Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LongtimelurkerL
Nowadays the questions you meed to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well. Personally i wouldnt ask question 4 for another month as really you've only neen dating 2.5 weeks.

Also dont give all your spare time over to meeting him, you need your own time too.
Just look at others on here recently who either needed time themselves or their partners did and that can cause issues later down the line when contact reduces.

@Clovertoast how are you getting on? How are things with Mr P?

thanks so much @SortingItOut that's really helpful - he doesn't get all my free time don't worry - this upcoming weekend is my first child free weekend since we kissed so will be seeing some friends (for socially distanced walks) as well as him

@LongtimelurkerL I'm glad you've got other things arranged, its easy to get swept along.

Personally I have also raised the porn question and actually in an adult relationship its an important one, you only have to see the number of threads on here about porn watching to know that it can cause issues.

I knew Mr K watched porn as we were FWB before we were anything else so it cropped up occasionally in conversation.
Once we were boyfriend/girlfriend I felt I had a right to question his use and what genre he watched.
If he was into anything I found unacceptable then we would have probably reverted back to FWB or ended it.

I think its important to consider your own feelings on the matter.
I know some people are anti porn for various reasons and I understand their viewpoint.

@Slothmomma

catwiththehat don't torture yourself over this or seek any more answers. She told you she didn't have feelings so isn't that the answer and your closure. I've ended things with an iron before despite enjoying his company and having amazing sex with him because I knew I didn't actually feel anything for him and didn't see a future. It happens. I think you should take what she's told you as your closure

Difficult reading but wise words here. I felt essentially the same with my iron and have ended things. No plan to go back on the apps but I'll hang around!

Thanks @SortingItOut it all feels quite relaxed/progressing normally (given covid obv) etc at the moment - i'm just using you guys as a sounding board - I hope that's ok.
Yeah porn makes sense a question as well

@Heartbeats0708 yep, difficult reading, but as usual very wise words.

I just wish my heart was as logical as my brain... It's harder at the moment too as I'm just sat at home all the time, with far too much time to dwell on things. Having another tough day thinking about it, but as always I'll bounce back.

In other news, it looks like Miss Forest is also having second thoughts due to her lack of free time, so thankfully it looks like that will be a mutual decision to call it a day.

@TheCatWithTheHat it’s definitely harder with so much more time to think about things. Hopefully by the summer things will be a lot brighter - both the weather and everything else

@SortingItOut I never knew there was so much stuff to discuss! I'll have to take a crib sheet on my next date . All so sensible though - it's easy to get caught up in romance and not worry about basic stuff until it's almost too late. I'll never forget a conversation I had with a colleague years ago - when he met his wife they discussed what they wanted from life (kids or not, SAH parenting or not, work/life balance, etc) before deciding whether they even fancied each other! I always thought it sounded a bit too sensible, but maybe there should be more of that about.

@LongtimelurkerL didn't it take ages for you guys to even kiss? He doesn't sound like a player - I imagine he'll be quite pleased to have a discussion about whether you're both on the same page.

@TheCatWithTheHat no wonder you're struggling with this one - it's hard not to get hung up on someone you've had an amazing time with, especially when there are so few distractions. And I think we're all familiar with the "I know I don't want a long-term relationship with you, but I still feel rejected when you don't want one with me" feeling.

On the Mr Nuclear front - I was all worried he would be short. Somehow it's only just occurred to me now to check his profile again. He's 6'4"! My perfect height! Still not handsome, more friendly-looking, so who knows if I could ever fancy him (or he me) - not sure when we'll find out as we're currently not allowed to travel 45 mins each to meet in the middle for a walk. But so far I have no reason not to keep chatting.

@WeWantTheFinestWines yes 3 months almost....! Think I’m going to go with something about apps first - maybe ‘I’m thinking of deleting my profile and dating apps. What do you think?’ - would hopefully open up the other parts of the convo!

Sounds good about Mr Nuclear - how exciting

Yes @LongtimelurkerL - something like "I'm thinking of coming off the apps - are you still doing them?" when it fits in the conversation. If you see a look of fear in his eyes, he's still out there . I reckon he'll be thinking the same as you though.

@LongtimelurkerL I want to have the same conversation(s) with Mr TG so I’m glad you brought this up. Great advice as usual. It’s so hard to think of how to put these things and not come across as a weirdo.

