Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Eesha I'm so sorry things with Mr Yoga have ended but it's really good that he actually spoke to you and explained how things are with him so you could make a decision.

You've developed some great boundaries by not jumping in to try and fix him.
When you're a fixer by nature its so hard not to jump in with help.

Have you had counselling after your abusive ex left?
I'm wondering if counselling might help you see why you are a fixer and why you attract men who need fixing?

My ex husband has depression and I tried to fix him for 19 years and obviously there was no fixing him and in that time I lost myself completely. I've said before on here that I will never have a relationship with someone with depression again, I cant put myself through the highs and lows again.

There is no shame in saying what you want and need.
A loving, supportive partner is out there and one day you will find him.

Eeeeek im on such a high! MrSpaniel and I had our first phone chat tonight and it was just effortless...we got on so well! Xx

@havecourage8bekind

Eeeeek im on such a high! MrSpaniel and I had our first phone chat tonight and it was just effortless...we got on so well! Xx

Ooh sounds exciting @havecourage8bekind😍 any plans for the dreaded walk?

I met Mr TG today and we had a lovely coffee, chat and kiss in my car. My wobble was for nothing again And we made plans for next weekend. So I’m happy tonight also

Glad for all the good meets/chats everyone

MrC meet made me smile - I consciously kept it fairly low-key with no big romantic expectations and was reminded of why I liked him.

Just a bit of a cuddle and a cup of tea, he had a random embarrassing household accident 😂

which was met with calmness and good humour

Recovered enough to walk me home (would have been happy for me to stay the night), so wasn’t picture postcard perfect but he was a gentleman and I could have stayed and cuddled and chatted all weekend

The fly in the ointment is he’s still a little bit of a workaholic and that means lots more away time.

when I posted last year when he was away for the summer you sensible threadies were good at making me think about this schedule issue and reserving my emotions a bit.

(I think as he liked me when we met he verbally underplayed the amount of away time - I’m not sorry I continued but it might not be sustainable)

So I guess it’s still one date at a time.

@mayzee Aw, I'm glad yours went well too! Me & MrSpaniel ended up talking again on the phone after I posted, so three hours in total followed by an hours texting.. We spoke about meeting but nothing in stone so we shall see! X

@sleepybunk that sounds like a lovely date! The workaholic thing is hard isn't it, how often is he away? X

@havecourage8bekind look at you here on the dating thread! That's great news with Mr spaniel!

Hi everyone, new here. Never done dating of any sort really as got with the ex when j was 18.

So I have an "iron" let's call him Mr Green - he works outdoors.
We've been chatting for a few weeks and are meeting for a walk today! I'm nervous! So nervous! Any tips or anything to keep nerves at bay? We've done phone calls and voice notes and have got on really well x

@Mayzee Glad you met Mr TG and had a good time.
Would it be worth exploring why you keep having wobbles? Is your attachment style anxious avoidant?
These adrenaline rushes of highs and lows are not good for you.

@havecourage8bekind Glad your phone calls went well, hopefully you can meet soon.

@WingingItAtLife Good luck with your walking date. Have an idea in your head of when you the date will end. Nothing worse than a crap date and not being able to get away. Or if you like him you want to leave him wanting more.
Just general chit chat is good, don't overshare and if you've ever been in an abusive relationship dont tell him.
To keep nerves at bay just imagine you're out with a friend and its not a date.

@wingingitatlife hoping I'm not jumping in too soon! But I think I was lonely for most of my marriage so feels even worse now x

@wingingitatlife ps good luck for today!!

@WingingItAtLife I’d agree with @SortingItOut - keep it shorter and don’t get too “deep” or personal with conversation - even if you get on great it’s nice to be both wanting more at the end?

I’d say you’re basically both scoping out how well you get on in person, if it’s worth setting up further meets.

@havecourage8bekind

Fingers crossed for a MrSpaniel meet

its cold weather where I am but there were loads of lovely looking couples out walking in city parks with coffees yesterday - everyone is like “hiking glam” right now and looking chic in their puffers

MrC works offshore on ships so earns extra money for signing up to more work

which means although his basic salary contract is a third of the year with the rest time off, he can ask to be away for big chunks of time apart from that, for extra pay.

We started dating last August, he was away after we’d been dating a month, five weeks turned into three months, back for Xmas then away again and just got back!

So although it seems like we’re in a longer solid dating situation it’s all been a bit “bitty” and we haven’t got to the “what are we” stage yet.

