Please help - co-parenting argument with DH

[JustAnotherMumma81]

Please can anyone offer support / handhold and advice / tips for me after a huge disagreement I had with my husband over co-parenting this morning? I am interested to know how other mums organise things where you are the SAHP and your DH/DP works.

My DH works from home right now, in a corporate sort of job. In normal times he doesn't start till about 10am use but works long hours till late and is on call at weekends. The commute to nearest city used to take an hour so normally he'd leave home at 9am. (Some says he might have an early meeting). Since wfh he's generally got to his desk around 9am - 9.30 and says he wants to continue starting work earlier as he feels more organised.

I am at home looking after our 6mo dd all day. My thoughts are that between when we both wake up around 7/7.30 and when he starts work we should share the parenting duties equally, allowing each other time to get showered and dressed. Recently I've started doing a home workout dvd in the morning. (Getting fit after my c-section which is really important to me). It takes about 20 mins. Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready.

Some days I don't feel it's possible to do all this without him helping with the baby a bit. To be fair on him he often gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me.

Today I felt I couldn't do my workout as the baby was quite restless and needing attention. So instead I was playing with her but I also was thinking if I could still do my workout if my DH watched the baby for 20 minutes. This was at 8am. My DH said that it wasn't fair and that he wanted to start work at 8.30 today and I was putting him in a difficult position. I didn't know he wanted to start work early. I then said ok I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him. He says he thinks he does "more than everyone else" in the parenting dept.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad. I had a horrible c-section and he was amazing with our newborn. Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time most days which is lovely, and also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something. He is honestly great.

However, the bugbear which we can't seem to resolve is the mornings before work. I really feel that the morning should be shared between us until we both start "work" - at whatever time that is agreed. I see my "work" as looking after my baby during the day and all the household stuff that goes with it. DH feels he should be prioritised I think, reading between the lines because he's bringing in the money.

I feel so upsett and shaken as we had a blazing row about this concept this morning and we never normally argue. We tend to be very harmonious but it all came bubbling up for me today. I've never felt so angry and upset with him. I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty as soon as I open my eyes right up until baby goes to bed. I don't know if this is rational of me. I feel like it's hard enough, and that my identity has gone, but to not even have a minute to myself in the mornings is hard. I felt so angry I had to go to the loo and let out a quick sob, before coming back to look after baby. I'm gutted baby was there whilst this row too place- she's never seen us row before and it's not good. I feel terrible.

For context my baby only naps 30 mins at a time (that's another thread). I'm working on it, but it means I don't get a good chunk of time to catch up during the day. Also for contact I do all the bedtimes as DH goes back to his desk after bath time, and then I make our dinner. I'm not complaining or anything as I always knew parenting would be tough. It's relentless in lockdown for everyone I know and this might not be helping matters.

I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm so upset and confused. I've come out for a long walk to get away. Husband said we shouldn't speak to each other today or we will end up arguing. I suggested we speak tonight once baby is in bed to work out how we do things better. I don't know if he wants to.

Sorry for my rambling post. Please can anyone advise or help? Am I just being ridiculous about how I envisage the mornings?

[quote JustAnotherMumma81]@Knitwit99 to be honest I feel like my 20 mins workout in the morning is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. It literally feels like the only time where I feel in control of myself, and empowered. The rest of the time I feel who I was has gone. I want to do it in the mornings because I know myself, and it sets me up for a better day MH wise. If I leave it till evening I won't do it as I'll lose motivation and then that will knock me down even more, iyswim.[/quote]
It sounds as if you are struggling with the idea of being a mother and the responsibility that comes with that . It's not the be all and end all of your life although it may feel like that currently .

@MrsWindass

To be fair on him he OFTEN gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me

Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time MOST days which is lovely

also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something

Yup having a baby is shit at times - you realise suddenly that someone else comes before you . Your post seems a bit contradictory though ? We don't all have the luxury of time alone to shower . All this because you didn't get to do your DVD workout ?

That's why I posted because I can't see the wood for the trees about it all - very frustrated and above all overwhelmed by it. So I don't know what is normal.

I feel like doing a 20 minute workout in lieu of having a shower alone is a fair expectation, but you sound like you disagree?

It sounds as if you are struggling with the idea of being a mother and the responsibility that comes with that . It's not the be all and end all of your life although it may feel like that currently .

Really? Is this a genuine observation written by another mum? I take full responsibility of my child and work incredibly hard at it. I don't feel I'm struggling with being a mum actually, just that I wanted a bit of equality in the mornings before the day started.

@JustAnotherMumma81

It sounds as if you are struggling with the idea of being a mother and the responsibility that comes with that . It's not the be all and end all of your life although it may feel like that currently .

Really? Is this a genuine observation written by another mum? I take full responsibility of my child and work incredibly hard at it. I don't feel I'm struggling with being a mum actually, just that I wanted a bit of equality in the mornings before the day started.

