended after 4 months when feelings were stronger and she needed more assurance that we would co-habit and get married one day. It just wasn’t something I could honestly promise.

@HairyArsedMan Honesty is the best policy even if it ends the relationship.
Nothing worse than someone pretending they might want something in the future to keep the other person hanging on.

The logistics of actually living together would be a long discussion and no doubt someone would feel hard done by.

I've been honest about my intentions all along, even with FWBs I made it clear it would never be anything else and with Mr K he has known all along I wont live with him, I think he found it refreshing as previous girlfriends have wanted all or nothing within a few months which he went along with and then him and his son both got hurt when the relationship ended.

It does seem that wanting to live apart and not share finances is rather common. Even if I lived with someone, I'm not sure I'd ever want to share finances, even though my parents did so I grew up seeing that as the norm.

I'm not sure how I'd feel seeing it on a dating profile though - I'd just see it as something that would come out in conversation as you get to know each other.

This is all making me wonder if this was one of the reasons Miss H didn't want it to continue - I'm pretty sure she didn't want someone to live with her again, but then again I never indicated that I would want that. I actually really liked our arrangement. Sigh

I’m another that cannot see myself living with someone or marrying again. I’m currently at the extracting myself financially from my ex and it’s a nightmare. I’m not naive enough (anymore!) to think a breakup wouldn’t happen again so I am never risking it.
I’d love the living together apart thing - seeing each other regularly but no merging of anything legally.
Also I would hate anyone else parenting my kids as would they. They are all teens /pre teen so I’m possibly in for a hellish few years and definitely wouldn’t want an outsider to them feeling the need to discipline them or offer anything other than advice or support to me on how to cope.

@TheCatWithTheHat But if you lived with someone you would be sharing finances even if you didnt have a joint bank account unless there would be no bills to pay or food to buy.

When I talk about sharing finances I mean responsibility of bills and outgoings.
Even if you dont have a joint bank account you'd both need to contribute to the bills etc plus any tenancy or mortgage agreement, even if one person has the agreement you are still sharing finances as you are responsible for the other persons living arrangements.

I don't want to have a chat about splitting bills and buying shopping and then hoping each month my partner paid the money.
There is too much that could go wrong.

Please stop going over why Miss H didnt want a relationship with you. You must be driving yourself stir crazy and its not healthy.
I know its hard but please try to forget her and move on.
Did you manage to see your mum yesterday?

I'd like to live with someone again. But it's not practical with my teenagers. Plus I am probably going to be looking at university for them soon and another income would effect their entitlement for a student loan.

I wouldn't want joint accounts but would have a bills account we both paid into. Mr B stays with me about 4 days a week but doesn't contribute beyond paying for takeaways etc. If we do small shops we will take it in turns to pay sort of thing. I miss him when he's not here. I enjoy sharing my life with someone.

My three DC are older (late 20s) and my home is ‘home’ to them even though they have their own places. My goal is to hang on to this place - for me and for them - until I die, it’s ideal for animals and children (GC 😲) but accessible to several big, interesting cities too. Mr GN and I are in discussions about living together here in about a year’s time, but he would keep his smaller place nearby. He wants to marry but I just don’t want that now. Mentally, I hated being a wife, even in the many years when XH and I were happy. Financially it would appear to be ridiculous to merge finances as I am the higher earner with more assets. However he is younger with another 15 years till retirement, and he has a government pension scheme, while I have only 8 years left and just a private pension. So down the line, maybe marriage would be sensible... Things change, and not always in the way you expect. I guess the important thing is to be open when you’re in a relationship, and keep checking what page each of you is on.

I’ve understood and vocalised all the above during the OLD process, which has been such an amazing learning curve for me in so many ways. So starting out, I didn’t put anything about goals etc on my profile as (a) I had no idea what they were and (b) they didn’t match my light-hearted profile. If I go back on the apps I still wouldn’t state it though. These are my goals, personal to me, and not to be shared with random strangers (except you guys, 😂). If nothing else, I think anything on a profile that relates to finances, even by implication, leaves you open to the attentions of scammers. I wouldn’t even put ‘own house (and teeth’.