It kind of has suited me tbh as I’m not really looking to rush things with one person (In the past I’ve literally been someone’s girlfriend within a few weeks and it’s been a disaster...)

Long term I think he wants children and I don’t.

But I’m enjoying just his company and the romance for now (he fancies me a lot so he’s quite happy with the situation)

I used to be very black and white about relationships and think that they had to be perfect with all the parameters perfect and get very frustrated if they weren’t.

But as I get (a little bit) maturer I’m managing to take things at face value a bit more - even if I have a good respectful interaction for 1-2 years it’s cool.

@orzo15

Sounds awkward but I think it’s actually a blessing that you’ve said your piece and he’s told you - you can move on better now you know the situation?

I hate communicating directly as I prefer having secret crushes on people for ages

but as I get older, I do think there’s a lot to be said for knowing what the deal is ASAP in these “vague” situations? Cut through the mixed messages.

Of course no one likes rejection (ideally any communication needs to be appropriate and polite), but just saying something directly like checking if someone is single can sometimes be helpful ?

[quote SortingItOut]@Mayzee Glad you met Mr TG and had a good time.
Would it be worth exploring why you keep having wobbles? Is your attachment style anxious avoidant?
These adrenaline rushes of highs and lows are not good for you.

@havecourage8bekind Glad your phone calls went well, hopefully you can meet soon.

@WingingItAtLife Good luck with your walking date. Have an idea in your head of when you the date will end. Nothing worse than a crap date and not being able to get away. Or if you like him you want to leave him wanting more.
Just general chit chat is good, don't overshare and if you've ever been in an abusive relationship dont tell him.
To keep nerves at bay just imagine you're out with a friend and its not a date.[/quote]
@SortingItOut that is spot on. I’ve learned that yes I am anxious avoidant and it’s definitely something I need to work through. I didn’t know this until last years dating exploits exposed major anxieties in me. I’ve been thinking about therapy for a while, it’s something I need to prioritise.

@havecourage8bekind yay! Sounds really good!

@orzo15 better out than in! You were assertive and now you can move on. And you never know, the timing might not be right now but could be right later on.

@WingingItAtLife hope the walk goes well

@orzo15

Hurray for living in a cool big city!

I’m not on the apps as I find things move very fast on there (you know how you set up an account on Friday and by Saturday have six potential dates over the next three weeks to manage! )

and as well as MrC I have a few serious applications and work stuff to be doing over the next few weeks (plus an old iron from Xmas 2019).

So with the weird lockdown situation as well I’m going to just see how things look month by month.

I think a few years ago I’d have wanted relationship answers or “happy endings” but I’m beginning to chill a bit more and just take things day by day and week by week!

I’m not aiming to have children and I may be relocating for my own work reasons this year so I’m kind of after romance and love and connection but somewhere in between a serious relationship and something more casual?

That said, I’m a bit reticent to attach the “casual” label to any interaction or my dating intentions

as I think some guys take it as a green light to be really sex-obsessed and cold and unpleasant and judgemental (I know we’re in 2021 but sexist attitudes still persist) .
Guys on apps assume that if they say “casual” and I don’t want to get married with kids, then I’m subservient to them and won’t date other men and will be completely at their beck and call for instant hook-ups .

Or there’s associated sexist judgement that I see myself as “not good enough for a relationship” and I’ll therefore be trying to prove myself/win them over

(even if it’s mutually agreed - this really annoys me )

So I’m preferring to just communicate day by day and date by date and see what happens.

Both my irons are good to me but have their own thing going on this year and are fairly independent, so I don’t think they’re really motivated to push for a conclusion either!

Dipped toe back into online dating, as always a mixed bag, with more bad than good.

But this exchange takes the biscuit:

(it's Bumble so I get to speak first, I've stopped bothering to write a long, witty, opening message, but I always use their name)

Last night:
Me: Hi Fred, how are you?
Him: Fine thank you, and you?
(I didn't see that until this morning, so...)
Me: sort of brief chat about my day, the weather, going for a walk - have you got any plans?
Him: I'm new to this and don't know what I'm looking for.
(I have no idea how to respond to this, I didn't ask him what he was looking for, anyway, about an hour later...)
Him: So, that's that then.
Me: What did you want me to say to that? I'm not a counsellor.
(OK, I suppose this was a bit off, but really, what is an appropriate response to that? 'aw hun, let's just shag and see where it goes'? I'm 52 btw, he's 50)
Him: OK, sorry
(again, I'm not sure how to reply, so I leave it a while, I do have a bit of a life after all, I think I was unloading the dishwasher).
Him: you rude cow, maybe try weightwatchers before a dating app in future.

