Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Also @Clovertoast I know the weather is rubbish but over the last year we have been out for meals when things were briefly opened, had a hotel night but also gone on long walks, watched sunsets on the beach, on top of hills etc. Not having a date since April sounds very unsatisfying.

Hmm the holiday actually was mainly just sex, we barely left the bed
We have had a couple of over night beach days out thinking about it. We even went for a walk once so maybe I'm being too harsh.
I was there all day on Sunday, I left early Monday morning so would it really be so unreasonable to be on your iPad for a while doing other things? I guess the rest of the time we were snuggling or having sex.
I genuinely dont know whats reasonable!

I think what is reasonable is what makes you happy. I'd definitely be writing a list and weighing things up. Remember you have choice and agency here too.

Does he drive clover? I'm sure you said you get the train over there, has he ever offered to pick you up?

He just sounds incredibly lazy really doesn't he and everything seems to be what he wants.

Could I just say @Clovertoast stop making him food!! You are in his house. Let him cook for you. He's getting sex, meals cooked, housework done and continuing to get his admin and chores sorted. I bet you are rushing round at home to sort your chores, make sure your teenagers are stocked up whilst you are gone and that your life admin is done before you spend time with him?

@Notcoolmum

Could I just say *@Clovertoast* stop making him food!! You are in his house. Let him cook for you. He's getting sex, meals cooked, housework done and continuing to get his admin and chores sorted. I bet you are rushing round at home to sort your chores, make sure your teenagers are stocked up whilst you are gone and that your life admin is done before you spend time with him?

This - definitely - no way would I continue to make him food.

He should be cooking for you, not the other way round.

[quote SleepyBunk]**@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Try Tinder or bumble?

I was a bit scared to start as I’d only used other sites before- they’re definitely very fast paced and intense as the usage is so high

and obviously like any site, you have to filter through all the weird encounters to get round to meeting anyone ok, but in terms of numbers of people I’m completely hooked!

I was feeling a bit disillusioned by the other sites -think it was where most of the people I wanted to meet were![/quote]
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

From my experiences with Tinder and Bumble - Bumble appeared to be ok and I did connect with 2 people but went nowhere fast.

A lot of men I found on Tinder just wanted sex, despite what you might hear. I know a man I met on Tinder who's now a friend and he thinks most men on Tinder are Tinder 'pricks' - e.g. idiots who want sex and mess around.

Match Affinity I did meet and have a relationship with someone a few years ago.

Match itself - me and another friend found it wasn't worth the money. We kept on deleting or not renewing our accounts and Match either reeled us back in or refunded us our fees.

OKC - my last boyfriend was from there - I've found they're not looking for sex there - some are - some aren't.

EHarmony I did find ok didn't meet anyone but so many questions.

There was another site I used called Doing Something (obviously not sure how this works in lockdown apart from walks etc) but I was fed up of men just suggesting drinks etc so signed up to this site and met someone who I dated for approx 6 months - nice man, I liked it as it didn't seem to be just drinks etc - you suggested stuff to do.

Dating sites are a pain, I agree!

I don’t think it’s healthy having a lot of interaction with someone so depressed ?

Thinking back to my ex I mentioned earlier, he was “on paper” a great catch, but still projected this overall vibe of “my/our life is shit and dull and everyone else is having a great time”.

And by extension I was shit and dull because I was part of it and loved him.

Just how he “might have” ended up with these glamorous women having this fantastic life, how his ex was beautiful

(I mean he didn’t go on and on every day, but looking back it was just pure fantasy - she was just an ok looking woman who worked in a shop and they struggled whilst together ).

and even though we had a great standard of living for our age, it was still shit compared to what “could have been”.

A lot of his “friends” were amateur models/creative types who dated really rich men.

For a holiday, he wanted to go to Monaco and “look at the rich people”. But there was no effort to build anything in his day to day life he liked?

I think I read on another MN thread how in a good relationship even going for a walk/coffee, or having a chat about life or going to a garden centre or the shops can be fun

you see yourself as star of your own current life rather than fantasising about the past .

And you “build” your romance from being nice on a day to day basis.

Someone who acts like their life now is a chore would just be a massive turn off for me.

If they have MH issues they can work on them and I’d be supportive but spending lots of time buying into their sad world would just bring me down too

@Clovertoast agree with the others, try taking a tiny step back and not do so much. He should also be saying no need to do loads. At the very least, you'll feel less resentful. I do get it, I'm a doer, but Mr Yoga was very self sufficient and never let me do a thing. I would go there, enjoy his company, he would cook for me or we cooked together. It's clear you really like Mr P so if you want it to be better, you need to make changes to be more aligned to your needs.

How are things with you @Eesha?

@Notcoolmum Hey, thanks for checking in. I'm doing ok actually. My kids seem to be thriving so I'm pleased with that plus I'm making a real dent in cleaning my place! I'm making peace with being ghosted by Mr Yoga even though I don't think I'll ever understand why. It's been 2.5 weeks now with a couple of texts each week after he said he was struggling with his autism and that he needed to hide away. I've realised that I'm nervous to do all this again in case I get ghosted again so don't anticipate dating for a while. My ex fwb has been contacting me regularly and professing love but I can't go back to that.

