Please help - co-parenting argument with DH

[JustAnotherMumma81]

Please can anyone offer support / handhold and advice / tips for me after a huge disagreement I had with my husband over co-parenting this morning? I am interested to know how other mums organise things where you are the SAHP and your DH/DP works.

My DH works from home right now, in a corporate sort of job. In normal times he doesn't start till about 10am use but works long hours till late and is on call at weekends. The commute to nearest city used to take an hour so normally he'd leave home at 9am. (Some says he might have an early meeting). Since wfh he's generally got to his desk around 9am - 9.30 and says he wants to continue starting work earlier as he feels more organised.

I am at home looking after our 6mo dd all day. My thoughts are that between when we both wake up around 7/7.30 and when he starts work we should share the parenting duties equally, allowing each other time to get showered and dressed. Recently I've started doing a home workout dvd in the morning. (Getting fit after my c-section which is really important to me). It takes about 20 mins. Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready.

Some days I don't feel it's possible to do all this without him helping with the baby a bit. To be fair on him he often gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me.

Today I felt I couldn't do my workout as the baby was quite restless and needing attention. So instead I was playing with her but I also was thinking if I could still do my workout if my DH watched the baby for 20 minutes. This was at 8am. My DH said that it wasn't fair and that he wanted to start work at 8.30 today and I was putting him in a difficult position. I didn't know he wanted to start work early. I then said ok I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him. He says he thinks he does "more than everyone else" in the parenting dept.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad. I had a horrible c-section and he was amazing with our newborn. Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time most days which is lovely, and also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something. He is honestly great.

However, the bugbear which we can't seem to resolve is the mornings before work. I really feel that the morning should be shared between us until we both start "work" - at whatever time that is agreed. I see my "work" as looking after my baby during the day and all the household stuff that goes with it. DH feels he should be prioritised I think, reading between the lines because he's bringing in the money.

I feel so upsett and shaken as we had a blazing row about this concept this morning and we never normally argue. We tend to be very harmonious but it all came bubbling up for me today. I've never felt so angry and upset with him. I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty as soon as I open my eyes right up until baby goes to bed. I don't know if this is rational of me. I feel like it's hard enough, and that my identity has gone, but to not even have a minute to myself in the mornings is hard. I felt so angry I had to go to the loo and let out a quick sob, before coming back to look after baby. I'm gutted baby was there whilst this row too place- she's never seen us row before and it's not good. I feel terrible.

For context my baby only naps 30 mins at a time (that's another thread). I'm working on it, but it means I don't get a good chunk of time to catch up during the day. Also for contact I do all the bedtimes as DH goes back to his desk after bath time, and then I make our dinner. I'm not complaining or anything as I always knew parenting would be tough. It's relentless in lockdown for everyone I know and this might not be helping matters.

I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm so upset and confused. I've come out for a long walk to get away. Husband said we shouldn't speak to each other today or we will end up arguing. I suggested we speak tonight once baby is in bed to work out how we do things better. I don't know if he wants to.

Sorry for my rambling post. Please can anyone advise or help? Am I just being ridiculous about how I envisage the mornings?

He is working from home? His need for a shower when working from home is surely equal to the OP need for a shower. Again why should he get an uninterrupted shower and she shouldn't?

Are you very young ?
then we both emptied the dishwasher together
We used to be best friends
You sound very childlike in your posts . Life does change with babies .

And these things should always work both ways. If looking after a child is so easy that the OP can exercise and shower whilst doing so then it shouldn't be too difficult for him to step up while 'getting ready for work'

Omg! Definitely ignore those who are saying you are being unreasonable! You definitely deserve a shower and a break to exercise, ffs! I think you should take DH at his word and not cook him dinner. (He is counting on the fact that you’re cooking dinner for yourself anyway). Now, he is throwing around the word “prioritise” aimed at him because he’s the earner. Fuck that shit. You can prioritise yourself and baby because he’s not.

You're being completely reasonable and your unhappiness is understandable.

From his POV, it may be that the problem is not the absolute amount of work to be done, but the fact of having to juggle between home and work life, between home and work mental focus, right before starting work in the morning.

Raising babies doesn't just put a strain on couples' financial, energy and time resources. It also introduces a huge burden of multi-tasking. That's true even for a full time SAH parent, but it's even more true now that most relationships involve some degree of both partners working and/or taking care of home and baby duties. Like anything else, some people are simply much better at this than others.

