DP won't see me due to DD

[Potplant32]

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

“Yep - she’ll be back from tomorrow!” Don’t justify it, don’t pacify him, don’t get drawn in to a conversation about it.

I thought it you could work from home then you keep your children off school.

I say that from the POV of getting the pandemic under control.

My son is falling behind at school (like tens of thousands of others). I am not a KW so am juggling my full time job and home education as a lone parent.

Does he actively want to see you and DD continue to struggle? I could just about understand him saying he thought it was better for you not to see each other for a while, but getting angry because you are doing what you clearly need to do so your DD can get an education, and you can keep your job is plain nasty.

@Potplant32

I've just had a text from DP asking if I've made a decision about DD going back to school. I actually feel really nervous at having to reply to him as I know the reaction I'm going to get.

You feeling nervous to respond is concerning. You are doing what is best by your child, you are better off without him going by his behaviour to you last night!

A bit of a shitty double standard, isn't it?
He puts his daughters needs first, but is upset that you want to do the same? Wtaf?

OP my DS is in school for exactly the same reason - it’s the right thing to do . Your partner is being selfish .

You needed to get impartial advice about whether your DP was being an asshole for being cross at you for prioritising your daughter’s education?!

And now you are nervous about telling him that you are in fact putting her needs before his?

Every day I get more depressed at just how many women seem to think that putting their children ahead of the men in their lives is something they need to canvas general opinion on in case they are being unfair to the poor men.

Kids come first. It isn’t hard.

Any man worth having in your child’s life would agree with that.

Jesus wept.

Glad you rightly chose the right thing to do for your DD.

His putting his child first which I get however his child is not your concern. Your dd needs school to get her work done and so you can keep your job. If you keep falling behind and lost your job his not living with you to pay your bills you need to be working and your child needs her education. To be blunt if you had to pick one over the other surely you pick your child over a relationship. His clearly putting his child ahead of yours even if the mother doesn't take the virus seriously.

Don't try to justify yourself or get into a argument about it. Wouldn't your life be more peaceful and stress free if you dumped this man?

When it comes down to it, isn't he basically saying you should inconvenience yourself and harm your daughters education so he can continue to get laid?

The fact that you are worried about his reaction speaks volumes. Sending her back is the right thing to do
He has a right to say that it changes if he wants to see you because of that it’s fine but reacting badly because you made the right choice isnt

Not even a choice.

DD comes first.

End of.

Agreeing with the general census of sending DD to school. She obviously needs it. Plus his DD already has covid, if anything your DD is at risk from his DD. Dp sounds a bit of a twat.

Your DD needs to go in your DP is being a twat don't put a man over your DDs needs.

Just wow. Only answer that text needs is.

Yes. She’s going to school

And then block him for the rest of the day and get on.

Is he offering to homeschool DD for you, so that she can catch up with her school work and your job doesn't suffer?

If not, he gets no voice in this decision.

Grow a back bone, love. Your daughter is the priority here why on earth would you be nervous to tell him. I think you need to reflect on your response to this whole situation, why are you even giving his opinion a second thought? Is he dominant? Do you tend to pander to his demands? I find it odd you had to think twice about what to do?

Btw coming from someone who has been in an abusive relationship for some time. Please dump the dp. It seems small at the moment but the fact you're nervous about his reactions are massive. Don't get trapped like I did.

"Obviously, she's going into school as it's essential for her and helpful for me"

Then no further comment. Walk away from your phone if you are anxious about his reaction.

Then take a day or two to think about whether you want this man in your life- he doesn't value your and your DD's well-being. He intimidates you and makes you anxious when he doesn't get his own way.

Lot of totally unneccassary hate for the DP.

OP should do what is right for her and her child.
He should do what is right for him and his child.

He is fine to make the choice to not see OP if she is sending her child to school. That doesn't make him any of the horrible things he's been called on this thread

Well done on making the right decision for your daughter and for you. As others have said, just reply to his text with a simple "Yes, she is going back." and leave it at that. Put your phone on silent and ignore any messages/calls from him until the end of the day.

You say he doesn't live with you but does he have stuff at your place? If so you should psyche yourself up to putting it all in bin bags one place so that he can collect it/you can put it on the doorstep for him.

You sound ground down by him, a simple text message from him should not make you feel nervous - this is not a "partnership".

Just tell him straight.

"My daughter is my priority. She is going to school because that's best for her. I understand your stance on this, so we shall part ways. Hope your dd feels better soon"

Then turn off your phone/block him for 24 hours.

Always pick your child over a man.
Tell him you will see him when everyone has been vaccinated. And not before.

But he's not said it with love and regret and supportive noises, he's stropped and huffed. I'm not seeing my dp because I'm sending my kids in and he needs to see his parents. It utterly sucks but it's the best thing. If he'd said to me I should keep ten home so that we can 'Netflix and chill' as usual he'd be gone.