Please help - co-parenting argument with DH

[JustAnotherMumma81]

Please can anyone offer support / handhold and advice / tips for me after a huge disagreement I had with my husband over co-parenting this morning? I am interested to know how other mums organise things where you are the SAHP and your DH/DP works.

My DH works from home right now, in a corporate sort of job. In normal times he doesn't start till about 10am use but works long hours till late and is on call at weekends. The commute to nearest city used to take an hour so normally he'd leave home at 9am. (Some says he might have an early meeting). Since wfh he's generally got to his desk around 9am - 9.30 and says he wants to continue starting work earlier as he feels more organised.

I am at home looking after our 6mo dd all day. My thoughts are that between when we both wake up around 7/7.30 and when he starts work we should share the parenting duties equally, allowing each other time to get showered and dressed. Recently I've started doing a home workout dvd in the morning. (Getting fit after my c-section which is really important to me). It takes about 20 mins. Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready.

Some days I don't feel it's possible to do all this without him helping with the baby a bit. To be fair on him he often gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me.

Today I felt I couldn't do my workout as the baby was quite restless and needing attention. So instead I was playing with her but I also was thinking if I could still do my workout if my DH watched the baby for 20 minutes. This was at 8am. My DH said that it wasn't fair and that he wanted to start work at 8.30 today and I was putting him in a difficult position. I didn't know he wanted to start work early. I then said ok I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him. He says he thinks he does "more than everyone else" in the parenting dept.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad. I had a horrible c-section and he was amazing with our newborn. Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time most days which is lovely, and also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something. He is honestly great.

However, the bugbear which we can't seem to resolve is the mornings before work. I really feel that the morning should be shared between us until we both start "work" - at whatever time that is agreed. I see my "work" as looking after my baby during the day and all the household stuff that goes with it. DH feels he should be prioritised I think, reading between the lines because he's bringing in the money.

I feel so upsett and shaken as we had a blazing row about this concept this morning and we never normally argue. We tend to be very harmonious but it all came bubbling up for me today. I've never felt so angry and upset with him. I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty as soon as I open my eyes right up until baby goes to bed. I don't know if this is rational of me. I feel like it's hard enough, and that my identity has gone, but to not even have a minute to myself in the mornings is hard. I felt so angry I had to go to the loo and let out a quick sob, before coming back to look after baby. I'm gutted baby was there whilst this row too place- she's never seen us row before and it's not good. I feel terrible.

For context my baby only naps 30 mins at a time (that's another thread). I'm working on it, but it means I don't get a good chunk of time to catch up during the day. Also for contact I do all the bedtimes as DH goes back to his desk after bath time, and then I make our dinner. I'm not complaining or anything as I always knew parenting would be tough. It's relentless in lockdown for everyone I know and this might not be helping matters.

I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm so upset and confused. I've come out for a long walk to get away. Husband said we shouldn't speak to each other today or we will end up arguing. I suggested we speak tonight once baby is in bed to work out how we do things better. I don't know if he wants to.

Sorry for my rambling post. Please can anyone advise or help? Am I just being ridiculous about how I envisage the mornings?

So he lies in bed until shortly before he starts work at 10am??

It doesn't sound like he does jack shit tbh. He tootles off to his office, plays on his PlayStation, and 'helps you' for the odd 5min he can squeeze into his ever so busy day here and there 🙄. I bet he miraculously manages to find longer time to spend pissing about on the playstation than he does interacting with his child? He is not supposed to be 'doing you a favour', he supposed to helping parent and raise his baby too. I'd point out to him if you split up over him being an apparently useless article, he'll have to find better time management skills than currently as he'll be looking after baby completely on his own during those times.

I forgot to add that dd is formula fed as I had terrible problems Breast feeding. Pumped for first 4 months. She has one night feed which DH and I take in turns. He often states this as an example of how he does more than other dads- which is probably true if their wives are breast feeding.

Wow. In sorry but does he want a medal?
What man even says that?

We have a 5 month old and a 10 year old (homeschooling is HELL)! My DH is working from home at the moment but we both get up at 7am, I feed the baby and DH gets ready. Once he is fed DH takes him downstairs to play for an hour or so and I sleep! DH works 6 days a week and would never ever expect me to do it all, he does the larger share of helping DD with her homeschooling as well because let’s be honest babies are exhausting and he is always trying to get me to sleep whenever baby does. X

I’m breastfeeding too but baby has one bottle at 10pm and my DH does this EVERY night without question!

Also because i am the main carer I've set up all the nap schedules and weaning routines so DH has to be instructed quite a lot to the extent it's not really a break iyswim.

This has to stop.
Let him find his own way with the baby.
Have a basic set of instructions eg the baby food is HERE. She eats about THIS much. Nap times are usually xx yy zz.