It sounds like for him the whole process of getting up and out the door into the commute etc. is part of getting into "work mode", and he wants to continue doing that so he can work effectively.

You could argue with it and try and make him do it differently, but you might not get anywhere. Alternatively, is there a way you could shoulder that morning burden and he could do more in the evenings so you get more time to yourself to relax etc. then? I know you said you don't want that to be your workout time, but could you get up 20 minutes earlier to work out, if you had less to do in the evenings and could go to bed 20 minutes earlier?

Life's not a competition.

Ignore the parents that come on here and say well I'm a stay at home parent to 20 kids and I manage it to get the dinner ready and clean the bathroom while feeding the baby and make my hubby a coffee etc etc blah blah blah.

They won't get a medal either.

Yeah, honestly I don't think some of the posters know what it's like having a 6mo who only naps 30 minutes. I'm working on it, which means I have to be there to catch the end of baby's sleep cycle. She also takes a lot of work to settle. Like I said, I'm working on it, but the idea that I get loads of small breaks is madness. I get about 10 minutes if I'm lucky, when I can sneak away from her to go to the loo, sterilise bottles, put a wash on or post on here.

I'm getting Deliveroo this evening!

cupofteaaloneplease post is excellent.

What you are experiencing as a couple is very common.
Don't worry that you have argued, it is how you move forward that is key now.

@JustAnotherMumma81 how are you? Any improvement?

And these things should always work both ways. If looking after a child is so easy that the OP can exercise and shower whilst doing so then it shouldn't be too difficult for him to step up while 'getting ready for work'

This.

He can't do it for 20 minutes in the morning while his wife works out and showers. But she can do it all day into the evening. He 'helps out' with bath so she can get other chores done.

And OP he imagines other men at work do nothing. You can tell him my actual real life husband did a crap load more than him. It's all hands on deck with a baby.

Gah so many men are pathetic and so many women enable this sadly. He is not a great Dad, you are setting the bar rather low! A great Dad wants to support, wants to cherish. He’s nipping out to have the baby at odd times and you do a chore, he doesn’t deal with dinners or housework whilst you’re doing bedtimes he plays games instead. He doesn’t split mornings fairly, or learn his baby’s nap routine, or give you a full lie-in. “Helping” with the baby isn’t being a good Dad. It sounds like mornings each of you should have an hour each responsible for baby...so if he starts work at 9am he has baby 7-8 for you to get ready for the day then he gets ready 8-9. You discuss each evening when he needs to start the next day and adjust accordingly. It’s all about compromise but also about him actually doing stuff. Why can’t he organise everything for baby’s evening bath/bed in the morning? Or he put dinner in a slow cooker at 7am? It isn’t a fair and even split of responsibilities and I think you’ve got caught up in a ball of sexism. He thinks it’s all your job as he is the great I Am who provides. Yuck. My 100 year old father did more when we were babies and so does my husband. You need to stop being great fun for crumbs but expect equality.

Add up the time your husband spends each day ‘helping’ (providing basic care for the child he chose to create isn’t help). From your post this seems to be around one hour per day on average.

If you spent the same amount of time caring for your baby would your babies needs be met? If the answer is no then your husband is failing to do enough for his child.

My partner does more with my child looking at the information you have posted on this thread, he isn’t actually his Dad, he’s just not selfish.

I like how your husband ‘helping’ in the evening is to supervise his child while you then wash up and organise everything for the babies bedtime.

Sorry wish I could help, but we both worked full time from 11 weeks old on. So we equally shared the time we had with them. I do think that basic hygiene like a shower should definitely mean he can watch 6 mo old. Or if he still refuses, you can do what I did. Put their bouncy chair in bathroom with you abd play peek a boo while taking shower.

Why don't you alternate bedtimes? A brilliant dad would want to.
You're storing up problems there.

He's a lazy fucker who isn't a great dad.

The way it should be is this. Whilst he is working, you look after the baby and fit in some housework when you can. When he isn't working, everything is 50/50. Childcare and housework. That is the only fair thing.

Parenting is hard and parenting a baby is absolutely relentless. And by being such a selfish lazy fuck, he is taking away your enjoyment of having a baby too.

Parenting with a lazy fucker also makes things worse because you also feel resentful that there is a capable adult who could be pulling his weight but isn't.

My exes were like this. So much easier now parenting alone (and with split custody it also means that I do have time for myself).

