Please help - co-parenting argument with DH

[JustAnotherMumma81]

Please can anyone offer support / handhold and advice / tips for me after a huge disagreement I had with my husband over co-parenting this morning? I am interested to know how other mums organise things where you are the SAHP and your DH/DP works.

My DH works from home right now, in a corporate sort of job. In normal times he doesn't start till about 10am use but works long hours till late and is on call at weekends. The commute to nearest city used to take an hour so normally he'd leave home at 9am. (Some says he might have an early meeting). Since wfh he's generally got to his desk around 9am - 9.30 and says he wants to continue starting work earlier as he feels more organised.

I am at home looking after our 6mo dd all day. My thoughts are that between when we both wake up around 7/7.30 and when he starts work we should share the parenting duties equally, allowing each other time to get showered and dressed. Recently I've started doing a home workout dvd in the morning. (Getting fit after my c-section which is really important to me). It takes about 20 mins. Sometimes I've managed to do everything - get baby up, fed milk, do my workout with her there keeping her involved, then make her breakfast, then read to her and put her down for a nap. When I've done this I've skipped my shower. I also always make my DH a coffee and bring it into him. Whilst all this is happening he takes a shower and gets ready.

Some days I don't feel it's possible to do all this without him helping with the baby a bit. To be fair on him he often gets the baby changed and dressed and then brings her into the kitchen to me.

Today I felt I couldn't do my workout as the baby was quite restless and needing attention. So instead I was playing with her but I also was thinking if I could still do my workout if my DH watched the baby for 20 minutes. This was at 8am. My DH said that it wasn't fair and that he wanted to start work at 8.30 today and I was putting him in a difficult position. I didn't know he wanted to start work early. I then said ok I'd skip my workout for today and just have a quick shower but he again felt this wasn't fair on him. He says he thinks he does "more than everyone else" in the parenting dept.

To be fair to him, he is a brilliant Dad. I had a horrible c-section and he was amazing with our newborn. Due to wfh he is able to step out of his office and help at bath time most days which is lovely, and also at random times he might find he has a few minutes for a break and will take baby so I can do some chores or something. He is honestly great.

However, the bugbear which we can't seem to resolve is the mornings before work. I really feel that the morning should be shared between us until we both start "work" - at whatever time that is agreed. I see my "work" as looking after my baby during the day and all the household stuff that goes with it. DH feels he should be prioritised I think, reading between the lines because he's bringing in the money.

I feel so upsett and shaken as we had a blazing row about this concept this morning and we never normally argue. We tend to be very harmonious but it all came bubbling up for me today. I've never felt so angry and upset with him. I just feel like I'm on 100% parent duty as soon as I open my eyes right up until baby goes to bed. I don't know if this is rational of me. I feel like it's hard enough, and that my identity has gone, but to not even have a minute to myself in the mornings is hard. I felt so angry I had to go to the loo and let out a quick sob, before coming back to look after baby. I'm gutted baby was there whilst this row too place- she's never seen us row before and it's not good. I feel terrible.

For context my baby only naps 30 mins at a time (that's another thread). I'm working on it, but it means I don't get a good chunk of time to catch up during the day. Also for contact I do all the bedtimes as DH goes back to his desk after bath time, and then I make our dinner. I'm not complaining or anything as I always knew parenting would be tough. It's relentless in lockdown for everyone I know and this might not be helping matters.

I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm so upset and confused. I've come out for a long walk to get away. Husband said we shouldn't speak to each other today or we will end up arguing. I suggested we speak tonight once baby is in bed to work out how we do things better. I don't know if he wants to.

Sorry for my rambling post. Please can anyone advise or help? Am I just being ridiculous about how I envisage the mornings?

What frustrates me is when he says he does more than most men. We don't know many people with children, so he only has one friend who's a dad and I dont think he knows the full details of that guy's home life. When I say "like who" he says that he bets all the men at his work don't do half as much as he does. It's just conjecture and we have no way of knowing but I feel like I can't argue with that - which is probably why he says it. What do I say? How can I get him to see my pov?

Just to address this. You’re right it’s frustrating and he’s being unfair even uttering this.

So what if “all the men” at his work do less? What’s that got to do with your home life and shared care and parenting of his baby?

Why is he happy setting the bar at some other bloke’s level - another bloke who does less? Does he think a good father is one who leaves most of it to the mother and just does a bit, or does he think a good father is an equal parent who can step up and step in whenever, confidently, without drama.

At 6 months is exactly the time to reset all these expectations. If you’re planning on going back to work it is crucial that you don’t become the “default” parent, the one who has to take all the sick days and do all the adjustments because DH can’t/won’t ask his work and his job is more important etc. If you’re not planning on going back to work it is crucial that he steps up when he’s not physically at work, because otherwise you’ll be exhausted and resentful and never able to relax.

For the mornings, if he usually leaves to commute at 9, then until 8.30 should be fair game for you to do whatever you need in the morning. He can do an hour solo in the mornings, it’s not a big ask at all. If he works evenings and is on call weekends then there needs to be an upside for you to him starting later.

@JustAnotherMumma81

To answer the pp, housework-wise we have a division of chores which we agreed a few years ago after I read Fair Play. So we each take full responsibility for some areas. Eg he does bins, and fills and emptied dishwasher so I never do those. I do laundry but to be fair he helps out with this now we have a baby. I do the cleaning and grocery shops.

You agreed that he would do bins and dishwasher, while you would do laundry, cleaning and shopping? That's nowhere near fair!

What's the plan after mat leave? If you're going back to work, I would start to instigate those hours now - you're on childcare for that time, and anything outside of that needs to be split.

PS Was parental leave not an option?

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease thanks for your post. I've been busy hence not posting, but things have improved.

The day I posted we had a walk and a chat and I told him exactly how I felt - all the stuff I've said on here. He was receptive and fully on my side. He agreed that we should definitely split the mornings and each have half the time to do our own thing, be that shower, workout or whatever.

He also felt he wanted to do more bedtimes when he can. (To the pp who said we need to be clearer about his hours it's really not possible. He works in a very high pressure job, where some days he might have a lull between projects and be able to look after baby and the next day he might need to be on call all night. Before Covid he would be working really really late, eg 11/12pm about 3/4 of the week and doing some weekends).

Anyway I told him how upset I had been - he obviously knew that bit - and he apologised. That morning he said he had felt stressed about a situation at work and had been anxious to get to his desk. He wasn't making excuses and he should have told me, but it explains why he snapped at me. Anyway he apologised for saying silly things, like he'd make his own dinner.

Since that day we have stuck to the plan and each had time in the mornings. He also did bedtime routine last night because he was able to come away from work did an hour.

I also pointed out that if it weren't for Covid, I'd be having time off at the weekends going shopping or out with friends, rather than simply reading my book in the next room. He agreed and that he needs to find his own way with the baby's nap routine and weaning etc.

It's a bit strange as we have been learning how to parent in a pandemic when in normal times we might have done things very differently. That's not the main issue but just another observation.

Anyway I hope things will be better now. I certainly feel we are on the same page now and I feel back on harmonious grounds with him and hopefully our baby feels contented too.

Thank you for your shoulders and advice x

That sounds really good. And you are right, these are strange times! Most people are just making their way through as best they can and it is hard to get into a good routine when your normal routine isn't happening!

Talking and adapting will see you through. Enjoy your peaceful workouts and showers!