@SortingItOut Yes true, although I was thinking more of having everything go into one account, rather than having a separate shared account where you both contribute money into each month to cover bills.

I lived with someone for 4 years, and we didn't have a shared account. It was my flat, and I paid all the bills - she just contributed x amount per month towards it, and we did alternate food shops etc...

If I moved in with someone else, or we bought a place together then I can see things would be different.

I got burnt when we broke up, as I'd always been happy to pay for stuff like holidays up front, with the agreement that she'd pay me a certain % at some point. We had quite different incomes so I didn't think it was fair to pay 50/50. However during the last year or so she kept making excuses why she couldn't pay, and of course got nothing when she ended it, and I lost a decent amount of money. Although that's pretty mild compared to some of the stories I've heard of people extricating themselves from joint finances, so I think I've been rather lucky so far.

I'm trying to - just having a bad few days, as today especially has strong memories of her and I getting together. I'm hoping to go and see my mum later today :)

Really interesting reading everyone's experiences and what they want from a relationship. It's really made me think about what I want going forward.

When I first started OLD last summer, I was sure I didn't want to live with or marry anyone again, I just wanted to have fun and see what happened - nothing serious and I certainly had no intentions of my daughter knowing I was dating or being introduced to anyone. I met my last iron and we seemed to have fun, he was different than I was used to (he was quite domineering, very confident, alpha male type) he was easy to talk to and I was happy spend time with him. But as time went on, I realised I could never introduce him to my daughter - I knew she wouldn't like him, he wouldn't fit into our family at all and as much as I was having fun, there wasn't a future with him and maybe I did need something more after all.
I'm still taking things slowly with MrPosh, but I could totally see him being part of my daughters life as well as mine and that kind of excites me - I've never really thought about the future being anything other than just me and her. She doesn't need a father as she has a very hands on one already, but I could see MrPosh being a great addition to our life.

Definitely having a bad day today - I decided to treat myself and cook a full breakfast this morning. But my fried egg stuck to the pan, the yoke broke as I put it on my plate and I just burst into tears

It's tough trying to meet someone, and opening yourself up to the hurt if things don't work out. I honestly don't know what to do. I really want to meet someone, and think I've got a lot to give - but it's so hard at times.

Awww @TheCatWithTheHat I’m so sorry about the yolk! I’ve had that reaction before, the little thing pushing you over the edge. It is good to have a cry though, it’s a great relief of tension. And to recognise that, objectively, you’re currently at a low point re work, love life (valentines 🤮) and lockdown - but things can only get better! Spring, lockdown easing, lots of pent-up demand from women for emotionally literate men like yourself, just around the corner. Please accept a hug 💐

I hardly ever lose my temper. Shouting and swearing aren't my style. When a yolk breaks, however, the air bypasses blue and turns straight to purple.

@TheCatWithTheHat Dont put any pressure on yourself today and just try to be.
Would it help to take a break from the apps for a week or 2 until you've gathered your thoughts and got Miss H out of your head more?

Awww @TheCatWithTheHat, its sometimes good to get it out. What I'd say is you don't seem to have trouble attracting the ladies, that's half the battle. You seem like a lovely person. I think we all feel like that, loads to give but no one there. This will pass, it's a hard day.

I'm feeling a teeny bit blah too. My ex FWB wished me first thing this morning yet nada from Mr Yoga. I know things were pretty done and dusted relationship wise but there was a tiny bit of hope that he would make some sort of contact, as we were messaging up to Tuesday anyway. It really seems like I've been forgotten about. Thank God I didn't send my card!

happy Valentine’s Day all you gorgeous clever threadies

I have an epic large spot so it’s probably good that everything is slow on the dating front

Going to tidy up a bit and eat cheap small Easter eggs . Will book some focusmate sessions in for later to work on language I’m addicted

The support on here is amazing. You lot are great

@TheCatWithTheHat just be kind to yourself today it is hard, I’m still wondering why my last iron decided to string me along then just say the not ready for a relationship but obviously I know really it was me I wasn’t enough and that hurts.

My long term marriage ended 3 yrs ago with me coming home one day and my ex had left and put all his stuff in storage while I was at work. I think that’s where my reluctance to merge homes with a man again comes from. Never want to be that vulnerable again.