Of course I am a mother . I wouldn't post otherwise . I'm not doubting your actions at all more the image you have of yourself in your head currently that you have lost yourself etc ....this is natural and will pass .

He answer was he would get his OWN dinner? That's his discussion?
What a shit thing to say. Are you not a family?

I think a discussion is needed where you sort the mornings. Get those working for both of you then tackle the rest.

Lay it out to him. You have a job (baby and house) during the hours he has his job. So sit and split out the time for the mornings. Agree a suitable start time for work together. Carve up the rest into 30min slots you swap over.

And he isn't a great dad because a great dad would want to parent his own child, not feel obliged to.

I'm going to give you this from the other perspective.

3 days a week, my DH is a SAHD while I WFH (the rest of the time i WFH, he WOH and DD goes to nursery). On his days at home, there are 3 different ways we do things. We probably do each of these every week.

1. we both get up with DD and tag team breakfast, dressing etc - we all eat together and hang out together and get ready together. No one gets a lie in, but everyone gets enough time to eat/dress/shower and we get family time. These are my favourites.

1. I get up with DD, and get her dressed, breakfasted and played with, then hand her over to DH just before I start work. He has a lie in, but he has to juggle childcare with his own getting ready.

1. He gets up with DD and does her morning, and then wakes me up with coffee in time for me to get ready for work.

During the day, i take my lunch break to feed DD and put her down for her nap so DH gets a break.

Baby dinner and bedtime, and our dinner, we do together or take in turns.

Basically, we are a team, and i do as much as i possibly can round work. Mainly, because i love my DD and like spending time with her, and because i love my DH and want to help him out.

Seems like he doesn’t respect you at all if he can’t give you 20mins. Just to let you know while I was on mat leave DH was doing all nappy changes and took baby early in the morning and shared all the nights (even when he had to travel to work) - he used to drive 2 hours each way for meetings and would leave a bit earlier so he could sleep on the way. That’s going extra and being a good father.

What your DH is doing is anything but

To be honest, this was a constant issue in my marriage while kids were babies. It never got resolved. Now kids are big and interactive and can dress themselves, he gets them breakfast every day even before work and interacts with them constantly. It’s totally switched and it’s now tricky for me to get any time with them without him being involved. He wasn’t interested when there was nothing in it for him. Now he can do Dad jokes and be worshipped he’s all over them like a fly on shit. Buzz buzz buzz. It’s very annoying because it’s been all or nothing.

What I used to do was take baby in the shower with me. Or in a bouncy chair in the bathroom. In bouncy chair in front of CBeebies while I did a 15 min ab workout. I then found a gym with a crèche and put baby in for an hour while I did workout and a swim. Workout how to cope yourself. You’re not going to get fairness. Resentment will build and destroy your marriage. Buy in help. Do what you need to do to get a break but take him out of the equation. A twat is a twat.

He is helpful just before bath time. I'm usually exhausted by then and need to prepare baby's bed time buys like milk bottles, get pyjamas out, run bath etc and he often takes her for half an hour or so, so I can get everything organised and wash up dinner bits etc.

I'm not defending his behaviour this morning but don't want this post to be skewed into a husband bashing thread. I'm angry with him but trying to be fair and reasonable.

How much downtime does he have over a whole week?

How much do you have?

How often does he take her out alone?

@tootysweety that was exactly my plan before the pandemic (nursery and gym time).

@tootysweety

What I used to do was take baby in the shower with me. Or in a bouncy chair in the bathroom. In bouncy chair in front of CBeebies while I did a 15 min ab workout. I then found a gym with a crèche and put baby in for an hour while I did workout and a swim. Workout how to cope yourself. You’re not going to get fairness. Resentment will build and destroy your marriage. Buy in help. Do what you need to do to get a break but take him out of the equation. A twat is a twat.

But taking him out of the equation and you might as well be a single parent. What's the point of a partner if they're not supportive. That's managing a child and a twat.

OP I completely agree with you. How convenient that today your DH had to start work early. If he starts work at 9:30 am you are absolutely entitled to a bit of time before that to workout (AND shower, in my opinion). I agree it should be 50/50 until he starts work. Sadly I wouldn’t be surprised if he now has to start relaxing at his desk sipping coffee and checking the latest sport results work earlier and earlier.

@MrsWindass

To be fair on him he OFTEN gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me

Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time MOST days which is lovely

also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something

Yup having a baby is shit at times - you realise suddenly that someone else comes before you . Your post seems a bit contradictory though ? We don't all have the luxury of time alone to shower . All this because you didn't get to do your DVD workout ?

For goodness sake these comments make me so cross. When both parents are at home in the morning with one baby, showering alone is not a ‘luxury’. I bet the DH doesn’t see his morning shower as a luxury - it’s just expected that he will have the time and freedom to shower and dress. It’s only mothers that apparently have to be really grateful for the time to clean themselves!

