Please help - co-parenting argument with DH

[JustAnotherMumma81]

Please can anyone offer support / handhold and advice / tips for me after a huge disagreement I had with my husband over co-parenting this morning? I am interested to know how other mums organise things where you are the SAHP and your DH/DP works.

My DH works from home right now, in a corporate sort of job. In normal times he doesn't start till about 10am use but works long hours till late and is on call at weekends. The commute to nearest city used to take an hour so normally he'd leave home at 9am. (Some says he might have an early meeting). Since wfh he's generally got to his desk around 9am - 9.30 and says he wants to continue starting work earlier as he feels more organised.

I am at home looking after our 6mo dd all day. My thoughts are that between when we both wake up around 7/7.30 and when he starts work we should share the parenting duties equally, allowing each other time to get showered and dressed. Recently I've started doing a home workout dvd in the morning. (Getting fit after my c-section which is really important to me). It takes about 20 mins. Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready.

Some days I don't feel it's possible to do all this without him helping with the baby a bit. To be fair on him he often gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me.

Today I felt I couldn't do my workout as the baby was quite restless and needing attention. So instead I was playing with her but I also was thinking if I could still do my workout if my DH watched the baby for 20 minutes. This was at 8am. My DH said that it wasn't fair and that he wanted to start work at 8.30 today and I was putting him in a difficult position. I didn't know he wanted to start work early. I then said ok I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him. He says he thinks he does "more than everyone else" in the parenting dept.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad. I had a horrible c-section and he was amazing with our newborn. Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time most days which is lovely, and also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something. He is honestly great.

However, the bugbear which we can't seem to resolve is the mornings before work. I really feel that the morning should be shared between us until we both start "work" - at whatever time that is agreed. I see my "work" as looking after my baby during the day and all the household stuff that goes with it. DH feels he should be prioritised I think, reading between the lines because he's bringing in the money.

I feel so upsett and shaken as we had a blazing row about this concept this morning and we never normally argue. We tend to be very harmonious but it all came bubbling up for me today. I've never felt so angry and upset with him. I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty as soon as I open my eyes right up until baby goes to bed. I don't know if this is rational of me. I feel like it's hard enough, and that my identity has gone, but to not even have a minute to myself in the mornings is hard. I felt so angry I had to go to the loo and let out a quick sob, before coming back to look after baby. I'm gutted baby was there whilst this row too place- she's never seen us row before and it's not good. I feel terrible.

For context my baby only naps 30 mins at a time (that's another thread). I'm working on it, but it means I don't get a good chunk of time to catch up during the day. Also for contact I do all the bedtimes as DH goes back to his desk after bath time, and then I make our dinner. I'm not complaining or anything as I always knew parenting would be tough. It's relentless in lockdown for everyone I know and this might not be helping matters.

I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm so upset and confused. I've come out for a long walk to get away. Husband said we shouldn't speak to each other today or we will end up arguing. I suggested we speak tonight once baby is in bed to work out how we do things better. I don't know if he wants to.

Sorry for my rambling post. Please can anyone advise or help? Am I just being ridiculous about how I envisage the mornings?

Stop being so grateful every time he steps up the plate. He is your baby's dad.

Even your division of chores is way out of whack - doing bins and the dishwasher takes minutes. Who is washing the floors, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, changing the sheets?

And he takes the baby sometimes so you can do chores? What a prince.

Get angry - don't use the 'I don't want to fight' to let him carve this out. You need to draw your boundaries now because it's only going to get worse if they become more entrenched.

Your life has changed immeasurably since you had a child and his has changed very little. You both need time to exercise and shower and eat.

And I bet you £100 that he is not actually working the entire time he's sitting in his office. He is avoiding parenting because it's boring.

I mean this nicely and not having a go but you do need to fight for your needs. Not physically obvs and not arguing but telling him and acting it out. No asking. Telling him you are having a shower. Tell him he is making the family dinner once in a while.
You are both equals. He is not in charge.
You've been best friends and not argued before because you didn't have a baby to upset the status quo. Everything changes when you have a baby. Everything. He need to step up.

