Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@havecourage8bekind if its been a while of chatting and suggestions of a meet aren't acted upon fairly promptly / contact drops id get on and talk to others / assign him to the flakey/girlfriend/other zone. People who want to meet people- meet people.

@Clovertoast im curious. Objectively speaking, what keeps you going back to someone depressed who you cook for and who doesn't factor you into their plans? And if as you say you stopped going round there, you wouldn't see him at all.....like, what is in this for you besides catering to all his needs? Would you like someone to also cater to yours?

Off to see MrC tomorrow - he rang tonight and we were kind of mumbling about working out when to meet.

Really enjoyed talking to him but not sure if that’s just lockdown loneliness!

Not really sure what to expect really - I actually feel a bit romantically emotionally flat and have a lot on next week, so just a quick visit test the lie of the land. Probably won’t stay the night.

Have fun @SleepyBunk though you don't sound very keen- I can relate to the emotionally flat feeling, hopefully it's better for you in person.

Hope @Clovertoast and @Eesha are both alright, any plans/word from Mr P or Mr Y?

Enjoy today @SleepyBunk, as the phone chat was good I’m sure in person will be even better

I need some wise words from the experts on here😬 Things have been going fine with Mr TG but I’m getting a vibe this week that his interest is waning. There hasn’t been anything clear, still messaging both responding and initiating chats the same, I just have a gut feeling. I do fear though that I am projecting my anxieties around what happened with the previous two into this and this lockdown means all conversations/interactions seem a bit lacklustre.
Anyway, as usual, no suggestion of meeting up from him. He mentioned the rugby was on all weekend, I have my kids so him coming over is not an option. Conversation went on like this:
Me-I was going to suggest a car park coffee but I’ll leave you to your rugby
Him- that does sounds good though give me a shout if you are in (his town) over weekend
Me (already feeling a bit brushed off at this stage!) I’ll be there tomorrow but seriously if you want to chill at home it’s fine
Him let’s see what tomorrow brings no pressure either way -and then
My kids might make plans for me anyway!

So my reading of that is he’s not pushed about meeting, he’s already given himself an out and I’d have to ask yet again when I’m in his town to see if he fancies a coffee
I’m already feeling sensitive about always suggesting meet ups (as posted last week) so this has pissed me off, a lot.
I’m not going to message again about the coffee. If I hear from him this morning I’ll see what he says but I don’t expect to. I know I need to speak to him but I’d rather do it face to face and that means me suggesting meeting again🙄
I had all these vibes about been slow faded with Mr German and I was right so of course I’m worried again. I like this man.
Any thoughts or just talk sense into me?

Hi @Heartbeats0708, thanks for asking! Mr Yoga actually got in touch yesterday for something and I took the opportunity to have the chat about what was happening and whether this was ghosting. It was very open and communicative but the crux was that he's going through a lot with his autism and really at the start of trying to understand it. The old me would have jumped in 'because I love him' but I can see the red flags that this will be a tough journey to be on with him. Added to that, he's trying to work out whether this all contributed to the demise of his long term relationship so again, there is a lot of historic baggage with her/them there rather than focussing on me/us. He's in a tough position mentally and I don't envy him at all. I'm not sure whether we will stay in touch. Nothing was said and the chat just ended when we fell asleep. It's not like he wants anyone else right now but I wouldn't want to be friends and then see him With someone else.

There's definitely still that connection but after reading these mumsnet threads where people have these wonderfully supportive partners, I don't see why I can't have that either. I've tended to attract quite broken men who I think see me as loving/maternal but don't give me what I want back, ie stability and reliability. I would hope that is out there for me when I'm ready.

@Eesha
I'm sorry things haven't worked out the way you wanted with Mr Yoga. You sound like a truly lovely person and I'm sure the relationship you want will be out there for you. I know I found reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl really helpful. Not so much to help me understand why the men behaved as they did, but to help me understand why I was picking these men and sticking with them. I think as women and mums we are quick to fall into the fix it role. That doesn't make us bad or weak, but it can be exploited or keep us hanging around bad situations longer than we should, IMHO.

