Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ah, I feel bad for using that example now, sorry!

About me smelling funny? Oh, don't feel bad at all - you've done me a favour!

It's made me think about it, and check - and turns out it's true! So I can do something about it now, and not subject anyone else to it.

I saw a previous iron back on the apps for the first time last night since he was an Iron. He was another time waster who basically ghosted me after wed slept together. I called him out on it but never heard again so deleted etc and moved on. His profile was same save that he's added at the end "looking for someone in shape" - have to admit it stung a bit as I'm not and hard not to think it was aimed at me - am resisting urge to amend mine to add "looking for someone that doesn't live like a squatter and whose best/only move is the Jack hammer (of which they are weirdly proud of)" 😆

@Slothmomma no, doubt it was at you. It does make me laugh when men say they want someone lithe etc. Surely there's a better way to say it plus these blokes are never in shape themselves. Everyone seems quite deluded!!

@Slothmomma hope that read 'no, I doubt it was you' rather than 'no doubt it was you!'

eesha don't worry i read it as intended 😁

[quote Eesha]@Slothmomma no, doubt it was at you. It does make me laugh when men say they want someone lithe etc. Surely there's a better way to say it plus these blokes are never in shape themselves. Everyone seems quite deluded!![/quote]
Yep, I agree - if a bloke is very clear in their profile about wanting someone fit/slim they are almost always overweight themselves and will describe themselves as "Athletic looking" or "toned".

I follow a guy on social media who has been quite derogatory about some of the women that contact him saying "Ugh, as if i'd go out with them?". His main picture is VERY artfully done (taken at a flattering angle and taken a fair few years ago), it's in no way a true representation of what he looks like in real life and he is quite frankly a knob of the highest order - he should be grateful for any interest at all! He wonders why none of his dates want a second one, I'm itching to tell him

@Heartbeats0708

A quick question, are any of you in touch with exes? Not like exh's you share kids etc with, more ex irons/fwbs that you don't have a 'reason' to stay in contact with.

depends - sort of but very much on my terms.

There's the ex too who I was supposed to see today and I think I'm subconsciously making an excuse not to see him.

The SA virus is virulent and spreading around my area right now (certain area of London) which doesn't make it easier plus pavements are lethal.

newnamenora - agree with you about men who are athletic and slim etc wanting someone the same!

At least the person you follow on social media is honest about how nasty he is in real life!

Slothmamma - ignore that iron - if people ghost and make nasty comments even if not directed at you then it's their issue not yours.

TheCatWithTheHat - smelling funny in any way - I really would say something to them - maybe subtly - but even if teeth etc - there's a way to say it which isn't offensive. So if someone said that to you, as long as it's said sensitively I wouldn't see that as an issue. Also depends how much you like someone, if you like them even as a friend rather than iron etc but someone says that to you - at least you know it's from a place of kindness.

Will just tell you lot here about a funny experience over past couple of days see below:-

Iron messages me - not my usual type and bangs on about how many properties he has etc - seems super confident but a bit cocky with it. Basically to try him as rest of guys on site aren't in his league. You're only on OKC mate I thought - it's not a paid site but whatever!

I mentioned to him kind of jokingly that he wasn't 'average' build in his pics and then we chatted again and it descended on his side (he wanted to meet me very near where I lived etc - and then after barely knowing me made loads of assumptions about me and then spat that I was only a secretary (actually a PA/EA but whatever) and got really nasty with other barbs. I can't recall if I said I didn't think we should meet etc.

But then same night last night a lovely personal trainer was messaging me - very polite - a bit cheeky but good connection.

@CleverCatty out of interest, how would you phrase it re "there's a way to say it which isn't offensive"
I'm going to see how comms goes over the weekend and try to get it more on my terms I think.

Not really dating related, but I've got myself booked in for a dental checkup next week It's a tough one, as I'd find it really hard to mention it out the blue to someone if they smelt funny in any way. I wouldn't be offended if someone told me, but I would find it a bit embarrassing and awkward.