Doing one night feed is certainly is not more than most men do. He doesn't know that. He's trying to keep you quiet and accept it that what he is doing is amazing. It's really not.

Actually not once in a while, 50% minimum

I would talk to him about alternating who's on baby duty in the mornings.

That way he knows which days he'll be able to start work early and you know which days you'll be able to do your DVD.

I was on maternity leave for almost a year with Ds1. Dh worked full time with an hour commute to the office. Every morning Dh would take Ds so that I could feel human by having a shower and getting dressed.

Interesting that your Dh gets an uninterrupted shower every morning isn't it? I wonder how he would feel if he didn't get to do that?

Dh would also make me a lunch and put it in the fridge.

Then he would go into work early so he could leave early and be home in time to take Ds off me the second he walked in the door, he would make me a cup of tea and then take Ds upstairs and chatted to him whilst he got changed out of work clothes. He would give me a lovely half hour of peace and quiet. Then he would start Ds's bath time routine. He would often make dinner if I hadn't had time to stick something in the slow cooker.

I went back to work when Ds was 1 and we worked nursery drop offs and pick ups between us before I became a SAHM. When Ds2 was born, we chose morning sessions for Ds1 for pre-school (3 years old) so that Dh could parent both his sons and I could get showered and dressed. Then I took Ds1 to pre-school with a newborn. He would go to work once all parenting duty was done.

This is how it should be, division of parenting, Dh got up in the night and not just once a week. When both parents are home then you divide the responsibility. Also every Saturday Dh had a lie in and every Sunday I had my lie in. This is why we are still married after 21 years because I didn't ever feel like I wanted to bury him under the patio.

If parenting is so easy, then he can take a week off work and do it all, shower, go to the toilet and have to consider what he will do with the baby just like you do now. I wonder if he ever does that or whether you share it all every weekend. ie has he ever parented his baby alone for hours on end? Yes, Dh did, I even went away for weekends with friends.

Are most peoples babies way easier to put down than mine then? I keep seeing everyone suggest baby just put down whilst she exercises or showers or makes dinner.

I cannot do this with my 8 month old. He’s been crawling since 5 months and now walking already.
If I put him in a bouncer in bathroom he just climbs up and out the straps.
If I put him in cot to shower, he just screams, hits head on cot bars after 30 seconds and then starts holding his breath and hyperventilating until he turns blue.
I bought a stair gate, he does the same as of cot. Literally constantly headbangs until large bruise on head, and holds his breathe

The only time I get alone is if dh takes over.

There are definitely easier babies, @caspianberg. My sympathies, and I hope your dh is stepping up for you. It will pass.

I second @OnTheBenchOfDoom this is what parenting should look like.

When my DD was less than 9 months and still up in the night I did all the nights as I was bf- because of this my DH did all the mornings- every day. When I night weaned her she started mostly sleeping through, we shared night wakings and mornings equally. Now that she sleeps all night reliably we take turn about with mornings, some weeks you get 2 lie ins the next week you get 3! Obviously the mornings are yours to do what you please so I choose to sleep but you would probably prefer to work out and shower.

You can't change someone's personality though, especially when they're so set in their ways they can't see that they're doing anything wrong. I recently read Caitlin Moran's "more than a woman" and would recommend it. Her #1 bit of advice for success is "don't marry a cunt" and it's so true!

My DH leaves early for work. Before he leaves we each have 30 mins to ourselves to get ready for the day. The other person is looking after the toddler/baby, giving them breakfast or getting them dressed or is on call to be with them if they're still asleep. When he gets in from work he does Bath time while I have some time to myself. We both do bedtime, I do the baby atm, he sees to the toddler. At the weekends we try to each have a lie in on one day. We're a team and try to split things 50:50 when he isn't at work. It's not perfect, sometimes I take longer than my 30 mins in the morning, or he doesn't remember to take the toddler to the toilet while I have my lie in.