@TheCatWithTheHat you’ve got some great advice which I agree with but just want to add that I came across my last iron Mr German on the apps after he cooled things with me because he was too busy with life and work stresses. It stung a lot that he said he wasn’t in the headspace to date when it was clear he just didn’t want to date me.
And it did reopen my obsession with why, what’s wrong with me etc etc that I went through at the time. It is crap when you see them again:(

Although something that made me feel better was he had his height as 5’ 11 when he is 5’ 8 max - makes him less like the one that got away and more like the rest of the fantasists 😂

@Mayzee Remember Rule 12!!
You are not a weirdo for having an adult conversation

So annoyed at myself...messaged the ghoster this evening! How pathetic. We'd never even met, only chatted for nearly a month - so why on earth have I allowed him into my head. Let's face it, he won't reply..so I don't know what I was hoping to gain. Someone give me a slap please

@havecourage8bekindave have a 🤚

Never message a ghoster because when he doesnt reply you will feel worse.

Block his number, delete his number and all the messages and move on with grace

@sortingitout thanks for the slap, I needed that!! Blocking the number right now!!

@havecourage8bekind Even if he apologised and asked to keep chatting would you actually want to? You'd be worrying all the time he would do it again.

@Mayzee sorry to hear you went through a similar thing. It is crap isn't it... Especially as it was a year ago this week that I first met Miss H for our first date, and that's bringing back a lot of memories of our first few weeks together.

@havecourage8bekind we've all been there and done that I'm sure, so only a mildly stern look from me

I've also had a chat with Miss Forest, and we've agreed to call it a day. It's a little sad, but as I've found with Miss H far better to do it now than several months down the road when feelings are stronger.

And other news, it looks like I've got a date on Saturday with Miss Spark, who I've really enjoyed chatting to the last couple of days.

Hi everyone...just catching up!

Sorry to all those who have been ghosted / messed about etc 😔

I've not been on any apps for a while, just can't bring myself to do it. I either seem to attract the 'overbearing' stalking types or get ghosted / messed about. Why is it so hard to find a middle ground! Plus I don't find many men attractive and the ones I do don't like me back.

I really want to meet someone though...argh. I'm completely holding myself back for some reason.

@bangheadhere40 totally agree and feel for you. I've had a look but really dont see much out there worth bothering about. Someone messaged me and said he lives 5 min walk from his ex. It just ocurred to me that they lived together and he was trying to be clever. Big sigh. On the plus side, my home is tidier and the children seem happy and thriving!

I'm finding the same - have been swiping a bit, although my heart isn't really in it, but there are so few profiles that appeal.

Seeing Miss H again on the app has really hit me - I'm still struggling with it to be honest, and finding it really hard to get her out of my head. It's not helped by the fact she looked really good in her profile photos, and makes me remember how much I fancy her.

I know no good will come of it, and it'll just make me look a bit sad, but I still have a strong urge to get in touch to ask what changed. Last night I went back over our WhatsApp messages around the time I last saw her, and can see a difference from how she was before that date, and after, so it seems something happened while I was with her but I have no idea what. I know I need to leave it and move on, but it's proving tough to do. I think I need a virtual slap (or hug).

@TheCatWithTheHat what about just thinking about playing it cool till she contacts you properly? I'm sure she will at some point. I've been guilty of making an effort too but I'm sure it's better to let them come to you. You could perhaps then drop into the chat that you thought you had great fun together, what did she think of maybe rekindling stuff. Say it in a fun, jokey way rather than needy way.

I'm not sure she will - she obviously doesn't see anything long term with me, and for whatever reason decided to end it. Maybe the situation with her DC was just an excuse, or a trigger for her to act on something she'd been thinking about for a while. I just wish I knew why - but like others have said, I'll just drive myself mad trying to figure it out. Although part of me thinks that if I ask and find out why, then at least I'll have some closure.

The last message I sent said I'm not looking to rekindle things long term, but I'm happy to just meet as friends, although we did have fun so it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world if things heated up. She hasn't replied, so I just need to leave it now as she knows I would like to see her again and the ball is in her court.

@TheCatWithTheHat, I wonder why you are struggling so much with accepting that it looks like Miss H isn't keen to resume contact. I imagine seeing her on the app is difficult. I'm sure I would take something like that quite personally. Maybe her reasons for backing off were genuine in November but her circumstances have eased up since. And she's online looking again although maybe just to pass time or get some interaction ? I am sure some of us have been in a position with a relationship where you know it's not ultimately what you want and tried to part company on as good terms as possible. Someone a couple of days ago mentioned Miss H was trying to be kind rather than blunt. As an outsider it reads like it's time for you to look forward and not back. I'm not sure I'd benefit from hearing why someone didn't feel I was ' the one'.