Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Clovertoast, I think most of us know the 'in theory ' stuff but it's a different ball game when it's your relationship and your feelings. I think reading about your situation with Mr P makes some of us feel that you need to maybe put your needs at the forefront of your relationship. Or as Notcoolmum ( I think ) suggested earlier, do a genuine list of pros and cons. We are living with restrictions and some of Mr P's actions or reactions are no doubt in response to how tough life feels ATM. But it's the same for you, for all of us, and it's down to all of us to find ways to keep each other going and reinvent the wheel where dating is concerned. Or even in life in general. My DDs ( 16 +21) and I have each written 9 things to do, and put in a pot. We will pull out one a day during Feb. Yesterday was a walk and tonight is face masks. I now it sounds a bit twee but it has given us a quality hour each day, together, doing something fun or purposeful.

@Eesha

I got ghosted a couple years ago after 4 months and though I had to move on fast as I had big exams (so those were priority - that 99% grade was sweet ) it really stung!

The issue I had with trying to do the decent thing/get closure was he simply wouldn’t give me a straight answer? So there was no point.

High functioning ASD, very loving and attentive when we were together, asked me to be his girlfriend, even wrote me a poem ...but firstly he “forgot” to reply to a message (this was after a couple of instances of last minute flakiness earlier)

Then when I tracked him down, apparently his stepparent was ill. Fair enough, of course I offered support but gave some slack.

Then the next time we were meant to meet, he suggested he did cooking at mine, I replied back saying actually could we meet “out” first and come over later?

No reply or discussion or even. a polite excuse, so I was waiting around all night for him.

I spoke a few days later apparently one of his friends was having an emergency emotional crisis that meant they had to go out drinking .

Then I sent an e-mail. Took another few days to reply - we arranged to meet

I was sat there literally about to have an anxiety attack as I knew I’d get a cancellation/have to chase him up/pay for a taxi across town...

So I cancelled politely and with good advance notice as my mental health couldn’t take it -was a massive weight off me.

Tried to contact him again a few days later, politely asking about parents and friend - no reply

I sent another message saying I assumed we were over. No reply.

I felt awful and so just moved on with things - got a random late night phone call weeks later, no explanation. I asked if he wanted to meet - nothing.

At this stage revision kicked in so I couldn’t fuck around any more. I sent him another email after my exam finished asking how his parent and friend were - no reply

The thing with ghosters is they’re all over the place so you end up all over the place too trying to communicate normally and interpret their cryptic signals/mixed messages?

Looking back I’ve learned to put interesting flaky men into the “nice to multiple date category” but not take them seriously.

@Eesha, then whilst that feels like the right course of action, stick to that and review as and when you feel like you want or need to do something else. It sounds like you are working at keeping busy with the house and the little ones. It will mean a lot more if Mr Y comes back to you at some point unprompted. If and when he does then you can decide if what he's saying works for you.

@LongtimelurkerL

Thanks *@lovelost21* it was lovely - we cooked, drank wine, chatted, errrr other things

I am glad it went well

@Clovertoast I just want to leave it really and let him come to me. I still don't think this is about me per se but unfortunately the relationship has been a bit of a casualty from it all. Like I said, Valentine's will be an interesting line in the sand. Cards are really important to me and if it goes by with not so much as a text, I'll know where I stand.

@SleepyBunk thank you for this. Luckily it's only been a handful of texts over the last two weeks and I have left him to it. I dont really understand it but I'm not expecting anything really now.

@Eesha

I think if you do speak/get some contact, you may end up getting some breadcrumbing - just enough contact or reassurance to make you hope/think you’re still “on”

but no plans to change to make you happier or genuinely reassure you.

@SleepyBunk this is what I don't understand though, we were planning dates a few days before. Everything was fine and happy. Now silence. I just have to make peace with it really.

I think you have reached out enough @Eesha I would either try and put him on the back burner and wait to see what his next move is. Or get angry, send him a message expressing how shitty he has been. Give him (in my head) so long to reply and then block. His ASD is no excise for shitty behaviour. It can be a genuine reason he needs space (but that doesn't mean weeks of no contact). But not an excuse for not being clear with you.

Is anyone watching married at first sight? One woman had a real life ghosting where he married her. Ran off for a week and then swanned back expecting a 'sorry' to cover it.

@Eesha

Making peace might just be giving up on him

With mine it was the first relationship I’d had after a long break (and an abusive one before that)

so I wasn’t really familiar with all the modern dating stuff!

But it was so easy to get into the trap of thinking I needed to be more loving, or I hadn’t encouraged him enough or said the right thing or reached out enough!

or that I should just have let him drop in and out whenever he wanted and have to “force” explanations of why he had disappeared out of him...

