DP won't see me due to DD

[Potplant32]

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

The fact that your DP is bullying you about this actually raises all kinds of red flags for me. I can sort of understand if he felt it was really risky and said something like, "I'm really sorry Potplant but I can't take the risk as a result of your DD being at school when my DC are vulnerable [let's put aside that they don't sound vulnerable and currently have it] so I won't be able to continue to bubble with you if your DD goes to school. I will miss you loads but I totally understand why your DD needs this so we'll just have to stay in touch by phone for a while until things settle down."

But he's not. He's trying to force you to choose between him and your DD. And the fact that you're considering it shows that he's probably been working for a long time on ensuring that your views are skewed in his favour even when he is being U.

Send her to school and if he kicks off, take it as the very clear sign it is that he is a complete dickhead.

@tootysweety I haven't let things get this bad - it was actually me who called the school to discuss what I could do to support my DD more and it was them that suggested she came in. I also haven't sent my DP a grovelling text - I have replied and said that DD will be going back to school from tomorrow. If you have zero empathy then please could I ask you not to post?

@tootysweety

Then read and listen and sort yourself out. You’re scared of a bloke that doesn’t live with you and isn’t your kids parent. Why haven’t you sent her to school before now? You’ve let your kid down badly. The school have had to call you to say she’s falling behind. Come on. You need a kick up the bum. Sorry but it’s true. Your priority is your keyworker job and your kids education but you’re so upset by some blokes telling you not to send YOUR kid to school that you’re posting on here? Who the hell is he? He’s nothing and you’ve let him. I bet you’ve sent him a paragraph long grovelling text message too. Sort yourself out.

Wow, you really are a nasty person – and spectacularly misnamed, tootysweety. Presumably you're Mum of the Year 2021? I can only think that's why you're being so hateful to OP.

Send your DD to school. He's already bending the rules to suit himself. His child has Covid and is still seeing friends. That's really bad.

@Potplant32

Well done for doing the right thing by your dd. Hope that it helps her to get caught up.

[quote Potplant32]@XiCi I think his concern is that he could pass it on to his DD (who currently has Covid so isn't seeing her at the mo), or his 70 year old relative (who has only had their first jab). [/quote]
OP already stated he isn't seeing his own child

I think fair enough if he doesn’t want to come round because he is worried that he’s possibly putting his relatives at risk

Presumably op has to go shopping. He's clearly quite happy to put himself and his child at risk if he can get what he wants. If he was worried he'd not he visiting at all I mean he's quite happy to ditch his kid...

op you have done the right thing well done. I'm sure your dd will enjoy being back and you can work stress free

[quote Potplant32]@tootysweety I haven't let things get this bad - it was actually me who called the school to discuss what I could do to support my DD more and it was them that suggested she came in. I also haven't sent my DP a grovelling text - I have replied and said that DD will be going back to school from tomorrow. If you have zero empathy then please could I ask you not to post? [/quote]
He may reply that you are being selfish. (Read - not doing what he wants you to do.)

Your response is:-

“I am not being selfish. I am doing what is best for Lizzie education wise. It would be selfish of me to put seeing you ahead of what is best for Lizzie.”

Well done on sending her back tomorrow.

Neither of you unreasonable.

Although he was wrong to get angry

Send your DD in (obviously)

And then accept his position that he can’t see you any more because of his family commitments

Yup wouldn't even occur to me to think about it. Obviously your DDs needs come first. I would be concerned about that level of selfishness coming from a grown man - well I would if I didn't already think most grown men are selfish that is!

Send DD in to school.

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

I actually kind of agree with @tootysweety (though I would have worded it differently 😉).

This should have been picked up and sorted before now.

Your boyfriend should have absolutely zero say or influence on the decision. This really is nothing to do with him; your daughter's education and your ability to do your job should come before everything else.

His daughters health shouldn't come at yours daughters expense.

And, for what it's worth, I think your boyfriend is using it as an excuse to not see you. Whether that's because he's not that fussed or it's a form of control, I don't know. But it's something you should think about.

And well done for sending her back tomorrow!

(Meant to add).

I'm glad you're sending her back, that's an absolute no-brainer. Your dp isn't necessarily unreasonable for deciding not to see you for a while due to the risk, but his attitude about it absolutely stinks! If this reaction is out of character, it would definitely be on alert for worrying behaviour going forwards, if he is often like this, I would be having a serious look at the relationship and deciding if I wanted to continue with it

This is your perfect opportunity to say - "Fair enough, thinking on lets make this permanent"

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

if i were you i'd reply "Tell you what, lets make that permanent. You're dumped"

I think I'd reply and say I'd like that to be the permanent arrangement

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

I wouldn’t even respond to that - he sounds like a total arsehole.

Based on his treatment of you I would pluck up the courage to respond with "You can make not seeing me a permanent arrangement as my dd and I deserve better"

There's no other option about this. If your dp has no care for your dd's wellbeing and education, then he doesn't worth it, imo.

Put your kid first, send her to school!

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

A breezy ‘Ok no problem. DD is very excited’

Would be an appropriate response to this selfish little manchild.

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

I wouldn't even bother to reply, TBH, or would just reply "No problem. I'm going to use this time to catch up on work". He's going to try to guilt trip you. Don't let him.