Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

All of what you state resonates with me. I get
Semi literate messages that I cant work out. Loads of them. So many I have come to the conclusion there is a literacy problem in my age group.
I get unmatched too. Lots of times either on whatsapp or the apps. I have had a weeks worth of conversation and then been unmatched.
I find if I dont respond immediately I soon see the true colours.
'Reply no or I delete' actual words
' please text' after repeating Hi about 300 times
'Just a fake like all the women on here'

The majority of men send slightly pushy messages about 'its cold I need a hug/can I come over for a cuddle/I really want to cuddle you or suchlike. Usually I get unmatched when I ask if they would offer a woman a hug/cuddle/warmth while waiting in the queue for Tesco.
So many men think they have a control of their privilage and if they berate me for not answering, it just shows who they are and that would be a problem when they adopt the same approach in real life.
Im happy to be unmatched. Its a filter.
I literally will not put in any other effort beyond politeness to start with.

Long time lurker here - anyone tried Facebook Dating? I'm not new to OLD but have only just tried it. Matched with a seemingly nice man last night and he gave me his number within a few messages and asked me to phone which I did - he said he was busy and would phone me back but it got late so said he would tonight. Messaged tonight to say he would phone but still hasn't - why, just why? I've had some decent relationships from OLD but at the moment it seems all the idiots are around

I think Facebook dating must only be on the app, I don't use the app and can't see it on the web page.

People do that sort of thing all the time - they just love the idea that you are hanging around waiting to hear from them. Block his number and move on.

I'm finding the ups and downs on here very emotional. How you think you've got to know someone, and then bam! Gone. So hard not let your confidence get knocked and keep shrinking... and knowing that it's better now than later is still scant consolation at the time.

Despite that, I'm finding myself chatting to someone who is eloquent, intelligent, asks questions, gives great comms but not too much, is a fellow visitor to these shores, is politically on my team, which is important to me. He lives 1.5 hours away which is tricky because I'll have to lie to my kids if I meet up with him cos I'd be gone much longer than my usual walk and I'm not telling them about anyone until it's serious. He's not particularly good looking but has a friendly smiley face. All his photos are head shots only so I'm now getting really worried that he's short! I know short doesn't work for me, I've been there. And I can't just come out and ask him. I'll have to hope I can make it fit into a chat... I'll call him Mr Nuclear.

@AreWeOrAreWeNot i think i said before that my best friend got loads of interest on Facebook dating. I suspect many were catfishes only because of the type of men she likes (extremely hot!) and a few just flaked last minute. I think treat it like any other site, with a pinch of salt!

@WeWantTheFinestWines stay positive about Mr Nuclear till you meet him. Decent, nice people are hard to find.

I've not tried facebook dating, but I've heard mixed reviews generally.

Well, MrPosh is back texting again like he used to - lots of back and forth messaging just like before, this is after about 10 days of near zero contact.
I had just got my head round that being done and dusted, now remembering how much I liked him again.

@Greyandrare123

All of what you state resonates with me. I get Semi literate messages that I cant work out. Loads of them. So many I have come to the conclusion there is a literacy problem in my age group. I get unmatched too. Lots of times either on whatsapp or the apps. I have had a weeks worth of conversation and then been unmatched. I find if I dont respond immediately I soon see the true colours. 'Reply no or I delete' actual words ' please text' after repeating Hi about 300 times 'Just a fake like all the women on here' The majority of men send slightly pushy messages about 'its cold I need a hug/can I come over for a cuddle/I really want to cuddle you or suchlike. Usually I get unmatched when I ask if they would offer a woman a hug/cuddle/warmth while waiting in the queue for Tesco. So many men think they have a control of their privilage and if they berate me for not answering, it just shows who they are and that would be a problem when they adopt the same approach in real life. Im happy to be unmatched. Its a filter. I literally will not put in any other effort beyond politeness to start with.

I'm just seeing (or noticing?) that I seem to be getting unmatched more in lockdown, or maybe it's because I'm at home more?!

My pet hates are always men who put kisses (x), especially after the last Tinder idiot who was way overboard in his messages.

Agreed that some men seem to semi literate or just lazy.

@newnamenora

I've not tried facebook dating, but I've heard mixed reviews generally.

Well, MrPosh is back texting again like he used to - lots of back and forth messaging just like before, this is after about 10 days of near zero contact.
I had just got my head round that being done and dusted, now remembering how much I liked him again.

Just briefly - there's no way that I'd let someone like MrPosh message a lot after 10 days of near zero contact unless he'd had an emergency etc.

Most likely another woman has been messaging him inbetween.

There's just no chance I'd let myself be treated like a a toy he could play with.

