Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@TheCatWithTheHat why didn't you see a long term thing with her? I think sex can be a huge aphrodisiac so maybe that's behind your feeling now. You've got out there dating and realised quickly the sex was better with Miss H and suddenly everything else seemed better too! If you've already asked her today about drinks and she has said no, then time to move on. Why didn't she see a future?

It's not the best comparison but my ex FWB wants me to come back, no doubt for the sex, but I'm looking for much more so I always dissuade him. Sometimes I do get in contact to just feel like I'm wanted again but at the end of the day, I'm looking for someone with longer term prospects for me.

MrC and I are kind of breaking things off but staying in touch as friends - he’s seeing the big 4-0 coming and doesn’t want to be unmarried and childless and I’m hoping to move/travel and no miniBunks for me.

We considered dating till I know for certain my plans but sex/intimacy would be a bit too complicated/intimate.

Plus he’s going to be away for a chunk of the year anyway so me being on a promise then moving myself seems a bit too much!

It’s sad of course, but also quite nice for us both to have dealt with things in a fairly mature and pleasant way.

@Eesha It was for several reasons - she didn't have a huge amount of free time (due to shift work and her DC) and never gave any indication she wanted something serious. I did ask what she was looking for a couple of times, and she never told me.

It was easy being in her company, and we had a few things in common, but weren't really soulmates. However I grew fonder of her over time, and did start to think I would like things to develop. I always enjoyed her company and felt very close to her when we were together.

At the start of last year she had a lot more free time, but it became harder to see each other during the summer, and we went from seeing each other weekly to sometimes not seeing each other for 2/3 weeks towards the end of the year. She was in contact less too, so maybe had been slowing drifting away for a month or two beforehand.

Towards the end, I did show my feelings a bit more - buying her flowers for the first time, and a few little thoughtful gifts. Maybe she just wanted casual and that freaked her out, or it made her realise I wasn't for her.

I think I'll have to move on - although still confused as to why she ended it, as I am wondering if it was something I did or didn't do. I'm assuming she's still attracted to me, after she said we'd probably end up in bed together if we did meet. I just think it's a shame she couldn't be honest about why she didn't want to see me anymore, and also that she doesn't feel like we can meet even as friends even though she's happy to message once in a while.

That's why I didn't really see a long term future - I have no idea why she felt that. All she said when she ended it was that she didn't see us having a long term future, and she didn't have any feelings for me (harsh!).

cat if a had a pound for every time someone said they didn't want anything serious/long term and then acted as if that was exactly what they wanted... I think it can be hard, when you like someone, to tear yourself away, even if you know you are not as into it as they are. We all enjoy the rush of someone being into us, great sex, etc and it's hard to let go of it to protect the other person's feelings. She's told you how she feels and she is careful not to lead you on - I think she's trying to do the right thing, knowing she can't give you what you want, even if she still likes you. It doesn't look like anything good can come of it...

and she doesn't want either of us to get hurt. So I guess she wasn't trying to resurrect things after all, but this has left me a bit confused. When she ended it, she said that she didn't have any feelings for me, although liked my company and fancied me - but if that was the case, I don't understand why she'd be worried about getting hurt, as surely that would only happen if she did have feelings for me?

She meant you. She doesn't want you getting your hopes up and getting hurt. She clearly fancies you enough for a shag but doesn't see a relationship, but she thinks you are probably seeing it as more than that.

She said herself too, which is what confused me.

I don't think I did anything to suggest I saw it as long term - we never arranged anything more than the next date, and didn't talk about taking it to the next level. I was even still on the apps at times and occasionally chatting to people, and I'm sure she was too as I noticed her profile change slightly a couple of times.

But I was developing more feelings during the last few months, although things were so sensual and intimate I was sure she was feeling the same. But it wasn't on the same level as the feelings I had for my long-term ex, or Miss C a year ago - both of whom I know I couldn't stay in touch with.

The more I think about it, the more I'm wondering why she did decide to end it - I do sometimes have a tendency to flog dead horses, but I do feel I want to know the truth so I can get some closure. I remember getting quite frustrated at times and thinking I'd be better off walking away, as she seemed to be in touch less and I wanted more. If that ties in with her not feeling it, then I'll know next time around that I should walk earlier.

In hindsight, I'd be happy to go back to how things were - just hanging out occasionally and enjoying each others company without any pressure. Or even just popping in for a cup of tea would be nice. But deep down I know I'm better off focussing on meeting someone I can have a future with. Just a shame I can't have both, but I guess that's life...

She included herself to soften the blow. Some people are kind like that.

She could feel you intensifying which is why she was backing off towards the end. You might not know how you communicated this, but somehow you did.

You just have to accept what she has said and not keep wondering 'but why did she really?'. You'll drive yourself insane.

I agree - I think she probably did feel me intensifying, and part of that was definitely a reaction to her being in contact less frequently - whether that was intentional, or just because her life was becoming busier, or a combination of both. But when we spent time together there was no sign of her having doubts.

When we were together, it was nice - but like good friends with a great physical chemistry and not as soulmates. So that's why I think it would be possible to stay in touch as friends.

The daft thing is that all along I knew she wasn't the one, and was thinking I should walk away myself at times. Yet I'm finding myself missing her from my life far more than I probably should.

I also know I should just accept it, and leave things. But part of me really wants to just ask and find out the real reason just so I can get some closure.

Cat If I were you I would just leave it. She may not even know the answer herself. I had a relationship like this for 18 months. Got on really well, great physical chemistry but ultimately he was unable to give me what I needed, and genuinely I think he didn't know the reason why. We carried on seeing one another for a while 'as friends' but that inevitably led to physical. We now limit contact by phone.