@Mayzee, I don't read any negativity in the text exchange between you and Mr TG. If he does enjoy the rugby then he might have been hoping that you wouldn't suggest a time to meet which clashes with a match. Having said that he could have taken more of an initiative and said ' X time would be good '. There's still plenty of time when the rugby isn't on. Nobody wants to be sandwiched in but as a big fan of the rugby myself I wouldn't want to miss it. I think your sensitivity is understandable if this feels like similar behaviour to previous irons. If you know know the next time that you would definitely be free to see him, tell him when it is and then WAIT for him to make the arrangements. If he's keen he will be proactive.

eesha I'm sorry to hear things didn't pan out how you wanted but it sounds like you're clear in your mind what you want so hopefully that will help the healing process

mayzee the lack of taking the initiative to make plans would annoy me too and I think onesmallstep has the right idea of next time you're free letting him know and then stepping back and letting him arrange something- then if he doesn't a conversation can be had I guess

I have the dreaded walking date this afternoon with new iron. He did get in touch and think he's just one of those people who doesn't message much prior to meeting. Not sure what to expect - although the weather report says its due to rain at the time we're meeting 🤦‍♀️

Chatting with another iron too that peaked my interest - another that doesn't send lots of messages but I like the content of the ones he does

@Eesha, on one hand I am glad that Mr Y was in touch and that you had a good chat about things. I agree that you sound absolutely lovely and you definitely deserve someone extra special. I don't think, right at this moment, that is Mr Y. It may have been lovely and he may be a good guy but waiting around in a strange limbo isn't good for anyone. It feels like he has his own life issues to address before he could even consider committing more to your relationship. I definitely think it's more a case of him not being in the right place than anything about you. Often in relationships you get swept along on the initial connection and attraction but often you then hit a point where you start to think ' does this person actually fit in my life? ' Mr Y has emotional and practical issues to address and something has made those things his priority at the moment.

@Slothmomma good luck with the walking date. I was in the park yesterday with my daughter and it was so busy. It did cross my mind that it must be difficult for that to be a first date. Especially this time of year. On the flip side I think it's a positive that you are both up for getting out there. Fingers crossed.

Todays date initially messaged and asked to move an hour later - fine. Now just messaged and asked to postpone to another day 🤦‍♀️

Ah @Slothmomma that’s a pity. Did he give a day or just a general postpone?

Sorry on phone so linking a bit tricky.
@mayzee I can only tell you my experiences of this sort of thing. I have realised if I give an alternative option to irons such as 'would you like a coffee but dont worry if you are busy' it confuses things for me but giving that opt out clause. These days when texting about meeting I just say something like 'free for a coffee tomorrow?' Or 'are you able to meet me on Sunday?'. I give zero opt out clauses. They can tell me if they are opting out. I find it helps me to guage their input and what I need to match, i.e lower my input if needed.
Someone asked me if I am catching the feels for my fab man. I dont think so. I dont see him in my future, making plans. Part of me likes the validation of this v attractive, smart man telling me Im attractive. I enjoy his company. We never talk emotions tho, he is v outgoing and I am reserved. I put in the % he puts in which is 2 planned walks a week and 1 more cosy thing at mine + when he is in my area he will message me to see if im abt for a coffee drive thro. If I am free I say yes..if I am doing anything including mopping the floor or work for work, Ill say no. There will always be another time.
I never make the arrangements. If he said 'see you soon' or some other vague thing after one of our meets, ill drop down to that level too and look for a new fwb.
Ive learned that joining in, being enthusiastic is a good thing with a dose of 'next!' in the background.
Although I see my man from fab a lot I am guarded that we are in lockdown and things could change v quickly when work, family, friends come back into the picture. Thats fine, ill go with it as I am enjoying the snapshots with him. I am not investing tho. He doesnt know my life, my emotions or do I get support from him. Other people provide that.
Im also chatting to others and I am sure he is too although he has told me he has hidden his fab profile and doesnt want to share me either, it doesnt mean anything more than that.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 and @Slothmomma for your responses. I agree it’s the lack of taking initiative that annoyed me. I also like the suggestion of saying when I’m free and letting him make the plan - I’m going to do that for next weekend.
I’m glad I posted here instead of whipping off some moany text to him like I was tempted to because I know I’m projecting what happened before on this time and it’s not warranted. He’s been on this morning about something funny on my name that he saw on Twitter and asking a question so I know he’s thinking about me.