The thing is the situation worked to his advantage as well - I knew I had to get out/detach even though it hurt

but I reckon someone with less confidence might have thought the way round was just to be completely at his “beck and call” and have no life of her own apart from chasing him/waiting round for him!

@Eesha As with @Clovertoast's guy - it's all set up very nicely for him - he can abdicate any responsibilty because "not well atm". And any reasonable requests from you get filed under "stressing me out more".

I think asking him will extend your anxiety over this if he sidesteps so with that in mind I'm afraid you need to ask him outright, like @Clovertoast did, if this is all just deflection from him on whether or not he is feeling it, then if you don't hear from him, you've got a straight answer.

If we comes back with something like "no, it's not a deflection, I'm genuinely suffering here, bear with me please" then leap on it and try to have a conversation on what state he's in, how it materially affects his ability to converse with you, what he's done before when this happened, how he remedied things and how long it took.

I've not watched that notcoolmum..it's just such shitty behaviour though.

I can't face going on the apps and properly looking. I know I should but I just feel so disheartened by it all. Plus the odd time I have there's no one I find attractive. I know I ultimately want a partner, just can't seem to be able to do it after so much awful behaviour from men.

I agree @Eesha I think you've given him enough. His condition isn't really an excuse for how mean he's been, you deserve so much better. You seem very strong with it all.

I watch it every night Notcoolmum!
Always shocks me how they put men on the programme who have never had a long relationship,or one at all!

A few are on the autistic spectrum,I spotted a couple of men straight away and always feel how hard relationships are for them.

@bangheadhere40 i am strong but it's these evenings where I feel to reach out.

Reach out here, @Eesha I'm here. Still bloody clueless about my own situation mind!

@Heartbeats0708 theres a part of me that wants to say to him to tell me if he's having second thoughts rather than ghost me.

I can imagine. It's probably getting to the point now where the emotions have calmed down a little and you'd rather just know one way or the other?

I'd be tempted to send him an angry message @Eesha, but I know that's not the 'mature' thing to do.

@Heartbeats0708 Yes but I'm going to leave it now. I think it's just the quiet evenings where I overthink! I'm going to stick to my plan hopefully of leaving stuff and using Valentine's to draw a line in the sand.

@Eesha

Even if he did get in touch, I’d still definitely be inclined to go back on the apps

see him as part of a rota of other dates, rather than just going straight back to how you were before with available sex and physical intimacy. It would make the interaction less intense.

Easier said than done in lockdown tho!

MrC is back in the UK. I am of course not at all jealous of the photo sent from the airport hotel

I know I’m being an utter dick

but part of me feels very very jealous/annoyed that my irons get to still have mobility and a work social life

(MrMilitary’s ship somehow managed to be one household and they had beach nights out and scuba diving last year ).

I actually think this quite a common mindset in people dating long distance

the perception that the guys abroad are having fun and on jaunts all the time

and the ones at home are having an easy life and are just ready to drop everything and run gratefully into their womens/men’s arms the moment they return!

Hello all. I am using this thread as a bit of an affirmation as I navigate my way through the fwb situation I have found myself in. Reading your real feelings and thoughts helps me so much.
Im still seeing my fab man. Up to 3 x week. Usually twice for walking and one a bit more intimate. This has been going on since Oct. Its a fwb for sure. I cant help wondering if Im his lockdown woman and as soon as lockdown is over he will be active back on fab.
So im working on having a measured approach, taking a leaf out of Eesha's book.
He talks about the summer a lot. What we can do, where we can go. This is for walking and is interspaced with sex talk. I take it at face value. I dont mention the future. I think it would scare him. Gut feeling.
He told me he did think whether he could have sex with me given I am having cancer treatment for a long term cancer (if you ever call it that). I was clear from the start what my situation is and I am v well, fit and reasonably healthy if that can be possible with cancer.
I have given him an opt out clause and said I would be fine if he opted out at any stage. He said he didnt want to and assumes Ill be here for a long time. He said my cancer isnt baggage.
Id been sending him pics in my underwear on request and not my face. He asked why as he wanted my face more than my body on a pic. I had assumed as we met on Fab it was all about the sexy.
Im my measured approach Im going to take it one day at a time, literally. Getting over invested is something Id be inclined to do but Im not going to.
He makes all the follow up arrangements.

@Greyandrare123
I think your approach is sensible ( not sending him nudes with your face and not arranging all the meets). It does sound like you are catching feelings ...

@Greyandrare123 sounds like a good set-up - I think I’ll have the same approach if I use Fab.

Fed up today! MrSpaniel is driving me mad. Some days we talk loads..he's quite gushy (previously mentioned) talks about us meeting and we'd arranged a phonecall this weekend....since that chat (3 days) we've had two days of very minimal messages - like 3 a day....and then 24 hours of nothing. I'm thinking he's either a massive headwreck, or there's a secret girlfriend!?