Then leave him to it. Go out for a walk, do not come back too soon. In fatc drive roudn the corner with a thermos of coffee and your book and sit in the car in a layby (would suggets a cafe but - Covid)

It is really important that you don't bail him out. He needs to learn to do it on his own. Possibly his way, and you may not like his way - tough, he is her parent too. If his way works, then fine. Even if it doens't work, then he has to find a way that does.
It is a form of learned helplessness - darling I can't find the bottle. Darling where are the bibs. Darling I can't.....
So you don;t get a break, and he perpetuates the idea that he is helping you. NO HE ISN'T he is caring for his own child. he has ot learn how to do it. Himself. Without you.
And that goes for naps and bedtime too.

Sod the whole - I do more than most dads.

He is 50% her parent, so why does he think you should do his share?

DH doesn't have breakfast. He gets up, showers, dressed then to desk with coffee

Okay, that's cheeky. He could get up half an hour earlier so you can do your class.

I would pop her on the bed beside him then go off and get started.

I'd also be really infuriated by the 'we shouldn't talk about this again today' comment 😠. He's basically trying to shut down your opinions, and any chance of resolving the situation by having a discussion. It doesn't have to be an arguement, you're an adult who is fully entitled to be able to express your point of view. Instead he's trying to fob you off and shut you up because he doesn't want to hear it.

How needed could you really be after half an hour reading, with a bottle fed baby and full grown adult human man?!

You weren't needed.

Either you're too rigid about how things are done or he's a lazy git who isn't making an effort. Or bit of both.

And having a long shower at the weekend does not make up for missed showers during the week.

Set some proper expectations. You get to wash alone every day, you get to do your exercise. If he has an hour to game in the evening, then you have that hour in the morning to exercise or read or whatever the fuck you want.

20 mins to yourself a day when you have a baby and a "partner" in the house is not a bloody luxury - it is the absolute minimum!!!

Doesn't matter whether you want to work out, or stare out the window!

You say that you and DH get up 7-7.30 and he starts work 9-9.30.

That (2 hours) is plenty of time for 2 adults between them to meet one baby's needs and get themselves showered and do a short workout.

You just need to agree a plan and stick to it eg you have 7-8 to workout and shower while DH gets baby breakfasted and changed then you take baby 8-9 while DH does what he needs to do- which may include starting work earlier, with a coffee, if he wants to.

@JustAnotherMumma81

I understand that you're looking for constructive ideas/advice to help resolve the issue of 'before work' time.................however I'm distracted by some of the other things you've said............

e.g
''DH feels he should be prioritised''

''I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him''

''I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty''

''He is helpful just before bath time. I'm usually exhausted by then and need to prepare baby's bed time buys like milk bottles, get pyjamas out, run bath etc and he often takes her for half an hour or so, so I can get everything organised and wash up dinner bits etc''

''at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something''

''Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready''

'' if he finishes work while I'm doing bedtime he'll play PlayStation for an hour it so''

''At weekends I've requested a lie in - doesn't always happen. I also have a long shower every weekend to make up for all the days I go without showering during the week''

''Last Sunday I was meant to have a 2 hour break, and I read my book for 30 mins before I was needed''

ALL these were just on the first 2 pages, I haven't even read the third page of replies yet !

I'm afraid you indeed cannot ''see the wood for the trees!''

I think you're going to have to put it in a form your DH will understand and not be able to argue with.

1. Takes notes for a week of what you both do and the time it takes etc e.g shower- 10 mins, feed baby- 30 mins etc

1. Make out a chart for each of you, for 7 days, for a whole 24hr period each day & colour chart it eg baby time- red, work time- blue....

1. Show him the bloody charts !!!!

It will show, in real terms, exactly how much 'free time' each of you has as well as how much 'work' time (include shopping, cleaning, cooking, sorting finances etc as work) as well as 'baby time'.

Every time he has baby, it's only so you can do yet another bloody job !

I understand that he feels he ''does more than others'' ?? Show him exactly how little he does !

The chart will prove to him that he actually has 'free time', but you don't!

I actually think you also need to make a household 'chore chart' and actually divide it equally, because at the moment, you both still seem to think all the household chores are your job !

Haven't you both realized yet that the baby is a full time job without adding all the housework, washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc on top ???? (The fact that you can't do it unless someone else has baby really proves the point ! )

Please stop trying to ''do it all'' and bloody begging him to ''see your point of view'', because he won't until you show him the factual evidence.

And as for the ''I'll get my own tea'' ??????............FFS, he's a prize pillock to say that ! So you can still cook your own and babys' tea??

That's a whole other thread in itself !

Are you keeping an eye on when he’s on call at the weekend - is it usually when he’s to look after his child?
He’s entitled and lazy - is he actually starting work at 8.30? Or is he avoiding parenting.
He feels it’s ok to jump on his PS4 - ah didums!!!
Stop making him a drink - stop pandering to his needs.
Tell him yes he can make his own dinner but to make yours too!!!

