Please help - co-parenting argument with DH

[JustAnotherMumma81]

Please can anyone offer support / handhold and advice / tips for me after a huge disagreement I had with my husband over co-parenting this morning? I am interested to know how other mums organise things where you are the SAHP and your DH/DP works.

My DH works from home right now, in a corporate sort of job. In normal times he doesn't start till about 10am use but works long hours till late and is on call at weekends. The commute to nearest city used to take an hour so normally he'd leave home at 9am. (Some says he might have an early meeting). Since wfh he's generally got to his desk around 9am - 9.30 and says he wants to continue starting work earlier as he feels more organised.

I am at home looking after our 6mo dd all day. My thoughts are that between when we both wake up around 7/7.30 and when he starts work we should share the parenting duties equally, allowing each other time to get showered and dressed. Recently I've started doing a home workout dvd in the morning. (Getting fit after my c-section which is really important to me). It takes about 20 mins. Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready.

Some days I don't feel it's possible to do all this without him helping with the baby a bit. To be fair on him he often gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me.

Today I felt I couldn't do my workout as the baby was quite restless and needing attention. So instead I was playing with her but I also was thinking if I could still do my workout if my DH watched the baby for 20 minutes. This was at 8am. My DH said that it wasn't fair and that he wanted to start work at 8.30 today and I was putting him in a difficult position. I didn't know he wanted to start work early. I then said ok I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him. He says he thinks he does "more than everyone else" in the parenting dept.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad. I had a horrible c-section and he was amazing with our newborn. Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time most days which is lovely, and also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something. He is honestly great.

However, the bugbear which we can't seem to resolve is the mornings before work. I really feel that the morning should be shared between us until we both start "work" - at whatever time that is agreed. I see my "work" as looking after my baby during the day and all the household stuff that goes with it. DH feels he should be prioritised I think, reading between the lines because he's bringing in the money.

I feel so upsett and shaken as we had a blazing row about this concept this morning and we never normally argue. We tend to be very harmonious but it all came bubbling up for me today. I've never felt so angry and upset with him. I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty as soon as I open my eyes right up until baby goes to bed. I don't know if this is rational of me. I feel like it's hard enough, and that my identity has gone, but to not even have a minute to myself in the mornings is hard. I felt so angry I had to go to the loo and let out a quick sob, before coming back to look after baby. I'm gutted baby was there whilst this row too place- she's never seen us row before and it's not good. I feel terrible.

For context my baby only naps 30 mins at a time (that's another thread). I'm working on it, but it means I don't get a good chunk of time to catch up during the day. Also for contact I do all the bedtimes as DH goes back to his desk after bath time, and then I make our dinner. I'm not complaining or anything as I always knew parenting would be tough. It's relentless in lockdown for everyone I know and this might not be helping matters.

I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm so upset and confused. I've come out for a long walk to get away. Husband said we shouldn't speak to each other today or we will end up arguing. I suggested we speak tonight once baby is in bed to work out how we do things better. I don't know if he wants to.

Sorry for my rambling post. Please can anyone advise or help? Am I just being ridiculous about how I envisage the mornings?

He wouldn't parent the baby while you showered ? Sorry that is not fair of him a and he seriously needs to get a grip,

I would insist he looks after the baby every morning woke you work out and shower

Erm, no, you are not!

Firstly being in sole charge of the baby all day from waking until night is not sustainable and you will burn out.

Secondly it's about being kind to each other and making sure you each have the basics (and preferably a bit more!)

A shower is not unreasonable, neither is 20 minutes to yourself.

In what world is he doing more than "everyone else"? Are you not a person? Or does he mean he does more than some shitty deadbeat dad who does nothing? Because, well, yeah, but, who brags about that??

Of course you're being reasonable - it's not really a big ask for shared parenting for 90 mins/2 hours before he starts work.

I'd be quite cross at him that he values his 'spare' time so much more than my own.

What's worked for DH and I (we started when I was on mat leave and it set the foundations well for when we were both back at work full time) is that we agree a 'rota' on Sunday for the week. So we know who is exercising when, who is doing the nursery run, what's for dinner (I batch cook at the weekend) etc etc.

And he ought to be making dinner 50% of the time (or all of it, if you're doing every bedtime).

Next time, hand him the baby and get in the shower. Don't ask.
It's so sad all the mums on these threads feeling guilty for asking permission to look after themselves or share child care.
You should be a team. He should be asking YOU if it's ok if he starts work at 8.30 if that's not his normal time.
The selfishness of some men.

He is not a brilliant dad. He is not co parenting. You are doing the parenting. I can't believe he cannot even parent while you take a shower. You should stop making him coffee, he would have to get his own in the office.

Oh stop making him coffee. Does he make you one?

He is barely doing any parenting at all. What does he do after he finishes work? Does he do any housework?

This is not acceptable.

While he works, baby and housework is your job. The rest of the time it should be 50/50. You have as much right to some leisure/exercise time and a shower as he does. Who brings in the money is irrelevant here.

You need a morning schedule which involves a sensible division of labour. If your husband wants to start work earlier on a given day, he tells you the night before so you can adjust the schedule. Communication is key here - and he doesn't get to opt out of doing his share of the parenting.

I did mention about the dinner thing - that I always make it - and he said "well stop doing it" and said I was throwing that in his race. He said he'll get his own dinner.

Having said that, I'm not painting him out as a monster. He has been great about things - just not this!