OP I’m currently on maternity leave and my DH is working - he varies a little bit with his start time so every evening we have a quick conversation about what time he needs to start in the morning and so what time we all need to get up to fit in is both getting ready while the other looks after DD. If anything he usually makes sure I have a bit more time to myself and a coffee in bed for a few minutes as he knows I’m then on full time childcare until he’s finished for the day (at which point it’s back to equal duties)

It's not a husband bashing thread. It's people responding to what you have written.
If he can't take his child for 20 mins while you have a shower then he's not a great father. If his response is he will make his own dinner when you ask for help and not consider how you will eat, he is not a supportive partner.
If he decides to work at 8.30 and not tell you his plans on purpose, he is setting you out to fail.

I think you've blown the morning thing out of proportion tbh. Surely you can just do your exercise class while he's having his breakfast with the baby in the same room as him? And you can put baby safely in her cot with a toy for the 10 minutes it takes you to have a shower.

It does sound like he does a reasonable amount (I'm going to take the "I'll get my own dinner then" comment as a heat of the moment crappy thing to say and not a true reflection of his attitude to his family).

Say to him you want to divide up the mornings. 2 mornings a week you get priority to do your exercise class and have a shower and he looks after the baby, the other 3 mornings you just have to work it out for yourself. One weekend day each, or if he's not bothered about doing exercise first thing you can have 2 days at the weekend.

He does a 'reasonable amount' is not good enough.
Imagine if a mum came on here and said that. She would get torn to pieces.
He's a father. He should get on with it like mothers have to.

For us, if we were in the house, we were doing 50/50.

So from wake up until dh left for work, 50/50. Nobody sitting quietly having a coffee, all hands on deck. If you are in the shower the other one has the baby, if nappy/washing/dressing/feeding needs doing, whoever is holding the baby does it.

Once dh was home from work, again, 50/50. One person has baby while other one cooks and so on.

It is fundamentally accepting that looking after the baby is a job. So he gets home at say 6, and wants to sit down. Great, but you are still 'at work' aren't you?

Of course, babies vary, and as the one at home, I often managed to get stuff done, eg dinner made earlier in the day, or cleaning/shopping etc, but with a difficult baby, even those things may not happen. And of course people have early meetings, or a bad day, and then the situation changes.

My brother was the first one in my family to have kids, and I remember him saying when their baby was a few months old - babies are relentless. That is the only word to describe it - relentless!

Thye are, and that change in shocking, and it often takes the man longer to come to terms with the fatc that their time is no longer their own.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

How much downtime does he have over a whole week?

How much do you have?

How often does he take her out alone?

Hard to say. Sometimes if he finishes work while I'm doing bedtime he'll play PlayStation for an hour it so. Baby sleeps by 8 normally so we then eat dinner and watch an episode of tv show or go to bed and read. We are lucky our baby sleeps well.

At weekends I've requested a lie in - doesn't always happen. I also have a long shower every weekend to make up for all the days I go without showering during the week!

At weekends we try and share to give each other time to ourselves. However he is on call so often will suddenly have to work. Also because i am the main carer I've set up all the nap schedules and weaning routines so DH has to be instructed quite a lot to the extent it's not really a break iyswim. Last Sunday I was meant to have a 2 hour break, and I read my book for 30 mins before I was needed.

My little one is 4 months old and her dad wfh. I get up with her throughout the night and she wakes early am like 5/6 then she goes down for her first nap at 7.30ish and usually wakes up after 30 to 40 mins in which time hubby takes over till he starts work at 9.30 so I can have a little more sleep or have a shower. He also likes doing her bedtime routine, we tend to split it and share doing it. This wont last forever I.e. him wfh and he wants to make the most of the time he has with her. Just wanted to offer that as a comparison as he says he does more than most in the parenting department. On a personal level I think your husband should be enabling you to feel more in control of your day ie shower and work out as your mental health is important too...I know when I dont her changed till 1pm which does happen with fussy babies the whole day feels wasted or a bit pants. Also re shower sometimes I'll have her in the bathroom with me in a bouncer or she plays on the bed in the room where dh works and I'm very quick. Would it help if he kinda told you his plans for working early etc in advance, my dh is on site or in meetings early sometimes so will inform me if hes leaving early in advance so I know I wont have that back up in the morning. We dont have an equal division of labour in the house generally but I like my environment very neat and tidy so when she naps I tend to clean and tidy and we make a point as a couple of spending evenings together.

Stop letting men off the hook when it comes to their children.
Stop asking. You are just as important as him.

@Knitwit99 DH doesn't have breakfast. He gets up, showers, dressed then to desk with coffee.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad.

No, he's not. He's a lazy parent who sees the boring stuff as women's work. Don't have another baby with this man unless he changes.