Ftr, I'm not overweight, not that it matters.

Sigh. Obviously I unmatched him.

But not before I had sent this: "lol, I think I got your number pretty quickly, I do like it when the trash takes itself out"

Serves me right I suppose, there was nothing in his profile so I should not have matched him, it's one of my rules usually.

But my usual bugbear is people who just don't carry the comnversation on.

Hi how are you?
Fine thanks.

The end.

I had one the other day who said "fine thanks I need to see a full length photo of you" - unmatched.

I'm a bit arsey, I know that, but they might as well get used to it early on.

@VanGoghsDog

That made me (and all the lurkers I’m sure -waves!) laugh!

Isn’t “I’m not sure what I’m looking for?” or “what are you looking for?” (along with 100% ignoring any normal conversational cues or small talk) meant to be some sort of lead into getting the woman to say hmm... she isn’t sure...she isn’t after a serious relationship?

So then the next step is “can you invite me over to yours with three hours notice for sex only based on my three photographs?”

[quote SleepyBunk]@VanGoghsDog

That made me (and all the lurkers I’m sure -waves!) laugh!

Isn’t “I’m not sure what I’m looking for?” or “what are you looking for?” (along with 100% ignoring any normal conversational cues or small talk) meant to be some sort of lead into getting the woman to say hmm... she isn’t sure...she isn’t after a serious relationship?

So then the next step is “can you invite me over to yours with three hours notice for sex only based on my three photographs?”[/quote]
Yes, exactly! It's nonsense, and they could at least exchange a few messages before trying it on! Dunno why he'd want me to respond anyway, or why he matched me, what with me being so fat and all....

Those of you on this thread,where are you going for dates? I cant even get many to even talk on the phone. Also there is abig part of me that's hesitant just sick of investing my time in losers

@VanGoghsDog

Dipped toe back into online dating, as always a mixed bag, with more bad than good.

But this exchange takes the biscuit:

(it's Bumble so I get to speak first, I've stopped bothering to write a long, witty, opening message, but I always use their name)

Last night:
Me: Hi Fred, how are you?
Him: Fine thank you, and you?
(I didn't see that until this morning, so...)
Me: sort of brief chat about my day, the weather, going for a walk - have you got any plans?
Him: I'm new to this and don't know what I'm looking for.
(I have no idea how to respond to this, I didn't ask him what he was looking for, anyway, about an hour later...)
Him: So, that's that then.
Me: What did you want me to say to that? I'm not a counsellor.
(OK, I suppose this was a bit off, but really, what is an appropriate response to that? 'aw hun, let's just shag and see where it goes'? I'm 52 btw, he's 50)
Him: OK, sorry
(again, I'm not sure how to reply, so I leave it a while, I do have a bit of a life after all, I think I was unloading the dishwasher).
Him: you rude cow, maybe try weightwatchers before a dating app in future.

Ftr, I'm not overweight, not that it matters.

Sigh. Obviously I unmatched him.

But not before I had sent this: "lol, I think I got your number pretty quickly, I do like it when the trash takes itself out"

Serves me right I suppose, there was nothing in his profile so I should not have matched him, it's one of my rules usually.

But my usual bugbear is people who just don't carry the comnversation on.

Hi how are you?
Fine thanks.

The end.

I had one the other day who said "fine thanks I need to see a full length photo of you" - unmatched.

I'm a bit arsey, I know that, but they might as well get used to it early on.

Omg I would have knocked the living shit out of this guy!!jesus!

I didn’t actually have a problem with the guys who were just quite open “I’m here for a hookup are you?” types.

Or who put clearly on their profiles some phrases that make it clear they’re here for sex only.

It’s the ones who try to play subtle little word games to trick women into thinking they want a more formal meeting/dating situation to get initial contact established, then try to steer it to “just invite me to yours for a “chat” for the first meet” who annoy me.

So after a really lovely phonecall tonight and texting this morning...he's blocked me!? All contact info has disappeared from WhatsApp & my latest message wouldn't deliver. I'm so not emotionally ready for this dating malarkey!! Good luck guys...I'm out lol x