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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't see me due to DD

545 replies

Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 09:12

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

OP posts:
Yewrobin · 26/01/2021 11:45

So sad to see you saying you feel nervous of his reaction .

It’s fine for you both to have different priorities centred around the well-being of your respective children . It’s not OK for him to make you feel like you do , or for him to pressure you like he is .

I hope that you’ve told him and that you are OK and that you have good friends in RL to support you in standing up to him

ScrambledSmegs · 26/01/2021 11:48

If you're scared of his reaction to you doing what is best for your daughter then this is not a mutually supportive relationship, is it?

I hope you can see this as an opportunity to break away, OP, painful as it may be.

unfortunateevents · 26/01/2021 11:50

So it's ok for him to presumably still see his COVID-infected daughter who lives with her mother (who is continuing to see friends and relatives) and also help an older relative - but if you send your daughter to school to support her badly-needed education and in order not to lose your job, he won't see you any more? What a prick.

anditgoeson · 26/01/2021 11:51

Put your daughter first. A good partner would never make you choose imo.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 26/01/2021 11:51

@Fufumuji

Lot of totally unneccassary hate for the DP.

OP should do what is right for her and her child.
He should do what is right for him and his child.

He is fine to make the choice to not see OP if she is sending her child to school. That doesn't make him any of the horrible things he's been called on this thread

Really?!?! I assume you haven’t read all the OP’s updates? He gets angry at her, she is scared to tell him, he is pressuring her and making her feel nervous of putting her child first? And that’s ok?

This man clealry does not care about the best thing for you.

PurpleRainDancer · 26/01/2021 11:52

@JudgeRindersMinder

You really need to ask?
This
Lackadaisically · 26/01/2021 11:52

I think it's good that he's text you, now you can tell him via text without it seeming odd and you can get your points across without being interrupted or shouted at.

You are sending DD in. You have to put her needs first along with the risk to your job being unacceptable. You can't understand why he is reacting so negatively; if it were a case of him being scared that his child would be exposed you'd understand of course, but since they already have it his anger makes no sense. If he decides that that he can no longer see you then that is a shame but obviously your child's needs are paramount here.

Fuckitsstillraining · 26/01/2021 11:52

So you are struggling to work and home school but instead of helping your partner is issuing ultimatums. Tell him to bugger off and not come back. Get your daughter to school, get your work up to scratch and then relax, life will be better without him. How dare he decide what you should do with your child.

inlectorecumbit · 26/01/2021 11:53

Your DD comes first every time.
Bin him he is thinking of only himself and his own situation and not about you or your DD at all.

CopperBeechLeaf · 26/01/2021 11:56

Sounds like a massive double standard from him where he does whatever he likes but also gets to tell you what to do. Send DD in with no guilt.

Scottishskifun · 26/01/2021 11:56

He is being completely unreasonable!
His child has covid currently therefore will have antibodies for circa 5/6 months and his relative has had one jab so will have a better level of immunity than others in a few weeks.
He hasn't even explained his concerns!

It is right that your DD attend her school has said so and your ex has agreed as well its not for him to try and dictate what's best for your child!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 26/01/2021 11:59

No brainer about your daughter going to school. It’s interesting you’re nervous about telling him and worried about his reaction. A theme of him and his friends / family getting what they want but not you or yours is emerging here. It’s good to get a peep into the future about how things would be if you were to live together I.e. his daughter being the precious princess and your daughter being in the back foot. His daughter is either “vulnerable” or not

GreySkyClouds · 26/01/2021 11:59

You’re doing the right thing sending her to school I think.

You should explain it to him like you did here. Sometimes texts are easier than face to face.

If he chooses not to see you, then that’s him being unreasonable.

clpsmum · 26/01/2021 11:59

Your child is more important than your boyfriend x

tootysweety · 26/01/2021 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RowanAlong · 26/01/2021 12:04

Goodness, send her in! Why would you let her get behind - he’s not being fair.