So I just asked a previous iron if they noticed anything about it when they were with me, and they told me they had. I'd probably have been oblivious if it hadn't come up on this thread, so am glad it did.

I'm still in the "waking up early thinking of Miss H" stage, so feeling rather sad still. I am looking forward to meeting Miss Spark tomorrow though.

Is everyone else sick of adverts for Valentine's Day? It's even worse for me, as that was the day a year ago where Miss H and I DTD for the first time, so yet another memory for me to try and forget.

[quote Heartbeats0708]**@CleverCatty* out of interest, how would you phrase it re "there's a way to say it which isn't offensive"*
I'm going to see how comms goes over the weekend and try to get it more on my terms I think.[/quote]
Heartsbeat0708 - tactful?!

if it's relating to the ex irons/FWB etc - for me it depends if you're still speaking to them, do you need to speak to them etc? Sometimes you don't need to say anything at all just let it peter out naturally. Then you don't need 'the talk' like you'd do with the ex. I mean, you don't really owe them anything but for me depends if you've met up, had dates etc as to what/how you say things to them.

For people I haven't met up with yet I just try to be nice - 'nice talking, not sure whether we'd get on IRL/or met someone else etc, good luck' I think if you're honest that's ok.

Oh sorry @CleverCatty I think we've got our wires crossed, I meant how would you phrase tactfully that there was something off-putting like smelling funny!

@Heartbeats0708

Oh sorry *@CleverCatty* I think we've got our wires crossed, I meant how would you phrase tactfully that there was something off-putting like smelling funny!

oh right - definitely wires crossed LOL!

Hmmm - if seeing him and having sex - then suggest showering together first, you could buy him a nice shower gel/soap or maybe buying an aftershave or deodorant.

If that doesn't work I wouldn't actually say they smell funny - I would say 'you smell really nice when you use Old Spice/Lynx/Radox Fresh/Imperial Leather soap' or whatever you've given him to use and see if he picks up on that. If they mention to you that someone else has mentioned they've smelled strange in the past I might very tactfully say something but only keep it very brief. Hope that helps!

@TheCatWithTheHat

Not really dating related, but I've got myself booked in for a dental checkup next week It's a tough one, as I'd find it really hard to mention it out the blue to someone if they smelt funny in any way. I wouldn't be offended if someone told me, but I would find it a bit embarrassing and awkward.

So I just asked a previous iron if they noticed anything about it when they were with me, and they told me they had. I'd probably have been oblivious if it hadn't come up on this thread, so am glad it did.

I'm still in the "waking up early thinking of Miss H" stage, so feeling rather sad still. I am looking forward to meeting Miss Spark tomorrow though.

Is everyone else sick of adverts for Valentine's Day? It's even worse for me, as that was the day a year ago where Miss H and I DTD for the first time, so yet another memory for me to try and forget.

Cat

Bless you re waking up early and thinking of Miss H - it's tricky when that happens but hopefully meeting Miss Spark will go well, fingers crossed for you.

I've got used to adverts for Valentine's Day now where I've either been single or recovering from my divorce (ex-DH went all on on V Day with lots of attention like presents, meals out etc). I also broke up with an ex near V Day and I just went out and had drinks then and flirted with a few men to get attention.

Cat - re you and Miss H DTD on V Day - yes still rather raw, and hard to forget, I'd be similar to you probably remembering it.

@TheCatWithTheHat i think I'll be reading the Mr Unavailable book on Valentine's. And I've asked my children what they want to do/eat. So it will be jumbo hot dogs and decorating cupcakes!!! WOOHOO!!!

As MrC and I have agreed to detach a bit due to differing relationship goals it’s mission impossible to avoid sending flirty chatty messages and actually detach properly.

I can’t be arsed to go on apps now but he might be so that adds another layer of weirdness.

wouldn’t mind a sneaky Valentine’s Day kiss though

I’ll be here with you lovelies on Valentine’s Day I expect. @eesha that sounds adorable cupcakes and happy little people - enjoy!