@AreWeOrAreWeNot

Long time lurker here - anyone tried Facebook Dating? I'm not new to OLD but have only just tried it. Matched with a seemingly nice man last night and he gave me his number within a few messages and asked me to phone which I did - he said he was busy and would phone me back but it got late so said he would tonight. Messaged tonight to say he would phone but still hasn't - why, just why? I've had some decent relationships from OLD but at the moment it seems all the idiots are around

Totally agreed it seems like all the idiots are around (same as you had decent relationships from OLD).

To be fair to men doing OLD now, I think a lot of them (as well as us women) are fed up of the third lockdown, not being able to meet people properly etc - so that can unleash 'idiot syndrome'. Of course this isn't right, but I think a lot of men are feeling 'frustrated so they go on playing games mode.

I'm in agreement with clevercatty re mr posh - in fact with no coms for 10 days he'd have already been deleted so would have received a "sorry, who is this?" Response to his message 😁

Been having regular messaging with current iron. For the first time, this morning I decided to send a voice note good morning message - normally he will reply morning to normal messages within about 10 mins. Today I haven't heard a peep (been 2 hours now) so assuming my accent may have put him off 🤦‍♀️😆

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Hope you get some decent fusion with MrNuclear

(Gets coat).

MrC and I have had a little falling out (nothing bitter or unpleasant) though I don’t want to do anything till my interviews are over

I think in a way it’s good as he’s kind of brought up directly that he is solidly aiming for the marriage and kids reasonably soon.

He wants me but he also wants the nuclear family set-up soon.

so I suppose my presence in his life (I’m 100% childfree by choice/want to move around the world etc) is confusing matters.

I’ll schedule a phone call or coffee when I’m clear. Find a way forward.

@havecourage8bekind

Sorry MrSpaniel was a dud after the chat🙁

Be kind to yourself and this type of stuff happens to everyone

I personally can find it a little bit helpful not to get “excited excited” till time has passed and things have actually solidified a bit.

A lot of encounters give good initial contact/chat/ first few dates then fizzle out - I’d say that’s pretty much the social norm for apps and online dating?

I’ve been screened out by guys I felt were relatively keen to meet/who seemed to find me very attractive/enjoyed first meet etc. Nothing’s real till it’s real.

Annoying but just the way things are - being open and optimistic but not over-investing seems the best way!

Conversely, I’ve found guys I thought a bit too flaky/terse/boyish with communication (MrMilitary) have pleasantly surprised me with their emotional longevity.

It’s definitely quite an adrenaline rush communicating with new cool people (especially now with the lockdown - and I know personally if I’m lonely having a friendly attentive voice can mean the world to me!).

But in terms of trustworthiness they’re all complete strangers really to us till time has passed!

@newnamenora definitely Mr Posh had someone in between. I would also keep my options open and try and keep it casual or at least pull him up on it.

I had a nosey on Tinder and realised men I swiped on seemed to be considered 'popular' as a message pops up saying so. I actually thought they were ok rather than wow. Does that mean everyone is vying for the small 1% of reasonable looking people? Had the ex husband of one of my distant friends swiping on me too. I'm sure he doesn't remember me and he's also knocked 10 years off his age. Still unattractive and unappealing. FWB still professing love and adoration but I can't go back. Funny as we had lots of fun at the time but now it just doesn't appeal.

@CleverCatty @Slothmomma - He did send a quick message to say he was busy mid-week last week and would "message properly later" and I do know that he has his hands full with a work project and caring duties in his bubble. But I think you are right in that he's messaging other women and keeping me dangling as a back up. I will play it cool and see what happens.

[quote newnamenora]**@CleverCatty* @Slothmomma* - He did send a quick message to say he was busy mid-week last week and would "message properly later" and I do know that he has his hands full with a work project and caring duties in his bubble. But I think you are right in that he's messaging other women and keeping me dangling as a back up. I will play it cool and see what happens.[/quote]
I just know from experience that if a man is really really interested in you then 10 days (e.g. a long period) with no contact means they have their eyes on other prizes. It takes a minute or so to send a message. People make time for you when they want to do so.

Had a return voice message 😁

@sleepybunk you're so right, I think it was the adrenaline rush of having this nice, good looking, funny guy giving me attention in a lonely pandemic that made me invest emotionally far too soon! Definitely learnt my lesson..I think he was a people pleaser, he used to apologise quite alot and said it was his bad habit - so I'm thinking instead of having an awkward chat about it not being okay that I'm married/separated..it was easier in his mind to block. It's all part and parcel..can't win them all lol! X

@slothmomma yay!! Don't you hate them highs and lows though? The feeling of "great I've put him off" and then the high of...oh wow he's text back. It drives me mad lol x

I think those of us advising caution about investing in people too soon or letting their absences go by unquestioned are the ones who have been around the thread for a while or have our own tales to tell of how these scenarios played out for us. There will always be people that disappear, that are not genuine or playing the field. You really do need to be pretty clued up and resilient to navigate OLD and the adage that it's not real until it is, is absolutely the truth. I think the backdrop of a pandemic though is making everything feel quite a bit more difficult than it should be understatement

havecourage I was only concerned because I have an accent that does put some people off but he seems to be made of stronger stuff 😆 he has a lovely voice which is a plus too 😁

@Slothmomma

havecourage I was only concerned because I have an accent that does put some people off but he seems to be made of stronger stuff 😆 he has a lovely voice which is a plus too 😁

Ah that's nice re the voice message! I do think you have to 'click' with voices, you have to like what they sound like.