Last night I stayed soothing my baby for a bit longer to bed as she was unsettled. I heard DH coming out of his home office and go into the living room to start playing his PlayStation. So I texted him and said can you start dinner please, and texted instructions. He did so willingly and happily. But it didn't occur to him to do it off his own back.

Can anyone suggest a morning schedule that you use in your marriage?

No, sorry but he's not a brilliant dad at all. Simply doing more than absolutely nothing doesn't somehow make him super dad. Work (whether paid, or parenting/household) should be split fairly between you both. You are spot on that you both "start work" at the same time. You can allow him to choose whether that is 8.30, 9 or 9.30 but before then you are both on parenting duty.

I am back at work with a 6 month old baby and a husband on shared parental leave. My husband gets her up, nappy changed etc while I pump one boob. He brings her down and I feed her from the other boob while he makes us both breakfast. He then feeds her solids while I get ready for work. In the evening, I come home and feed her while he has a shower. We then switch over and I get a shower. We do bathtime together, then I do the bedtime feed while he sorts out dinner.

I will admit that he gets more downtime during the day than I do (when I was home with her and he was working, I'd keep on top of housework while she napped but now we do that in the evenings/weekends).

He is a great dad, and our little girl absolutely adores him. But the splitting tasks between us evenly isn't what makes him a great dad - it's what makes him an equal contributor to our family life!

To answer the pp, housework-wise we have a division of chores which we agreed a few years ago after I read Fair Play. So we each take full responsibility for some areas. Eg he does bins, and fills and emptied dishwasher so I never do those. I do laundry but to be fair he helps out with this now we have a baby. I do the cleaning and grocery shops.

So he finished work, then went straight to play on his playstation? Didn't pop up to say night to baby, or ask you if anything needed done?
There needs to be some conversations around his parenting. I didn't realise we'd gone back to a time where woman had to ask a man to chip in at home.

Generally my DH gets up with baby as I do bedtime feed. No night time feeds as she’s 18 months now. Maybe twice in the week I’ll get her up then take it in turns at the weekend. Or we do it together. If I asked him to take her so I could exercise or shower though he would 100%.

Sack off making dinner and taking him cups of tea if he can’t make time for you to do the basics like wash!

Can you agree days when you get priority in the mornings and days when he does? This is pretty much what we did when the kids were babies. So 2 days a week I got to go to the gym early or go for a run or whatever, 3 days he did. He left for work at 8.30 so I had to be back to take over by then. If he needed to start work earlier than that he needed to tell me in advance. Weekends we shared one morning each.

Put the baby in the bathroom with you while you have a shower, I don't remember us planning who would sit with the baby while the other one had a shower. That's not worth arguing about. I guess on my 'mornings off' Dh must have just showered with the baby in the bathroom or maybe in their cot, I have honestly never asked him.

I think if he was working all day I would still make the dinner. But I would get him to do more at the weekends.

And he can make his own morning coffee.

Having said all that, do you need to do your workout in the morning? I know I still like to stick to my morning routine even though I'm not leaving the house any more as it helps me get more in the work frame of mind. Maybe if mornings are already busy trying to fit your workout in there is just adding stress? I know it's only 20 minutes and he should be able to help out but you know, is it worth it?

Of course you he should be sharing the morning load so each of you can get ready in peace. Sounds like the only times he actually takes her is when you're doing chores around the house, do you get any break at all that doesn't involve making dinners or hoovering btw?

Don't you think it's rather interesting that since he's been working from home, he wants to start earlier and on a day you ask for help, he magically wanted to start even earlier?!

I think he's deliberately opting out of sharing parenting.

Also interesting that when you argued over dinner-making, he said he'd make his own. Fair would be splitting it and cooking alternate days.

You've got a bit of a dick on your hands, op. Don't put up with it.

Your baby is six months old, I’m assuming not currently fully mobile...
I’m sure he is capable of putting her on a playmat beside his desk or in a sling for half an hour, while you take a shower in the morning.

You may need to adjust your expectations as baby becomes more mobile... for example showering in the evening after baby is in bed, make simple dinners or batch cook or ask him to prepare simple evening meals. Assuming he is not chained to his desk?
If you intend to work after maternity leave, you certainly need to address the routine.

My DH has always started work/commute before 6am so barely had time for myself on a midweek morning for 5 years, and getting myself and kids ready for nursery/commuting to the office was always pretty awful. However, understand it is easy to become resentful when OH is there and not pulling his weight. Since WFH I do just leave the kids in the room with DH while he is working if I need to use the bathroom / really need a shower.

@Knitwit99 to be honest I feel like my 20 mins workout in the morning is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. It literally feels like the only time where I feel in control of myself, and empowered. The rest of the time I feel who I was has gone. I want to do it in the mornings because I know myself, and it sets me up for a better day MH wise. If I leave it till evening I won't do it as I'll lose motivation and then that will knock me down even more, iyswim.

There's always a fucking games console.

It will only get worse.

To be fair on him he OFTEN gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me

Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time MOST days which is lovely

also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something

Yup having a baby is shit at times - you realise suddenly that someone else comes before you . Your post seems a bit contradictory though ? We don't all have the luxury of time alone to shower . All this because you didn't get to do your DVD workout ?

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse

There's always a fucking games console.

It will only get worse.

Oh no! Help me please!

I'm dreading having this conversation with him now. I feel
Like we are both really angry and defensive but I really don't want another argument.

So his logic is, some men do bugger all so you should be grateful I’m doing less than my fair share? I think that attitude is sadly all too common