Funny how they always crawl out of the woodwork @Eesha FWIW I'm so disappointed in how Mr Y has treated you. We all know it takes seconds to drop a short text to provide a level of reassurance. I'm glad you are doing well in yourself. Two toddlers must keep you very busy. Do you have someone in your bubble?

@Notcoolmum i am not seeing my support bubble just because we want to be stricter with all the recent deaths close to us. Yes, it's very busy with the kids. I was moping on the phone about this saying "I just wish I were special to someone" and them one piped up "Mummy, you ARE special"....so funny!

Yes, its sad about Mr Yoga but life does always go on. Annoyingly I had avoided Instagram for a while but accidentally went on just now and he had posted yesterday about his work so that struck a nerve. It's ok. I don't want to be bitter. I would like to understand though how people have gotten over ghosting. That would be really useful.

I was ghosted by my last iron. Helpfully though he was quite horrible on his last text to me which helped me find my anger. So I deleted our message thread and blocked his number (he had 2 phones so could have contacted me if he'd have wanted to). Being angry and blocking him helped me. It's just pathetic behaviour.

Oh @Eesha i'm so sorry to hear but Mr Y has really not been fair to you in all this. I try to remember that ghosting is the ultimate cowardly act and so if someone can do that then they are not a good person and you really are better off without them in your life.

@Eesha

I think you’re completely doing the right thing with just improving your emotional wellbeing (arf at housework that’s my thing too !) just taking things one day at a time?

It’s tempting after a ghosting to want to find a quick emotional resolution ,but decent time is needed.

Might not be just a few days or weeks, but a few months to a year . I’m quite emotionally self contained and I’d say I’d need that long!

I reckon it’s harder to move on from an interaction which has been “60% ok 40%bad” because your self esteem and sense of judgement and confidence is going to be out of sync so patience is needed!

Also MrYoga may pop up again I suspect, they often do!

@Eesha, you have been nothing but thoughtful and patient in your response to Mr Y's need for a bit of space. I found when it looked like Mr V was ghosting me this time last year my go to reaction was to get onto an app and within a week I had met a new FWB and had a couple of dates-not that easy in the current climate. Plus I had known Mr V 2 months at that stage rather than the 7 or 8 you have known Mr Y. I am not sure I could simply walk away from Mr V if he ghosted me now. I would always want some answers and closure.
Would it be helpful if you asked Mr Y if he considers your relationship over ? Or ask him if he's feeling better ? You have been very mindful of his feelings and needs but I am not sure he has been considering yours with such care.

Hi there. Just catching up with the thread.

@CleverCatty- thank you for your message. I'm just trying Tinder out at the moment. Did have a lovely chat with a guy last night, so shall see how it goes. 🙂

@Clovertoast- I'm sorry to hear things aurnt going well with your boyfriend. I do agree that he needs to take your feelings into account. I would stop going there for a while but keep checking in with him to see how he is. That way you'll still be talking to him, but he'll be able to take some time to figure out what he wants ❤️ sending lots of ❤️ and to you 😘😘

@Eesha just caught up and I am so sorry MrY is treating you like this . I was really rooting for you both but ultimately you have been really patient with him but he's taking advantage. I have been ghosted before and it may sound cliche but chatting with other men will help take your mind off him. It will be hard but you will get there .

@LongtimelurkerL hope your date with mrLongwalks went well yesterday. Pleased to see you got your kiss in the end .

Thanks @lovelost21 it was lovely - we cooked, drank wine, chatted, errrr other things

I think I agree with @Onesmallstep67 I would definitely need closure.
Do you feel able to ask if he considers that you are over ?
Perhaps you could say that while you love,/like him very much and appreciate and support the fact that he has needed space you feel that its time to step away because this is just too difficult and feels like being ghosted.
(Perhaps with his autism he doesn't even realise that?)
Either way, its time you found someone who appreciated you, so if he wants to get back in touch do, but you can't guarantee you'll be waiting.

I feel for you.

Thats the exact text I should send but haven't the guts !! 😅😅😪

Sorry that message was for @Eesha !!!

@LongtimelurkerL

Thanks *@lovelost21* it was lovely - we cooked, drank wine, chatted, errrr other things

So glad to hear your date went well, @LongtimelurkerL ❤️

And @Eesha- you need to let Mr Y know how you feel. I've been ghosted before (quite recently, in fact) and it's terrible. I'm a person that needs answers and closure. If he doesn't accept what you say, I would think about moving on.

Sending ❤️ and 😘😘

@Onesmallstep67 so in the last two weeks, I've reached out twice and he has responded, and he has reached out once to me. I swore I wouldn't message again after last weekend as he was evading my phone call. My male buddy who I would say is similar said I shouldn't have asked about the call, that I should have stuck with texting and kept it light. He told me I just have to be patient with people like this (autistic people who have said they are struggling). I will never understand how I've been shut out after 7 months of dating but at the same time I don't want to reach out yet again.