That's what I'd be asking for, 50 50 or close to it outside of work. And also for better communication around if he has to work early/late. You're not a mind reader.

I'd also try to see if you can arrange to leave him with the baby a bit more on the weekend/days off. Meet a friend for a walk with a coffee and leave him home with the baby, then go food shopping if you need to. Don't prepare everything for him, or leave a schedule before you go. I think he needs to see what its like for you and to work out how to look after his baby by himself too.

@Caspianberg yes Ds1 was text book I could lay him in his cot awake and he would fall asleep. He was very content most of the time.

Ds2 had severe reflux, was in a lot of pain, and under the care of a paediatrician. I carried him so much I bought a sling, he slept upright on me in the day and was put into his cot half asleep. He did this until he was about 14 months old. So yes, some babies cannot be put down.

But the OP is not a lone parent, she has a perfectly healthy husband who needs to get his arse out of bed and parent his child so his wife can just shower, madness, shower, the most basic of daily things. Then he needs to keep hold of that baby whilst she does her exercise routine.

Resentment can completely kill a marriage.

He is having a quiet day at work, and has nothing to do until a meeting late afternoon. He was littering about making coffee etc, whilst I got dd to nap. He asked if he could do anything to help. He organised a parcel we need to return and then we both emptied the dishwasher together. We are going to go for walk with baby and talk.

*pottering not littering

So you want time for yourself in the morning for your hobby, in addition to the time he already helps, then same in the evenings, whilst he gets to work full on during the day whilst you get a number of 1/2h just for yourself?

You are unreasonable. Surely you can do your work out during the first 1/2h she sleeps in the morning. Why does it have to be just when he gets a bit if time for himself to prepare for a demanding shift?

This really struck me: "What frustrates me is when he says he does more than most men. We don't know many people with children, so he only has one friend who's a dad and I dont think he knows the full details of that guy's home life. When I say "like who" he says that he bets all the men at his work don't do half as much as he does. It's just conjecture and we have no way of knowing but I feel like I can't argue with that - which is probably why he says it. What do I say? How can I get him to see my pov?"

The bottom line is that what other people do doesn't matter, it makes absolutely no difference to you. You're not married to them, you're married to him. Keep pulling him back to that - "I'm not talking about other couples, I'm talking about us".

Now it may be that he genuinely can't get himself settled to work in the mornings unless he goes straight to it - in that case, he pulls his weight with parenting and housework later in the day or at weekends - 50/50 leisure time, and if he doesn't consider parenting to be leisure time then he shouldn't expect you to.

I was quite scathing with DH when he complained about watching DS eat his breakfast in the high chair so I could shower in the morning before he left for work. Something along the lines of 'literally all you have to do in the morning is wash and clothe your own arse. Is that really the most you can manage?'. It's a bit of a pathetic show...

@dontdisturbmenow

So you want time for yourself in the morning for your hobby, in addition to the time he already helps, then same in the evenings, whilst he gets to work full on during the day whilst you get a number of 1/2h just for yourself?

You are unreasonable. Surely you can do your work out during the first 1/2h she sleeps in the morning. Why does it have to be just when he gets a bit if time for himself to prepare for a demanding shift?

Wow. I never said I wanted the same in the evening?!. And you've obviously never had a baby who naps 30 mins. You sound like someone who's never had a baby at all, in fact you sound like a man.

Hi OP, I work in maternal mental health. Please ignore the women (or maybe men, who knows) posters on here who say you are being unreasonable. You are NOT. Some women have low standards, some are projecting their unhappiness with their own poor partners onto you.

Firstly, you getting a shower in the morning is important for your mental health. So is getting your workout. You need space as a human being in the first months of motherhood, to recalibrate your brain from the overwhelming realisation that you are now a mother and life has changed forever. I have written academic papers on this topic, so please listen when I say, time for you each day is as important, maybe even more so, than for your DH (he still has his job, his career, his link to who he was - you currently (if you are on maternity leave) do not). Therefore, you need to MIND yourself.

