Dating Thread 199 - Come on 2021....

[LongtimelurkerL]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you @havecourage8bekind thats so nice x

Congratulations on your weight loss @Clovertoast that must feel amazing

Thoughts on irons telling you they like you / getting quite soppy before even meeting? X

Hi everyone,
I have no irons. Had a few but they fizzled out and I can't find any new ones.
Can anyone tell me the secrets of Bumble? Any guys on here?
For a while it told me which guys usually replied (it said on their profile), but then that got removed.
I am constantly on the app and paranoid that I am being flagged up as desperate to guys without being aware of it. Does it show if I'm online? Or when I last looked?

@DatingDisastrously

From my (reasonably short so not immense ) experience with bumble my strategy was to just send a “wave” emoticon at most/everyone I matched with

as some just wouldn’t reply or chat would fizzle out very soon? So it was a waste of time doing crafted messages.

I got offered the deal where you could see all your possible matches for a few days and I video dated someone in another city but we didn’t continue.

I had two meets - one who I’m still seeing, one who was a really good meet but we didn’t push through as I became intimate with someone else. Both seemed attractive solid guys, just no time to meet women IRL.

Few other likely potentials but we didn’t get round to meeting. Usual sprinkle of married weirdos and hookup guys

I really wouldn’t worry about things like frequency of reply etc - I just tried to treat every new interaction like I was dealing with a new person and be polite and positive. And my meets were the same personality.

if someone is scanning the site judging people for how much they reply/how often they are on etc then they’re just rude and judgemental and will neg or nit-pick whatever!

I mean everyone is on the site has created a profile and signed up to meet people? No-one is too cool for the site if they’ve actually made the effort to join it?

With smartphones most people have and use the ability to check messages constantly.

some guy playing “hard to get” or pretending they’re not looking to meet someone and wanting to meet someone who also “plays hard to get” is just weird and immature!

@SleepyBunk
Thank you. I hadn't really thought of it from
a weeding out the negative ones point of view. I was just getting paranoid about bumble basically amending my profile in ways I didn't know about but I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter. What will be will be.

@DatingDisastrously Bumble doesn't show whether you are online nor when you were last online - it gives the same information to women as it does for guys, barring the first message and extend options.

Unfortunately across all the swipey sites, blokes swipe so much more than women. My ex- is on Tinder and given that we met and found each other attractive enough you might imagine we're physically matched (and neither of us have let ourselves go). In terms of likes, she rang up a couple of thousand in a day or two, while I managed mid-twenties after a few months, and even fewer matches. It's so much easier for women to find a match due to such profligate swiping but the downside for them is that the guys playing the volume numbers game will get multiple matches and then decide who to talk to from that shorter list. It works both ways of course but if you're a selective swiper a match feels much more valuable than it really is.

@DatingDisastrously

Yeh it would definitely be a block/red flag for me if someone commented they’d seen me online lots - firstly they’d have to be online too and secondly why come up with a negative comment to someone you’re hoping to get to know in a positive way?

Until you meet and make a commitment to exclusivity it’s no-ones business and if they’re trying to make you uncomfortable it’s bad news.

@havecourage8bekind

If it’s too effusive/future faking/sounds desperate/putting me on a pedestal/claiming I’m the One it’s a red flag for me. Along with over planning the first date so it’s too “trying to impress” when it should be simple and cheap and low-commitment with potential to extend if you really get on.

I think genuine polite positive comments like “you look great in your photos/looking forward to meeting you it should be great fun” are fine.

havecourage if it's proportionate to never having met, such as 'I'm really looking forward to meeting you, you seem great', that's fine and courteous.

Tbh I have become cynical with dating, but much more than that and I would suspect it's either a pretty meaningless part of their patter and I am looking for a relationship, not a second hand car, or it raises a flag as I wonder why they'd think it was appropriate to be that effusive over someone they hadn't met- are they trying to manage my response and create a sense of intimacy, or are they prone to over investment themselves.

I did hear from MrPosh last night, he said he'd been busy, but I've decided to play it a little cool and take a step back. I was started to really get invested in him and I know that's not ideal as we can't meet up yet. He hasn't had a proper relationship before, so I'm wondering if that's why he's so up and down with contact, this hadn't concerned me before, but he's never said anything remotely flirty, which I put down to him being respectful, but i'm starting to wonder if he doesn't know how to do dating very well.

@newnamenora never had a proper relationship before? What do you mean? How old is he?

@LongtimelurkerL he's early 40s and he's never been married or had a long term relationship. But the nature of his job means he has travelled a lot which is why I thought he hadn't settled. But maybe I need to dig a little deeper into his dating history to find out why?

@newnamenora i think you're right to take a small step back and observe. I'm dubious unfortunately when people haven't had long term relationships by that age.

@LongtimelurkerL isnt your date today? Are you excited now that things are moving along?

@havecourage8bekind too gushy annoys me as you never really know. I prefer if they say something simple like looking forward to meeting me. I had one ages ago say they told their boss they were meeting 'the one' that day. It was literally the morning of our date so I couldn't cancel!!! Wish I had.

@newnamenora yeah as @Eesha says that seems a little unusual to say the least. Even if you work abroad or whatever you can still have a relationship if you want one....

It is indeed Eesha - feeling very excited but also strangely (for me) very relaxed - if that makes sense

@LongtimelurkerL what have you both got planned? Hope you have a brilliant time!

@havecourage8bekind yes it's a bit weird and seems very disingenuous to me to be too gushy before you meet.....

@Eesha he's coming to mine again - that's the whole plan atm - can't really do a lot to be honest. Presume we will eat food - not sure on cooking or takeaway and then watch a film...hopefully more kissing

Not sure what to do about valentines day - def want to get him something but now in that weird well I have no idea what 'label' is on this at the moment (which i'm fine with atm) but we've been 'whatever the term is' 'seeing each other (!?!?!)' since October but only just graduated from walks in the cold. Will do a card and then need something small and jokey I guess

@Eesha @LongtimelurkerL - it does seem strange, maybe I'm hoping for the best as he seems to be ticking all the right boxes in every other way. I think my thinking is skewed by the fact I have a sibling who had never had a relationship or even kissed anyone until they were in their 40s as they were so career driven - they are very happily married with step children now!

@LongtimelurkerL - good luck with the date!

@LongtimelurkerL it all sounds very exciting and I’m very happy for you.
I’m the same about Valentine’s Day about what to do when we are in that weird not a relationship but together phase - I hated it so much before, still not keen tbh but it’s kind of expected to be marked in some way if you have some kind of romantic relationship.
It’s further complicated by the fact that Mr TG mentioned before that it’s his birthday around then too so I feel like I need to get him a birthday present - I hate buying presents for people outside of family because I never feel confident that I’ll get it right

Thanks @Mayzee and @newnamenora

It would also be easier if we could go browse in a shop but obv can't atm....might have a look on amazon on something??

@LongtimelurkerL im a great fan of Thortful for funny cards, there are loads about socially isolating dates etc which might be suitable. I'd probably avoid a present as it's still early days.

Thanks @Eesha I've got a good jokey card already

I’m in the Scrooge corner doing fuck all for Valentine’s Day

Maybe some naked photos will be issued

Often I feel the men I date just aren’t into elaborate gifts or cards - even if they’re into me and generally giving/generous it doesn’t mean a big deal to them?