The last man who emailed me was very 'South London' and I mentioned that to him...

I recall one man I was speaking to via texts - the one time he rang me (totally no warning, first time he spoke to me and just before I was due to start work) - he came across as quite nerdy (which isn't my type generally). I was more irritated that he'd just rang with no advance warning though and things went downhill after that!

Ok - so I'm seeing the man I dated for about 6 months and it ended December 2019 for a 'coffee/walk' on Friday - and I still like him - not sure how/if/what he likes me. Ugh, hate it when this happens.

CleverCatty Glad it isn't just me then. I am over 60 and am far too old for all the game playing. I was going to block him but decided not to as I didn't want to think he'd annoyed me - he hadn't - I just thought what a prat!! There seem to be a lot of men on FB with female names!!! There is a part of me that really enjoys the ups and downs of OLD but perhaps it's because I developed a very thick skin.

@Eesha sorry to see things didn't work out - hope you're feeling OK.

@havecourage8bekind that's so rude being blocked. Hopefully it won't put you off too much though, but I know I'd feel quite hurt if someone did that to me after a nice chat.

@AreWeOrAreWeNot I've been on Facebook dating for a couple of months now, and haven't really got on with it. I've only found a few women I've liked, and none of them have liked me back so haven't had any matches. Saying that, a friend of mine met someone lovely on there before Christmas, so it does work for some!

I saw Miss Forest at the weekend, and things were a little better, but still not brilliant in the bedroom. She's also really busy with her own stuff, so I'm not sure when we'll get to see each other again - possibly the weekend after next. I think I'm going to call it a day, as it's obvious I'm not going to be particularly high up her list of priorities, and there are too many red flags early on.

I did briefly pop back on to the apps and had a quick swipe earlier today, and noticed Miss H on Bumble. I actually feel quite down about that - not sure why, as deep down I knew it never had a long term future. I guess it's because she told me back in October that she didn't want to date at the moment due to her DC, and she wasn't looking to date anyone but clearly she actually meant she didn't want to date me. I feel a bit hurt by that.

I'd been in touch a few times since to wish her Happy Christmas and New Year etc... and she was always quick to reply and chatty. But then I left her to it as I didn't want to impose by always being the first to message - then she messaged me a week ago to ask me something random that she could easily have looked up on Google. Of course, I started to over-think things, and that she's obviously thinking of me. Part of me wants to message her and ask whether she fancies meeting up again. But I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea.

The thing that I miss is the sex - it was electric, and the couple of experiences I've had since have made me realise how good a physical connection we had.

@TheCatWithTheHat Hello! What actually happened with Miss H that it didn't work out? Do you think she got in touch to try and resurrect things with you softly softly? Perhaps she genuinely didnt want to date then but it's 4 months later now and maybe she is more ready. Personally I would reach out and see if there was any potential there.

Got my Unavailable book in the post today, I'm already sending I'm the rescuer, Arghhhh!

TheCatWithTheHat I have loads of matches but they are all just weird! Re: rekindling - I have found that normally they are having a bad day and are reaching out to someone they felt close too - hasn't ended well for me!

@Eesha at the time (early November) she told me that she didn't want to date me (or anyone) as she was dealing with a serious health issue with one of her DC, and was going through a very tough time so needed to focus on that. So I was surprised to see her back on the app today, and I'm guessing now it meant she just didn't want to date me. Although I've no idea why - we always had a good time together (I thought), and the physical side was amazing. I've been thinking back to the last time I saw her to see if there were any signs she wasn't happy, and honestly can't say there were.

I did wonder if there was any motive behind her messaging me last week. I've chatted to her today, and suggested meeting for a drink but she's said she doesn't think it would be a good idea as we'd most likely end up in bed, and she doesn't want either of us to get hurt. So I guess she wasn't trying to resurrect things after all, but this has left me a bit confused. When she ended it, she said that she didn't have any feelings for me, although liked my company and fancied me - but if that was the case, I don't understand why she'd be worried about getting hurt, as surely that would only happen if she did have feelings for me?

I'm just trying to figure out what I want, and why it hurt to see her back on the app. I didn't really see any long term future with her and she said the same about me - we just met up when she was free, and enjoyed each others company. But I've found I've missed her quite a bit.