But I noticed that when my ex was working away, even though I had to do it on my own, I didnt feel resentful and coped better. It also meant that I didn't have to cook him a meal or look after him so I actually had more time to myself.

And also, when he 'kindly' looks after his own child at times, you don't even get a proper break because he is being deliberately useless by not knowing what to do. He's an intelligent man with a baby. He'll figure it out by trial and error or googling. Just like you had to. We don't get a manual and us mums don't have any extra special powers. We figure it out through parenting our children.

Raise your bar and thrash things out with him until you are in a fair place. And the only fair place is 50/50 when he's not working. How you split that is the only thing that should be negotiated.

Because he does a night feed he does more than other dads?? Useless dads, maybe.

I have a full, uninterrupted night every weekend, in a different room, and get up at what time I want while dp has the other weekend night. Every single night after he finishes work and on weekends, he takes the baby for an hour so I can shower, read my phone, whatever. We take turns each Sunday to have an afternoon of ‘me’ time. We take turns on bedtime routine. Whoever is doing the bedtime, the other preps dinner. We each have a night with 2 hours of ‘me time’ during the week. I have the baby most week overnights (my choice as dp works while I am on mat leave, and the baby sleeps well - he would do weeknights too though so I can catch up on sleep). He makes me breakfast and brings me coffee every single morning before he starts work. If it’s been a bad night (rarely, been lucky so few and far between) he takes the baby so I can get a quick nap in before he starts work. I clock on when he does, and clock off when he does - outside of working hours everything is shared 50-50, and where it isn’t it’s still on offer.

Dp also has a console but me and the baby take priority. I wouldn’t accept anything less than what he’s doing, but to be honest it wouldn’t occur to him to want to be any less involved.

Are you going back to work OP? How do you picture things working then?
He needs to be way more involved now so he can cope when you are back at work.

He should be doing half the cooking and cleaning (dividing thins so he does the bins and dishwasher is not remotely even) and he needs to know how to care for his child. This comes with practice. He needs more practice!!
He also does nowhere near as much as all the good dads I know.

Time for a serious talk

@JustAnotherMumma81

Yeah I don't really want to do the chart - sorry and thank you to that pp who suggested it but it sounds like a lot of work.

What frustrates me is when he says he does more than most men. We don't know many people with children, so he only has one friend who's a dad and I dont think he knows the full details of that guy's home life. When I say "like who" he says that he bets all the men at his work don't do half as much as he does. It's just conjecture and we have no way of knowing but I feel like I can't argue with that - which is probably why he says it. What do I say? How can I get him to see my pov?

Right now we are both angry and defensive which is causing a horrible atmosphere and I just want to be able to talk constructively. We used to be best friends

The argument that he is doing more than most men is irrelevant. What's relevant is that things are equal between you. Equal leisure time. And accepting that he is just as much a parent to your child as you are.

Are you planning to be a SAHM? To be honest it’s not horrendous what you have put OP. It sounds reasonable that you should be able to do your short work outs.

I would go back to work if I were you though.

There was a thread the other day people gave there experience on how it didn’t go exactly as planned. Well for some mums they loved it. Some mums regretted it even though it seemed like a great idea at the time.

The argument that he is doing more than most men is irrelevant.

This ^

"Since what other men do is basically something you're pulling out of your arse, and you are an individual man, not most men, let's put that argument aside. It's 2021, and hopefully you agree that I am your equal and your partner, and that we are both parents and equally capable and equally responsible human beings. As such, I expect you to step up and allow me to have a bloody shower in peace and break for myself, like I allow you."

“he does bins, and fills and emptied dishwasher so I never do those. I do laundry but to be fair he helps out with this now we have a baby. I do the cleaning and grocery shops.”

Not RTFT. Unless I’m missing something, though, that doesn’t sound like a very fair division of labour. Emptying bins and filling and emptying the dishwasher takes very little time compared to cleaning, laundry and shopping. I think you should revisit your share of those chores also.

so he thinks he does plenty does he. But then before work is out a its "not fair" he may or may not pop out for 5 minutes during the day or for bathtime but then its back to work until supper - at what 8.30 9 ish when baby is in bed....

He does feck all

He is losing his boundaries between home and work - if he starts earlier he needs to finish earlier - get him to define working hours and what he will be responsible for each day in terms of chores (he should still have some you are not his maid) and which days he will be responsible for supper. Try not to get upset ad row and just ask him to take his share

his current chores sound the same as a 12 yr olds to be honest