Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@TheCatWithTheHat dont you have a date this weekend too? Focus on that as it might be fun rather than the past.

I wonder too, as on some levels she wasn't right for me and at various points last year I did think that it wasn't really what I wanted. I wouldn't be able to do various things I enjoy doing with a partner (going away on holidays, weekends away etc...) as I have no commitments and while she does have some child-free time, it is restricted due to her work hours. But in a lot of ways she was right for me, and over time I grew very fond of her and really enjoyed spending time with her.

I think the issue is that she has always been happy to speak via text, and I assumed that would lead to us meeting up again, either as friends or FWB, or whatever. But now it seems she's reluctant to meet up face to face, which has dashed my hopes for even a friendship.

I agree - I do need to move forward, but I'm finding it really hard.

I guess I'd like to know whether it was something about me specifically. Maybe it was something I did or said, or just that she's not ready to jump into another serious relationship after her divorce. Maybe she just wants to enjoy being single and casually dating again for a while.

@TheCatWithTheHat i wonder if she would ever tell you specifically what it was/is though as she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings etc. For me, my FWB keeps professing love and I try and be nice but really i can't go back because his life is going nowhere, has depression and just smokes weed all day! It was fine before when I just wanted fun but I could never have seen him as anyone long term. I would never tell him so because it would hurt him. Obviously this isn't you but what I'm saying is she's clearly said it's not for her and might never give you any detail ever. You sound like a nice guy who gets lots of dates, eventually one will be it for you.

@Eesha I suppose there is only one way to find out.

If I was in your ex-FWB's position, I'd actually like to hear the reason as it might be the kick up the behind I need to make a change to my life. But that's just me. I've had these discussions before with exes after a breakup, and I have changed/improved as a result. A couple of times things changed sufficiently for us to get back together again.

And yes, my head is agreeing with you. I don't need to know, it won't help - all I need to know is that she doesn't want to be with me. But yet something inside keeps me dwelling on it and it's gnawing away at me, and making me feel pretty miserable.

This weekend's date seems really nice, and I am looking forward to it - but I can't get Miss H out of my mind :(

@TheCatWithTheHat long term lurker here and I have been in a similar situation but as Miss H.

The guy I was seeing was lovely, I enjoyed his company, we got on really well but I just didn't see it going anywhere. His life was very much tied up around watching and playing Rugby, I enjoyed watching games with him once in a while but couldn't see it happening every weekend. He was a few years older than me and his friends all seemed to be middle aged couples that I felt I didn't have much in common with, again I just couldn't see me socialising with them in the way he did and finally I hated his dress sense! So shallow, but to me I always felt that we didn't look like we belonged together.

We carried on, seeing each on and off, always instigated by him but I went along with it because I liked him. Eventually I just felt I was giving him false hope and said no to the next invite.

I think he was pretty much where you are now and couldn't understand why if we got on well it couldn't progress and I just couldn't bring myself to be brutal and say your lifestyle, friends and dress sense are just too old for me! so I just said I'm not really ready for a full on relationship and didn't want to lead him into believing there could be one.

He's probably a bit put out and scratching his head because I stayed on the apps and through Facebook he will see I'm now in a relationship.

I think you need to accept you haven't done anything wrong and there is nothing you need to change, you just weren't right for her. She likes you and because of that is trying to let you down gently, but her ambiguity is allowing you to believe there still may be hope.

I'm not looking to rekindle things long term, but I'm happy to just meet as friends, although we did have fun so it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world if things heated up.

If those are the actual words you used, it sounds like you want to meet up for sex and will just harass her. I wouldn't want to be friends with a man who said that.

She may not be able to articulate why it wasn't right for her, it's not fair to put this pressure on someone, she's not responsible for your feelings. Or she may worry that the real reason is hurtful ("you smell funny", "I can't stand the way you eat", "you said something I considered a bit creepy and it made me think about you differently" etc) and she doesn't want to hurt you. Or more likely, like most women, she has had a bad experience of telling men why she doesn't want to see them again where they have argued, said they will change, got aggressive or even violent.

@TheCatWithTheHat personally I'd just focus on the date in hand. Great advice here from those here. I can't really tell my ex fwb though I think he knows. He just thinks if he keeps telling me how much he adores me, then I'll go back to him. However life has moved on really for me. I understand where you are coming from, it's hard wondering why.

A guy I was seeing I was put off as when I went to his house it was filthy and he never cleaned up...the bathroom was vile. I also just didn't fancy him that much and he snored terribly.

