Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@orzo15 the app that we chat on says when he's last online and he's not logged in, in over 24hoirs. Gut feeling (probably because of what's happened to me in th past) says that he's got a girlfriend so when he's with her the app is maybe hidden and not logged into. I could be totally wrong though!

@havecourage8bekind have you spoken to him about it/are you in a relationship or in that weird pre relationship stage??

How are you today @Eesha?

We have only been talking nearly a month so it's not a relationship or anything but I deffo don't wanna be wasting my time. I've made a joke and asked if he's been with the secret mrs when he's dissapeared for two days before and he just laughed it off and said not to be silly why would he be on an app if he wasn't single. I fully accept he's a busy man (full time very important keyworker) but it doesn't mean you can't send a text here and there. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon! X

@havecourage8bekind are you in the SW? As this sounds remarkably like the man that I called things off with yesterday...

I'm not, no, but weirdly...he is!

@jengajuice ignore that last comment...I thought he was SW but when I've googled a map, more midland.

😂 thank goodness. Similarities were uncanny!

@jengajuice Did you just block or did you tell him you were calling it off? Im looking forward to hearing his excuse as to where he's been this time. There's only so many 'last min overtime' that can equate to 24 hours no contact lol?! X

Well, it’s a bit different in terms of my involvement and reasons for ending, but having been in this situation, generally I would go for a text of ‘I really like your company/you seem really lovely (provided these things are true) but this isn’t really working for me, good luck’ yadda yadda, given that you’ve been chatting for a few weeks. It’s easy to hang on for the promise of something. X

@havecourage8bekind

Not sure if I’m getting the wrong impression here but you haven’t met yet? I wouldn’t write him off just yet.

I (personally) don’t think having a few gaps in WhatsApp chatting means anything.

Maybe it’s just my style but I consider myself a good date/reliable/look like my photos/generally get good first date feedback

but I just don’t think sending lots of written online messages to someone who is basically just a photo on a screen till we’ve met in person is that important.

I’d check in/confirm the phone call and make any decisions/ go from there really (assume you’ll be hoping to set up a date/zero walking date after that)

I’ve found the guys who insist on using it lots before meeting either aren’t that good in person (“I’ll message you because I’m bored and have poor social skills off a screen ” types)

or are trying to love-bomb me/do the pick-up-thing/create an artificial sense of intimacy and connection so I’ll invite them straight to mine at the end of the first meet! “We know each other loads”

He could be a dud, I just don’t think this is a red flag?

I agree with @SleepyBunk if it’s only been a few weeks of chatting and you haven’t met then he doesn’t ‘owe you’ a response everyday. You’re essentially strangers. Not in a mean way but daily contact shouldn’t be expected (I wouldn’t expect I mean). @havecourage8bekind

Okay you've all made me feel a bit better. I'm new to this so didn't know how much contact is normal. I'll give it a bit more time, check in again just before our call and see if it's still going ahead. I hope you're all right, he seems genuinely lovely other than the stop start messaging. X

@havecourage8bekindve
I think him saying he wouldnt be on the app if he wasnt single doesnt actually mean anything because loads of people join dating sites who are not single.

Is the app a dating site or something like Kik or Telegram.

Have you ever actually asked if he is single? Its easy to assume everyone is but the reality is they arent.

A good question to ask aside from are you single is 'does anyone consider themselves to be in a relationship or married to you?'

Lack of contact is fine while you are so early on and not met yet, I don't think you even have the right to question or joke about where he has been.

Maybe he thinks now that he has bagged a phone date with you communication can slow down or maybe he is genuinely busy.

The problem with constant messages before meeting is you develop an emotional connection that might not be there in person.

Sorry, my apologies - I thought you’d had a couple of walks!
I’m not really one for chatting for ages before meeting, but I don’t tend to text much generally. I’d rather have a phone chat or two, then set a meeting up. Hope that it works out the way that you want it to :)

I decided to take a step back from MrTall. His situation of half living with his ex is just too much, plus whenever we chat on the phone it always has to be after 9pm. Alarm bells are ringing and my spidey senses tingling.
I've told him as much, he says all the right things and when I'm with him it feels great...but. I can't ignore the red flags.

So, I've gone back to Tinder and actually having a few nice conversations with potential irons. One I've swapped numbers with. I find him very attractive from his pics and we are getting on well over messages (yet to arrange a phone call) BUT he is 2 inches shorter than me. I've never been attracted to men who are shorter as generally it makes me feel self conscious when with them, though don't usually attract shorter men to be honest. We seem to have a lot in common so I don't want to dismiss him over something so vain really not sure what to do.

You all make so much sense! He definitely doesn't have to explain himself to me about where he's been, I think I've expected too much too soon, haven't I? It's all a learning curve! I'm quite talkative so I'm happy to chat non stop, I need to realise not everyone will match that via text. Fingers crossed for the phone call this weekend. I think I have fear of being ghosted - which means when lots of time passes I'm convinced he's ghosted me. I'll go with the flow from now and see where it leads. Yeah I've asked if he's single - right at the start, and he asked me the same. Thanks for all your replies, it's helped so much.

Turns out he's been asleep most of the day because yesterday he worked til midnight, then tonight he's working a night shift. Now I feel stupid assuming he's ghosted me and playing games! Must learn to chill out

Wow - I blink, and a whole week passes!

Thanks for all the good luck messages for my interview last week - I'm still waiting to hear back from them... job hunting is like dating in a way, and it seems like I've been ghosted.

Great to see that you managed to get your kiss (and more!) @LongtimelurkerL :) Good things come to those who wait.

@Eesha sorry to see that you're still having a tough time. It's a horrible place to be, and the not knowing is worse than knowing it's over in my experience.

Things with Miss Forest seem to be going well although she's only free every other weekend, so we haven't seen each other in almost 2 weeks, but she's coming to mine this weekend. We speak every day though, and have had a few chats on the phone. She's definitely growing on me, and I'm looking forward to seeing her.

It's interesting reading the comments about how many of you don't want to get married or share a house with a partner. I'd never really considered that before, but it's starting to make me realise I need to figure out if that's important to me or not. I'm pretty sure Miss H didn't want that, and Miss Forest said she has no interest in marriage or living with someone. Part of me is a little sad as I think I do want that, but then part of me is secretly quite happy as it means I get to have my bachelor pad to myself most of the time. Although whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know.

Talking of Miss H - she messaged me last week which was a nice surprise. I'd decided to leave the ball in her court after briefly chatting at the start of Jan as it always seemed to be me getting in touch. I was slightly disappointed though it was just a question about something I'm interested in (i.e., as in how to do something). Although she could quite easily have just looked on Google, and didn't need to ask me so maybe it's a nice thing. Funnily enough, it was a year ago today we first started chatting. And just over a year ago when Miss C told me it was over. Time flies...

I hope everyone is managing to stay relatively positive. I certainly have my up and down moments - this lockdown is really dragging, and the worst thing is that there's no end in sight.

Thanks @TheCatWithTheHat it seems to be going well at the moment - we shall see but fingers crossed. I'd def live with someone, get married etc if it was right but am not so preoccupied with it as I was when I was younger which is a good thing

Glad to hear it's working well with Miss Forest.