OP have you told your DH these exact words :

to be honest I feel like my 20 mins workout in the morning is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. It literally feels like the only time where I feel in control of myself, and empowered. The rest of the time I feel who I was has gone. I want to do it in the mornings because I know myself, and it sets me up for a better day MH wise. If I leave it till evening I won't do it as I'll lose motivation and then that will knock me down even more, iyswim

I find I sometimes don't explain myself very well to DH, particularly if I'm cross or angry, it all comes spilling out wrong. He needs to know, in very clear terms, how you are feeling at the moment, particularly during this pandemic when you can't get out to baby classess/coffee with friends/gym with creche etc, it's a shit time to be on maternity leave.

Ok, he's working from home and not in the office, but his life hasn't changed as much as yours!

I used to have a long commute to and from the office which, now that I mainly wfh, I really miss. It was some alone time and I could use it to catch up on work if needed, but often I would read the paper or a book, listen to music, daydream. It was bliss and a wonderful no-man's land between work and home life. It may be that he misses this ritual at the bookend of each working day. However, we are in the midst of a bloody pandemic and he needs to suck it up! Just because, in normal circumstances, you'd be on your own between x time and y time; that doesn't not mean that he gets to seize these hours as his luxury big boy special time. What a man-baby.
Please take my advice - lay some ground rules NOW about what is acceptable in terms of his input during each working day because this will only get worse. And as a pp said, there is always a fecking games console involved with these types. (I say that unfortunately as the partner of a similarly disappointing man.)

Sod doing a chaet. More work on you and more energy for you to 'fix this'

You're not his mother, housekeeper or cook.
You are a family. You are parents.
This should be a natural step to want to care for each other. He doesn't seem to have that in him?

You sound like he's doing you a favour by letting you have a shower.

*chart

You're not being unreasonable, and your husband is being defensive and ridiculous.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB or that he's a lazy git. You're both in the trenches right now, and how you think/feel/treat each other likely isn't representative of what you're capable of when you're not under so much pressure.

You've told us you had a traumatic birth, problem breastfeeding, pumped for months (you poor thing, well done) oh and there is a raging pandemic which has isolated you both at a time when most new families need support. Becoming a mother, being financially dependent on your partner for the first time, are dramatic life changes under good circumstances, let alone what you have weathered.

You've said you've lost yourself and the workout is when you feel in control. So it's not just a shower, or 20 minutes or a workout tape- that's why you are overwhelmed and don't even know what you're fighting about or entitled to ask for.

I had a similarly intense argument with my husband (with whom I had literally never argued before) when our first child was 4 months old. It gets better, if he's otherwise a decent man then be kind to each other. Even when he is being a twat, which he is.

That said, of course he should share responsibility with you in the morning. He's acting like a knob.. He doesn't get a hero's parade for feeding his own child once at night - you likely pumped around the clock for months!!! Where is your medal?!

You need a shower. You should have time to yourself every day. You deserve empathy, thanks and support from the person you have pledged to share your life with and whose baby you carried.

He sounds like he's digging his heels in and you're both angry (you rightfully, him: not so much).

I would give it time, a few days, and then ask to have a constructive discussion based on empathy for the other person.

I would suggest sitting down and writing a daily timetable, so you have time to shower and exercise, he has time to work, factor in household chores & meal times in.

Do one as it stands now and then do one as you would like it to be and talk through it.

As a pp suggested, he can sit DD on a playmat or in a travel cot with some toys while you shower or exercise and keep an eye on her

Oh, and for the record, when DD was small and woke up for a breastfeed, DH would then change her nappy and get her back to sleep so I could get an extra 15-20 mins in before she woke up for the next one!

If DD wakes in the night now (13 months) DH is the one who goes through and settles her. If she has a really unsettled night, I get up at 6am with her and DH goes back to sleep for a bit.

You are both parents, you both need to contribute and parent, not just when it's convenient for him!

Thank you @CupOfTeaAlonePlease your post has really spoken to me and everything you say makes sense. I feel discombobulated because we've never argued before and right now we are each other's only support.

You've prob never argue before like because automatically your needs come 2nd?
I agree with @cupofteaaloneplease.
Be kind to yourself. And he should be kind to you too as your partner.
A grown man who manages a full time job doesn't need charts or timetables like a child. He doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Yeah I don't really want to do the chart - sorry and thank you to that pp who suggested it but it sounds like a lot of work.

What frustrates me is when he says he does more than most men. We don't know many people with children, so he only has one friend who's a dad and I dont think he knows the full details of that guy's home life. When I say "like who" he says that he bets all the men at his work don't do half as much as he does. It's just conjecture and we have no way of knowing but I feel like I can't argue with that - which is probably why he says it. What do I say? How can I get him to see my pov?

Right now we are both angry and defensive which is causing a horrible atmosphere and I just want to be able to talk constructively. We used to be best friends