Valentines day will be just another day here - been single 4 years now and not sent or received a card in that time. I'm more excited about pancake day to be honest 😆

This is my first Valentine's alone in a very long time, I don't mind though it's no big deal really. I might buy myself some flowers though, just because.
I've had that before @SleepyBunk where you're not seeing each other but not not seeing each other til some indeterminate time in the future, when one of you usually meets someone else. It's a strange limbo!

Lol @Heartbeats0708 that’s just it.

We haven’t like fallen out major or anything

but I think we’re both mindful that if we bond/commit any more then the fundamental life goals differences will crop up.

I don’t have the energy to go on the apps but I imagine MrC is looking for someone a bit more “local and wanting to settle down and not so into intellectual arty self actualisation who wants children soon”.

Which is fine as that’s not someone I want to be or a role that I’d be happy in.

But he still finds me attractive. As do I him.

And of course there’s lockdown loneliness etc and if I messaged him he’d send an Uber round and we’d be in bed within an hour

Plus if he does meet someone new they have to deal with him disappearing for work very soon.

I think I’ll just take things one day at a time

it’s easy to think “I should give him a chance to meet someone new so only contact him once every other Sunday and not put smiley faces in case he thinks I’m being flirty”

but that’s just overthinking - we’re both decent people and what will be will be.

If contact peters out of has to adjust because he or I meets a new person it’s not the end of the world

Sounds like you're both being pretty sensible about it all @SleepyBunk so why not? In my situation feelings were too heavily involved already so it was impossible to get back to the point where you are. I think if you can be mature about it and enjoy it for what it is then that's excellent!

@Eesha hot dogs and cupcakes sounds awesome!

@Slothmomma I'm with you on pancake day! Not sure I'll do any this year though, as it doesn't seem as much fun alone.

Well Miss Spark has cancelled tomorrow. We've been chatting, and it turns out an experience I had with my ex (we tried a swingers club) has really put her off - apparently our moral compasses don't align. It's a shame, as we were getting on really well, and both looking forward to it.

@TheCatWithTheHat oh no, that's really rubbish. It's interesting she got put off, how do you feel about that?. What I really liked about Mr Yoga is he knew all about things I'd done in the past and we were both really open. I've always thought I would never share things with potential boyfriends in case they did get put off and doubt I will share in future!

thecatwiththehat thats a shame about miss spark 😕

The iron that I thought went quiet earlier in the week after my audio message has gone quiet again. He seemed a bit off last night so I said I'd let him chill and say goodnight and he could message today if he wanted. I didn't send my usual morning message so so far have heard nothing despite him having been online so looks like another none starter

Caught up with the thread at last! Took a break from MN for January, just needed to hunker down, so new username but just a bit extended from the old one. Greetings all.

@eesha you sound so measured and brave (and right) about Mr Yoga, I take my woolly hat off to you. Enjoy your lovely children, take what you can from Mr Unavailable etc then, when you're ready to go back on the apps, there's going to be a lucky man who fully deserves you, I'm sure.

@TheCatWithTheHat I remember of old how you struggled to move on from Miss C, it does seem to be a pattern for you. I'm sorry you're feeling down and now paranoid too! No doubt the dentist will sort you out. I'm sure it's not that bad, please try not to dwell too much.

@clovertoast I really, really hope you have broken free now.

I hadn't seen Mr GN (Fabswingers FWB now DP whooo!) since before Christmas due to lockdown, but he turned up today as a total surprise with a Valentine gift and we spent the day in bed (sorry, Covid rules went straight out of my head - I've just realised how bad that sounds!). My goodness I've missed him, what a wonderful man he is. I feel amazing and I just had to share as no-one IRL wants to know!

Also got an utterly filthy Valentine card from an old FWB, Mr Mad, who I still keep in contact with due to our shared fascination with rude political memes. It's lovely that we are now friends properly. At one point I would have liked to take things further with him - he is funny and clever, and bloody marvellous in bed - but it was not to be (as he is bonkers!) and I'm glad.

Everything may yet go tits up with Mr GN or whatever, but I've learned to revel in days like this when life is just great