Most of my work is in helping women realise that they need to take time to mind their own welfare as unless they do, they will not be able to care for their baby.

Please look after your wellbeing.

Also items to consider

Are you on maternity leave or have you decide to quit your job?

If you are on maternity leave, then you are not a SAHP - you are getting statutory leave to look after your baby - not to look after DH and his housework or dinner.

If you have become a SAHP - I think you might want to reconsider this in light of your husband's refusal to see a wife at home as anything more than a maid and a nanny.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and think as the SAHP I do feel that during the week it should be you that should be sorting the baby. I'm sure she could be entertained in a chair, walker etc for 20 mins while you do your exercise. Its pretty standard to shower whilst caring for a child.

You mentioned that he gets her dressed most days so its not like he totally ignores you & her on a morning.

That said, if your DH wants to start work earlier (to feel more organised) then he should also be finishing earlier or taking an extended lunch whilst WFH to help with lunch / bedtime etc.

Why is it relevant to him how much stuff other dads do? He's a healthy adult and the baby's father. He won't even give you 20 minutes to shower in the morning? That's poor.

I think counselling/talking therapy might help you to see each other's POV and resolve these problems before they get worse (toddlers are even more intense than babies). Are you planning to return to work?

It’s such a shame OP, your DH has an opportunity here that most working parents don’t get - to be able to work from home with their baby and lose the commuting time. It won’t last forever and he’s really missing out!

I don’t think you’re asking too much for some help that early in the morning when he’s literally right there.

If your baby naps 30mins, cant you do your 20min work out then?
I was a sahp for 6 years with 2 kids and i did almost everything. Weekends we shared housework, but i always preferred doing stuff during the week so that we can do family things on weekends.
Also, i dont think theres anything wrong with turning on the tv or console or whtever right after work to relax a bit. I can understand he doesnt feel like cooking the minute he finishes work. Wouldnt hurt to cook half an hour later.
It depends on you baby of course, but i found being a sahp way more relaxed than working. You get so many short breaks in between where you can rest etc. There are nap times and times where baby plays happily by themselves,..
if you have an extremely difficult baby, then i guess its a bit different.

@Keepingitreal14 it is not a race to the bottom. You say it is 'pretty standard' to shower while caring for a child. It isn't for the Dad? He gets an uninterrupted shower every morning. Why is the OP unreasonable to want this too?

If he isn't working it should be 50/50 child care. Not him 'helping out'.

Im sorry, I read that he helps out at bath time and that gave me a lot of rage. It drives me crazy that the father is thought of as some kind of bloody martyr for 'helping out' at bath time.

@JustAnotherMumma81

Can anyone suggest a morning schedule that you use in your marriage?

I get up really early, at about 5am. I walk the dog, get ready and get breakfast ready for our three year old, make a cup of tea for me and then cheer cup out ready for DH. At about 6:40 I get DH and three year old up, three year old has his breakfast and I get him washed and ready for nursery. I leave at 7:10. Between then and when DH leaves to take three year old to nursery, he'll clean bathroom and quickly hoover the house. I do tend to do the Tea (dinner) most nights, mainly because DH uses every utensil we own and I haven't got the energy for that. But he does the majority of bath times and story times. It's his time with his son ( I work part time so I spend more time with him) and he enjoys it.

Perhaps you should consider showing him this thread OP? If you struggle to make a clear argument in the heat of the moment. Your posts here are very coherent and really convey how much you are struggling.

[quote TheGoodEnoughWife]@Keepingitreal14 it is not a race to the bottom. You say it is 'pretty standard' to shower while caring for a child. It isn't for the Dad? He gets an uninterrupted shower every morning. Why is the OP unreasonable to want this too?

If he isn't working it should be 50/50 child care. Not him 'helping out'. [/quote]
While he’s preparing for work (as only one parent is currently working) I don’t think getting showered and dressed alone is unreasonable. Different on a weekend of course when both parents are at home.