In other news, idiot from FB Dating phoned me at gone midnight last night and woke me up!!

catwiththehat don't torture yourself over this or seek any more answers. She told you she didn't have feelings so isn't that the answer and your closure. I've ended things with an iron before despite enjoying his company and having amazing sex with him because I knew I didn't actually feel anything for him and didn't see a future. It happens. I think you should take what she's told you as your closure

Sorry to be so behind on the thread - super busy with work!!! Sorry to hear @TheCatWithTheHat that sounds really tough - fingers crossed you feel better soon.

Hope everyone is well - @Eesha how are you?

Things progressing nicely here with MrLW - now feels like time to have the coming off apps/what are we chat - any tips?? I've never had it before which has ended badly with me thinking one thing and them another/situationships

@LongtimelurkerL, great to hear your update. I don't think I ever had the 'are you off the apps ?' conversation as such. But if you feel the need to then maybe give it another week or two and see if he says anything. I know some would say that the conversation is necessary though, just to check that you are both viewing things in the same way.

@TheCatWithTheHat its not nice but some great advice here. I would try and move on. You haven't mentioned your current iron at all and seems like because that isn't working, you are pining for one that did seem to work. I would hate seeing an ex iron on the apps if it were me!!

@LongtimelurkerL glad your LW is going well, it was worth all that waiting!!. I guess I would probably say to him that I'm not one to multidate, but does he feel the same? How long have you known each other now?

@LongtimelurkerL thanks for checking in. I didn't really want to post much about it. Mr Yoga and I have continued messaging since Friday. He's been much more open about his autism, the fact that it's caused mini breakdowns in the past, anger stuff and how it completely runs through his entire family. He's at the start of his journey really and he's opened up about feeling really down for a while about it. There is no romantic chat and I can tell he's still struggling but truthfully I'm happy when we text, it's like a small link to what we once had.

I'm keeping one eye on the apps but not holding out much hope. What I liked about Mr Yoga was that we started off as friends and i think that suits me well. However thats hard with the apps. I think once lockdown ends and the kids are back at school, I'll be a bit more enthusiastic about things.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 and @Eesha - it's weird because we've been chatting and then walking since end of October but only 'proper' dating or whatever you might call it (!) for 2.5 weeks (but have seen each other 4 times in that time (single parent so can't do more but basically all my free times) - i'm pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else but just don't want to get heart broken because I didn't ask/but also not be a weirdo

Thanks all for the great advice again. I'm trying really hard to act on it! Although I can still feel a temptation to get in touch with her to ask why which I know is pointless. It would all have been fine if I hadn't seen her on the app yesterday though... that has really kicked me in the guts.

I guess I'm just feeling rejected all over again now it's clear the reason she gave me wasn't the real reason, and she does want to date other people again. It's strange - even though she wasn't right for me, I feel hurt that she didn't think I was right for her.

Saying that, I do still believe that I could happily just be friends so I'm quite disappointed she doesn't think we could do even that. Maybe that will change in the future though.

My current iron Miss Forest hasn't been in touch much, but I think that's more due to her being busy with various projects and family. No mention either of when she'd be free to meet up again, which is exactly what frustrated me with Miss H.

I've also been speaking to a new iron from Tinder - will call her Miss Spark. We really seemed to click when we spoke on the phone earlier in the week (for almost 2 hours - unheard of for me!) and have a fair bit in common. Plus she doesn't have kids, so much more flexible with her free time.

@LongtimelurkerL, I think Eesha's suggestion about saying that you aren't one for multi-dating is the best idea. I don't think he will have a problem with that conversation and if he does then it tells you something about him and how he views you or dating in general.
@Eesha, really pleased to hear that you and Mr Y are in contact. It may not include romantic chat at the moment but it's good that your instincts about the situation and him are proving correct.

@LongtimelurkerL glad things are finally going well with your walking guy! I don't think it's unreasonable to mention about dating others given the current Covid situation.

@eesha - sounds good-ish with Mr Y - good he's back in contact - hope it goes smoothly and he just needs some time. @Onesmallstep67 @eesha i'm almost 100% sure he isn't dating anyone else - is there a difference between that chat and are we boyfriend/girlfriend???

@TheCatWithTheHat thanks! Pretty sure he's not dating others - this is more can I combine all three chats in one

@LongtimelurkerL, I wish I had a really easy and super chilled way for you to put it to him about how you feel and what you want to say ! Which one of the 3 things are you most keen to establish ? I think it's clear that he is keen. It seems he is also pretty Covid conscious as that seemed to impact his behaviour whilst on walking dates. maybe something along the lines of - ' I'm really enjoying getting to know you and I just wanted to say that I am off the apps as in general I don't feel comfortable multi-dating or even chatting to other guys. Is he not someone who brings these things up ? Presumably not.

@LongtimelurkerL i think sometimes it's good to clarify these things. Mr Yoga brought this up early on with me and I was happy we were on the same page.

No I think with Mr Yoga, he's got way too much on his plate and I'm looking for more from a partner. Unfortunately, with his situation, it's too much for me to handle. I have toddlers to consider when making decisions about romantic attachments.

@Onesmallstep67 given how the interactions have gone so far I think he's quite shy about bringing that sort of thing up - which I am naturally too but have been stung in the past - err I don't know - probably where this is going/if it's likely to become a girlfriend/boyfriend thing - because i'm pretty sure of the exclusive/at least not sleeping with other people aspect and he doesn't appear to be using the apps. Thanks @eesha - what did he say/bring up? That makes sense and sounds like a very sensible decision

@LongtimelurkerL Mr Yoga said he was seeing only me and told me he wasn't the type to multi date. He says he had done it when younger and inevitably someone had gotten upset once you started sleeping with others. So he said he wanted to see how it went with me. I was happy although I had always said I hadn't been on many dates and wasn't the type of talk to loads. We were pretty open and honest from the start.