Original poster
Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 12:04

@tootysweety Telling me I should be ashamed of myself is exactly what I need right at this minute, so thank you for that!

OP posts:
HelpIcantfindaname · 26/01/2021 12:05

Send DD to school.
My partner & I do not live together. He has COPD & I'm a teacher. We are a bubble but only meet socially distanced, even though I'm working from home. This is because I have to go to my parents house to care for them & 2x a week my granddaughter goes in to care too, she cleans & cooks for them. She's just 13, has ASD & is still attending her special school. If she didn't go to my parents, or she didn't go to school, I could get closer to my partner but helping her grandparents is really helping her mental health.
You can still have a relationship. I'll be honest, I hate it a lot of the time. But it's what we need to do at the moment.
It sounds like your daughter will benefit from being in school.

ThelmaNotLouise · 26/01/2021 12:05

@tootysweety

What the hell have I just read? This has to be a troll surely? Nobody would seriously post this as being their real life situation?? This cannot be real!! You don’t live with him and he’s trying to dictate how you a parent a child that isn’t his. You’re a keyworker. Get some balls. How the hell do you hold down a keyworker job when you’ve let a man like this into you and your kids life? I hope to god you aren’t social services. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t reply to him. Block him on all forms of media. Jesus wept. If this is true it’s a new low in women disrespecting themselves. How the hell did you get yourself into this state?
Blimey, someone's had too much morning coffee. A little empathy wouldn't go amiss.
Beautiful3 · 26/01/2021 12:06

Put your child's needs first!!! Why would you even second guess the obvious right thing to do?!!! Send her to school, so that you can do your job and dont get fired! If your boyfriend doesnt like it, then sod him. He is putting himself and childs needs before you and your child. Obviously you dont do that. You put you and your childs need first!

HibernatingTill2030 · 26/01/2021 12:07

@tootysweety

What the hell have I just read? This has to be a troll surely? Nobody would seriously post this as being their real life situation?? This cannot be real!! You don’t live with him and he’s trying to dictate how you a parent a child that isn’t his. You’re a keyworker. Get some balls. How the hell do you hold down a keyworker job when you’ve let a man like this into you and your kids life? I hope to god you aren’t social services. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t reply to him. Block him on all forms of media. Jesus wept. If this is true it’s a new low in women disrespecting themselves. How the hell did you get yourself into this state?
This is a vile post. YOU should be ashamed of yourself.
tootysweety · 26/01/2021 12:08

Then read and listen and sort yourself out. You’re scared of a bloke that doesn’t live with you and isn’t your kids parent. Why haven’t you sent her to school before now? You’ve let your kid down badly. The school have had to call you to say she’s falling behind. Come on. You need a kick up the bum. Sorry but it’s true. Your priority is your keyworker job and your kids education but you’re so upset by some blokes telling you not to send YOUR kid to school that you’re posting on here? Who the hell is he? He’s nothing and you’ve let him. I bet you’ve sent him a paragraph long grovelling text message too. Sort yourself out.

Sorehandsandfeet · 26/01/2021 12:09

Just tell him that you've weighed up pros and cons, daughter is going to school, end of discussion. It is your decision to make.

Pinkiii · 26/01/2021 12:09

You’re doing the right thing sending your daughter to school. She should always come first no matter the situation, its your job to make sure she has a good start in life.

You also have to consider yourself, your work is suffering, think of that too. Obviously your oartner couldn’t care leas that you’re both suffering

Your partner doesn’t even come into this as far as I can see, he seems to do what he wants but also wants to dictate wht you should do.

Plenty more supportive fish in the sea!

Honeyroar · 26/01/2021 12:10

I think fair enough if he doesn’t want to come round because he is worried that he’s possibly putting his relatives at risk. However that’s his decision and he’s no right to make you feel guilty for doing the right thing for your daughter.

You see the real side of people in bad times imo.

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