I couldn't tell him that though, think I said "something was missing". This was a while ago...he went on and on about what was missing etc... and then started calling me names, I had to threateh him with the police in the end. I blocked him but he kept calling me from random numbers.

I know cat isn't like that but as someone said some men are really aggressive and it can put women off being completely honest.

I would want to know too cat...I'd rather be told honestly actually so I could move on / understand.

@bangheadhere40 I think the thing is, as I and other posters have said, it's extremely unlikely someone will be that honest, either to protect feelings or because they don't want to get into a situation where the other party tries to convince them otherwise or gets aggressive/confrontational.

I'm sure @TheCatWithTheHat isn't like that at all but the point is why take the risk when it should be sufficient to say sorry, this just isn't for me any longer.

I agree we're often encouraged to soften the blow on here/let people down gently because everyone is human after all. I'm not sure you'll ever get to the bottom of it @TheCatWithTheHat but I can understand the need to. I'm going through a similar thing now and it is very difficult to navigate.

It took me a while to get to this stage of thinking in previous break ups, but I find it helpful to keep in mind..

@VanGoghsDog I was just paraphrasing here - I didn't want to put exactly what I said as I'm a little paranoid in case somehow she was to find the thread. I wouldn't just want to meet for sex - for me her friendship is more important, but the physical side was great and it seems she still finds me attractive. So I wanted to suggest I was happy with just friends or more depending on what she wanted. I'd be more than happy to meet for a walk or bike ride for example, just so there's no chance of any temptation.

I do see all your points about why she might not tell me the real reason. I'm pretty sure it's not my dress sense, or lifestyle - if anything it was the opposite, as she just tended to wear comfy, practical clothes and her life mostly revolved around her work or DC. She's visited me many times, so pretty sure it's not my flat and she admits she still finds me attractive, so it's not my extra lockdown padding either.

I'm actually a bit paranoid about my breath, as my ex mentioned it a few years ago and it turned out I'd got an infected wisdom tooth. I had it removed, and as far as I know it's all fine now plus I'm always extra careful with cleaning and mints when I see someone. But I'd hate to think I was subjecting someone to that and they felt they couldn't mention it to me.

I'm 99% sure I won't ask her - I'm just venting here a bit really, as it does help to have sense talked into me. I just honestly don't know why I'm finding it so hard to deal with - especially as I know logically she isn't a good match for me.

@Heartbeats0708 thanks - great advice from Tupac

@TheCatWithTheHat

I imagine part of the issue with moving on from MissH is the rest of life emotionally in lockdown and February is a bit weird!

I’m introverted and still just not being able to do stuff/go to a cafe or museum or look forward to a holiday is wearing me down a bit! We all have a bit too much time to overthink right now.

How are things on the job front? Are you doing other stuff to keep your mental and emotional wellbeing on point?

@TheCatWithTheHat youll never actually know why and I think you'd drive yourself mad wondering. Even if she did say, you'd still be wondering! Personally what I think is to just take what they say at face value as it's the only real 'certainty'.

@SleepyBunk I think that's true too - it's easy to dwell on things when you're sat at home alone all the time. Plus it's a year since we first met, and I'm always a nightmare with "a year ago we did this" kind of thoughts.

I'm still looking for something new, and winding down in my current role so starting to get a bit worried about paying my bills next month which isn't helping.

As for my mental health - I'm not sure I'm in that a great place if I'm honest. Other than a few dates with Miss Forest, I've not seen anyone in real life all year, although do have weekly video calls with my family, and chat to friends on WhatsApp. But it's tough being alone, and dealing with rejection on top of that (both work and relationship wise). I've got my next therapist session in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will help.

Hope things go well with the therapist @TheCatWithTheHat

Cliche but I’ve found exercise and getting active EVEN if I don’t feel like it definitely helps with the blues.

I’ve also discovered a site called Focusmate which basically pairs you up with a stranger - not romantically or socially - and you just check in quickly and you can sit and read or work or do a hobby together on webcam for an hour.

So it’s like social contact but just for companionship, not for chat or anything too intense

Sounds a bit creepy but actually have found it really good for the solitude.

Fingers crossed for lockdown easing and spring soon, I fancy a shopping trip and a cafe stop like anything

[quote SleepyBunk]@TheCatWithTheHat

I imagine part of the issue with moving on from MissH is the rest of life emotionally in lockdown and February is a bit weird!

I’m introverted and still just not being able to do stuff/go to a cafe or museum or look forward to a holiday is wearing me down a bit! We all have a bit too much time to overthink right now.