@Greyandrare123 you are so right with the opt out clause! I won’t word my requests that way again and save myself hours of analysis of the response😂

mayzee no just a "can we move it to another day" but this is my childfree weekend so won't have another for 2 weeks and based on the amount of effort we both put into messaging (minimal) id say we will have dropped off by then. So be it

@slothmomma I guess you can reply with 'ok, send me some dates' and see what the response is.
Its so hard isnt it..I am learning, albeit slowly not to jump to assumptions or projecting. Eg #1. Gave an attractive man from Tinder my number to whattsapp. He didnt message. I left it maybe 4 days. My assumptions were he was chatting to many, had gone off me (yep from a pic and a few words) etc. So I messaged him "you disappeared' to receive a msg back to say he was really busy with his job and could he call me. He did actually call and he is busy as the school IT lead sorting out virtual lessons, laptops etc for children in a v disadvantaged area. So as always, the disappearence had nothing to do with me. We have since had 2 more talks on the phone and he wants to have a walk in half term.
Its easy to project when really, its not us.
@Eesha you are so level headed and exude compassion. Its good to acknowledge that you need the stability and reliability. Indeed those 2 traits are my 2 top ones I look for in an iron. My fab man has stability and reliability and I love it. I have no idea what he does when he doesnt see me. He tells me bits but we dont message at night much. No "goodnight' texts here. But he arranges a meetup each time we mee and if he needs to change the day or time he will let me know. I really like that quality. He doesnt buy me gifts, treat me to anything, love bomb, we dont hold hands on our walks. But I like the stability of knowing when our next liasion is.

Sorry to everyone with rubbish irons, there seems to be a lot of them at the moment.
MrPosh can be added to the list, contact has dropped dramatically in the last week apart from brief messages to tell me he's busy and will message me properly later I've not really heard from him. I don't like talking to others when I'm getting to know someone, but tempted to just jump back in and see who's about on the apps again. I'll give him the weekend - he's always saying that he has nothing to do on a saturday and gets bored, so if he doesn't bother contacting, i'll move on.

Maybe it’s just the ennui at the moment. I find myself rolling my eyes when the iron I’m not really into ( he smokes..) texts because truly it’s like Groundhog Day and what’s there to talk about. The convo quickly moves to when lockdown ends and how he can’t wait to see me and has planned several scenarios of first dates depending on what is open !

On the other hand the iron I do like who actually said I don’t want to lose this convention before March 8, so I don’t want to just message for the sake of messaging is also very busy at work and moving houses , I find I’m annoyed that surely if you have only enough to message every 3 days perhaps it’s not such a good connection

It’s just sooo tiring. At least weather is getting better.. good luck with anyone on walks today !

@Notcoolmum book ordered! I definitely am someone who likes to help so I'm sure I'll see my scenario there somewhere. Of my last 4 partners, all have had depression of sorts so there has to be something in it.
It definitely feels better to understand things rather than the silence/uncertainty before. Can't imagine dating though, just haven't got it in me but I'm sure everyone feels that way after this kinda stuff.

It will take time @Eesha After the initial heartbeat of my last break up, I think what hurt the most was the loss of hope. I did jump straight back on the horse, although I wasn't really ready. I met Mr B within weeks but treated him very casually. But he wore me down eventually!! Be kind to yourself and practice self care. Treat yourself as you would your best friend.

@Eesha your post seems so clear minded with regards to your understanding of his issues and what you want for yourself.
You are so lovely to everyone on here- I truly hope that when the time is right you meet that stable, reliable (gorgeous, sexy, generous😄) man.

@Mayzee thank you for your lovely words!