Wow techgirl that's brutal. So sorry.

And cat as others have said, try to focus on how things are slowly looking up and the world is full of wonderful women who'd be so happy to be with a kind and intelligent man like you.

Unlike others on here, I think I'd quite like to get married and share a home with the right man. Maybe because I've never been married. I spent 14 years in a relationship with DC's father but never wanted to marry him. I thought because I didn't believe in marriage, but slowly realised that I have no problem with marriage, I just didn't want to marry him. I knew I wouldn't be happy on my wedding day. Because he's a bit of an arse. Still living with him and but have had relationships since we split up and part of the attraction for me was escaping from my home situation. So if/when I do get my own space I might be reluctant to give it up. Unless a really really good one comes along.

I set the bar low at scrambled eggs but no catharsis lies that way - hope the day improves @TheCatWithTheHat. I wonder if you’ve considered ramping down the number of women you’re involved in dating/chatting to ? It all sounds like a real rollercoaster to me and you could do with some emotional peace.

@Techgirldating the way your marriage ended sounds really horrible, I totally understand why the idea of sharing your space with someone would be anathema to you. The good news though is that there are other models for partnerships, and models that work well. And no decisions need to be made in a vacuum, as it were. Just see if you meet someone nice and take it from there.

It's always scrambled eggs for me - can't go wrong! Though cleaning the pan can be a bloody nightmare...

Just dropping in after a bit of a hiatus. So interesting to read where people are coming from, both in terms of keeping independence in future LTRs and having to let go partners who are not quite right. Just being kind and clear what you have to offer would seem to be best, but so difficult to navigate. I realise this is not adding much so not to be controversial but ..... I like to deliberately break the yoke in a fried egg sometimes.

Loving the random egg chat

I think with applications and general transitional things in life, my mental health is potentially fairly vulnerable right now

so I’m holding back on the apps till there’s a bit more equilibrium as you do need to be fairly tough to be in it!

Plus no-one needs to be on a date with my zit right now

That said, there are quite a lot of nice little coffee shops doing takeaways and I’ve got some cute winter gear so I’ll be keen when it happens

Thanks so much for the replies - it really has helped, and the random egg chat has made me smile It was just the last straw, and I probably needed that release. I've said it before, but this place is amazing, and I'm humbled by the support here.

Since seeing Miss H back on the apps, I've somewhat lost the enthusiasm to get back on there, so a little break will probably do me good. While I was seeing Miss Forest I wasn't really going on the apps, so don't really have many matches to chat to anyway.

Although it's my birthday fairly soon, and I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure to get as many swipes in before I move up a year. Plus I'm guessing more people will be signing up this weekend.

I definitely feel very vulnerable in terms of mental health at the moment - I'm normally fairly robust I think (except when it comes to certain ex-irons), but everyone seems to be suffering quite badly at the moment.

@Techgirldating wow - that sounds awful. I'm not surprised you don't want to be that vulnerable again. Hopefully you will meet someone who will help you regain that trust. And I hope you feel better soon about your ex-iron. I agree - the worst bit is knowing that it was you they didn't want a relationship with. Rejection sucks.

@Eesha sorry to hear you're feeling a bit blah today. It's always disappointing when you don't hear from someone on a day like today. I must admit to being slightly hopeful I'd get a message from Miss H, but I know I'm being pretty unrealistic there.

I've decided today is officially "2 days before Pancake day day", so I'm looking forward to celebrating that with lots of lemon and sugar (and broken eggs).

@SleepyBunk try a colloidal plaster on your zit if you have one!
Sorry to hear you've had a shit day @TheCatWithTheHat mine hasn't been much better and I've felt upset and guilty and all kinds of emotions in between over the course of the day. Looking forward to taking to the sofa with a big bar of chocolate and some non-romantic tv.
I'm not sure when to start thinking about getting back out there. I'd definitely like to read the unavailable book and try fit in a session or two of counselling. My therapist might be able to advise!

dude are you crazy 😁 I also get annoyed when the eggs pop, more of a disappointment really.

@bangheadhere40 - it's just different, I like the texture and the fact is all mixed in sometimes. I also like the pop .... it's like nature gone mad in your kitchen. We should never make eggs together.