How are things on the job front? Are you doing other stuff to keep your mental and emotional wellbeing on point?[/quote]
I agree with you here - lockdown emotions are strange and February is a bit weird too.

I hope everyone else is doing ok - will have to check back through the thread for updates.

So I have a new 'iron' potentially but he's very in your face - direct, wanted to switch to Whatsapp almost immediately (still on the site) - there's no way I want to message him loads right now though so not doing that.

I've decided not to meet up with the ex tomorrow - the area where I am is near a high risk area for Covid 19 and as we're not supposed to meet up officially I've decided to wait until its safer. Thing is, now I don't know if he'd decide to speak to me face to face or not rather than by text!

SortingItOut - great advice re dating in general.

I had this with the ex. Met him mid summer of 2019 dated for 6 months but we never had 'the talk' or only brought up certain topics as and when.

Two close friends of mine said don't bother bringing things up just look on it as fun but then that meant that I let it get to 'sex' and not much else. I know he really liked me from the start, the messages, and he played the guitar spontaneously for me and sang me a song when he stayed at mine the first time but I was always nervous of having 'a talk'.

A quick question, are any of you in touch with exes? Not like exh's you share kids etc with, more ex irons/fwbs that you don't have a 'reason' to stay in contact with.

@Heartbeats0708

The only two ex-irons I speak to are Miss H (probably not a good idea for me to continue), and Miss Forest - who I only saw a few times so not long enough for feelings to develop, and we ended things amicably.

Also after mentioning I'm a bit paranoid about my breath earlier, I checked with someone who I've been in close contact with, and it seems maybe my breath is a bit stinky as I feared - although apparently not awful. Would this put you off dating a guy? I'm going to be booking an appointment at my dentist first thing tomorrow, but it's not a nice feeling to know I've got ripe breath :(

cat it wouldn't put me off, but I would say something I think.

It all depends, my kids Dad had awful dental hygiene and never brushed his teeth 🤢 which I found off-putting rather than his breath.

If someone brushed teeth, did everything properly and there was still an issue through no fault of their own it wouldn't bother me and I would say if really bad.

I would rather be told. Now paranoid myself and might go and breathe in my kids faces to check 😁

@TheCatWithTheHat not sure about breath but I've dated 2 guys with bad teeth and it was never an issue for me. However I think I'm in the minority so good you are getting it looked at.

@Heartbeats0708 I'm in touch with my last FWB and my last partner Mr Yoga. My FWB and I fell out early last year for months and when we started chatting again late last year, he started saying how he had always loved me. I suspect this is just because his life has gotten much shittier and he remembers how good he had it with me! We chat and now feels a bit awkward when he says all this to me. With Mr Yoga, it's all very raw and sad for me but I'm just going with it because I would hate the finality of not speaking right now.

Much sense spoken here. I totally understand why you can't stop thinking about her cat and want to understand. I'm still struggling not to think about my ex after 6 months and I know what happened (OW)! I still go through the "what if I hadn't said that" or "what if I had done this" torture. I would have a problem with bad breath but it wouldn't be a reason not to be with someone. It's fixable. I had a couple of dates with an iron who was great in every way and who was really keen on me and I really really wanted to want to go out with him. I just didn't. And I couldn't tell you why, other than slightly odd dress sense, which I wasn't even bothered about. Don't try to find out, it won't make you feel any better, will it? Sorry it happened when other things in your life are not quite right either. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful bloke. Someone else will see that and want it.

My last long term ex from a couple of years ago mentioned it to me, and it turned out I had an infected, impacted wisdom tooth - so got that removed a few years ago. Since then I've always been a bit worried about it coming back, but no one has ever said anything.

Funnily enough, I did detect a bit of bad breath the last time I was in bed with Miss H, and wasn't sure if it was me or her. I suspect it was me, and I hope this wasn't the deciding factor for her :(

I find it really unpleasant when someone else suffers - feeling rather embarrassed at the moment actually, but better to find out now rather than subject anyone else to it. I'll make sure I stock up on mints for my date on Saturday!

Thanks, I'm not entirely comfortable because the conversation feels a bit, I don't know, pointless really. We're not going to be seeing each other again for a long time if ever and both hurting but like you say @Eesha it's a finality issue.
@TheCatWithTheHat context is everything, if you made an effort with it, as it sounds like you do with the mints etc, I'd say no not an issue especially if you were trying to resolve it. It has really put me off before though, but I know that it was a lack of hygiene.